(((HELD)))

Can you bring them but tell her ahead of time that you are feeling very sensitive to her reaction?

HIC,
I'm not someone who draws to express herself but after starting to work with BN, I wrote my first poetry in 30 years and have brought several poems into my therapy sessions. One in particular, I had mailed ahead and my T brought a printed copy to our session to discuss it and it led to a major breakthrough. I will confess that when I told him I was writing poetry, he did tell me he would love to see it, if I was willing.

At one point, I found a book by a very successful, famous poet which mentioned my T by name in the acknowledgements and contained a poem dedicated to my T. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life realizing I had let him see my poetry (I'm NOT a particularly gifted poet, my writing skills run towards prose). But I talked to him about it and his response was to share a poem with me (by another author!) and I ended up writing a poem about the whole experience and giving it to him.

Like everything else I expose to my T, I go in expecting rejection and scorn and instead get met with acceptance and curiosity. He has often said that one of the strengths of our work is that I bring so many things into session, including my feelings, music, books I read, dreams, poetry, journaling. It's all information that can be used to understand you better.

I find your worry very understandable (and easy to relate to) but I think it would be really good to take in and show her.

AG

HIC, if you feel able to, your visual journal could potentially open up a great space between you and your T. It sounds like a part of you was almost there but then perhaps some protective censors jumped in? I do have experience of having shared something even though I was very uncertain. On the whole I'm glad I did it.

I have quite a complex relationship with creative pursuits. Okay, actually it's not that complex now I think on it. It boils down to "don't think I'm any good. Too scared to try"

I have a strong memory of being asked to write a poem in school aged around 6 (We'd just read Wordsworth's Daffodils) and sitting there frozen, unable to write anything because I knew I couldn't produce anything like I'd been read. I didn't understand that being creative didn't mean striving towards the perfect end product. We can blame lot of family stuff on that particular outlook.

Fast forward 30-odd years and I mostly still don't really feel in my heart that I could do something creative just for me... and be happy with it. I had to really challenge that the other day in college when we had to work with partners to create a map of our inner selves. I really, really had to push myself to stop being so worried about how it looked and just draw.

When I was done, I was oddly protective of my piece of incredibly scruffy inner world with pictures a 10 year old might not be proud of and a smudged rainbow and decided what the hell I'd take it to therapy. On the day, though I was full of panic, worry about being judged and, worse, real bunny in headlights fear of being "seen".

I managed to fold up my large piece of A1 size flip chart paper and stuff it into my handbag so I could hide it if I wanted but eventually made myself take it out. I think my T was quite surprised that I'd taken the initiative in this way and it ended up being a very helpful session. I think she somehow 'got' in a different way elements of my self and experience that I'd explained or hinted at in words but visually it really helped us connect.

Somewhat embarrassingly, I left my 'self' with her on the table in the room when I left and there was a slightly knowing humourous exchange about that. Back then I hadn't really fessed up to feeling like I wanted to take up residence in her pocket so it felt a little uncomfortable. But all in all, I'm very glad I took a bit of a risk.

My T knows I journal but she hasn't really ever suggested I read stuff out. She has always been very respectful of my autonomy though. Perhaps your T is cautious for similar reasons?

Anyway, the short version is yes, I absolutely get the trepidation but I think it could be a good thing for you to share some of your journal work with T.

(((HIC))) 's to you....it's been a while

I just wanted to say art in any form is about expression and therapy is also about expression. There is no right or wrong when it comes to expression. When you go to therapy your T doesn't compare you to another client - there is no competition going on. Bring in your art. Don't see it as a competition see it only as expression, and let the two worlds meet.

Oh, and for the record have you ever seen Picasso's painting called "Owl". You should do yourself a favour and Google it - trust me an 8 year old could do it, but whose laughing because it's worth a fortune. So even if an 8 year old can do your work it makes no difference, because it's your expression, and you did it, and that is all that counts.

B2W

(((HIC)))

So... my personal experience: I am not an artist, but I like doing "artistic" journaling, and draw things, which often look quite childish but are representations of my inner world.
At some point I really hesitated about bringing them up in therapy, as it was often about things I would not know how to talk about, or even express in words. My main problem was that I felt it was terribly arrogant to bring those childish drawings. But I did bring them.

And it was a good choice: a) my T, who is someone kind and caring and also not a pure monster and therefore won't tell anyone "this is just an ugly 8 year old painting", reacted by paying attention to it, and I tend to think that this is a "normal" therapist reaction... ? b) and it was a great material to be able to broach/express new subjects, even if... I rushed through some of it, because I felt so self-conscious, I have to admit^^

So... I don't think your T is going to judge you, on the contrary, you found a way to express yourself, isn't it what therapy is about? As for why she didn't ask to see the journal... I can only speculate about it, but: maybe she doesn't want to intrude on what is a private space? And, depending on how she works, she might prefer working only with the now/spoken word (but this is something most of them are open to discuss, so... it is fine to bring it up, before you show your pictures, if it feels safer for you?)

