Wasn’t going to post anything, not for a while, because of how utterly black despairing and hopeless I feel, but the more I’ve sat with those feelings the more I’m needing to be heard. So here goes.
Following on from my T-less Once Again thread, I had an appointment today with the T my exT referred me to.
So yeah, appointment with potential new T what a crock of garbage that turned out to be. Firstly I’m going to describe rationally what it was like, then I’m going to say how I really feel about it and what my emotional perceptions of it were like – because right now I’m fed up to the eye teeth with having to be reasonable and understanding about not getting what I need and want!!!!!!!!!
So this woman actually understood what I was talking about, that’s a first, ever, as far as therapists go. She listened, or at least gave me that impression, she asked some of the right questions, she gave me some of the right responses and best of all she understood perfectly what I meant when I said I needed to be able to get angry at T herself, unreasonably and irrationally but that I needed to be the ‘bad’ me (ie angry, full of lifelong negative feelings) and have that bad me accepted. She got it. She phrased it back to me in such a way that I knew she knew exactly what I meant. And then she said that once a week would never be enough for me, that I’d need three sessions (at this point I’m thinking, wow, yes finally someone is actually telling me what I know I need without my having to bend over backwards justifying my requests...)
Great fine fantastic and then she says, “but I only work part time”. And that was that. So she understood exactly what I needed, sounded like she was offering me what I needed, and then pulled the plug. No apologies, not even a moment’s hesitation to wonder whether she could still help me in some way. Not even an open statement that she couldn’t offer me that time just this throw away comment about only working part time (so why does she have all these ads peppered all over the internet eh eh eh?)
Ok staying rational, we then spent the rest of the session vaguely talking about who I might be able to see who could give me what I need, no referrals, just general comments about the type of T I might think about seeing (despite that I told her I’d already seen every available T in the area) so I ended up forking out 45 quid for an hour appointment which was supposed to be a half hour free consultation – and I came away with less than nothing. Still reasonably rational I know she couldn’t give me the sessions she knew I needed, and that I’d agreed to go a full hour and pay, and that she tried her best to give me suggestions as to who I should look for (it’s not her problem that I’ve seen all the Ts already) and it wasn’t her problem that I was desperate to see a T again... Oh but she did say something really weird as the very last thing in session, which I’ve never heard of and kept thinking of people on here who’d had terminations with their Ts – that therapists won’t accept a client straight away who has just come out of a therapy – she wittered on about comparing it to a divorce or a partner dying and you wouldn’t rush out and strike up a new relationship straight away – I could see what she meant by that but it just seemed a totally off the wall comment...isn’t that what therapists are there for? Or have I really completely and utterly got this therapy lark wrong? Is this something strange about British therapists or have I just encountered yet another weirdo?
Well that was me being rational lol. Now for the truth.
I am SO FUCKING FURIOUS. How dare she, how dare she offer me what I’ve been looking for for so long, understanding, a recognition of where I’m at and what I need and THEN KNOWING IN ADVANCE DELIBERATELY TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!! (remember I’m not being rational here I’m venting the way it all made me feel).
How dare she suddenly turn from being a good understanding there for me ideal therapist and waste my time wittering on about things that were all and only critical of me, it ended up feeling like she had deliberately set me up – that as soon as she understood what I needed she’d already made up her mind oh no I’m not taking this nutcase on, this needy nasty angry demanding piece of subhumanity and went straight into cold detached sorry kid you’re on your own again, as you deserve to be, you can’t possibly expect me to give a toss how you feel or how desperate you are, god what do you expect the needier you are OF COURSE the more I’m going to take away from you, you don’t really expect anyone to GIVE you what you need do you oh dearie me no that’s not what therapy is all about, therapy is all about deliberately denying your needs so you have to learn to live with them unmet, didn’t you know, the goal of life is to get rid of your needs not get them met... (these are obviously my messages, but this is exactly what it felt like she was saying lol I wish now I’d actually had a go at her there and then, got my money’s worth made her actually do some real work for a change... trouble is I didn’t start to feel really angry until I’d gotten out of there…)
The more time went on after the appointment the angrier and angrier and angrier I got (and I’m absolutely raging right now) – who the hell do these therapists think they are playing bloody god with my feelings and my needs, how dare she talk to me like that, how dare she not immediately say oh yes I’d love to have you as a client here let’s arrange all three sessions now and in fact you can start getting angry right now at me I’ll take it all. I am so furious in a really my god I want to totally annihilate this woman way, and it’s so obvious that I’m so full of rage at every single person who has thwarted me in my life, every single therapist who has just wasted 18 months of my life and dumped me rejected me not wanted me not bothered to help me not bothered to even try and understand me – I want to wipe them all out pay them back for all the denials and wimpy wishy washy therapist speak they’ve made me endure instead of talking my language, I am livid with rage because where the bloody parents had some excuse for messing me around THERAPISTS DO NOT! Therapists are supposed to know better. Yeah yeah before anyone jumps in and points out the obvious I know, I just want to get out the way it all makes me feel and in a way, to show that this is 100% ok. IT IS OK TO FEEL IRRATIONALLY AND UNREASONABLY FULL OF HATRED AND RAGE, BECAUSE IT’S REAL AND IT’S GOT GOOD CAUSES. And it needs to be heard.
Lol you can bet I’m going to be seriously wanting to delete this, but for now I’m leaving it up because it’s important to me to have this rage heard and, maybe, understood. And I think it’s important that I take a stand for those of us who’ve had to live with such profound pain of unmet needs that there’s an equal amount of rage to match it, and say, this is ok, this is normal, this is not bad or unacceptable or something bad and wrong with us. I will not squash stifle control get rid of or sell out my anger ever again, and if that means never having a T to help me with it, so be it. I ain’t selling myself out ever again.
Oh brave words. Let’s see how long that will last when I have to face the next days, weeks, months without someone there to help me with all these incredibly destructive feelings…we all know where they end up don’t we, turned back inward…
Enough venting. Sorry if it’s incoherent or offensive or whatever else negative response my ranting might inspire, I just needed to do this.
LL
p.s. I wrote this last night and then went to bed, thought I might regret posting it. (Lol I still fear that.) I’ve since realized that there were so many things this woman actually did say that irritated, annoyed and made me resentful even at the time, I’ve had umpteen subsequent conversations in my head where I really stood up to her – I wish. Like, listen darling your patronizing scoffing tone is not helpful, you want me to describe true paranoia to you well make yourself comfortable and fasten your seat belt because this isn’t pretty and it isn’t anodyne and superficial like you’re making it out to be. If I say I’m paranoid then you bloody well take that seriously even if you think you know better than me what my experience has been. ARRRRGGHHH this is exactly what I hate the most about therapists, this knee jerk impulse to oppose a client’s reality as if somehow, simply by telling clients they are wrong the client is going to go oh yeah duh how stupid of me not to have realized that before thankyou oh wise and mighty one for pointing out that my experience is incorrect… that it isn’t actually how I experience it… I could go on and on. Where do they get off not LISTENING but imposing their reality on mine without even bothering to check what my reality actually is??????????
There’s an object lesson in here, if I ever do manage to unearth a hitherto unseen by me T in this area and have an appointment, to make the effort to stand up for myself instead of just accepting everything they say as pearls before swine…
In spite of how you're feeling, you've made yet another positive, forward move!!!