Oh Pippi I can feel your anxiety! But you are so brave and so strong! You don't have to cut or drink or take pills! I sometimes think i need to cut, but I don't have to. Sitting with the awful feelings, like you're doing right now, is how we get out of those old coping ways. It's slow and painful but so very necessary.

I'm glad you've worked out the box idea for tomorrow. I think it's great if that's what works for you. But two main things struck me as I read your post- 1) You have nothing to be embarrassed of. You've been abused. That isn't your fault. You didn't ask for it and you certainly didn't make it happen. It isn't your shame to feel (not that you aren't ALLOWED to feel shame mind you, I'm just saying that it wasn't a mistake YOU made or anything). 2) Sometimes, before a session when i'm really anxious and I don't want to go through with being upfront and honest, I remind myself over and over and over "I've been keeping this inside me and that hasn't worked. Being honest is my other option. It just may be what gets me a different result". When you're freking and wanting to run from your P in fear, remember that you've done that already and it didn't work. Scary as it is, it's time for something different, something new. You can do it.

Imagine how proud your P is going to be? That you've finally trusted him enough to be honest! That's so huge! And remember, he doesn't have to read all the cards all at once. Maybe he can just keep the box for you, without reading through all of it right away. Maybe you can just give him the box and only talk about the rape tomorrow. That way you'll have time to process and feel and yes, even cry if you need to. Just because you haven't cried in front of him doesn't mean you can't. I'm learning to do it with my t. It's hard to let go of the tears, but it does help relieve the tension (you know, that same tension and anxiety that drives you to want to cut).

You can do this tomorrow Pippi. You really can. Just remember, you've tried fleeing and running and not talking and all that- it hasn't worked. This is finally an option that might really work. You deserve an honest, open relationship, and he is there waiting for you. let us know how it goes and keep writing here if you need to.

-CT

Hi Pippi,

I had my appointment today, and I know the feeling of freaking out cause that is what I usually do, having this sick feeling in my stomach and feeling so anxious. I saw it coming yesterday so I tried to block it out. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I tried to pretend that it is not this week, it is next week that I am going to see him. So I kind of managed to block out the feeling of fear and anxiety before the session. I still chickened out when I was there and didn't fulfill my plan... but maybe I did get closer to something since I tried not to let the fear build up as much as usual. I really don't know if this is a good thing that I tried to "cheat" on myself that way, so I don't know if this is something you could perhaps "employ"? There is a possiblity that this could be completely stupid advise and rather not to follow.

You have a good plan for your session. He does know already a lot about you doesn't he? Good luck! Hopefully you will be braver then I was today. Take care and give some us update how it went.

Pippi,

I love the response you got from CT and I second everything. Your box idea is such a great approach, I love your plan for that and for everything else. You are working hard and it is going to pay off for you. Just think about it: once you've faced this, what else is there to fear? And from what you've told us about your P, he is committed to your healing and won't let you down. Please let us know how it goes tomorrow!
Hugs,
SG

Thank you for the responses. I have been trying what you said CT. I actually planned on when I give him the stuff telling him that I have a problem and I have been trying to deal with my way for this long and its not working. And tell him that I am ready to do it his way. Im going to tell him that I dont expect him to believe me because I have said that before and backed out, but I am offering the box as proof of my willingness to do it his way. That way there are no more secrets and no way for me to back out. Its letting him know Im completely committed to it. I keep telling myself what you said "I have been running away from him for 10 years and it hasnt worked." And I think he is getting tired of chasing me.

Amazon- I actually used that technique when I wrote all this stuff. I even bought a box with a lock on it and told myself Im just writing it to get it out of me and then I would lock it up and no one would ever read. It made it easier to write more from my heart not worrying about anyone reading it so it didnt matter how I worded it or how detailed I got. I am now trying to do that and convince myself that the appointment is next week.

SG-that is so true. If I can stay honest from now on after this there isnt much to fear cause he will no everything. It will still be hard to deal with the stuff each session but its harder to be afraid if you really dont know what he is going to pull out of the box.

I am going to let him keep the box at his office which is another reason I got the box with a lock on it. It came with two keys, Ill give one to him and keep the other. I will tell him he can read all whenever he wants and put them in order of what he thinks is most important to deal with or just do it randomly. We will deal with abusing pain killers and the rape tomorrow which is why I have it separate because its important for me to get that out now.

I do hope that someday (maybe even tomorrow) I wont be scared to cry in front of him. Its going to happen where I just can hold it in and of course he will respond good and I will be safe doing it after that, but I know I will be fighting it the whole way!

My P really does care about me despite every bad thing I have done even to him. He has been there through everything and I have no reason not to trust him. I did tell him in the written stuff that is harder for me right now because I am thinking of him so much like a father and that is the most scary thing because fathers are abusive and neglectful and just you. Thats all I know about them so its a new thing to long for someone in that way when I am so scared of fathers.

