It's quiet around here lately! I am hoping someone with more wisdom than myself will eventually find their way here, ninna. But its nice to meet you and I want to offer my support. Here is a cyber hug for you -- a weak substitute for the real thing, but better than nothing!

quote:

I wanted to scream to her to hug me, but I said nothing...I do not want to accept hugs, love, caring, but I wish them so painfully hard...

I don't know if it helps, but many of us (most?) have felt this dichotomy before. Can I ask why you don't want to ask? Is it because you feel you have no right? Or that your need for a hug is somehow bad or shameful? Or are you afraid your T will refuse?

quote:

When I am really down, she asks me if she can touch me...

Some people have had T's with a no-hugging policy, but in your case it sounds like your T is open to it. At the same time, she will not force it on you (if she did you would--and probably should--run) but she will wait as long as it takes for you to show you are ready to risk it. And that agony inside of you might go on for awhile because it takes time to feel safe enough to risk asking for our needs to be met. And then it might take some MORE time before you can relax enough to feel comfortable and not awkward about it. Try to be patient and kind to yourself. There is no reason to be ashamed at all. It is actually a sign of strength to be able to ask.

Hi Ninna,
I can relate to a lot of what you said and I too was sexually abused and exploited. Thankfully, over the past six months with a lot of difficult work, I believe that I am no long bound by shame.

It sounds to me like you T can sense your issues with touch. I think it would be totally okay for you to talk to here about not knowing how to respond appropriately. She understands where you're coming from.It might be easier for you to start by writing it down in advance of your appointment and then reading it. I do that a lot especially when I talk about the sensitive issues. I send you a big cyber hug too!

Hi ninna and welcome! For what it's worth, I'm sure it's fine to post on someone else's threads. A lot of us make "hey, I can relate to that" sort of posts when something someone else has said resonates with us. So, don't worry about posting a new topic or about posting on someone else's topic. Sharing with others who are in the same process is the point of forums like these.

quote:

So during growing up I didn't know exactly what hugs are, what petting is and so one...I was extremely embaressed when someone hugged me, because I didn't know, how long to hug someone or how thight, I really didn't want to make a mistake in hugging...Yea I know, weird... Still I have problems with this...I like being touched by my T or I would really like to be hugged...I do want this, I do wanna be loved...It feels good, but In my mind is a total chaos...I get overwhelmed, and consequently confused...

I don't know if you've seen my thread around here about this, but I can completely relate to this not feeling like you know how to receive or give affection properly, though desperately wanting that connection, physical contact with another human being. I feel like the only way I know how to be affectionate is as a romantic partner or as a parent. I do not know how to receive a comforting hug. I often want them, especially a couple specific parts, from my T and I can talk to him about those facts, but I can never ask for them in the moment they are needed. I think we're laying a lot of groundwork right now around what that means, what the boundaries are, the ways that it would be helpful, the confusing and painful feelings that come up around it, etc. He is still researching about what would be best for me as his client in terms of physical contact. It is slow going. We've been talking about it here and there, addressing it specifically and directly, for over a month now.

I really recommend you be up front with your therapist about these feelings. I found I had to write them and share the written journal with him first, many times, without directly asking for feedback. And then to write again and say that issue needs to be discussed. And then discuss it both on the phone (we do phone sessions once a week) and in person at our weekly office session. So, in reality, months of work have gone into getting us to the point of considering physical contact as a part of our work.

***TRIGGERS***
I do have some issues with sexual touch that cause problem, but most of them are in my adulthood. There were a couple in my pre-teens and teens and now I am finding out that it looks like there may have been a time in my childhood where bad stuff happened, in addition to known exposure to stuff.
***END TRIGGERS***

But, I find a lot more of my issues around physical touch in therapy is not necessarily the presence of unsafe touch, but the absence of safe touch during my life. Not being soothed, comforted, attended to in that way means I don't really know how to do so now. The only way I can conceptualize touch is either sexually or as a parent, nurturing my own child. My pastor's wife hugged me when I was in a lot of distress at an event yesterday and I wanted badly to be able to just go with it, embrace her back, and take it in, but I started dissociating very badly. I blanked out, went emotionally numb and just kind of retreated into myself until it was over, because I felt unable to receive the connection. It made me very sad. I'm afraid that might happen if and when T decides it's OK to hug or any other physical touch or when I'm willing to ask for the goodbye hug he has said is OK.

Anyway, the best thing I can recommend is just to be open and honest with your T about all angles of this topic for you. It sounds like you have a good T, who is both willing to offer that if it is helpful to you, and who asks, follows your cues and pacing. I think she will be able to understand and work with anything you have to say around touch and hugs and what it brings up for you. My T has been very compassionate, carefully considering what is professionally right and what he feels is best for me as his client. I bet yours will be the same. I know it's hard to talk about, but there is probably a lot of "content" there to process. I know there is for me.

