I see two T’s right now. One primary T and also horse therapy one.

My primary T knows about my trauma history - especially the part related to trauma by persons in a position of power and trust when I was young and then as an adult (jerk is in prision) - and we were talking about it at my last session. We rarely talk about the details of this part of my past trauma. She always waits for me to bring it up. It helps a lot that she doesn‘t push - because in a way, she is another person in a position of power, authority and trust. She gets that it helps a lot if she's super gentle and non-pushy about this subject.

The horse T knows I have complex PTSD and have experienced abuse by people in position of power and trust. She doesn’t know more details than that, and she says she doesn’t need to know. She said I can tell her things as I am ready to do so, and if I need to. It's ok if I do, that would be helpful, and it's ok if I don't. She also knows that my primary T does know “all the gory details." My main goal with equine therapy right now is just to be more present with my feelings, slow down, and manage them better and learn to let myself feel different things when in relationship with horses, and people too.

My last session of equine therapy, something came up that sorta struck me very deeply. It's a pretty simple and small matter, yet I'm feeling a lot of very intense shame that I want to tell the equine T about it.

Here's what came up: The horse T said it’s hard when people have trauma for them to feel present in their bodies and to feel ok to say what they like and don’t like. (this is true for me when it's a matter of just limkeing something better. I have no problem saying no or back off when serious boundaries are crossed. But most of life isn't about that.) Anyhow, the horse T and I were talking about that and the T said that for whatever reason, the horses respond “remarkably clingy to you.” She said they will tend to be much closer, even follow me around, quickly become attached and seek my attention, and even become protective of me, much more than they usually are with most who are around them (even other clients working through trauma.) She doesn’t know why - that’s just the way they tend to be with me time and time again. I got conerned I was doing something wrong (just my default thing to do). She reminded me, it's ok that the horses respond to me that way. It doesn't mean something is unusally wrong with me. She said it actually may mean something really good about me - the horses clearly feel safe around me. That made me feel better. Like I wasn't doing something unconsious that was wrong.

It led to exploring how I felt about the horses, and where do I like the horse to be in relation to me, and how to ask a horse to be further away or closer (physically). Not just what do the horses apparently like to do, but what do I like. I struggled to even figure out what I liked! So we experimented with how does it feel when they are really close and I “let“ the horse follow me closely around. We experimented with how does it feel when they are far away, and lots of places in between. It was really cool for me to just feel what all those places felt like for me in my body and my emotions about it, not judge myself and find what I liked the most in that moment. (and the horses are super responsive and so non-judgmental about it all.)

At the end, the T said next time she wanted to ask me “where do I like her standing in relation to me?” She said she wanted to explore that. Inside the ring, outside, by my side, further away... I dunno if I'm ready for that. It seems so simple and yet it scares me to let myself feel where I like/prefer her to stand with me when we work with the horses.

I do I want to tell her it’s so hard for me to be one-on-one with any T, and yet with her, it has been really ok in a way that I‘ve never experienced before. I’ve not been triggered in a PTSD-ish creeped out way for me to be one-on-one with her. (that usually happens in the first session.) Because of some of the nature of the trauma I dealt with from a young age, it’s really really hard for me to feel ok with ANY medical or mental health professional one-one-one. Yet this T has stood next to me, walked side by side, stood on the other side of a horse, or on the outside of a ring/pen/pasture, or close to show me how to put on a tricky halter - all of it has felt ok. like not intensely ok, just ok. like ok in the way I feel with non-T people. I’m not sure what I “prefer” or “like” the best, but I’m not scared of any of it. I actually find it comforting to have her be in various places and yet always be able to easily connect back with her, visually, verbally, or even walk back to where she is. She almost is naturally a “secure base” that I use to explore working with the horses.

I think the fact that every session is outside, around a bunch of horses helps a lot. I also think the way she becomes so quickly attuned to where I am at and sensitive to it helps a lot too. She also doesn’t push and doesn’t judge me - a lot like how the horses are. I don’t really get it and it kinda freaks me out if I think of it for too long. I kinda worry I am idealizing her, but the thing is, I generally don't have intense feelings about her and she's not perfect by any means.

I like that I can feel ok with my T and I want to hold on to that. It just feels very non-intense and ok.

But when I think of telling her this, then I feel a lot of shame about it - but I think that shame is just trying to protect me from risking getting hurt?

I want to tell my T that “I don’t do well with being one-on-one with a T. but for whatever reason, it’s working here. This is cool.” But I am super scared to tell her just that. Which makes me feel really stupid and foolish even more...

I dunno. Does this sound really silly to be so scared or nervous or ashamed to want to tell her that?

p.s. edited just to take out an inconseqential detail, just to keep private.