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19 replies

Attachment, Fear, & my ill T

A autumnMember
Hi everyone,
I am new to this community, just found it a night or two ago. I am really glad that I found it as there are so many experiences that I can relate to. I am coming though with a question and a lot of pain around my relationship with my T both as a result of my attachement to her and as a result of her recent illness. This post will probably be a bit disjointed though - sorry about that.

So I have been in therapy for a couple of years now with my T. I have become so attached to her that it feels difficult for me to function for a few days after my session. The longing and yearning are so intense for me I feel that I can hardly cope. It's not getting better - I have mentioned it to my T but don't know how to work through it with her. She says that we can talk about it though I feel that she does not really know how to work with me around it. Part of me feels that I should just quit therapy to take away the grief that I experience om 'losing' my therapist every week. To help offset this pain, my T has has allowed me both e-mail and phone access outside of our scheduled sessions. The additional contact does not seem to always reduce my level of distress (sometimes it does) - sometimes it inflames it... leaving me feeling even more distressed that someone can actually hear me and respond to me.

I'm not quite sure of what to do - it seems too painful to be in therapy and too painful to quit therapy. I'd recently shared with my T that I was going to shift my sessions to every other week which would give me a week to recover somewhat before another cycle of extreme distress.

In the midst of trying to figure out how to negotiate tx, I received a call from my T's office this week saying that my T will be out of the office for the next couple of weeks because she is ill. This is really difficult. My T has a chronic illness and I fear for her health. I also fear that she will find me to be too much to work with and will tell me that she won't be able to work with me anymore because of her own health needs. This happened to me a number of years ago when I worked with another T that I was very attached to and who became ill with a chronic illness and told me that I needed more than what she could give, so she dropped me. I was absolutely devastated. I am afraid of losing this T. I find myself trying to be a 'good' client. While she is out, I will not e-mail her even though she passed along a message through her colleague that I could contact her via e-mail. The last thing I'm sure she needs to aid her recovery is a needy, crisis ridden client.

Yesterday I went to my T's office to drop of a bouquet of flowers and a get well card for her. I thought that being at her office would make me feel comforted and remind me of her presence. It felt empty and sterile even though her secretary and colleague were there. She was missing and I really miss her.

So I guess I just have to go through it? I thought more people would understand here than if I were to touch base with her colleague. My T's colleague called me the other night at the request of my T to check-in with me. I really appreciated it & it made me feel cared for. I didn't think though that there was any way in the world that I could describe to her the depth of pain I feel around my T's absence. What was I to say? I have decided to give her (the colleague) a call next week to see how my T is doing.

So this is where I am... just wondering how does everyone deal with a sick T? And also, I know this question has been put out there before, but has anyone been successful in walking through deep attachment/transference issues with their T?
Original Post

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A autumnMember
Thank you so much for replying to my post Summer. I really appreciate it. I am sorry to hear though that you have experienced the loss of your P due to illness. That too must have been very painful for you. It is very hard for a T/P to disappear and not have contact and proper closure.

I am very close to my T and she has been very open and upfront about her illness from the beginning. I believe she has been so direct particulary with me because she knows about the previous experience that I with my former T and the devastation that it had on my life. Her honesty and directness has been very helpful in alleviating the fear that she would simply disappear. I am grateful of her approach and am aware that she does not disclose her illness to all of her clients.

I think a piece of what has made this situation particularly difficult for me is that I was contacted by her secretary and told that she was going to be out for an extended period. I think that was alarming because in the past, she would let me know directly - it's led me to believe that the situation is serious and that she needed immediate medical attention. I have felt like I was impinging on boundaries to ask what happened. Her colleague has been more open in sharing what is going on... which has simultaneously relieved and heightened my worry and distress.

You have though encouraged me to drop her a little e-mail to let her know that I am thinking about her and am wishing her well. In thinking about it, I actually don't think that she experiences me as an unbearably demanding client (this is more of my perception of myself).

In the meantime, I see that I need to figure out a way to simply be with the grief that I am experiencing - it physically feels like a massive truck sitting on my chest.
L lieseMember
Hi Autumn,

Nice to meet you. I am sorry about your T's illness. She sounds really caring. I hope she gets better soon.

I haven't worked through the transference yet but I had the same experience you did upon leaving therapy each week. The pain of separation was really hard for me. (We think I have a part that is stuck in the separation cry.) What helped was to see my T twice a week. It actually helped a lot.

