I don't actually worry about my T dying unexpectedly. I worry more about her suddenly getting fed up with me and hating me.

I think we all have some kind of abandonment fears, they just show up in different ways.

I think BLT is right. I think it has to do with abandonment issues. Possibly death is the type of abandonment you experienced as a child growing up? For example perhaps (and I am just guessing) you may have felt like the one person you could confide in, or needed to be near was say a grandparent for example who offered support and when they died you were left alone, or at least left to deal with your problems/situation alone? It is just a thought...only you would know?

For me I always felt like I was not worthy of understanding and so I guess I just had this expectation that if I ever told anyone they would leave me...funny that....coz that is what my T did, but I know where it came from .... I remember telling something in my childhood to my mother and being left alone right afterwards - just standing in the dark, left alone and confused, never to open my mouth about anything related to that topic again.

I'm sure if you look closely and deeply at your past relationships the answer will become clear.

For me it's always the constant thought that she'll get fed up and dump me. I think I could handle it better if she died than if she rejected me. But I certainly don't want her to die!

I do think about Eliana, although I agree with the others, in that most of the time, the more threatening idea is her getting angry with me and kicking me out.

But-- I *do* occasionally think about her dying. What occurs to me around that is... would anyone even bother telling me? Somehow the fact that she could be dead, and I wouldn't know about it, bothers me a lot. My T works in a private practice, she's not part of any group or hospital, so I really don't know how the word would ever get to me.

I think I was constantly worried about abandonment in the beginning, the purposeful, he can't stand me kind. As he has shown that it is just never going to happen, now I worry about that sort of "can't be helped," stuff like him retiring, moving or yes, unexpected death. My T is 61. He drives 2.5 hours to get to my area Monday morning, 50 minutes to where he works Wednesdays, not sure how long to where he works Thursdays and another 1.5 hours home on Fridays. When he went on a trip and had said he was going to have a lot of time to text as someone else would be doing the driving and then I didn't get a text response for like a day-and-a-half, I was scared he died. I have actually had scared thoughts, the same thing, about what it would be like if I walked in for my appointment and heard from another T that something bad had happened. I would probably have an idea something was up before that, though, because we are in contact throughout the week (and trying not to get all negative on myself about it, since T is always really so positive).

Yes, not from age but like car accidents or what have you. Right now I'm scared my T is going to move away before I ever finish working with her. I think she is gearing down to retire/switch to part time/move - she's said so but I just don't know when or how soon that is happening.

I 'think' I worry in a normal way about my t dying. the occasional thought. He once was late and texted me to say his car brakes had failed and they were going to have to leave it and catch a bus. BRAKES FAILED !!!!! My god. Then 'THEY'???!!?!?!? Who is 'they'?

But usually I am like everyone else in that I happily don't think about death, which could strike anyone of us at any time.

I worry a lot that he might suddenly decide that he isn't going to give hugs anymore. I think that is a more realistic fear. I used to worry that he did not like me. After the last two sessions I have had, it is more like "He doesn't and can't like me, but I hope he doesn't terminate with me'. a part of me knows he is too professional to do that, but because of being terminated by the last counsellor, I FEEL the anxiety and have to reason myself out of it.

No not death but now that I think about it....oh gosh that's scary...ok no bad thoughts. In all reality though, I don't really worry about her dying it's more of the fear of her abandoning me. I'm scared she'll one day say sorry Jenny but I can't work with you anymore blah blah blah. I think be gotten to the point now where Im secure enough where I know I'm just being totally silly and irrational if one of those thoughts decides to try and creep up on me.

Funny, I just recently thought about this because my t was having surgery. It wasn't life threatening but you never know what can happen. It scared me alot to think that she might not come out of the anesthesia, or that after her surgery she would just give up being a t, or any other tradgedy I could think up.
I finally haad to tell myself, the first off nothing was going to happen to her. and secondly, even if it did, I would be able to move on with what she has taught me. I would never forget her but I would be able to move on.

Yes i am scared my 65-yr-old T will die, even though she is in excellent health. I worry she will die in a car crash because she travels every weekend. In fact, just Saturday i sent her a text in the middle of the night that read "I don't want you to die." But i do not think about it everyday. The fear of her dying pops up randomly. i think the trigger for it this past weekend was knowing she was attending a relative's funeral because i have imagined myself at T's own funeral many times. usually i do not fear T will die immediately, but i just know it WILL happen SOMEDAY, and even someday seems unacceptable.

I also have the other kinds of abandonment fears though, that T will leave me other in ways, like by retiring her practice. Or sometimes i still worry that her love will turn to hate and disgust.

I don't know if T has a back-up plan for her clients if something happens to her, or if she retires. I will have to ask about that. But my hunch is that she doesn't because the only T around here locally that she seems to respect is older than she is.

Yes, I definitely have worried about this. Not that I have any specific reason to. My T is very young, but you never know what will happen...
Anytime we have bad weather, I worry about her driving. I told her this.
I think, like born2write suggested, I'm hung up on this because I experienced the death of someone close early in life. When my dad died just like that, I think it engrained in me that anyone I love can disappear at any moment, and there's nothing I can do about it. That causes a lot of anxiety.

Wow thank you so much for all your great replies! It never stops to amaze me that sharing fears and having them validated and seeing that we all have them makes me feel immediately better!

Need to keep practicing

I understand life happens and (although unlikely) my T can indeed die. The thing is, my relationship with him is pretty much the first honest and deep relationship I've ever had (sad and depressing i know) so I'm not as optimistic about getting over him and finding someone else to try again. I don't want to. Hopefully nothing will happen.

I've been thinking about what you said, that maybe it's related to some sort of loss in my past. No one meaningful to me died when I was younger, but when i was on my early teens my father had a severe heart stroke and nearly died (spend several weeks in ICU). Ever since I've always been worried that my father can die all of a sudden. For example, whenever i have a missed call from my sister (she doesn't call much) i get really anxious, my first thought is always "oh god maybe something happened to dad" and I can't go through the day without calling back and asking my sister why she called.

I understand now that I've always bottled up all my fears and never spoke about it to anyone (actually i don't even remember crying when my father had a stroke, or showing any emotion at all other than feeling sick everytime i tried to eat) so I've always assumed the event never had any effect on me.

Mmm you gave me lots of food for thought here.