I do think that my therapist is a part of my life. Right now, she's a pretty big part, actually. Yeah, I only have limited time with T weekly, but what we talk about and Ts unwavering faith in me carries me for the rest of the week.

If I can catch myself before I plummet into total shut down, then I have been with my T long enough now that when I get into a tough spot, I can ask myself "what would T tell you?" and it helps me a lot. I also write letters to my T throughout the week, and by the time I actually see T, I am able to pick the most important parts of those letters to either compile into one letter and share, or just to discuss. It helps me a lot (no, I don't email T, we have no electronic communication between sessions, just good old fashioned phone calls if I need.)

I think it took a while to get to this place. I'm a leading member of the black/white thinking club. I needed to know that T was truly in it for the duration before I was able to fully accept that T was a part of my life, and let it be so. I blocked it out for a while - and T was just that hour, but now, I know that I can "talk" to T any time I need to.

TAS,

I've really struggled with this and felt an awful lot like you do. I've often felt like he just didn't exist outside of his office. Like he wasn't real.

He has gone to great lengths to let me know our relationship exists outside the office and I have 24/7 out of session contact privileges. I don't use it much but once in a while and it really helps.

I complained not long ago that even though he says he's available to me, he's really not because he is seeing clients all day or teaching and then, when he's not, he's home and that's his time. He couldn't really argue with me but wants me to feel like he is available. He told me I can always leave a message and he will call me back when he has a break. It's not realistic to think that he'd really be available 24/7.

So, sometimes, I think I put these barriers in my head and make him feel unavailable. I did ask if I could just leave a message on his voicemail even if he was in session if I needed to. I was hesitating to do that because the light on his phone lights up when he gets a voicemail and I didn't want to disturb him during a session but he said it was fine. I still haven't found a need to do that but just knowing I can helps. It's like a little game I have to play in my head.

We are expecting a big storm here on Monday. I'm supposed to see T on Monday. I have had so much anxiety today about it all, the storm, the kids, my appointment, everything. I remembered one time there was a huge snow storm and he didn't go in nor did he call to cancel. Yes, it was a state of emergency. But still, not hearing anything was a bit freaky. So I started to worry about the storm and what if I didn't hear from him and he didn't go in and then he would feel very inaccessible to me again so I totally freaked. I broke down and called him today. He called back and was very reassuring.

Perhaps you can talk about it with your T so he can be extra sensitive to you and help you feel as if the relationship does exist outside of those 45 minutes sessions?

Thank you Room2Grow and Liese for your replies I really appreciate your thoughts.

Room2Grow: I know that I definitely can't deny the 'unwavering faith' of the Therapist in me. He has definitely proven that, even though at times, it's still hard for me to believe it is real.

I have been struggling because the Therapist recently cut off all texting and said that I could check in with on Sat and Tues, if I needed. The problem with that is he does not reply back. So, I think, "What is the point of checking in if no one replies back?"

It's as if I am all over the place in my thoughts. He said he didn't think the texting was helping with my impulsivity...only making it worse. So, while I know that he is doing it for my own good...It is so hard for me. I don't know how to make it less difficult.

Every week I go through this whole thing with him about quitting. It's like I am programmed to push him away. I want to stop doing it, but don't KNOW how to stop doing it, if that makes sense. (I would truly appreciate any ideas one might have about this)

I want to ask him for two sessions a week but I am afraid he will look at it as me being overly dependent but I really want to get through this and move on.

Liese, I hope everything goes okay for you this coming week.

T.

TAS, the two sessions a week really helped me a lot and I actually became more independent - which surprised my T. IT's called the dependency paradox. It was hard for me to ask too and my T was on the lookout for dependency and wasn't happy about it but we worked it out - eventually.

It's only been recently for me that I haven't threatened to leave. Funny thing is, he always takes me seriously yet I've never missed an appointment. I don't know how he does it with a straight face.

I think now I can finally say the words, I'm so scared to lose you instead of saying, I'm not coming back. But it took a really long time to be able to say that.

Your T has always sounded really nice.

I agree with this:

quote:

two sessions a week really helped me a lot and I actually became more independent - which surprised my T.

It's helped me see that T is there, is steady, is stable, and is unwavering.

I shouldn't say I have NO outside contact, as I'm allowed to call and leave messages any time I want. The one rule we have is that if I want a call back, I MUST ask for it specifically. Reason being, I need to learn to take care of those "needy" needs myself, which means asking for what I need, and not wishing someone (T) will read my mind.