I know your T is sick now and you can't see her at all but I was wondering if that was an option for you when you resume therapy with her.

It's great that you understand that the email and phone contact doesn't always help and sometimes hurts. I find that too. In fact, just yesterday.

I don't have email or texting privileges but my T is available by phone. I try not to call too much unless I really have to and find that knowing I'm going to see him twice a week is really helpful. So much better than stressing about whether or not I should call and will he call back and when.

Hope you are hanging in there.

Liese
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Autumn,

Welcome Welcome to the forums. I am sorry that your therapist is ill and you can't see her for a while, planned absences are bad enough, but I would have found this situation quite difficult also.

I know this will sound counter-intuitive but I think you should take advantage of the contact your T has offered, with herself and her colleague. The intense feelings you're having about your T are more than likely, unmet needs from when you were a child. That's where the intensity is probably coming from, because when we are children our needs for our caregivers are a life and death issue. We need to stay close to them to receive the care we need or we die. So this need for her is answering something deep and primitive within you, so a short email in which you can make contact and experience her being there will actually allow you to be calmer in the long run. If you try to "tough it out" you may destablize to the point where you need a lot more help. So actually the best thing you can do for your T is to actually contact her on a regular basis so that you don't end up in crisis. It's easier to answer a short email or do a short phone call periodically than to be faced with a client in serious crisis. Taking care of you is taking care of your T at this point.

I have pretty much worked through the attachment feelings (I say pretty much because although I've stopped going to therapy regularly, I can still see my T and do run into stuff here and there). I don't have a lot of time right now, but I've written about a lot of my healing both on this forum and in my blog. You could do a search on my threads here on the forum. I think my blog post Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You're Crazy and your Not might be pretty helpful. I do want to make clear that these are my experiences and may or may not prove helpful, as I think each person has a unique path to healing, but sometimes it can help to hear how someone else got through.

I'm glad you're here to get support, I hope we can help you get through this.

AG
ButterflyButterflyMember
Hi Autumn,

Nice to meet you. Reading your post reminded me of the relationship i used to have with my T. I struggled with my attachment and it only ended because she left practice. Before I left someone else who knew my t told me of an illness my T had battled recently and I found it really hard to cope with and worried a lot.

I agree with other responses that if she has said you can contact her, take her up on the offer. I am sure she will be pleased to hear from you and hopefully it can give you some piece of mind.

I'm sorry that you are having to experience this.

Butterfly
A autumnMember
Liese, Summer, AG and Butterfly,
Thank you so much for responding to my post. I really appreciate it as your support, suggestions and shared experience have been of immense help. I am feeling quite overwhelmed now. I have been thinking that I need to be talking to people IRL, but am hesitant to speak with my friends and family as I feel the intensity of what I am feeling will fall so far short of what I can convey or what they could relate to. I will make a call to my T's colleague tomorrow. I hope that my conversation with her will in someway relieve this distress.

Liese - thanks for your support and sharing your experience of seeing your T 2x per week. I wish that was an option for me, as I had done so with my previous T. Unfortunately due to my T's lack of additional availability and my financial restraints, I am unable to do so. When she does return, I may explore with her some other options.

Summer - thanks again for your support. I am glad that your new T is helping to lessen the anxiety of the unexpected departure of your previous P. I imagine that regardless of the reason for his departure, the fact that it was unexpected has been just as painful.

AG - thanks a lot! I read though your article on your blog - it was wonderful and very helpful. It was nice to have a framework that I could relate to that elucidates my felt experience. What a great blog! I hear you though around checking in with briefly checking in with my T to avoid getting totally destabilized. That makes a lot of sense.

Butterfly - Nice to meet you too! Thanks for your support. I am sorry that you too have experienced a pre-mature ending to your relationship with your T.

So thanks again everybody. The support that I have been receiving here is wonderful. I so appreciate it and hope to be able to return it in kind.
A autumnMember
Thank you effed for your support and encouragement.

I emailed T this morning. I felt good about doing it - I was able to tell her that I was very concerned about her and that I was inquiring about her health and sending out good healing energy for her recovery and that I was really missing her. I also told her that I was taking care of myself by joining a new online community (this community) and would be checking in with her colleague. My T emailed me back within an hour of my sending my e-mail.

I feel very panicked inside by her reply. She has told me that it is a difficult time for her and that she had been hospitalized but is out of the hospital now though it will take her awhile to recover. This is very frightening. I don't think that she is okay - the doctors still do not know what is going on. I have to do my best to hold everything together. I don't know when she will be back and it sounds like she does not know either. It feels very panicky inside for me. I am VERY attached to her.

