Hi LK,

I think it's VERY brave you are going to see these two other Ts. I really hope you can go to your appointments but I know it's super scary - especially when you've experienced a termination in the past. I know when I get to get a new P after an abrupt termination by my first T it was really scary and I felt very bad about myself. It is possible one of these Ts can help you through your termination experience and then maybe if you want to work on other stuff (like trust) eventually you can. I think it makes perfect sense you'd be feeling vulnerable Keep us updated.

Very brave!! Hang in there Loving! Tell us how it goes!

LK... I don't understand how her having counter-transference towards you maternally needed to be a deal-breaker in therapy. But alas, that is all water under the bridge now.

Have you read the sticky topic at the top of this forum? Questions for a new T. I think it's important that you read it through before interviewing new Ts.

Believe me I know how hard it is to go see a new T when you are still in horrible pain from an abrupt termination. My reaction after meeting with the first new T was to cry through the entire session while also grilling him on his termination policies and then when I got back to my car and sat and sobbed for over an hour while pounding the steering wheel and asking WHY did this happen to me? It was just awful. I may have pushed myself too soon to see a new T... it was only 3 days after being abandoned and I was in deep trauma. The same thing happened with the second T I saw too. The fifth T I saw was the one I am with now. It took a lot of searching to find someone I could work with and even consider trusting again. It had to be someone who was experienced in trauma, attachment and who had some experience with failed therapies.

I saw T1 for one session, T2 for one session, T3 for 10 sessions, T4 for 3 sessions and T5 is my current T. It took me six weeks.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.
TN

I think you are really brave.

I could have written TN's 3rd paragraph word for word. I found my T after days of limbo/trauma/numb/fog.

I was lucky as i went back to someone I knew previously - what i didn't know was that she would end up being perfect for me (writing that a year later with my gritted teeth as we are in the middle of a huge rupture.....).

Regardless of how things end up tomorrow - you will have support here from people who have done what you are doing and can give you some great advice and support. You won't feel alone in this.
Somedays.

Hi LK,

Maybe it would help to just focus on your needs right now and not worry too much about long-term. You need someone, within the profession, to allow you to express all the pain and sadness that you are feeling and help you get through this grief.

At least that was my approach after my abrupt termination. I felt as if I couldn't cope with the feelings and had to talk to somebody who had some understanding of how devastating it can be. I wasn't really thinking about finding a possible replacement for my P, because I didn't think it was possible and also, I didn't want to set myself up again for another painful experience.

With the 1st T, I burst into tears as soon she closed her door and it took her about 90 min. to get me contained enough to leave, and I'm not one to cry at therapy!

She just kept assuring me over and over that I didn't do anything wrong and I needed to hear this for a long, long time.

It's a very hard thing to do, but it is worth it. I'm finally able to trust again.

Summer

Hi LK... I would love to hear an update regarding your appointments. Did you find someone you could work with?

Please let us know.

Thanks
TN

Hey all....
Thanks for checking in TN. I'm really struggling tonight. I did see 2 different T's this week, and I'm just not sure what to do. I'm still so hurt and feel so broken..what is wrong with me?? I have been replaying this over and over in my mind, and it's just not making any reasonable sense. The first T I saw was a male...this is tough for me due to my history of CSA. I'm not sure I could ever trust him...actually, I'm pretty sure at this point gender doesn't really matter...I'm not sure I will ever trust again. The second T was a female, and I think I was a bit more comfortable with her. It's tough to make any decision based on a first session as its basically information gathering, you know. I just wish I had some closure. She did send some of my books back to me with a pretty generic letter wishing me the best. That hurt. I would just like to know why? Anyway...I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I do know that I can't afford to trust or be hurt like this again....I will keep you all updated as able. I'm just in a bad place right now....thanks again for being supportive...I really do appreciate it.....
LK

LK... there is nothing wrong with you. You are feeling the way you are supposed to feel. You just lost a very important relationship and it hurts. You need to grieve that loss. The only thing that really helped me to was to talk about what happened. A lot. Mostly to my T's (each one that I interviewed) and to a few close friends and to post here often about what I was feeling. There were days I didn't think I could survive or go on. Everything hurt me. I cried all the time. But you need to talk about it and that is why I recommend you either go back to one of these Ts or keep looking for one.

I know right now it seems impossible that you will ever trust again or ever attach again but I speak from experience that it is possible. Not only was I abandoned harshly but I was emotionally abused and traumatized. It has been a VERY long road back to trusting a T. I'm still walking that road and it's been 2 years this week.

Did you ask the questions that Forlorn posted on the sticky thread?

I will tell you what made me choose my T. I wanted a male, 50ish, with an office close to my house and who took my insurance. This T met those qualifications so then I looked deeper. I wanted somone who would allow outside contact via email and phone, who could offer me more than once a week appointments if I needed them, who understood trauma and attachment and would not be scared of my attachment feelings should they develop. I also wanted someone who had very clear termination policies.

My T met and exceeded all of the above. He has remained consistent and solid in the face of all my kicking and screaming. He said I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing after being traumatized by a T. he really gets it.

So I hope this will help you when deciding on chosing a new T. You have to really look into yourself and decide what is important to you.

Good luck in your search
TN

((((LK)))) I wish I had the answers for you but I don't. If I did I would have the answers for me too.

I understand that absolutely broken feeling and how hard it is to even think about going to another T. As for trust - I'm not there yet. I just want you to know that I am really sorry for what happened to you and for what you are going through. It is a brave and necessary thing you are doing by going to another T so soon after being abandoned. I just really hope that you are able to find a T that you can trust and relate to.

All the best LK and yes, TN is right, you do need to express your pain because it is real. VERY REAL, and it is hard to explain that level of pain to people who have not been through it. Unfortunately,(but fortunately in terms of support) there are a number of people on this forum who can identify with you, and we are there for you LK, so you just need to remember that and reach out to us because I for one wouldn't want it any other way. If I am to have experienced this level of hurt at the very least I would want to put it to better use and help someone else, even if it is just to listen.



B2W

WOW! LK I know how you feel, exactly. I could have written you post myself. I have been told by my T that I should switch to a DBT shrink and she doesn't feel I need to be working with her, that I am not making progress with her. She also mentioned my transference toward her, I am now wondering if this makes her uncomfortable. This situation had me in such emotional turmoil that last week I felt like drinking and smoking again, and I haven't done this in years. That was all I needed, my T dumping me and my relapsing in the same week. The rational part of me believes she is making an honest recommendation and I should try the DBT, but the other side of me wants to back away and forget the whole thing. I do not want to be hurt again.