Yes, I struggle with this.

I never know if I am just not being assertive enough with my needs or direct enough with what I'm experiencing or if my T has boundaries that he just doesn't label clearly, because I will do anything to avoid violating/invading if I know they are there and he wants me to have a normal experience of bumping up against boundaries and it not meaning rejection/abandonment/emotional death...

I'm not sure I've helped much here.

Yaku,

Just nice to know that someone struggles with this too!

I struggle with this too. I won't ask a questionn if I don't think the person will say yes, like there is something wrong with me and the question if the person says no. With my T it shows up a lot in email or phone communication, the conversations we've had about touch. I've approached topics generally because I don't want to say I want this and hear him say no. Instead I try and hint and hope he offers something so I'm always left wondering if he didn't offer because he won't or if he doesn't get my hints or if I asked outright or explained properly if he would say yes. It is exhausting.

I also hate the worry about his feelings and therapy and if he's going to quit or if I'm going to quit or if I should or if I should find a new T endless possiblities nothing for sure.

I'm not helping I'm sure because I don't know what helps but I hear you.

To me it seems like his response about the email was a polite way of him setting boundaries. It seems like he doesn't want to open up the avenue to emailing by giving out his email address. I'm wondering if you had pressed the issue, he may have had to be firmer with you. How do you think you will feel if that ends up happening? I mean, do you feel capable of handling it or will it result in making you less likely to ask for what you want/need in the future?

Incogito, DF and LG,

I don't have his email. The second he said he wouldn't be reading his emails, I shut down completely. Now, I wish I had the presence of mind to ask, do you ever give it out? Is it just a form of communication that you would prefer not to do with me? I have a really hard time being assertive and I know it's much easier for me to write things down than to tell him. Maybe he doesn't want to give me that avenue. OR maybe he just doesn't give it to anyone. I will never know unless I ask.

I do have access to his private voicemail though. And, I have left messages for him on that maybe 4 times in the last 6 months and he never tells me not to do that. I call and cry and wimper and then he calls me back and I can't express myself in the same way but at least he knows how bad I get.

So, I was thinking that I could leave him a message on his voicemail but during office hours I would have to speak to his secretary and ask to get transferred. In which case, I COULD ask her if he's checking his voicemails over the vacation and then I would know whether or not he is.

I am really struggling a lot this week and it just feels like it would be so beneficial to leave a voicemail and tell him how rotten he was during our last session but NOT to expect a call back. Just to get it off my chest and then maybe I would stop crying and be able to let all this shit go for a couple of days and actually be able to function.

On the bright side, I did contact a trauma therapist in my area and I have an appointment with her on Friday. We spoke last night on the phone for about a half hour and I brought her up to speed as to where I am, that I am really just looking to bridge the gap before my therapist gets back. She was REALLY nice and told me to call her between now and Friday if I need to speak with her.

She told me that she doesn't like to steal clients but that she specializes in trauma and does EMDR. She also said that it's a lot different when you specialize in something vs. that it just pops up now and then in your practice. Not that she was saying my T is bad. She agreed with me, though, that for him to leave me for 11 days (3 - 4 times longer than I'm used to) when I'm used to seeing him twice a week was a little bit much and she said I was doing the right thing by reaching out and taking care of myself.

When I told her that he was very giggly during our last session, she said oh, he had one foot out the door already.

She also said that she can teach me some more tools to use to cope, whereas I am not so sure my T is teaching me any tools to cope right now when the emotions are overwhelming.

I've been feeling like I just want to disappear but just can't really seem to be able to make that happen. Like just become invisible.

I've been feeling a little confused because you all know I've been seeing him for 3 1/2 years. In the past month, twice he mentioned that he is committed to working with me. Just out of the blue. I was so touched that he said that and actually cried at home but couldn't bring the topic up to him during our session. I don't know what that means or how it differs from how he feels about his other clients. I did ask him why, though? or something like that, because I do remember him saying, because you fit the bill, you want to change. But I didn't ask what it meant. How it might change his behavior. And, so when he announced his vacation, I had a little fantasy going that it meant that he was committed to me and that we could have a phone session while he is on vacation because of where I am at in therapy and that I am so dependent upon him at this point in time. I actually caught this little fantasy before my last session and decided I should do some "reality checking". Is that what that is?

Anyway, so now I am like, what the heck? What IS he talking about that he is committed to me? Why say something if you are committed to all your clients? What difference does it make anyway?

He's also mentioned that I can do anything to do him and it would be okay. I can get mad at him, throw things at him, etc. I've been getting really mad at my kids lately and saying things I regret and FEEL like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. I expected him to validate that. Instead he said, I'm really happy with the direction you are moving in with the kids.

So I just keep asking myself. What do I want to do here? Would it make me feel better or worse to leave a message and then move on? Should I just hold it all in till Monday when I see him? What does he want me to do? What would please him? If I got angry and left him a voicemail? (I know pleasing him is not important but ....) If I respected his boundaries and left him alone while he was on vacation? My head is spinning and I don't know the "RIGHT" thing to do. What I really should be concerned with is helping myself and I should forget about what I think he wants me to do, right?

(((Liese)))

I know this is so painful but I can't really see you totally walking away from this right now. I think he means too much to you to just slam the door and walk away.

He will be back very soon. I hope that you can work this out with him and then decide if you want to leave him.

Jo

((((JO))))

Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. It's day by day now, minute by minute. That's all I can handle. I feel like the most pathetic human being that I can't seem to function without this man. This too will pass, I guess.

Liese,

I think maybe he is telling you that he is committed to you because he senses a need for reassurance? You yourself have said that you are feelign more dependent on him....which I think could stem from a need at this point in your life for more reassurance. I think he was sweet to tell you that. I don't think it holds a deeper hidden meaning, but simply means that he isn't going anywhere. He make be going on vacation and may not always be immediately available, but he IS committed to you.