Do not give up TAS. I have walked through it. It does get better. How do you feel about prayer?? Talking to God, pouring my heart out to Him has made me feel better... less alone.

(((TAS)))

Maybe instead of thinking about whether or not fighting is worth it and the battlefield is for you, you could find a measure relief by considering life through a different set of metaphors? ie life as a journey, a pilgrimage, a process of discovery, a river to float on, a cycle of seasons, something. . . Talking of battlefields expresses one aspect of reality, but focusing on that exclusively and literally (especially when you are feeling depressed) can be exhausting. I just wondered if shaking up your perspective could help a bit, at least for the moment.

Surely there is at least one thing or person that you find inspiring enough (or at least interesting enough) to live for? Maybe try focusing on that? It won't solve everything, but sometimes just a glimmer of hope is enough to help you through the darkest times.

Take care and stay safe. Will be thinking of you.

TAS,
I just said a prayer for you. Talk to God. He is listening. He loves you. You are beautiful to him and you are worth every breath you take. He doesn't want you to give up and you are not alone. Ever.
((((((TAS))))))

TAS - I think I have said so much of what you wrote to my T. The desire to be done, to not fight. When I do, he reminds me to rest, not in the way that gives up on life, but in the way of admitting and accepting that the circumstances, the pain from my past, etc. are just too big for me to face on my own. My T gets very spiritual, about God carrying him through and such, and that can be very hard for me to hear when the pain is overwhelming. I often tell him, "Yeah, well, I suck at that." But, knowing he is someone who has also been carried through deep pain helps me to wait for rescue. Sometimes that rescue is just being able to understand it IS too much, and in the past we were alone in circumstances no child should have to face, and taught we should have to face it without help. But, now we have others along side us who can validate rather than deny that it is too much, who can continue to be with us through our most painful moments, who will comfort and care through the pain rather than abandon us. Maybe if we find a way to let them, we will also find a way to learn that is what we ALWAYS deserved. I'm still trying to figure out how to rest and be carried. I don't want to fight for life anymore either...I just want to be able to actively live it.

Tas

((( TAS ))) it is exhausting. stay safe and know that it does get better.

and thoughts, one day at a time, very slowly and gently

(((TAS)))

quote:

Is it cowardly to stop fighting? Or is it bravery that recognizes the battlefield is not for them?

I don't think it's cowardly, Tas, but I'm pretty sure you have children. You are irreplaceable to them. No one could ever fill your shoes. You will find a way to manage the pain.

Thank you, to each of you, for your replies. I have been out of town, so I apologize for the late reply.

It means so much that you would take time to reply and encourage me during this situation.

All the best,
T.