I think the very last question you asked sums it up. I happen to have repeated attachment issues with older males, but it is not always my parents age. Sometimes it's more like a big brother sort of thing. For example, I had a chemistry teach in high school who ended up also being my youth pastor once I became a Christian. He is only eight years older than me, but I still had an attachment relationship with him, because he was supportive, available, safe, consistent, etc. I think when attachment stuff plays itself out in relationships, it is either because we are getting needs met that weren't before OR because the person triggers or replays certain aspects of our relationships with caregivers. That is just my guess. So, I would think that either these three people were there for you in a way that got to those unmet needs from early on or instinctively reminded you of relationships with those significant people.

Hi Somedays,

First I wanted to provide a link to an old post of mine which talks about two books that I think do a really good job of explaining attachment: DSM-V

As far as how you find the target, there are really two different factors. One is how well the person "fits" or resonates with your internal template of what a relationship looks like. I have noticed in my life that people that I feel very comfortable with or I connect with quickly often share a similar background to me. A person who matches our expectations actually calls forth a stronger reaction because we have stronger neural pathways around those ideas, beliefs and behaviors. That's why often abused people tend to pick unsafe people to be with; even though the behavior may be wrong, it "feels" right because that's what we learned relationship was, when we were small. This is explained much more fully and intelligently in the two books in the link above.

The second factor is that we attach to people who FUNCTION as an attachment figure. An attachment figure focuses on your needs, is attuned to your feelings and needs, offers understanding and compassion and can be turned to when you needed to be soothed. If they are dependable in doing so, they come to represent security so that each time we turn to them again, the backlog of good experience with them actually helps us calm down. So just being able to connect, hear their voice, see them, or know they are thinking of us, can immediately make us feel better. Since this is pretty much a good description of what a T does (especially in focusing on our needs, since as adults all of our other relationships need to focus on both people's needs and feelings OR we need to focus full time on the other person's needs such as in being a parent)if we have an insecure attachment style, then we are drawn to them and to the promise of finally getting our needs met. This forum is a little misleading in that a really intense relationship with your T isn't all that common; people who deal with this tend to be drawn here because it's hard to find info on it. (BTW, by saying it is uncommon I do NOT mean to imply it's sick or freakish, it makes perfect sense as a response to certain circumstances, but those circumstances are unusual. So it's a normal response to unusual circumstances.) People who have a secure attachment are the ones that can easily see their T as a professional providing a service. They may be on intimate terms and feel secure sharing on a deep level, but their sense of self and security will not be tied up in the relationship with their T.

I hasten to add that I am speaking from a perspective of attachment theory, which is certainly not the only approach to psychodynamic therapy or the only way people heal. But since you asked about attachment figures, I answered on that basis.

AG

I'm learning so much about attachment, too. I realized that I didn't have any attachment figures as a child. I had to make up my own stories of attachment figures, i.e. fake parents who loved me. I used those stories and those two make believe parents to get me through the hard times. They were with me and giving me pep talks I needed at night when I felt all alone and cried into my pillow.

I didn't attach to anyone. I was scared to death to be away from my Mother, but I didn't have a secure attachment to her. It felt like she wasn't even there, or fleeting. It's hard to describe. I can't even remember my mom giving me hugs or holding me.

I've been reading this book called the "Emotionally Absent Mother." It goes over attachment a lot and really explores your childhood in depth. I have learned so much about myself just by reading this book.

I've attached myself to a few people in my life. The first was when I was in 7th grade. Yes, I had NO ONE until I was a pre-teen. I also attached myself to my pets. I felt like they knew me better than my parents ever did.
My first attachment was a teacher. My second attachment was a friend, and then a colleague, and my most recent attachment is with T. T's attachment is secure. I feel like nobody is going to take it away. My mom came in between my first attachment to the teacher. She came in between a lot of my relationships. I was devastated and never really got over that loss.

My attachments have always been with older women. It's my pattern, and it explains a lot. "Motherless" child searching for a secure female for comfort and care....

I'm still searching, but I am so thankful T is there to fill that role until I can heal this attachment pain and somehow grow into a whole person.

Love, Broken

I've noticed a pattern in the people I tend to attach to-- they are all women, and they all possess qualities I wish my mother did.

In a way I feel bad saying that, because I have a wonderful mother that I love and I know that she really did try her best. I hate to admit that she "failed" me in any way, but the truth is, she was such an anxious parent and often controlling. Although she cared for me, I feel she did not provide a sense of calm and acceptance.

So, I have at times attached to other female role models who exude calm, kindness, validation, and trust. I'm drawn to those things like a thirsty soul looking for water. My T is definitely old enough to be my mother, in addition to seemingly embodying these attributes, which makes it even easier to run with the "perfect Mommy" fantasy, but I've also had these kinds of attachment feelings surface in a friendship with someone my age. Most of the time it's been with someone a generation ahead of me, though. For some reason that seems safer to me, but I'm sure it's all in my head.

