I had a really connected session with my T today. I am sitting here feeling warm and held and I feel like I can hold onto the "feeling of him" which I have not been able to do for a long time. Lately, I have been kicking and pushing and trying to get away from him in fear that he will hurt me too. I am been denying that there is anything growing between us yet I know there is and maybe that is why I got so scared and started pushing.

On Saturday night had a scary dream about him. It was really only a fragment of a dream where he was in my house and told me he was very sleepy and had to sit on the couch and then I think he died there. I know that the dream was triggered by the death of a freind's family member suddenly and the fact that I worry very much about him because he smokes cigarettes and I hate that he does. I want him to live a long time. Yeah, I'm selfish.

When I told him the dream and part of what the trigger was he smiled and said that he had died many times in so many dreams. He asked for more detail but I was afraid to tell him I want him to stop smoking because I thought that would be crossing some stupid boundary and make him angry so I chickened out at that part. But he told me with a smile that this is another sign of my growing attachment to him.

So then we began discussing attachment and how I've been pushing him away. He knows I'm scared that he will hurt me. I told him it was less of an issue in the beginning and he asked me why and I said ... well I had less to lose in the beginning. I didn't much care what you thought of me. He agreed. Then he told me that by my allowing "our" attachment to develop and grow I would actually be "safer" with him because of that attachment. Because he would be more deeply invested in my healing and growth and would not hurt me. This attachment will protect me. He said that my pushing him away causes a different dynamic and that he will feel my detachment as a negative things (of course being aware of why and how of his own feelngs as a T). I'm pretty sure this is what he meant. What I took from this is that it's safer to allow the attachment and better for my healing. He asked me how it felt when I tried to attach to oldT and he detached and pushed me away. That really made me think. He said that T's are not exempt from feelings and that he was not at all afraid of my attachment or of his attachment to me.

We talked about why I developed this disorganized style of attachment... moving closer then wanting to run away in fear. How my parents behavior caused it and my oldT just reinforced it. He says that I can and want to attach at all makes him understand that I have a healthy core. And that I will get better again.

I then told him about how hard my mornings are and how I shake with fear and that I have to use certain ways to cope with this and he was very understanding. I told him of some childhood incidents which he immediately identified as abuse. And he said the shaking was a remnant of trauma. So I said yeah that's why oldT said I needed a trauma T and he wryly said that it would have helpful if I had had a T who could even SPELL trauma. He is not happy with my oldT!

So he told me that I needed to remember that the danger was in the past and that I was safe now. He didn't push me to think of him or use him as my attachment figure but he said if I could do that I would not have to be alone in the fear. That he would be with me. I looked at him and said, "you are really there?" And he softly replied, "yes, I am really here". It was a very powerful moment for me because I really did feel him with me. He said the scared little girl needs soothing and he will help me learn how to do that. He was so kind and gentle with me. I needed to see that side of him. At times he uses humor that can border on sarcastic and if the young part of me is out then I get really scared and shut down. But he didn't use it this time. He was serious and caring at that moment. I'm so glad he dropped the kidding.

Anyway he said that he would be there to protect me and allow the dependence until I learned to protect myself and at some point the relationship will change and I won't NEED him in this way any more but that we could still have a relationshp. He also told me that I am very smart and very very strong. He said he didn't know if he could have been as strong as I was to do what I did after the abandonment. To keep going, to see 5 other T's and to stick with him week after week. To just keep coming back.

I told him that I sorta knew I was developing the attachment to him but I would never admit it.

I told him it made me sad when he said I was so intelligent because it made me grieve what I could have been if I had any support or guidance. He said something like well now we will see what you can do. I said, I don't think I can do anythiing much at this point in my life and he said "you are already on your way to being a pretty good shrink" (he refers to himself as a shrink all the time) so now let's see what we can do. I took that as meaning that now I DO have guidance and support. And he told me that in this profession there is no retirement age. You can go as long as you can go and you want to go. That there is wisdom with age.

He gave me "homework" to practice tomorrow morning. Then he sort of recapped our session and told me we then had 5 minutes to go. He made me take notice of what he was doing so I would recognize it in the future. What he does is to bring me back "down" so I can go back to real life and this is my signal that time is close to ending. He wanted me to know he gave this some thought as I was struggling with the ending of the sessions. Just before this I had told him that I thought I couldn't take him with me because I had a hard time looking at him and that related back to child hood when I got hit or in trouble my mom would MAKE me look at her if I tried to look away. And so when my T would ask me to look at him I was afraid of what I would see there and sort of blanked him out. I told him that as a kid I learned to make it seem that I was looking at my mom but I didn't really "see" her. She thought I was complying but it was as if I was blind to her. I was so scared of my T I was doing the same thing and I lost a lot of his non verbals that were important for me to see.

So today before I left him I took a long look at him while I shook his hand and it seemed to allow me to take him away with me... until next time.

TN