OMG CATGIRL!!!!!

I actually have a copy of this book on my desk! Isn't the lil bird so cute!

I too have been chronically searching for a mother my whole life (hence the name). I have always attached myself to mother figures who could not/would not mother me. I actually took a copy of this book and re-wrote it. I typed up words that fit for me, taped them over the existing words and gave it to my T!!! I know, kinda lame, but it helped me to have the illustrations/analogies!

If you're interested in reading what I wrote, let me know. I don't mind sharing but don't want to effect the meaning the book has for you!

-CT

CT-

That's so cool!

I was thinking about writing and illustrating my own version of this book. I'd love to see what you wrote.

How are you working through this issue?

catgirl

Hey Catgirl. Here is what I wrote. BTW, I changed the names of the people in the story... I didn't feel too comfortable naming all the people I experienced transference over the years. Most of them were teachers while I was in school though.

Title: Are you my mother?
Subtitle: My Quest for Comfort and Acceptance

When I was in the womb, my mother was content,
but she wasn’t quite sure what to do with me once she realized I would soon be my own person.
She tried to figure out what a good mother should do,
but in doing that, she overlooked my emotional needs.
So, while she was off trying to figure out what to do,
I developed and
I grew without her.
Innately, however, I knew something was missing,
and took it upon myself to find out what that was.
I looked, first, from the safety of my home,
but upon coming up empty,
I began to reach out beyond my comfort zone.
I felt vulnerable and uncomfortable,
but the sudden jolt of reality is what shocked me the most.
Much to my surprise,
I could not maneuver life in an efficient manner,
so I just did the best I could with what I had.
I began to wander around,
not knowing exactly what I was looking for.
The first person I bumped into was Person A.
She paid attention,
but she didn’t know what to do with me.
Since she was not much help,
I moved on to Person B. She at least engaged me,
but I realized she could not meet all of my needs.
Determined and desperate for
comfort and acceptance, I continued.
I found Person C this time, and I got really close to her,
but I got too close and had to again move on.
Person D was the next person I connected with.
She was straightforward and would not let me in very far.
After all of these years of what felt like rejection, I began to doubt myself and whether or not I was loveable.
I did not give up however; I was going to make this work.
I searched frantically now,
and I began to cope and find temporary peace in cutting.
My cries for help got louder and more drastic,
but I just felt left behind
and passed over.
Scared, alone and in despair,
I called out to this God-thing I was hearing about.
To my surprise, I was scooped up by a community of people, but I remained skeptical.
Part of me wanted to return to the comfortable misery of hopelessness, but I was afraid of being alone again.
So, I held on to the people and stability that God gave me,
and I recently found a moment of peace in the chaos that often surrounds me.
Without warning, I allowed myself to feel my pain and sadness regardless of who was watching.
Amazingly, after I threw my fit, I opened my eyes and found myself exactly where I am supposed to be.
Now, upon being confronted with memories of my past,
I can recognize my mother for who she was,
and I know the dangers of looking
for comfort and acceptance in the wrong places.



As far as how I am working through all of this stuff, well, day by day I guess. Some days are better than others. I have a very intense attachment to my T. I have experienced maternal transference and erotic transference with her, and while I still feel both at times, most of my feelings for her are a fond sense of longing that is almost always there.

What really keeps me going most days is something my T said. One day, when I was struggling and complaining about falling into this obsessive-transference mess for the billionth time (this time with her) she said "after this, you don't ever have to do it again." It was simple but it has stuck with me. When I feel like quitting therapy and never coming back, I remind myself that if I can just keep going with her, I don't ever have to do this again. It takes a lot of trust that she is going to be responsible and not exploit me, but I feel safe with her and want her to help me. I often run head-first into her boundaries, and I often recoil violently, but I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THESE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS FOREVER! And I don't want to. And I know that working with her is the best way for me to get through this pattern I have developed. So I keep going and seeing her and listening to her when every ounce of me tells me not to. I just keep telling her all of the embarrassing thoughts I have in hopes that it will help her to help me. And I ask her every question that I have no matter if it's for the hundreth time. I need repitition and she knows it so I just trust that my instincts are instinctive for a reason. I pretty much just don't hold back with her no matter how scared, angry or upset I am.

Anyway, I hope that make sense. It's all very hard and painful, but I'm banking on it being worth it!

-CT

quote:

I pretty much just don't hold back with her no matter how scared, angry or upset I am.

I am inspired by your commitment to the process. I am ever so slowly inching my way towards being able to do this too.

quote:

I am inspired by your commitment to the process. I am ever so slowly inching my way towards being able to do this too.

