The trauma discussions bring more flashbacks and SI for me.

Too big a topic really for me too. I am doing EMDR and it brings up body memories and dreams and loads of emotional stuff ...

it is good though

ahh, is that why i feel so out of control and like a madwoman?

It certainly makes me feel out of control and like a madwoman. I have trained my t(s) to both reassure me each appointment that I am not really going insane. We get going and then when I feel too out of control or unbearable, we back off awhile and then when I am feeling stronger, we go back. Sort of two steps forward one step back for me. But otherwise the side effects create too much interference.

Oh, So glad you told me about that stoppers. I almost did something very destructive (but fun)last night. I was very out of control. Will have to talk to T about it on Monday.

Definitely more flashbacks, self-hate, deep shame, some anger, grief, and feeling extremely emotionally labile. A T needs to be able to titrate it so that it's not overwhelming for the patient. They need to feel when you have to back off and they need to demonstrate that they are not afraid of whatever you tell them and that they can handle it and to STAY with you while you go through it because you were alone the first time and it's really important that they are with you when you are working through it. They also have to be good at helping you contain the emotions and memories so you can remain functioning in real life. Pretty tricky stuff... still learning but feeling confident in my T now.

TN

I have only been able to discuss or process trauma-type stuff in a dissociated/3rd person/intellectual/observational state so far. I'm sure we'll get there eventually if I stick with it, so glad to have the heads up about what I can expect.

almost slept with my best friends husband last night, who told me he has wanted me for a long time. I escaped in time. Can you imagine all the destruction I would have caused if I did it? Wondering about the connection to the rape. Not thinking it had anything to do with what my T did or didn't do this week but just started talking about the rape for the first time. I was able to talk to a really good friend today about it who asked me would it be physical or emotional for me. And I said, totally physical. He's soooo hot. Not emotional at all. She cautioned me to control myself. Very good advice indeed. What the heck was I thinking last night? Did i want to destroy everything in my path? Talk about creating my own trauma!!

So torn up with myself. I feel out of control. Definitely have to get in that therapy room on Monday.

Thank goodness some part of you is still in control, as yes, that could have caused major problems - but also I admire you for posting about it as it was obviously a very strong pull for you and you still did not go there.

Which is good.

So glad you have a T session on Monday as it feels like you have a huge amount on your plate right now.

There have been times when I have been in such emotional pain that it has seemed a little tempting to reach out for some physical intimacy with someone ... when it was inappropriate, - so I have some idea of how that must be. You know - that it could feel better for a while, but actually causing terrible fractures in the rest of your life. But pain is not a rational thing. It can make us do the daftest of things.

You look after your self this weekend Liese and congratulate your self on your self control.

quote:

who told me he has wanted me for a long time.

I just had something similar happen with one of my husband's best friends. He is having marriage problems and we were commiserating and he started texting me about how he had wished H hadn't gotten to me first and when last year's traumatic event happened, he wished he could have taken advantage of that to split us up. And that he was still thinking of ways to get that moment back. It was a really freaky experience, in which I completely redirected him (he kept coming back to it) and ended up texting my pastor for advice on how to deal with and telling my H about it as well. It's a really weird space to be in. A few days later, he apologized and went back to normal, but I'm still kind of freaked out by it.

Thanks for not hating me for confessing this to you. I don't know why I was so driven. He is definitely bored with his life and I know things between he and his wife are probably a bit stale. Maybe that's what I'll have to do, yaku, is redirect him. That's a good idea. I've known him a long time and he's been a really good friend and something like this could really screw a lot of things up.

I was thinking about being a people pleaser. And, if a people pleaser's depend on external validation, what happens when you take away that external validation? In the course of therapy, I mean? Does that make sense to anyone? Could that be why I almost did what I almost did? When you are restructuring the psyche?

Totally no judgment. Luckily, in my case, it wasn't where I was at, not that it never occurred to me that I had the option. However, I have had some really heavy temptations to make some very big mistakes and in my case it does have to do with being a people pleaser. This may not be what you experience, but I get this intense drive to just screw up so badly that no one will ever want or expect anything of me again. Like to remove the pressure by forcing people to hate me or expect the worst from me. Stuff like giving up fighting off the depression and just refuse to live...and worse. And I know it comes from a place of knowing my trying to be for everyone else is unsustainable. But I can't seem to surrender to just being me and doing my OWN best for others and trusting I will receive the same from them in return. It feels too dangerous.

Hi Liese, definitely no judgement here....therapy is so painful, maybe it was a distraction from pain for you?

For what it is worth, I understand although I doubt I would ever fall into the people pleaser definition. I have tried to distract myself from pain in any number of potentially self-destructive ways. I too flirted with disaster in terms of relationships within the past year and the potential for blowing up several important relationships was great. I managed to avoid the destruction, but at the time, the distraction was almost worth it. It is one of the reasons I decided to try therapy again.

Found a book or article that talks about processing trauma and EMDR and escalation of self-defeating behaviors. That could be my answer.