Ninna,

I can relate to a lot of what you've written. There is something very scary about having a longing for hugs from someone,but if you allow yourself to act on those feelings, it can be so powerful and healing. I hope that you are able to get to a place where you feel comfortable asking your T for a hug. In the meantime,know that you are not alone in these confusing and scary feelings.

Dear all,

thank you, thank you, thank you so much. You gave me some good advise and I feel a little better. Yes, I know eventually I will have to talk about it with my T. I am gatthering my courage, but I am scared, for all the reasons that Mad Hatter wrote. Yes, I am afraid, that my T will say no. Yes I think needing the hug is shameful (I got the message from may parents that needing the hug is childish and not adult) and yes I feel I have no right. You see, a hug is a big deal for me, I appreciate it when I get one, it is a special thing...and in my head goes, who am I, asking for a hug? I am not worth it...And if my T would refuse I wouldn't go back there no more, and would see my T just one more person that disappointed me. I do not know, I am a mess right now, I am seeing my T next week after a 2 month break, due to my and her annual leave, so I am nervus wreck right now, and probably will be, until we see each other again.

Thank you for all your virtual hugs, they mean a lot, eventhough we don't know each other much!

Hi Ninna,
Welcome to the forums, I don't think I've had a chance to say hi yet! I'm still fighting with my energy level so I'm just going to post some links to older threads I think you might find helpful.

Define "Disorganized Attachment" please?

Update on Transference

I have more to say about asking for a hug (I did, the answer was no, but it turned out to be a major turning point) but I have to get to bed!

AG

Okay, here I am again...really frightened...scared...

I wasn't here much this month, due to vacations here...And my life is really hectic right now, moving to a different flat, etc...

After 2 months, I went to my T again...And transference and attachment stuff bothered me a lot. Didn't know how she feels about it...what she thinks about it...It is so so hard for me, because a lot of people, that I trusted, opened up to, went away form me...left me...abanndoned me...I hate when this things happen, so now I am scared, that she will leave me too...So I talked a little bit about that with her...That I am attached to her, and am frightened, that she will get annoyed by me, bored with me, won't care anymore...I am not in love with her, I just simply need her...And I am confused if this is right...I do trust her, she is great, she said, she is there for me, she touched me...I felt she was honest. I have this problem believing it...I don't want to make a mistake, or be pushy or sth like that...I just want her to hug me, to hold me a bit longer, as I would really like my mom would do for me and never did...Hugs are so big for me...really important...and really appreciated, so it is even harder to ask for it...I don't wanna hear a NO...

and another thing happened in last session, we were talking about men (I have problems with them- abuse, my father etc...)...so she asked if maybe i like women- she did ask this really carefully, like she wasn't applaying on anything...but made me anxious if i did sth wrong and that would make her think i'm feeling sth more for her and now I am even more afraid to ask her for a hug, to tell her i need her hug, because at the moment she is the only person I totally trust...Damn I am confused, and damn the therapies are hard...

Don't know what to do How to deal with it...don't want to loose anymore people

Hello ninna
I can relate to much of what you are talking about with attachment stuff as this is something my t and I have begun to explore very slowly. It is hard for those of us who were abandoned to believe that our t's are not going to do the same thing - I still think my t is going to leave me and we are gently working through these fears when they come and go. The only thing I have learnt is to keep talking to t about the attachment stuff as scary as it is because as t reminded me a few sessions back it is part of therapy and there are no feelings that she has not heard and that she is not willing to help me work through. It sounds like your t is very open to touch and to talking about attachment stuff. Be kind to yourself with these feelings and take your time with t when talking about it

Huh...thank you JMB...I am really happy that you replied so soon, now am a bit more clamed down about the issue...I was anxious, because it is a real probloem for me to talk about this stuff...

and...
I just now realised, the time of the forum, so when you have night, here is day, so now I understand why I am waiting for a replies for almost half of a day Gosh I really am freaking sensitive...

Hey Ninna- that's a nice name. I wonder if you had told your T that your mum never hugged you and stuff? That's a lot of pain you are carrying, with the dad stuff too. I think all of that would be really important information for a T to have, better to help you. I hope so much that you will be able to talk slowly, about all of this with her, and that you will feel calmer and less anxious about your attachment to her as a result. It sounds like you really need some TLC, and that is no wrong!

Sending you...a lot of cyber hugs (((((Ninna))))))

BB

BB...thank you so much!...Iam sending you hugs back and to everyone here...Please don't take me wrong, I just wondered what TLC means, that you mentioned in your post, because I am not familiar with all the abbreviations yet...