Wow, River. Thank you. It is slow and is taking me a while to get here, but the acceptance she shows me after each revelation is very freeing and encouraging.

It's still hard though, because so much emotion is involved. However, I'm getting very close to believing that I can't say anything that will ever make my T leave me, but I'm not quite there yet. There are two things I hold back from telling her- each involving me getting too interested in her personal life. I don't want to tell her these things because I'm afraid I am going to disappoint her, but when I have some distance from them, I'm sure they will come out.

Anyway, keep forging ahead. I know you can do it.

-CT

CT,

thanks for sharing 'Are you my mother'. I can see myself in the constant wish to satisfy what was/is missing. Looking for love and acceptance and somebody touching those hidden parts of my soul without causing major damage. Or bringing up the fear thereof. And guess what, I have found it! I am touching and being touched by my t - in very small ways as yet but I can feel my trust expanding slowly. Last session I realised he believes what I say too and I don't have to fight and shout anymore (well, eventually...)

SB

CT,

I love your version of the story! I've started writing and illustrating my version. If I like it well enough, I'll post it.

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:

What really keeps me going most days is something my T said. One day, when I was struggling and complaining about falling into this obsessive-transference mess for the billionth time (this time with her) she said "after this, you don't ever have to do it again." It was simple but it has stuck with me. When I feel like quitting therapy and never coming back, I remind myself that if I can just keep going with her, I don't ever have to do this again.

-CT

Do you find that talking about it with your T has diffused the feelings. How long have you been working on this with her? How long have you been seeing her? How far into your relationship did the feelings develop? How much of your time together is spent on this? Does the pain lessen as you talk about it more? What is your T's reaction to all of this? Does she seem to have any countertransference? (I hope you don't mind so many questions. Just answer the ones that you feel comfortable answering. I'm just dying to talk with people about this.)

I love what your therapist said about this being the last time that you have to go through this. It makes it seem like there's light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe it's worth the pain of the transference and the pain of working through the transference so that we can get on with our lives in a healthy way, for me for the first time.

I hate bumping into the boundaries, too. It's so painful. But I'm so glad for them, because they keep me from doing weird things, and because I know that it's safe for me to explore these issues because of the boundaries.

Thanks for all of your support with this, and for sharing your story that you wrote.

catgirl

quote:

I love your version of the story! I've started writing and illustrating my version. If I like it well enough, I'll post it.

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I hope this project is as healing for you as it was for me. BTW, I'd like to read your version if you are willing to share. If not, however, I definitely understand- it's quite personal.

quote:

Do you find that talking about it with your T has diffused the feelings. How long have you been working on this with her? How long have you been seeing her? How far into your relationship did the feelings develop? How much of your time together is spent on this? Does the pain lessen as you talk about it more? What is your T's reaction to all of this? Does she seem to have any countertransference?

As of next week, I will have been in therapy with my T for a year. Given my history, both she and I knew that I would most likely develop feelings for her. We didn't bring it up though- it was very important to let it develop. I didn't know the term transference, but I knew that I had to go "there" again- and do it differently- in order to heal. When I first met her, I was (subconciously) sizing her up, seeing if she was "my type." As time went on, I began feeling very envious towards her and thinking about her often. I knew it was starting, but didn't really say anything until probably month 4 or so. I remember I mentioned it once but we didn't discuss it again for a while. As the feelings intensified though, I brought it up again- and referred to it frequently.

And yes, talking about it does help to diffuse the intensity of the feelings. But feeling it with her is what helps the most. It's hard, and painful, but I make myself do it. Until these emotions are allowed to have a voice and are received appropriately by an attachment figure, they will not rest. I.E. At one point, I was fantasizing about her sexually ALL THE TIME. I got so fed up with it (I could barely think about anything else!) that one day, I wrote out the sexual fantasy that I kept playing over and over in my head. I held nothing back- it was the most sexually explicit thing I had ever written, but I warned her and did not write it with the intent to turn her on or anything. I just needed her to know what I was thinking about and what I thought it meant symbolically. Let me just say that NOTHING diffuses sexual fantasies quicker than comparing them to the dysfunctional relationship with your mother! It was SO embarrassing and awful, but within the next few weeks, I was fantasizing WAY less. And my T was great. She wasn't shocked or aghast or upset. She was just her.