Good luck

I want to send big hugs to everyone who posted here, for the vulnerability of sharing your stories and ideas. They were an honor to read and very helpful to me today.

(((everyone)))



I didn't end up bringing in the journal today because, well. . . my session was cancelled. An hour and a half before it should have started. This normally sends me into a tail spin but since I was feeling so hesitant about things anyway I didn't half mind it this time! (Incidentally, if this was a romantic relationship or even just a friendship I would have dumped T ages ago for this recurrent behavior, but-- another subject for another thread.)

Anyway, back to the journal. Strangely, I'm not super self conscious about the journal itself. H has seen it (not that he's allowed to flip through it at whim, assuming he ever would be taken by such a whim which I highly doubt, but I've shown him individual pages). I also have a friend that is into the same kind of thing and I've shown her some of it. And once I accidentally left it lying on the table when my daughter's teenage babysitter came over. I noticed her gazing in some puzzlement at the open page, and I just laughed and told her "Oh, that's kind of for stress relief." And she replied. . . "That's probably a good thing." It was open to an "angry" page, lol, that was also unfinished. But I flipped back and showed her a prettier, more relaxed page that was also finished and she said she liked it. Of course what else was she going to say, but anyway.

All of this is to say, I'm not so much afraid of T seeing the journal, or even of her thinking it's "bad" art, as I fear incurring her scorn for spending my time this way and furthermore thinking it's worth putting attention on in therapy. Does that make sense? I don't think it has much value on an artistic level, so if she agrees with me there it's fine. . . but I do value it as part of my journey to self, if you will, and if she is dismissive of it on that level I do know I will be very hurt. Just being honest there.

I think. . . I will bring it Wednesday (we rescheduled) and leave it in the car. I'll test the waters by introducing the idea first, and if talking about it goes well I can run out and get it.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

P.S. B2W-- it is great to see you back! I've missed you and wondered how you were.

Hi HIC,

As I've already posted elsewhere on here, both li'l one and I have done about 100 drawings/paintings and have given them to T for safe keeping. Depending on how we're feeling and who wants to draw, we do them in pen, crayon, or paints, with/without a ruler, etc.. Once we're done, we write on the back of each of them, the date, the thought or idea behind it, what our feelings are and whether or not we like it.

When we take them in to T, she looks at them, reads what we wrote and then gives her thoughts on them. Sometimes, she'll point out things we hadn't even thought of.

We find it really helpful. We entrusted them to T because there have been times I don't trust myself to keep them and not tear them up. I even gave her permission to use them when she conducts training sessions for rape counsellors.

Whenever we "see" an image in our minds, we sometimes can't wait to get it on paper but without using filters. Once we're done, it feels soooo good. It doesn't matter what it looks like. When li'l one is drawing, she uses crayons. When Big Kid is drawing, I use pens or paints...we're creative. We sometimes even use different objects from around the house to creat different paint patterns, like a fork! Those turn out really cool! Once, we just squirted small blobs of different coloured paints and ran marbles thru them all around the sheet - ultra nifty!!!

Anyway, that's been our experience when using art as part of therapy. Don't be afraid and let whatever creativity you have shine thru. You may be surprised - we were!!!

The Kid

Hey Kid and li'l one,

I was hoping you two would weigh in here. I love hearing about how this works in your therapy. I have a couple questions, if you don't mind. Who initially brought up the idea of bringing art into your therapy, you or your T? How was it introduced? Does your T identify as an art therapist?

Just curious. Still wondering how I will bring this up, if I do, and what I might reasonably expect from T. Of course I know they are all different. . . . I think it's neat this has worked out so well for you. I'm kind of toying with the idea of finding a "real" art therapist to work with; I'm in one of those in between stages where I'm not sure where I'm going with T.

Hi Held,

You've already gotten a lot of great input. My first reaction to this question about bringing in artwork was: OMG! T's eat that "stuff" up!!! Anything that is an expression of you is great!

My experience in bringing in my own work was that it was a natural extension of who I was so I thought it would be helpful. It was a bit scary because I was afraid of judgment but I got over that because the healing that came from it and my ability to express what I really wanted to say came so much easier in my writing than expressing it on the spot in the session.

For the record, my T said he would treat the material I brought in the way he would treat any material from the unconscious: dreams, fantasies, etc.

I think it is a great avenue for expressing things you may not have the words to express. I write mostly but also draw. I can't tell you how many things I've written where words just are not enough. Words are so limited. Colors, images, music can tell stories and feelings sometimes that words cannot.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Hi HIC...no problem - ask away!