One thing that I unconsciously did was to "test" T pretty regularly during our first few months, ok, our first year. I'd call and leave "urgent" sounding messages, but wouldn't ask for a call back, then I'd be mad at T the next sesh because there was no call back (even though I didn't ask) It helped me learn that T means what she says, the boundaries are incredibly consistent and clear. Any time I am unsure, I flat out ask T now. "Can I still leave messages when ever I want?" "Are you sure I'm not annoying you?" T always remains the steady person she is. It's her steadiness that has allowed me to be less dependent, because I know she will always be there, the same, consistent, steady T that she always is. When I was always worried about whether T was going to quit on me, I'd act up to give T the excuse to do so, but she wouldn't bite. I'd push her, try to piss her off, frustrate her, annoy her, but she remained the same. So I learned to trust her, and no do so with no question. The TWO times (over nearly two years) I've asked for a call back, I've gotten it within hours. All the proof I need.

quote:

We are expecting a big storm here on Monday. I'm supposed to see T on Monday. I have had so much anxiety today about it all, the storm, the kids, my appointment, everything. I remembered one time there was a huge snow storm and he didn't go in nor did he call to cancel. Yes, it was a state of emergency. But still, not hearing anything was a bit freaky. So I started to worry about the storm and what if I didn't hear from him and he didn't go in and then he would feel very inaccessible to me again so I totally freaked. I broke down and called him today. He called back and was very reassuring.

OMG... Liese I'm going through this exact thing. I have been a mess over work issues and really need to see T on Monday and I'm worried this stupid storm with cause me to miss my session. I am going to email him now. I know that will help.

TAS... I think you should ask for twice a week. This has been invaluable for me. And even with this I still can page him or email him whenever I need him. He has worked hard with me to get me to feel okay with doing this. He does not text with anyone. I agree with Liese that the more you can depend on them, the more independent you will eventually become. Think of it this way... if your 3 year old needed help getting dressed would you tell them to do it themselves because otherwise they would become too dependent? Of course not. You will help them and then they will learn how to dress themselves and then they won't need you to do it for them any longer. They will be independent.

What I think your T is missing is that you have had your early development go awry. So you need to do it again (as close as you can) this time with your T as the attachment figure. In this way you will eventually be independent from him but you need FIRST to learn to be dependent on him.

Back to the orignal question...

Yes, I believe my T is part of my life. Maybe not in every way like a friend is but he influences me in lots of ways. I feel him close to me at times. I remember things he tells me. I hear him talk to me in my head (I have internalized him) and when I hit a part of my life that I cannot handle ... well then I can contact him to help me.

It has taken a long time and a lot of testing. And I still test him and lose faith and trust...but it's getting better. He is steady and consistent (and damn pushy at times) but he tells me he cares for me and respects me and he believes in me. That makes him a part of my life because I try to live up to what he feels about me.

Hug
TN

hi TAS. indeed, there is no doubt in my mind it would be easier not to have the relationship. but i also think easier isn't necessarily the same as better. i think therapy is some of the toughest work i've done and i don't particularly like it, but i do feel on a gut level that it's helpful and will culminate in my life being better. hopefully even happy. i'm not sure if that's possible but i guess i'm curious enough to keep going back. therapy is a weird f*cking beast.

i think i'd feel the same way as you ... if there is no response to your text, then why bother? it's like a false promise or something. i mean, just a mild acknowledgement would mean more than silence. seriously. what's the point? geez! thank you T (genuflect) for letting me text you, i am so honored that you let me do so just so that you can dutifully ignore me! sorry, TAS ... i do think overall that your T has been pretty solid. i guess i'd press him on this and find out what how he thinks this was a good decision. maybe it's purely the impulisivity thing. i don't know.

yeah, and i get how you want to quit every week because you don't want to get any closer and you don't want him to get any closer. and every week you want to call and cancel but you just can't seem to make yourself make the call to cancel. you don't know HOW to stop it. i know. i'm there. and like you, i would appreciate ideas on how to break this cycle. either just flat out say "I'M DONE!!!" or learn how to accept that you're in this for the long haul and be done with all the internal angst. TAS, i hear you. i talk/think about quitting all the time, but at the same time know that if i don't do this now i never will. i wish it were easier, but it ain't.

TAS, i think if you are contemplating 2x a week you should ask. i think your reason is honorable and if he is worried about the dependency thing you can suggest that you "want to get through this and move on". i don't know, but i would think that would be reasonable to your T. good luck with whatever you do!

TAS,

quote:

"want to get through this and move on"

That is a great response if he gives you a hard time. The thing is, you are stuck in the "I want to get closer and trust but I'm scared" phase. I was stuck there a long time and T didn't recognize how his own fears of dependency interfered with the resolution of this phase.

If he truly has issues with you becoming too dependent, ask him to tell you what is so bad or wrong about dependency? IMO, as long as he doesn't take advantage of the dependency, then there is no downside. Maybe it's what you need right now.