As far as how much time we spend on this... well, I think it is a part of everything. I mean, the reactions I have to her are a lot of what we deal with in therapy. For me, feeling anything other than "okay" or "tired" was never allowed growing up. Any emotion I had changed the relationship I had with the people around me. Being angry meant that my mother no longer loved me- as did making mistakes- and being happy was seen as some sort of betrayal. So now, any feeling I have triggers one of my old "oh shit" alarms and I get convinced that my T isn't going to be able to handle my emotions and my feelings. I think I am going to run her off just by feeling, but each time I tell her something and discover that she is just the same- that she cares about me just the same- it amazes me. So to me, we work with transference all the time, just not directly. My whole process with her is about experiencing things differently, realizing that the way it was for me growing up wasn't the right way or the only way. If I weren't attached to her, we couldn't go there.

The pain does lessen, but only with time and through grief. Talking stirs it all up, as does reliving the old feelings and memories, but the freedom my T gives me to be/express myself is priceless. She has always handeled my extreme emotions very well- never reacting even when I begged her to give me some sign that she was human (and by human, I meant that I wanted her to exploit me like everyone else who had ever "loved" me). She has always engaged me well, joked with me and answered my questions, but she has remained firm and very boundaried. She is very good at being relaxed and authentic while remaining professional and somewhat of an enigma. As for counter-transference, I won't say it's not there because I think some form is ALWAYS there, but she keeps it out of the room. She never gets too emotional with me or too friendly. She has even told me that she is more careful with me because she believes that she needs to be- that it is best for me. She NEVER makes a need of hers known because of my past habit of being a caretaker. And she is very intentional about not sending me mixed signals.

quote:

(I hope you don't mind so many questions. Just answer the ones that you feel comfortable answering. I'm just dying to talk with people about this.)

I don't mind at all CG. It's good for me to go over these things. It's nice to be able to talk about these things without people thinking your weird, isn't it?

I have to say that, while this is the most painful thing I have ever experienced at times, my relationship with my T is one I would never trade for anything. I am truly beginning to understand that her refusal to repeat the patterns of my past (the feel-good-in-the-moment ones)- no matter how much I beg her to- is true respect and acceptance. She hears me, understands me, cares about me, but is also willing to disappoint me for my sake. I am learning that a "no" doesn't mean I have done something wrong or that she hates me. No doesn't have to be a punishment, and I have never experienced that before.

quote:

Thanks for all of your support with this, and for sharing your story that you wrote.

You are very welcome. Ask me anything you would like to, I'm not all that shy (from behind an avatar at least).

-CT

CT

Thanks for the response! It's a lot to chew on. It's good to feel like I'm not alone in this.

I'm still working on my "Are You My Mother" story. I'm not sure how it's going to end. I'll share it with you when I'm finished.

catgirl

Hey CG- I just looked over my previous response... IT WAS LONG! Hope I didn't overwhelm you! Hope your finding the book process therapeutic!


SB & HB-
I just noticed I never responded to your comments on my story! I'm sorry!

SB- I'm glad you have found love and acceptance in your T! Isn't it nice to be heard without having to shout!?!

HB- I was very moved by your response!

quote:

What i see is your courage shining out blinding me with its strength. I see someones whose faith and belief in love is so pure that is will never give up on it no matter what. I see this great big heart that knows how it wants to live and knows which direction to go and IS GOING THERE.

WOW. I don't know what to say other than thank you for your words and perspective. Maybe there is something to those "rose-tinted glasses" you keep talking about! Also, I'm glad your move went well! I hope you are getting organized and not finding the transition too hard.

-CT

quote:

I just noticed I never responded to your comments on my story! I'm sorry!

no worries

quote:

SB- I'm glad you have found love and acceptance in your T! Isn't it nice to be heard without having to shout!?!

It is CT, it is. Especially since I never noticed I was shouting in the first place!

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Hey CG- I just looked over my previous response... IT WAS LONG! Hope I didn't overwhelm you! Hope your finding the book process therapeutic!

-CT

CT,
You didn't at all overwhelm me. I'm super glad that you took so much time to answer my questions, and it's helping me to learn what this whole thing is all about.

The book process is great! It's a good thing to do while my T is out of town. It's easy to write about all of the "mothers" I've tried. I want to end it with the mother that I hope to find, but I'm not sure what that is. I know it's not a person. I think it has something to do with self-love. I'm not exactly sure, though. So, I'm trying to figure this out. I might have to wait til my T is back and talk about it with her. So, the book's still in process. It's certainly causing me to think a lot.

Thanks for your support through this.

catgirl

Coming soon: My version of "Are you my Mother." Keep posted!