There is one thing that is very comforting for me. It is a little odd, and maybe questionable to some, but my T never took me off of her Skype account when I had an online session with her awhile back when she was out of the region. She has not blocked me from her account so I often see when she is online. It makes me feel comforted, just knowing that she is there. She is well aware that I am there as well for she mentioned in her e-mail that she'd sent me an IM on Skype to thank me for the flowers I'd sent. So this feels like a tiny piece of comfort and consolation to me. I figure as she gets stronger she will probably be spending less time online so when I see her visiting skype less frequently, I will equate it as a good sign that she is doing better. In the meantime, just knowing that she is there offers me comfort.

Thanks for listening. I am working very hard to keep myself centered and not spin out.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Autumn,
I really glad you contacted your T and that Skype is helping you keep that sense of connection. I would be really scared about a hospital stay, but at least you know that she is getting good care and that she is being so responsive. It's hard not to be scared when someone we care about so much is sick, but it's going to be ok.

You're doing a really good job and staying focused and calm considering the circumstances. Please keep coming hear and talking about it as much as you need to, it can often help to know that other people understand. Hang in there.



AG
A autumnMember
Thanks AG, I really appreciate your support. This community has been so wonderful - it seems like I just dropped in from out of the sky and people have really been here to respond to me, as a stranger. I can't tell everybody how much I appreciate that. I will have to work hard to get a bit more centered so that I can be more responsive to others. Thank you.

I am having a really difficult time. I'd planned yesterday to give my T's colleague a call today. Last night I wrote out what I was going to say because I do much much better in writing than I do over the phone - over the phone I sound fine even when I am not. So what I did was give her a call and read out what I wrote. I don't really know her colleague well and I somehow feel a bit worse after talking with her. She told me in much more detail how my T is doing which is good - it decreased my anxiety some. She also encouraged me to get in touch with her which I told her I'd already done. I shared with her how distressed I am feeling and would not communicate that with my T at this juncture. She didn't say this and I know it is totally me, but somehow I am feeling that she thinks that I should not be talking with her but my T. I got this impression when she said that if there were things that I was not comfortable telling her then maybe I should tell me T. I feel a bit stupid calling her and telling her how distressed I am. I feel like maybe I sounded a bit retarded and dramatic. The whole point of my calling her was to get support for myself whilst giving my T time to heal without having to deal with my needs. I asked this colleague if I could e-mail her 2x per week. It felt like it was a step towards asking for what I need... but somehow it leaves me feeling badly too.
So I need to figure out why I feel so badly. I think its because I feel like I shouldn't have called her. I feel exposed and like she really didn't get how attached I am to my T and that maybe she thinks I shouldn't be contacting her but my T instead. That is my interpretation and I have to recognize in my current mindset, it may be way off.
ButterflyButterflyMember
Hi Autumn,

I am sorry that your T's colleague made you feel like you shouldn't be telling her how you are feeling at the moment. That must be very hard and I can understand you wanting to protect your T from your feelings so that she can fully recover. However you are really in need of support for what you are going through as I imagine it must be very hard. I am glad that T's colleague was able to offer some reassurance to you in regards to your T's health. I admire the way you are handling such a painful situation.

I think Summer's idea of emailing this T to find out exactly what her role is, is a good idea. You need to have something in place where you feel supported during this time and if she can't help you with this, maybe she can point you in the righ direction.

Sending gentle hugs
Butterfly
A autumnMember
Thank you so much Summer and Butterfly,

I am working hard, it is very painful, but I think I am moving in the right direction. The good thing about the conversation that I had with my T's colleague on Tuesday is that I was able to clearly state where I was and request what I needed. I told her that I was not in a good place and that I did not want to go into a full blown crisis and that I needed support with containment. I told her that it was difficult for me to talk over the phone or see her in person, as I am unable to verbally convey my internal experience well. I requested of her the ability to e-mail her twice a week to check-in. She had no problem with it and gave me her personal e-mail address. I think what happened was that I took a comment that she'd made about suggesting that I also e-mail my T to mean that she didn't want to deal with me on some level - I think I really distorted what she was expressing. I emailed her yesterday & she e-mailed me back saying that she understands that I need the extra support and that she'd be happy to provide that to me, and that if I needed to e-mail her more than two days a week, it was fine and not a problem at all for her. I could e-mail when ever I needed to. I felt really heard and really supported and proud of myself in that I was able to say to someone directly, 'this is where I am, I'm not good, and this is what I need to be okay'... and it feels really good to have someone respond to me. I actually feel the same way about this community. You all have been so responsive (thanks).