Please don't be afraid to cry in front of your P - there is nothing more liberating than the tears. It's more painful for me to hold them back -- it literally hurts, holding all that in - I get a headache. I worry more about the sniffling, but he has tons of tissues.... It is the ultimate trust to be able to cry with someone. Very intimate. Very releasing. Very bonding. Your P won't mind and it might just feel really good!

Pippi I think you are very brave and honest. I also think the box idea is a great one. It may be better not to deal with everything at once because it may be too overwhelming. I think your plan of picking one or two serious issues at a time is a good one and by giving the box to your T you are showing your trust in him and that you feel safe entrusting your deepest secrets to him.

I know how scary it can be when you finally decide to confide in your T about something huge and traumatic. But it sounds like your P is quite capable of guiding you through this with care. Remember.. the journey of a thousands miles begins with one step...

I'll be thinking of you and I hope all goes well for you.

TN

I really do want to be able to cry in front of him, Im just not sure if I can. I have held it all in for so many years and would only cry if I was in the house alone. So now Im so used to not crying in front of people that its just how things naturally go. I think about it all the time how it would feel so good to trust some one so much that I could actually cry in front of him. I just recently even told him in something I wrote that I felt like crying was bad and I was scared to do it in front of anyone. Its not bad for other people because I completely understand why other people cry and am very compassionate to them and want to help. But its just bad for me, Im not even sure why I feel this way. I dont know where it came from or what taught me to be this way but it is a hard thing to change. I know my P would probably love it if I cried in front of him. When he read what I wrote about crying he tried to tell me that crying was not bad and that it was okay. Lately when talking about hard stuff I keep my head turned completely away from him which he gets frustrated with because he says it feels like to him I am not listening and basically saying "fuck you" to him. I have worked hard on not doing that to him because that is not how I mean it at all. I have a very hard time looking people in the eyes when talking, I am embarrassed and dont ever want to see their response. I am great at texting or sending emails about things I dont want to talk about to him but when it comes to phone calls or in person I basically just shut down and turn away. I did start the letter about the rape out by telling him that if I am not looking at him after he gets done reading it that it does not mean that I am not listening, it means that it is really hard for me to talk about or even look at him and that I am probably doing everything I can to keep from crying. I also told him that if I wasnt so in love with him then I would never come back and see him after letting him read the letter. I guess me being so in love with him does have some good purpose in it because even though I dont want to face him in person or even be honest over the phone I cant stand to go with out hearing his voice or seeing him, so it pushes me to deal with that fear just to see him. There have been times that I wanted to see him so bad but didnt want to talk to him so I would go to the session and just stare at him the whole time and never say anything important. If he would ask what I was thinking I would just say "nothing at all Im just looking at you and thats all I want to do today." He gets very frustrated when I do that but I dont really care cause I want things my way whether he likes it or not!

I went to my appointment and I am actually still alive I really thought it was going to kill me! The first thing I did was walk in and give my P my pain killers and anxiety meds. I told him the truth about abusing them and handed him six bottles full of pills and a prescription that he wrote me last month that I was saving for when I ran out. He was very impressed and was proud of me but couldnt believe that the pharmacy would let me turn in a prescription one day and get a refill every day after that until the refills were gone. I did it three days in a row and the dates were on the pills to prove it. He was mad about that but not at me.

Then I sat there pretty much shaking and freaking out and staring at the floor. He knew something was up and kept asking me what was wrong. I was so close to backing out but then I pulled two letters out of my pocket. One about the transference and one about the rape. I told him that he had to read the typed letter first(the one about transference) and then the other one and that he had to read them to himself and that we could talk until he read all of it. And of course he did not listen very well. He started reading it to himself and then on points he thought were important he would say it out loud and that just made me more nervous. After reading the first one he said that he was proud of me and that is exactly what I needed to be talking about. He was glad that I was putting together the whole father transference together along with the erotic transference. I told him in the letter I wanted a hug. I talked about it quite a bit and how it was harder for me to ask for that than it was for me to ask for sex. And then I told him if he wanted me to do good than he should reward me with hugs cause then I would be for sure to do what I needed to do. And at the end I wrote "I love you and I really want a hug!"
He told me that he would not have sex with me that there was nothing I could ever do to make him do that and that it had nothing to do with me personally. He said that I am his patient, he cares about me and wants me to get better and that wont happen if he had sex with me. He also apologized for saying the whole "you are too young for me to have sex with you last time." He said he did not know that the very first guy I was in love with said that to me and the whole thing behind it or the stuff about other guys saying it to me and then me being able to convince them to do it anyways. Thats not at all how he meant it and would have never said it if he had known cause he doesnt want me to ever take him saying no personally.
When it came to the rape letter I started off with telling him that if I wasnt looking at him it did not mean I wasnt listening (which was funny cause he had just told me that during the first letter when I looked away) but that it meant it was hard to look at him and that I was probably doing everything I could to keep from crying. I told him stuff in there that I swore to myself I would never tell anyone. It is the most embarrassing things. I know it wasnt my fault but the things done to me were more than just normal rape stuff. He got done reading it and luckily didnt read it out loud. He right away said "man, I am so sorry this happened to you." I still wasnt looking at him and he kept trying to get me to do it. He said it was very important for me to look at him and that it wasnt for him but for me. That right then I needed to look him in the eyes and see his response not just hear it. I looked up a little and he said "what happened is not your fault. Its a horrible thing but it doesnt change the way I feel about you or think about you. I still care and will always care." I told him during that rape was also the first time I started thinking about having sex with him and then started using it as a way to not have to deal with bad stuff until it finally just became an every day thing. Which again he kept telling me that the sex will never ever happen.