While it was time ago when I began, she just asked one day if I were to draw what li'l one was feeling, what would it look like. She offered some crayons and some paper, but I couldn't do it while in front of her. So, she said give it a try between sessions and then bring them in for both of us to look at. She's not an art therapist but offers some great feedback/insight about what she sees in them.

At first, I only used to draw with pens and a straight edge and only in black and red. As time went on, I began using other colours but still with a ruler. Then, one day I didn't want to keep all the lines straight, so drew freehand. That was a major, major change for me. Then I used markers and pens together, then crayons and lastly, paint. When I'd bring the assortment in, we laid them out on the floor. By doing that, I was able to see how much I had evolved in my drawings...and my feelings. It was such an "ah ha" moment for me. She didn't say one word and then she smiled. I was finally able to see the progress I was making and it was of my own making!! I can't tell you how good it made me feel to have her witness this with me.

Not sure if I answered your questions adequately but I hope this helps.

I really encourage you to give it a try. Yes, it'll most likely feel very awkward at first but once the creative juices start flowing that you didn't know you had, you'll fill up sheet after sheet!

The Kid

((DpBluSee) ((Kid and li'l one))

Thanks for the additional encouragement and support. You are right, DpBlu, the journal is a natural extension of who I am so bringing it in felt right in the end, if a bit scary.

Kid, I loved reading about how your pages have evolved! That was so neat and made me smile. Sounds like you are doing fabulous work with your T.

Okay, so. . . I brought the journal with me last night to my session. I started talking about it, how I use it and why I use it and what it means to me, and T was listening and just being very T-like. It felt just-- ordinary and honest talking about it, not awkward or scary. I explained to her about how I thought looking at the pages, one recent one in particular, might be a good spring board into discussing where I'm at now. She agreed with me about that, but didn't really offer any encouragement otherwise. She did talk in general terms about the benefits of that kind of processing.

So I sat stalling and making random conversation for a bit, then said:

Me: Do you think I'm stalling?
T: No. Are you stalling?
Me: Yes
T: Oh
Me: I'm waiting for you to say something like, "Of course I'm interested and would like to see them."
T: Well, of course I'm interested and would like to see them! I was waiting for you to feel comfortable to bring them out.
Me (exasperated): How was I ever supposed to feel comfortable if you didn't express the slightest amount of interest?
T: Do you remember what we talked about, about expectations?
Me: Fine time to go all blank slate-y on me.
T *blinks*

Haha, so that might not sound like the friendliest, most gracious exchange but it was in a bantering style and somehow did clear the air. We were both laughing, which always feels good. I pulled out the journal right after that. T moved next to me on the couch and it was all pretty cozy. I flipped through the whole thing and stopped and talked at maybe five or six significant pages. T did seem interested and was not in the least nasty or mocking as I feared. She didn't really make any elaborate off the cuff interpretations either, as I had half hoped, but that was okay. It was very low key. She mostly listened while I explained things and when I was done she asked if she could flip through it again. Of course I said yes and handed it over. She turned the pages more slowly than I had, offered some comments and asked several questions. She thanked me for bringing it in.

It was neither terrifying nor earth shaking (more companionable and okay), but I think it was good, primarily because it made *me* feel more opened up, and the second half of our session was more productive than usual. It made a difference.

I don't know that it was anything T said or did, so much as the quality of her being, but I feel more inclined to continue with this and to bring things into session.

In other news, we did talk about ending eventually, or at least gradually winding down. I mentioned my goal of being down to once a month by the start of 2014. She said she thought that was very reasonable. So at least that's on the table as something we are working towards. So far, so good.

Thanks again to my wonderful friends and peoples here.

Hi HIC...oh, I so hope you continue! It's an outlet I didn't expect to have and I've learned so much from what I've drawn. When I get the urge to draw, it's because I see an image in my mind. But sometimes when I go to put medium to paper, it can turn totally different. I'll even make note of that fact on the back, should it happen that way. Then, I question why I used a certain colours or why I drew curves and circles instead of straight lines or boxes. What do these shapes represent to you feelings wise. The possibilities are endless! I'm getting excited for you even as I write this, dontchaknow!

Before li'l one went back into hiding because of Mudd and the most recent disastrous phone call with my parents, she actually made a wedding card for T. She did it in crayon and on the inside, we drew pictures of our favourite things. This included a huge toy box. In some of my previous art work, I only ever drew or painted one with the lid partly open and the inside coloured in blood red. The way li'l one felt inside. Well, for her wedding card, we drew marbles, balls, pick up sticks Spirograph, stuff like that...and the toy box lid was open! Well, you would have thought we gave T a million dollars when she read it and discovered we trusted her enough to let her see what was inside!!!

Anyway, all that's to say I think it's great you want to continue. It really helps me, especially when I go thru different phases. You get to lay them out and see for yourself how things evolved.

Very healing, I think.

The Kid