I haven't been around much but therapy has been progressing with difficulty as usual. Last week I had a conversation with my T where I told him that I felt like I couldn't talk about my feelings because all I did was complain. I also said I knew what he was or wasn't willing to do so there was no point in complaining. He seemed confused by this and eventually we reached the point where I told him that when I get upset what comes up for me is me wanting something from him. It might be him to say something reassuring about his own feeling or reaction to me or it might be some action (like moving close to me or me taking an object home from his office). He seemed surprised and asked if I didn't feel like I was being abandoned or ignored or XXX and therefore I was asking him to do an action to respond to that feeling. I said no I just wished he would do something. Identifying a feeling that was related to my wish came later sometimes and I get stuck at the wishing stage because I know he won't do certain things (like move closer to me or touch or volunteer reassurance). He will however reassure me if I can be very specific about what I want reassurance about (does he realize how much I depend on him and is he okay with that? for example.) Of course articulating clearly is not something I can do when I'm upset so I feel like the only way I can do therapy is to keep from being too upset but that doesn't work either.
Does anyone else not know how they feel even while they want someone to do something? I feel so needy when I just want something from my T and I'm ashamed to tell him unless I can explain why I want it and why he should do it. Any advice on how to work through things like this?
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