((Daisy)) I know this feels really alone. I used to have 2Ts (they specialize in different things) and losing the one of them suddenly was even too much to take.

I have friends who KNOW what's going on but I don't necessarily involve them in the day-to-day struggles I have but when things are getting really hard.. I can talk to them. I'd say I have... 5 really good friends who understand different and sometimes the 'fully monty' of my issues that I can be really open with when I'm suffering greatly (they can be open with me, too). If I'm going through xyz memories/issues or transference stuff I don't talk to many about that but if I'm feeling really depressed, or suicidal, or need help to calm down.. they can be there without questions. I often do not want to make my friendships places where I work THROUGH what I'm upset about, but sometimes we do, otherwise those friends can understand where I'm at and carry on like normal with me regardless...that's really what I need. I've had friendships before centralized solely on talking about someone's intense issues, or mine and those have exhausted one or both of us out and well, I wouldn't want a friendship based on my or someone's constant unending trauma issues (I know mine are constant and unending and I could probably fill a lifetime talking about all my thoughts/feelings/etc... I'm going to send my Ts grandchildren through college at this rate).


I'm so sorry it sounds like you're feeling super isolated and I've been there, too. It's a scary, lonely place that can make things so much worse sometimes. One of the things, unfortunately, about human nature is we really CAN'T know how someone is feeling (or what they are thinking) without asking. With many of my friends I am very intune and intuitive about their feelings... not always right though, so I have to ask. I might say 'Oh you sound like you're doing so well, how are you really doing though? You okay?" (especially if I have an open past of honesty with them). So part of it may be that you haven't shared? Sometimes people don't think to ASK things and assume things - like your friend saying you "seem so much better" I'm wondering why you didn't correct her? Or say... yea right now I'm okay but it's been a struggle recently, etc? It can be hard if you may tend to be more open/honest than your friend may find comfortable.

So it's hard to figure out... how that friend can fit in our healing circle. One of my friends is just as crazy as I am, we have a similar history but don't talk about it much (though because we both have a sick sense of humor it comes up at the most socially awkward times) and I know that I can sort of air my feelings, she genuinely listens and gives me some feedback on working with my thoughts (or agreeing with me I like that too) and then.... we go get coffee, or walk, or watch something, or drive somewhere and goof around. It's so validating for someone to know how you feel AND... still do normal stuff. Sometimes if we're really in our stuff it can turn in to... we do nothing but have another listen to our stuff... it's hard to find then a way for them to help us.

Anyway, I'm not sure what you ultimately want or would wish for, or how you communicate... but my unsolicited advice.. is to try to practice communicating how difficult it is, and going from there. No one can guess and no one "should" know (they can't). Sometimes dropping hints, or hoping someone will ask something, etc can't and won't work we just have to come right out and say I feel this do you have time to listen? Etc. There are also... different friends for different things. There are different people I would go to first if having a self-harm crisis, over an eating crisis, or just a crappy day, over a day where I'm curled on the floor in my house sobbing. I unfortunately also have friends who ask how I am and mean it... I think you can develop those friendships by being honest. So someone knows if they ask "how are you" that "I'm good" might not be the answer... the answer might be "I've been in my pajamas at the 24hr Wal-Mart for the entire night, I'm crying, my cart is full of cookies and children's toys, I haven't showered in 3 days" shortly followed by "Want to go to Denny's?" haha I have a friend like that... any time I'm sad I can call him and we'll go to Denny's he gets me out of my head (definitely someone I'd never talk about most/all my struggles with, but I'm honest about my mood). Anyway... once you get that path in place you'll find out who cares/who doesn't... etc. You can also try to forge those by asking your friends how they actually are.

I think maybe once a week "great!" or "doin' good" thoughtlessly and accurately describe my mood.

((Daisy)) it gets better, I promise And... being with a T is a stepping stone to getting these types of relationships (I did not have this before T) and you'll learn from them how to surround yourself with others who are supportive, and who you can have the energy to support, too.

quote:

Originally posted by catalyst:

One of the things, unfortunately, about human nature is we really CAN'T know how someone is feeling (or what they are thinking) without asking. With many of my friends I am very intune and intuitive about their feelings... not always right though, so I have to ask. I might say 'Oh you sound like you're doing so well, how are you really doing though? You okay?" (especially if I have an open past of honesty with them). So part of it may be that you haven't shared? Sometimes people don't think to ASK things and assume things - like your friend saying you "seem so much better" I'm wondering why you didn't correct her? Or say... yea right now I'm okay but it's been a struggle recently, etc? It can be hard if you may tend to be more open/honest than your friend may find comfortable.

So it's hard to figure out... how that friend can fit in our healing circle.

Catalyst - have you been talking to my T? You sound just like him - he tells me all the time people aren't mindreaders

I find it really hard to know how much to share with friends and I tend to share very little, which means when I do I can share too much and that can be uncomfortable for the other person.

This friend, I knew for 8 years before she had any idea of anything, then when I did open up I told her too much and I relied on her too much as she was the only one that knew, so she told me I was too much and I've gone back to the other extreme. I just can't find the right middle ground, or how to make my support network wider so that I don't overload just one person.

Daisy

I have a few friends and they "know" what is going on but I feel that if I wanted to "cut" or "drink" or say I "don't feel like eating today" I would not be able to call them because I don't think they would know how to deal with it.

My counsellor is the only one I could call if I wanted to talk to someone I know, but he does not like contact between sessions.

It is a lonely life sometimes.

Daisy,
I'm sorry it's hard for you...friends assuming you seem so much better. I can relate. A friend I have expects only positive things to come out of my mouth and when it's not that way I get treated like a child basically. Apparently my words are going to have to be better when speaking with this friend. It seems only T's "in general" are the only ones who can take it. I can't find the balance without covering up my "real" feelings when with friends. My T said we have different friends for different things...I am different with different friends and maybe that is about the aura they give off also and I adjust to their expectations or how I feel about them. I have realized each T affects me differently according to their beliefs or what beliefs I hold or held about them even...I don't think that is a very good thing at all though. Anyways, just letting you know that I get what you're saying.

's
Hopeful

Just my T. Not even my husband. T keeps trying to get me to open up more but I'm not ready.

Lots of people know about my mom's illness. I have found it really intrusive when they very nicely ask how she is doing. My T and I have come up with a very pat answer for that question because I just don't want to talk about it with anyone but T.

I just don't feel lie any of my friends could handle the depth of my pain/feelings. It is lonely but for me much safer.

Daisy,
For me, really no one else, but I do have 2 T's so that helps a little. But I was in a hospital for two months (a really cool one) and there were only around 20 people in the program at a time (though people would leave and new ones would arrive) - anyway, I think all of us were very relieved to have people who truly understood other than our T, and you didn't have to feel awkward talking about it.
Because of this experience, I've been thinking about finding a support group or group therapy where I can again spend time with others who get it. That's the best thing I've been able to come up with.

You have us here Sea of Tears.

Nobody....and I try not to tell my T if I can help it

T is the only one who truly knows me. My dietitian knows me almost as well as T, since we've worked extremely closely over the past few years with my ED.

Basically, my treatment team (T, GP, Dietitian) know me the best. I have two close friends who know me well, but not the deep dark stuff. Only T knows that.

No One right now...if ever. Never completely let my guard down w/anyone. Don't know my new T's @ home yet. I'm sure that'll take awhile