Thank you, Consider the Lilies Yes, it IS a very slow process. Thank you for sharing your experience with me T.

Hello TAS

Hope that this is not too late, for me to add to your post and share something of my experience with attachment and the process.

I have been with T since Jan 2011 and have only very slowly begun to open up a tiny bit with words and also by writing. T spent the first year just trying to get to know me a bit before we talked/wrote about anything in my long past...she had patience, consistency and was constantly telling me she was in there for the long haul with me (stuff I am only just starting to believe a bit now). We are still working on our attachment even now and from what T and I have worked on and talk about attachment, it is a constant process of working out and on it..if they are worth anything your T will take there time and wait for you - take care
Pingu

Hi TAS

When I started therapy I didn't want a therapeutic relationship. I wanted to use and leverage my T as a distant set of tools - not be vulnerable or close, etc. I wanted to get in, do the work and get out - I thought attachment was not only pointless but had nothing to do with the work I had to do to get better and be done.

I've learned, over time, the biggest part of my healing and the work I had to do was actually in forming a bond. Not everyone needs an attachment to their T - plenty of people form a perfectly fine alliance with their T without the emotional intensity involved in insecure attachment styles. I've found what I least desired to be what I needed. So, as you asked in your other thread about trust, this is the same deal. It takes time, it's slow and there is no right or wrong way. If part of your work right now is forging a bond then maybe you will, I'd say 99% of the process (at least for me) has been just showing up or trying to show up as authentically as possible and seeing where it goes. I think a part of you has to on some level want to improve yourself and your situation and as long as that remains then let unfold what will and see what happens next.

No good work in therapy comes without substantial and terrifying risk

Hey there and welcome to the forum,

I would suggest maybe taking it slow and giving the relationship time and a chance to build. During my first several months of therapy I did a heck of a lot of talking about seemingly irrelevant stuff-- books, movies, pregnancy, babies, philosophy, religion, my friends, whatever. It was all interspersed with talk about my symptoms, progress, and goals, but we weren't going very deep. At one point I asked my T if she thought I was avoiding stuff by all the chatter about books etc, and she said that yes, she thought I was, but that was okay because it took time to establish trust and feel safe. And it has happened that I've gradually opened up more and more. I'm glad that she has been patient with me.

Incidentally, a couple weeks ago she informed me that one of the clients before me that morning had spent the entire session talking about reality shows. She said, "It was educational for me. I never knew very much about them before."

lol, so maybe it's not that unusual to beat around the bush a little bit in therapy. Perhaps some Ts push more than mine does, though, I don't know. But this is my experience for what it's worth.

Best of luck to you!

I agree. My T always said that it is through the relationship between her and I that I will learn to trust and will feel comfortable. I thought that was a crock of shit - but she was right. She also says very regularly that she is in it for the long haul - funny Pingers - that our T's used the same terminology.

My T doesn't care how long it takes. She said she will be boringly persistent and will be there for me. She says that we will both stuff up but we will discuss it and repair and we will learn and become closer together. She does a lot of little things that show me she cares. It is like she is doing 1000 things and it is up to me to slowly thaw out, look at those 1000 things and realise that she is genuine, she cares and she will be there. I can rely on her.

We seem to make a little progress and something happens that throws us right out. then we take it slowly and get back together and i then fight the attachment and trust for a month and then get back together.

We talk about our attachment and it is out in the open. I like talking about it - it was impossibly hard for me to show anger with her in the beginning. now after 9 months I can tell her I am angry and I am not (that) scared that she will get angry back or terminate me. I tell her that I am attached to her and that some weekends or days i think of her and that it was painful or whatever. She never waivers.

At the moment I am angry with her, disillusioned with myself, her and therapy and have so many things that I am blocked and resistant to talking about - I have told her this. I amlearning through our relationship that it is ok to feel a range of emotions and that my T can take it and she will be there for me. This builds trust that then builds attachment.

Believe me - it happens. You do have to let go and take a leap of faith - your T will catch you.
Somedays

Pingu, Catalyst, HeldInCompassion, Somedays: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.

Catalyst: I swear that was just like me. For the first few months, every week, I would ask: "How much longer? How many more sessions?" He would tell me he couldn't answer that. At first I thought he was incompetent. I have fought having any kind of attachment, so I know specifically what you mean when you talked about 'tools' and such.

Last session I told him how scared I was of forming any type of bond with him...and want to run.

I feel that I am in a catch 22. There was something that recently triggered me in such a horrible way that I am having trouble leaving that place. I am about to lose my family and all that I ever wanted because I can't get out of this place I am in.

I feel that my back is against the wall. I don't like being in that place, because I feel that I have no choice in going to Therapy. If I don't, I will walk away from my family. If I do stay in Therapy, I have to face 16 years of trauma that I don't know if I am ready to deal with.

I am being asked to bond and I don't do that. Everything I am runs contrary to that. So, I am my biggest hurdle.

Thank you for sharing, each and every one of you. I really appreciate it.

Thank you,
T.