The thing is, if you are stuck in the preoccupied or avoidant stage, you won't get to any of the issues that your T obviously wants to bring to your attention. And that's because the attachment needs rule. They need to be satisfied first before anything else can be accomplished. You really won't be able to address any other issues until this one gets resolved. Good luck.

Does it help people knowing where they struggle with their attachment or the age where it went awry???? I wonder about this because I am still stuck at the newborn stage where I need to know that T is there to keep me alive. She is doing everything to make me be dependent on her. I resist.

My T and I talk about this all the time, where I am at, how my attachment to her feels like - how WE are going. I say to her I don't want to be dependent - she says - it is absolutely fine.

At the moment I have 2 sessions per week but T and I have had a huge rupture and I totally withdrew and unattached from her. We are rebuilding. I have 2 sessions and I STILL need daily contact and when things happen - I need her to call me to steady me. I email and she replies on 2 days a week (so there are some limits). I still need her and still think she isn't there for me.

My point is that you need whatever you need to attach, trust, feel safe and then grow with your T. Until then you and he seem to be dancing a different dance to each other. I hope you can have a discussion with him about his attitude toward attachment and dependency. He would be frustrating the hell out of me.

In my opinion (and my T's) dependency is a fantastic and great thing and when it happens it means that a client and T can start to do some really healing work. But it is a temporary phase - as it is with children. I have never met a 14 year old boy who still holds hands with is mum out in public - but plenty of 4yo boys do. Same with us, we will move out of that dependent phase into the next phase.

Somedays

TAS,

I can completely relate to this. At least the part about feeling like it would be easier to just not have the relationship. Although I think my feelings come from a bit of a different place. But overall, yes I struggle with that. Its so strange to have such an intimate relationship with someone who cannot be a part of the rest of your life. To share my most personal thoughts, feelings, emotions, and to rely on her for a certain safety and calming that no one else in my life can provide and to have that relationship so restricted almost causes me more pain sometimes. I don't really know if that is the same place you are coming from, but yes...almost every week I toy with the idea of just not going anymore.
One thing I do have to say though, is that if you think you need to be going two times a week, then you need to tell T. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. This is your healing process as well.

SD, I think you make such a great point, that it doesn't matter how much or what we need or why we need it but that it just is. No judgments.

TAS, I was thinking about the texting issue and what T called your impulsiveness. Recently, I had a need to call my T to reassure him that I appreciate him - which sounds nice - but that need came from my need to know that he still loved me.

So, it wasn't really for him. It was for me. (Although I asked him about this later and wondered whether I should have even bothered to thank him if it was just for me.)

I knew it was for me at the time but my anxiety level was SSOOOO high that I couldn't talk myself out of reaching out to him. That's what I'm calling my impulsiveness.

I couldn't/can't work on the impulsiveness piece of it until I know deep in my heart that my T isn't ever going to reject me. My brain goes into high gear and directs my behavior with little or no thought. "I'm afraid T will reject me or I'm scared and this is how I am going to solve the problem."

So what am I trying to say? I honestly don't know. But I don't think the impulsiveness is going to go away until I really start to feel safe most of the time.

Liese, Room2Grow, TrueNorth, Closed Doors, Kmay,and SomeDays: Thank you so much. I apologize if I got the order wrong according to order of posts...

Thank you for chiming in...as far as dependency on Therapist...I have fought that from the very beginning. I am trying to accept it...but I fight against it a lot. I don't think I do it purposely, more that it is ingrained in me to not get attached.

It's interesting about attachment. I don't want to get attached. However, in order for this to be effective...there has to be some sort of healthy attachment.

This is my current struggle. I see him once a week and every week I tell him I am quitting...normally between sessions. I always have a sense of impending doom. For example, I am going to come in and he is going to say to me, 'I can't help you.' I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop or there is always unfinished business that I don't do well with.

He tells me to step back and objectively look at what my thoughts are saying and compare it to what he has shown to be true in my experience with him. I work at that, I really do. The problem is: I can't ever remember his voice. That bothers me so badly. I have been seeing him over a year and I still can't recall the sound of his voice.

I am sure this is all linked back to my past...and bleeding into the present with Therapist.

Thank you for your thoughts and I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It really does help!

I always get ClosedDoors and SomeDays confused...I think because of the fruit as the picture I almost omitted one of you in my thank you, accidentally.

I appreciate each of you and your replies.
T.

Ha ha - my avatar has three bits of fruit - three times the trouble. My T would probably agree.......

TAS - I think the bottom line is - to do the type of work you need to do in therapy - you HAVE to attach. I don't know how to get to the other side without attaching. IF all your energy is going against it and resisting - then in the end it will take much longer and be more painful. I think.

Somedays - 3 fruits.