I felt somewhat good about the session and know my deepest secrets are out there and there is no turning back now. I told him the most scary stuff so it shouldnt be a big deal. But the one thing I keep thinking of is the hug. He never gave me one and never said yes or no to it. When I told him I wanted to have sex with him so that afterwards I could just lay in his arms where it was safe and that was my only chance of ever getting him to put his arms around me or hug me he said "there is no way you will ever convince me to have sex with you." But he didnt comment on the hug. So now I want it even more and I want to know so badly if I ever have a chance to get a hug from him or if he just doesnt want to tell me right now that it wont ever happen cause he wants to leave me some hope while dealing with this. I wish he would have sat by me and put his arm around me and hugged me when he got done reading the rape stuff. I wanted it so badly.

He did pick up on the fact that I was dissociating some while he was trying to talk about the rape and tried to calm me down enough to keep from dissociating. I am very nervous about the next appointment because now that its all been written down next time we will actually have to talk about the stuff.

But he did tell me I did a great job today and that I might actually be getting better. The way he put it was "damn you might actually have a chance at getting better some day,and to think I was going to quit seeing you right before you really started working. So glad I hung on."

Now I am going to try to go to sleep and at least maybe Ill get my hug from him in my deams or maybe some thing better from him

YYAAAYYYY Pippi!!!! I don't have time to write much because I'm exhausted, but I am so happy for you and proud of you! I hope you are proud of you too! You were so brave and strong and made a huge step! i will write more tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know that I am so excited for you!!!! And now, the beautiful thing is you have plenty of time to bring up the hug issue because you aren't having to worry about leaving therapy anytime soon!!!!

Btw, how'd it go with the new t???

-CT

CT-thanks for the response. After yesterdays appointment I was still having problems dissociating all evening and still didnt get any sleep last night. Probably due to not having my anxiety medication and it usually helps me fall asleep but that is two nights with no sleep. Today I am depressed and some what suicidal. I wont actually go through with it because I talked to my old highschool psychologist through email. He made me feel a little better.

With my new T my things went pretty good. We basically figured out some goals to work on in therapy. We are going to start with the turning the anger inwards and hurting myself. And then also with the transference. She is very understanding and after only hearing a small part of my story she said it was very understandable that this was going on. She is going to work with me on being able to say what I am thinking or feeling to him while making eye contact and learning to feel the anxiety but not give into it. I think its going to be scary but I willing to try.

I am pretty nervous about the next appointment and I am really glad it is in 3 weeks instead of a month or more because I couldnt go that long feeling this way. Right now I am excited about what I did but everything from my past is telling me to run away from him because this is where I am going to get hurt. I am trying to remind myself that he is not going to try to hurt me but thats what I am used to. I feel like I exposed way too much of myself. But I am hoping I can go in there and talk to him this next time about everything I wrote last session and get past this. I almost decided that I wasnt going back to see him anymore cause I am so scared of him being this close but my high school psychologist is going to come see me. Its time for our 6 month visit and I wouldnt pass that up for nothing because I get a hug from him. He is actually giving me a choice this time as to whether he comes before my appointment or afterwards which he never has given me a choice before. Last time he came my P was early so we met after the session and got to talk longer so I think I am going to tell him to come at that time.

I really cant wait to see my high school psychologist but scared to see my P right now. But I guess my love for him is just too strong and it will over come the fear just cause I need to see him. He is just so perfect and caring and handsome, and I know this is probably the wrong thinking but I keep telling myself I might get lucky again and he will wear the same pants he did the last two times because those pants make me think about having sex with him even more and gives me something to distract myself with. They are just perfect for not really being able to see anything when you look in "that area" that I shouldnt be looking in but gives a perfect outline of whats there ....and I would go through any type of fear to go see him in those pants again, plus he was wearing the black shirt that he looks so good in. I probably should tell him some day but I dont know how that would go over. I could probably tell him about the shirt but not so sure about the pants...but I should do it. I keep expecting him to catch me staring at him there but so far he hasnt or at least hasnt said anything. Man, I am way to in love with this man! Today I feel like I have to be with him and there has to be someway to make it happen cause I cant live without him. I think next time I am going to be honest and soon as I walk in tell him I am thinking about having sex with him. He wants me to be honest about it but I havent actually come out and said it when I am thinking it but next time I will and since I start thinking about it as soon as he walks in the waiting room thats how I will start our conversation "I want you to come sit by me on this couch right here and let me have sex with you cause the pictures going through my head just arent as good as the real thing?" We will see how that goes over because I would only be telling the truth and thats what he wants.