So for now, I am working on trying to calm myself a bit internally - I have been sleep-deprived which is really starting to impact my ability to function well. I think if I can get that under control and get some sleep in - even if its naps during the day, I should have an easier time in decreasing my distress. I am giving myself a week to try to pull it together and settle a bit on my own. I've decided that if I am still feeling this way by next Friday, I will pay a visit to my psychiatrist and see about upping or changing my meds.

So even though it really really hurts, I feel like I am on the right track. I have made a crisis plan and am following it. I have included on it:

1 Email check-in with T's colleague 2x per week
2. 'Lighter' e-mail check-in with T 1x per week.
3. Checking in with my best friend
4. Posting in this community
5. Practicing DBT Crisis Management Skills
6. Continuing Meds
7. Seeing Psychiatrist for additional meds (if needed)
8. Daily Journaling

This is the direction that I am moving in. I think that if I can get through this unscathed, I will be a stronger person, and it will be a big 'stitch' towards my healing.

Again, thank you everyone for your support. I've really needed it and it has been VERY helpful.
A autumnMember
Thanks a lot Alpaca and catalyst. I appreciate your support.

I am having a really hard morning. I am starting to think that I am making all of this pain up. It seems as though I can function fine in social and vocational circles, so maybe this pain is not real.

I am feeling that I will not be able to see my therapist when she returns. I will break into a thousand pieces. She will not know what to do. She will not know how to help me hold it all together nor safely let it go. On some level it will not matter to her, I am just a client. I know that she cares about me a lot, I feel that I am one of her favorite clients, but in the end, I am expendible. I pay my money, I see her, if I don't pay my money I don't see her - it's merely a business contract when it comes down to it. She told me once early on that it is a service that I am paying for. So I see there is a bottom line. I wish that I was not so attached to her. I wish she knew how to better handle my attachment. So I don't know what to do. I think that I will just be a client that is too disturbed for her to help. She will drop me in the end if I can't be helped within the skill base that she has and I can't help myself.

The only solution that I have come up with to keep myself safe with her upon her return is to not see her in person but to have phone sessions with her. The distance will be good. After I am feeling a bit safer, then maybe I could have skype sessions with her. Once that feels manageable for me I could see her in person. That is the only way that I think that I could do it.
B bltMember
Oh Autumn, I know those feelings about being "just a client" but the fact is she is human and you are human to her too. You can't not be a person to her and I know you matter to her, even though you are paying her for a service.

Also, pain can't be not real. Just because you are able to push it aside while with other people doesn't make it fake.

A autumnMember
Alpaca & Summer, thanks again for your support. I'm having a difficult time. I'm hurting so deeply. I think it is grief. Feels like another semi has parked itself on my chest all day.

I guess if there is one 'good' thing it’s that I am experiencing the feelings and I am not trying to run away from them. They feel pretty big and all contained within my body. It's not like I can scream or cry aloud... somehow it seems that I was made 'self-contained'. I guess it is like you said Alpaca, pain can't be not real. It is real and it really hurts even though I can mask it throughout the day.

I think I am really feeling caught in a catch-22 situation. I am having all of these overwhelming feelings regarding my T and her illness. I feel in the long run she will be physically okay but will need to take special precautions to safeguard her health as she has a chronic illness (this is the first time she has been so ill). So the last time I was working closely with my previous T, who also had a chronic illness and had to leave for awhile. When she returned, to ensure her own health, she decided to get rid of her 'stressful clients'. I fell in that category though she framed it much nicer by saying that I needed more than she could offer. It felt very traumatic to me as I was very close with her. I am actually even closer to this current T that I am working with now and I just feel so afraid that she could come to the same decision (although I try to be very sensitive around not being too needy or too demanding). I believe what you said Summer, about talking about the pain to get beyond it. It's just that I feel like I have all of these overwhelming feelings and feel challenged around figuring out how to be verbal and talk about them. My T will be very open about talking about them, but I feel that they will be bigger than words.. or my words will fall far short of my felt experience. I feel this is not her strong-suit, she will not know how to work with me, to respond to that level of pain if I am unable to simply come out and talk about it (and she really doesn't really get 'attachment'). She will need for me to be articulate for her to be able to respond to me. My fear is that I will leave the session with as much pain if not more than when I entered. I won't be able to cope with that. So, I am trying to find a way to side-step that. I'm trying to find a way to not blow out and create even a bigger crisis at which point I feel my T would decide ultimately that she needs to step back because it’s too stressful for her and puts her own health at risk. So I feel that it's a no-win situation. I'm realizing that I'm feeling that I do need to protect my T from my feelings for fear that she will leave. I really don't know what to do. Actually, I'm not sure why I am thinking about it so much because it’s not like my T's return is even on the horizon.
summersummerMember
Hi Autumn,