At the moment I really need a lot of support, because I am so so frightened...I did tell my T about my father and my mother...I acctually think, my T is really careful about touching me...because I get really overwhelmed about it...I desire the hugs, being loved, cared and touched...I feel great, but for me that means: well Ninna it is great that someone loves you, but you will get too attached and then she will leave you, and you will get hurt again..

I was let down by so many people that I truly cared about, that it is so hard for me to believe, she will not left me, that she speaks caring stuff because I do matter to her, and so on and on...

I am so scared, because I don't want to be abanndoned again...I have enough of it, really I do...It is just the thing that being loved, cared feels sooo good, but I just can't go with the flow and relax and enjoy it...I constantly think what a mistake I will make, and she will left me to...You see...I do want her to care about me, and wanna be loved by her (not in a sexual way),,,because that means I could then maybe trust also other persons (guys f.e.)...

My T told, that I will be the one, who will terminate our sessions, and she couldn't get bored or annoyed by me...but it is so hard to believe her...

Therapy is so hard...really is...


I know I am pain in the ass right know...repeating stuff...I just am in a stressed situation right now...and here I feel I won't be judged...

Thank you all, especially JMB and BB...!

Good morning from here, ninna
It is a positive thing that you told your t about your parents. I too come from a FOO (family of origin) where any display of emotion/affection was not given. So it could be that as open as your T is to touch, they want to go slowly with it bearing in mind what you have told them and will take your lead. My t has a no touch policy which I am fine with, but I do note that when she gets up to close the windows (when I am very dissociated, I get noise sensitive) or pass me a tissue she always says something to let me know what she is doing, so that I don't think she is going to do anything to me. I think from reading various posts here and from my own work with t, many t's know that issues around touch, caring are difficult and can be loaded with various meanings. It doesn't mean they don't care, I like to think of it in a positive way that someone is respecting my boundaries for the first time ever and treating me with respect by going at my pace. Please go slowly with yourself around this stuff, it takes time and practice to feel comfortable with t's - keep talking to your t about this kind of stuff.Not sure if any of this helps, go gently with yourself ninna

Hiya all...huh...need to make a little update...

I am stressed, due to my moving in another town, and leaving on business trip for few days-for the first time...

Having lots of problems, right now i feel shreaded in to pieces...Actually I imagine little cubes with legs and faces, runing around and representing me in parts...Like one cube for little sinaja that was sexually abused, another cube for little sinaja that is under pressure of her mother, next cube for little sinaja that is obesse and has problems with that...and so on and on...I don't feel that this cubes are me, I see them as I am out of my body, it is just easier that way, problem is that little me is screaming for my attention...Am I dissociative?

Thing is, that I am feeling much more secure with my T, so she found out a lot of things that happened to me in the past and effected me a lot...That is actually a good thing, but I am scared to death...still waiting for her to say goodbye, can't work with you, etc...

My T constantly asks me what i wish in therapy, what i wish could be done to feel me better, and my constant answer is: I don't know...I think I really don't...for two reasons, I mustn't wish for things, and if eventually I do wish sth, gets me in anxiety, beacause i think I wished to much...

Do you answer such questions?...What do you answer? She sensed that my I DON'T know is a bit angry...she asked me about that...And I wasn't angry at her, but at myself beacause i simply don't know the answer...

I also have problems with starting sessions...How do you start your sessions? I just never start on my own...Waiting for T to start with questions...

I hate this anxiety...really do...noncomplicated tihngs get so so complicated;(

Sending lots of hugs and sunshine to everybody!

Hiya ninna
Just logged on to see your update, I'm sorry that these things are still causing you to hurt. I find it very hard to answer questions like those that your t has asked you (mine does the same sort of thing) and I often say "I don't know" because sometimes I don't know how to receive things like her care, time etc (because I come from a background where I never had them,and I literally do not know what to do with them or what something is supposed to feel like when someone say does something nice for me)- also like you I question whether I am worth the trouble. T and I were kind of dancing around this whole issue a few weeks ago and when I said I don't know to something she offered, I actually said "I've never had that because if you have never had something you don't know what to do with it" (if that makes any sense at all?). It's something I still struggle with in t, it is an on-going process for me, so we started to and still talk around this topic. That's just my experience with t asking me similar ?'s to yours. Starting sessions is still a toughie for me so I can't really offer my experience there
Keep talking with t though

Thank you JMB! I will remember your responses forever...! I really appreciate them, yes I do struggle right now...a lot. And yes I have the sam problems as you do...

For both of us I wish, it will get easier...

Hugs!!!