Athenacus I can so relate to you. I am trying to learn how to set boundaries and also assert myself. I set some boundaries with my Mom not to long ago and I still feel strong guilt about it. I think it has more to do with shame than guilt though maybe.

I worked/working on it with my husband as well and mine does come off very aggressive according to him. I don't mean it that way. I hate asking for what I need so when I try I feel that what I am asking for is to much and I get angry at myself for needing/wanting that and then it comes out as anger towards whoever I am speaking with. I usually wind up apologizing for needing or wanting anything. This is something my T and I have gone round and round with and maybe one day I will see I don't need to apologize but I just hate hurting anyone, even if it means I am hurt.

What you did and asked for was not to much at all. Sometimes we just need those days to ourselves. Family (at least mine) is great about making you feel guilty for doing something for yourself. Especially if you have never done it in the past.

I am on this journey with you so you are not alone in this!!

(((ATHENACUS)))

I don't know if it works this way for everyone or just me but when I am assertive now, it comes spontaneously. It's as if the block that was there is gone and my ability to speak is connected to my feelings. In that way, it comes out from my point of view, which is a "I need time to rest" sort of thing instead of "you are being too x, y, or z. "" Does that make sense?

I don't know if it's just that I've worked through some of the issues that were preventing me from feeling entitled to my own feelings that has allowed me to be more upfront about my needs? As well as working through the guilt that I felt about asserting my needs? Probably a combination of everything.

I'm right there with you! Thank you for sharing your story and struggle with it too!

I wish you the best. I will continue to work on it, but with more practice in tone and the words I'm using.
I miss going to therapy. Due to my schedule and T's schedule, I might not see her until mid/late September.

Liese-Yes, the "I" statements I need to work on too. Although, in this last scenario over the weekend, I'm pretty sure I used some "I" statements such as, "I don't feel well, I have PMS and I feel like crap, I can't handle this today, and I'm going to snap, if I have to deal with a day trip today."
I was still told by a family member this wasn't normal and I shouldn't have that strong of reaction to PMS.
Some underlying messages probably came through in my tone such as...I can't stand being with you people today, so get off my back...I'm not going.
The indirect message I received in my family member's message back to me was...there is something going on with you...you are not acting normally, which to me means...not going along with what everyone else is doing and staying silent.
I didn't get the day to myself seeing as I live with my family and they ended up not going on the day trip and pouted instead with an anxiousness in the air (in the household). I did get some chores done and sat and read for a bit by myself. I ended up waking up in the middle of that night with a bad panic attack.
I'll have to tell T about that whenever I get back to therapy.

Ok...gotta go take my daughter shopping for some items on my day off....
Thanks again!

I think you did well and said what you needed. Family members etc. may well think it's not ok for you to put yourself first - but at times, that is the right thing to do.

I guess assertive statements are about ourselves and said calmly (with a smile, inside if not outside). Aggressive statements are attacks, said in anger (and with a virtual or otherwise grimace). Sorry, I'm not coming, I'm not up to it - is a calm statement about yourself! Well done!!!

sb

Yeah, my statements were done more out of frustration, annoyance, and anxiety. I didn't do it as calmly as I could have. I'm pretty sure I didn't have a smile (it would have been very fake if I did) and I don't know if I grimaced.

(((Athenacus)))

Good on you for practising this.

I don't know anything about your abuse history or if it included family members or not - but it struck me reading how you felt guilty the next day and how it didn't 'feel normal' that it would be 'normal' to feel it's not normal if you are doing something new (being assertive).

It's also quite likely those around you, if they are not healthy themselves (ie if there is disfunction in your family) that any attempts you make to change will be met with backlash.

'People pleasing' has a cycle of its own - there is a pattern and a usual response between families with which it happens within. Ie - you feel y need to do x y z; family members around you rely on YOUR GUILT to 'make' you do x y z. Perhaps they say things, put you down, leave you feeling 'less than' to 'make sure' you do x y z.

If that's the case, then you deciding to be assertive will definitely ruffle some feathers!

I wasn't there with you when you were being assertive - but from what you've shared about the conversation it doesn't seem to be too aggressive to me. As you said, you were feeling frustrated, and you expressed that. Unless you screamed a use / name calling and hit out at them, it doesn't seem to me you were overly aggressive.

Perhaps it FELT that way to you because you were doing something new. Rung new ways of being / behaving WILL feel 'strange' and 'uncomfortable' but that doesn't mean it's 'wrong'

I can so relate. My T and I were discussing something similar. A suggestion from her was to use simple I statements and that I don't need to give a huge explanation. In my family, I can never meet their needs and any extra words just get them upset because I am trying to break out of the enmeshment of the family. They don't like this. For me what I would have tried is this:

I am not feeling well and need a quiet day at home. Enjoy your day trip and I'll see you when you are back.

However, I am so new at this myself that I don't know if I could have pulled it off. But, T suggested I start with small statements of my truth that cannot be seen as judgment of them or me. And, who can argue with I don't feel well and need a day at home.

Thank you all for the feedback and support!


Rebuilding Me-yup, my T also told me that I don't need to do an explanation. Enmeshment-yes, to that too. I was trying to do something other than going on a family trip and I was feeling almost guilted into it, but I stood up and said that I didn't feel well. I felt guilty after that though. There was another member of the family who was almost guilted into being the driver, but he didn't want to go either, so I think that is the main reason they all didn't go. My family is the type that we have to do things as one big conglomerate and if you choose to do something else you will get harassed or guilted. It's strange.