It does sound like a very complicated situation if your T doesn't understand or work with attachment. Hopefully she will be extremely sensitive in how she handles this with you because of what happened with your former T.

I know you must be very worried that the same thing will happen again. I think that's only natural when you've been hurt with a termination.

I wish I had better advice, but I think you are coping very well under the circumstances.

take care,
Summer
A autumnMember
Thanks SO much Summer. I have really been appreciating your support. Your support has been valued just as much as your advice. Thanks too for telling me that I am coping well under the circumstances. That made me feel really good - you've been a great cheerleader.

I think this community is the only place in the world where I can find that people understand this type of pain. I've spoken with my sister, my H, my best friend and my T's colleague about being affected by my T's absence, but they don't really get it. I don't even think that my T would really get the depth of my pain and despair.
So it's very awkward, to move in the world with this gaping hole and not have people really get you. It makes me feel fragmented... experiencing a reality that can not be seen or known to others. I find it different here and for that I am forever grateful. I feel seen and heard.

So I am not sure of how to proceed forward. I am thinking that I need to simply stick to my crisis plan. Maybe the pain will subside eventually. I don't seem to have many other healthy options.

Monday I will send my T another e-mail wishing her well and sending her healing energy. I will share with her that I burn a tea candle for her every night. I also will tell her that I am taking care of myself and I will share with her some of the positive things that I have been doing. I don't want her to worry about me. It will be very strange though I feel to send her all this positive energy and tell her all these healthy things that I've been doing and then upon her return, feel like I will not be able to go and see her. It feels like the pain will be worse then. I think part of what I need to do is to figure out how to handle/manage the pain without her assistance. I will need to figure out how to contain myself as to not overwhelm her.

I think I will go to my Pdoc next week to get more meds - not sure what type as I can't imagine that anything would really help me. I'm thinking that if I am not sleeping well and extremely distressed, maybe I am anxious? I don't know if I am depressed. I don't feel so because it seems as though I am outwardly functioning well enough. I wrote down all of the different symptoms that I am experiencing on a sheet of paper and will simply discuss with the Pdoc what type of medication will best address those symptoms. I figure that is the best approach to figuring out what meds might help me.

I will continue to reach out here as I am not through the woods. Thanks everyone for being here.
A autumnMember
Thanks for the hugs Alpaca - They're great!

Summer, what an experience you had with your P. I'm sure I would have just about fallen out of my chair as well. Sometimes our T/P's are not as attuned as we think they are. Thank you for continuing to encourage me to speak with my T around my feelings. It looks like that will work out okay.

I am feeling much better today. I e-mailed my T this morning and she e-mailed me back saying that she was happy to hear from me and very pleased that I was doing so well. She said that she'd spoken with her colleague who'd updated her on how I was doing. I was really touched.
I was really glad too that my T was able to share with me how she was doing, and where she is in her healing. I find that communicating with her directly around it has given me an even bigger sense of relief than getting the word through her colleague. In our first e-mail correspondence though she'd simply indicated that it was a difficult time for her and that she was out of the hospital and needed time to heal. I had the impression from that initial e-mail that she was not doing well at all. She seems to have made a lot of progress over the course of the last week, so I am feeling more relieved that she will be okay.
Unbeknownst to me, T's colleague communicated to my T some of the fears that I was experiencing around her illness: 1. Not knowing if she was going to really be alright and 2. Feeling that she was going to drop me as a client. Even though I had not raised these issues with my T, she addressed both of them in her e-mail to me. She told me that she was going to be okay and not to worry and that she had no intentions of dropping me as a client. I felt relieved. I also feel really taken care of by both my T and her colleague. I didn't think that they'd necessarily communicate about me and my well being. It makes me feel like the world is a little bit smaller and I have a broader base of support. It's a nice feeling. It's also a nice feeling seeing that my T is coming along in her recovery and expects to be okay.
Thanks everyone.

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