Anyone know how to post a scanned document?

hey cg!

looking forward to seeing your story. not sure about the scanned document... if you notice though, if you try to make a new discussion (or reply) in "Coffe Talk at the Psych Cafe" or "Questions about content on MyShrink..." you have a little blue link in that allows you to add an attachment... that might work...not sure why "Stories and Personal Accounts About Therapy" doesn't have this link... maybe I should let Shrinklady know...?

-CT

CT,
Thank you so much for showing interest in this. I think you're going to like my little book, with all of the illustrations and all.

I'll try to use those links that you mentioned.

Today, I'm actually knocked on my a$$ with the flu, and have been since Tuesday. It sucks! I was sick over the weekend, and then it hit me again. I hate being sick. It always makes me miss my mom. I used to always call her when I was sick, and now I can't. That's hard for me. I feel so alone and abandoned when I'm sick. (But, right now, I'm lucky, because I got my cat from my not-yet-ex husband's house, and she's been laying with me and licking my feet and hands. I love kitties.) And then I miss my therapist. I was supposed to see her yesterday, but I was sick. She called me to check in, and said kind things. She said she'll call me today to check in with me, cuz she knows how I freak out when I'm sick. I just keep imagining that she's holding me. Is that weird?

catgirl

catgirl,

I am really looking forward to reading your book too! It was the very first post I read when i came to this forum and i was just like OMG that is just ME in a nutshell!

I've been sick for nearly 2 weeks and it's driving me crazy!!! I don't think it's weird to imagine your T holding you. When you're sick all you want is someone to take care of you. Who better to take care of you than the person you know you can trust to be there for you. Let yourself imagine it, it will help.

cassie

Okay, so I just spent an hour scanning my little book and trying to figure out how to upload it somewhere so I can create a link here so you guys can see it. Anyone have any ideas? I was going to do Photobucket, but something wasn't working for it, I'm not sure what, because I don't really get computers.

Anyone know how I can do this?

Catgirl,
What type of file is it?

AG

AG,
I just uploaded it to photobucket. I don't know if this is the best way to do it or not.

It's four different images saved as JPEG. Does that answer your question about what type of file?

Is there a better way than photobucket?

How do I go from here?

catgirl

Hi CG....

You can upload JPEG's from your personal files by creating a photo album....select the folder at the top that reads NEW (as in new topic)...then go to photo album and the widget will walk you through the steps. You can also upload directly to the threads (one JPEG per post) using the add attachment link at the bottom of the posting form. I think you can upload a photo album anywhere. I uploaded a gallery in Personal Stories so I know it does work.

What I can't figure out is why you are seeing NIX pics in the other thread. Do you have an image blocker installed on your browser? Go to the Personal Stories section and scroll down until you see the Art Therapy topic that I posted, and let me know if you can see any images at all.

SD

What SD said.

(And yes, jpeg was the file type )

I'm trying to post my ARE You MY Mother book.

I've been trying to create a photo album on this forum. You can go under "New" and create a photo album, but for some reason, it's not working for one reason or another. This past time, I got all of the way to the last step, then it kept saying Error. Has Anyone done this before? I need help!

Hi everyone

First, CG, try contacing Shrinklady via her email contact. She has helped me re:a technical question, very quickly through email. She can probably help. I can't wait to see your book.

Everyone, I just foud this thread and am so glad. There is so much here to think about for me, and so much that I have dealt with and deal with all of the time. CT and CG, I really think you are so brave for the way you are able to be so direct and stay with that with your T's about this. I have told my T that I have maternal feelings for her, but just cannot seem to get up the courage to really say how much I really just want her to be my mom. Like everything else between us, I know she knows.

I have had so many failed attempts at mom-attachment! Teachers, mentors in my profession, coaches, I don't even know who else. I have made a outright fool of myself, and have, i am sure just overwhelmed people with my neediness and pushed people away. No wonder that I have never had those needs met, huh? For the first time ever, I do feel that real attachment to my T, that feels so genuine. I don't feel like I overwhelm her, and she no matter how hard I have tried to run, she reins me in! Now is the hard part, really being able to tolerate talking about how much I want her to be my mom. Sometimes the attachment is really just overwhelming to me. It seems so weird to be so sad that I have never had it and so happy at the same time that I I feel such amazing feelings. Happiness and sadness coexisting seems really confusing.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I am just really happy to have come across the thread.

CG, I really am looking forward to seeing your Book. You are a great writer and and your words are really meaningful.

whereamI

Hey guys!

I posted it, I posted it, I posted it!!!!!!

Yay yay yay!!!!!!!!

It's under the other "Are You My Mother," and it's a photo gallery. You can read it and make comments if you click on "comments." Please let me know whacha think, K?

Meow