Talked to T about my behavior this weekend. He suggested that I was shifting my feelings from him to my neighbor. Before the nonincident with my neighbor, I WAS despairing over my relationship with T, wondering if I am an empty bucket? Will he be able to fill me up enough so I can get on with life? Why get involved when the relationship has to end? I posed all these questions to him today. He said I'm not ready to leave therapy so I shouldn't be thinking about the end. That did help. He said that when it comes, hopefully I will be ready but try not to think about it in the meantime. He doesn't see me as an empty bucket. Says I have a lot of strengths. Wish he would tell me what they are because I don't have a clue.

Anyway, we didn't really get to what feelings I'm suppressing and shifting onto my neighbor. Is it just those love feelings that you feel towards someone you love and who has been kind? Is it erotic love? He just mentioned that I was shifting my need to connect. Any ideas? Am I just still fighting my attachment to him?

Last week, I wanted him to hospitalize me. This week, I almost did an unthinkable act. It's always exciting living with me. I never know what I'll do next. So I guess it's probably obvious what I'm struggling with. To everyone but me. Yaku, where are you?

Where am I geographically? Mentally/Emotionally (what I struggle with)?

I've gone back and forth from being scared someone would hospitalize me if I share on my thoughts/feelings and just wishing they would do it (big she's a failure don't count on her anymore type display). Sometimes, I just feel like going through this needs to be a full-time thing for me. But I keep pushing through, because I have a 29-month-old girl that deserves better than I got. Every once in a while, I think maybe me not being around would be better than what I have to offer her, but from the outside, everyone thinks I'm mom of the year, so I guess she can't be too badly off...it's just all these thoughts/feelings in my head that make me assume so. The hardest part about it is having those crazy thoughts and then an hour later thinking, "Nah, I would never do that. I don't even KNOW that person who was thinking those things." It has made me start to realize that I can't really promise anything to anyone outside of just trusting God to protect me while I'm walking through a pretty scary period of facing up to this pain I don't even feel justified in having...

(((Yaku))))

29 months. Such a beautiful age. Yaku, this is exactly why I'm in therapy. For my kids. So they can have a better life than me. I had myself convinced at one point that they didn't really need me but thank goodness I snapped out of that one.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just making it all up.

stoppers,

so glad you found therapy again. I'm glad I avoided that situation too. It wasn't worth it. I don't think I would have recovered if I did that one. Hurt too many people. The funny thing is I've never been one to cheat on anyone. Could never have two boyfriends at once. Always felt guilty. This behavior is sooo not me. Hopefully I'll get to the bottom of it all soon. Maybe I'm still fighting the attachment to T?

Liese,

Do you think it was an act of "see...this is how bad off I am. This is how much I'm hurting!" Like you felt like you needed to do something big and dramatic so you'd have something tangible to show? I could be totally wrong, but I was just wondering.

(((hugs)))

Yeah, she really is the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered in my life. And I don't understand how I could have something this beautiful in my life and still struggle like I do. And it makes me kind of angry I ever agreed to go to therapy, because even if I was suffering, I was so well-managed that everyone else was better off before T said I actually had to experience my stupid feelings. I don't understand how those inclinations to think she is better off that way feel so real and then make no sense moments later. It gets me to the point of wanting to go on meds, which H is pretty against (yes, we've discussed I have trouble even having feelings or opinions without explicit outside permission). We are supposed to discuss a "place of faith" where I can know I won't be toxic to my kid tonight...but I have so many other things I want to talk about.

I wish I could post a picture of my daughter for you all to see, but that's a bad idea in general on the internet. I do have pics of her online, but they're all restricted access.

STRM, That was definitely behind the hospital thing. I even told T that I needed him to know how bad I feel because I do go in there and chat like a nice girl and never get angry. I've only ever hurt myself in my life. I've never cheated on my H, etc. And, so this other nonincident is way out of character for me. Aside from other things, the thought that went through my head was, now I'll do something really bad and give people a real reason to hate me. I guess to be continued. I wasn't in the mood to go too deep with T yesterday.

Yaku, I'm so sorry this is such a struggle for you. Quite honestly, therapy is a trip and a half. When I started with my last T, I wish someone had told me how difficult it would be at times and how scary all these emotions I didn't know I had were going to be. I think it was Sadly's old therapist who actually gave her a warning ahead of time about it. It just seemed to me the responsible thing to do.

Yaku, I need permission for a lot of things too and I'm a lot older than you. Try not to beat yourself up for being human. We all are, afterall. Your H sounds very smart and it sounds like you respect his opinion. It also sounds like he's very supportive of your therapy process. Did you meet in college? How long have you been married?

I met my husband when I started going to church a few months before my 17th birthday. I didn't have a ride home and he tricked me into giving me one. We were friends for over a year (because I was dating someone else). When I got dumped, he asked me out about a month later, after getting "permission" from my ex to do so. So, we dated for most of my senior year and all the way through my time at Stanford. We got married six days after I graduated. It was stressful to plan a wedding at that time, but neither of us wanted me to have to go live at my mother's ever again. So, we dated exclusively for almost five years before we were married. We were married in June of 2003, so we've been together 12.5 years and married for almost eight at this point. I do respect him immensely. He is very wise and discerning. At the same time, he caused a major trauma in my life that has basically scarred our family forever. On the one hand, it's mostly not his fault and related to a medical thing. On the other hand, the way he dealt with it was so damaging that counting on him is really painful for me. So, I go back and forth on how I'm feeling there.