Anyway, I'd still guess that a "target" being of parental age is just one of the factors that may play into the choosing an attachment figure. If the other "right" qualities are present, I see no reason why an attachment relationship could not be triggered by someone the same age or even younger.

Just my thoughts. Interesting thread!

Thanks for your comments so far, it has given me something to think about - as to why I have chosen the people i did. I will have to think about it some more.

Hi... I am middle age and my first T was male and exactly my same age. My current T is also male and is 3 years younger than I am. In both cases I see them as a parental attachment figure. The actual age does not seem to matter as when I'm in therapy I usually feel really young and small. Sometimes I stop and think... how can he feel like my dad when I'm older than he is...ah but he is wiser and stronger and much more stable than I am so he makes a wonderful attachment figure. He is just what I did not have as a child.

The majority of my attachment figures have been males. My mother so traumatized me that I cannot even stand to interact with females in authority positions. They are WAY too threatening to me. My Dad was not so actively abusive at all, mainly he just never took my side or protected me from trauma or pain. He was very ineffective and weak. And so I think my version of an attachment figure is a stronger wiser male who offers me his protection and shows me attention and care.

Before my two T's I had another attachment figure who was a male family member and that did not work out too well after awhile. Neither of us understood what was happening. Before that it was always male teachers.

It's interesting to note who makes the attachment target and why for each of our own individual situations.

TN

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I haven't had a strong attachment with a T until my current T and have only had a few attachments with others in my life. I initially felt like that meant it was not a healthy relationship because it felt so foreign. I don't know that there has to be any particular figure that is represented by the attachment. I think it is just the fact of the attachment with somone and feeling secure enough which has not been the case in the past. Indeed, it seems its a composite of all the failed attachments (mother, father, etc.) in my past. This forum has been pretty helpful in assisting me to understand this dynamic. Thanks for bringing up a good topic.

I'm just throwing this out to anyone who might want to take a stab at it. I keep trying to think about how I am going to feel when I am healed.

The truth is that I didn't have an attachment figure before I started to go to T. I had been burnt by previous people who were my attachment figures (although now I see that but didn't understand at the time.) and so swore never to love again. Unfortunately, I was practically rotting away. Now my T is but as well all know, my feelings for him are so blown out of proportion compared to his feelings for me.

I keep trying to think about how T feels. How he can function with all these people in his life and not be attached to most of them? I asked him about his friendships and he said, I have a lot of acquaintances and a few close friends. And I guess because I don't have a lot of acquaintances that I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be him.

And, so if we are all looking for the stronger wiser other and have found that person in our T's, what happens after we heal? Do we stop looking for the stronger, wiser other? Does T need a stronger, wiser other?

I'm also thinking that I tended to get *TOO* attached to one person and that I need to figure out a way to get less deeply attached to more people. Does that make sense?

This is such a thought provoking thread.

I think I'm realizing that my attachment is toward older, authoritative women figures. But its erotic transference also. I was estranged from my mother emotionally from a very young age and perhaps this is why I am drawn to older women. I class my therapist as a lover I would like to have and a mother.

Interestingly when I become attached like this, there are a serious of perspectives behind it. If she is vulnerable then I have this overwhelming need to rescue and protect her. If I saw that in my therapist, I'd want to hug her and keep her safe. It doesn't help that my sexuality and gender identity is a little mixed. I class myself as primarily attracted to women and feel my protection toward them as a VERY masculine part of me. At the same time, I want an emotional union with that person and for them to look after me as if I was a child.

Both parents were estranged emotionally. When my mother looked after me for the first 6 months of my life, she was apparently very depressed and was crying a lot whilst hugging me. After this my Dad came back into life again for a while, until aged 1 years where my stepmum was the chief carer. At those times both parents were estranged emotionally. And my stepmother was an emotionally closed person.

I try and work out the kind of attachment I have to people. The erotic attachment is not straight forward neither. It seems very complex and I go through phases of trying to work it out and not being able to. I also 'seduce' the people whom I'm attached/attracted to. I change for them. I must admit I've been trying to seduce my therapist with the way I talk, my knowledge, my character. I put on an alter-ego almost. I want her to be amazed by me. To be wildly taken by me. She won't ever do that which is a relief really, even though a part of me would be really boosted if she did say 'FMN, you are AMAZING! Come, lets go on a whirlwind adventure together'

Before T I don't think I had an attachment figure. I only became VERY attached to the people I was having flings with or short term relationships. It was very intense. At school I had formed an attachment to a lovely teacher and when she told me off, I was mortified. That has happened a few times.

I don't know!

I tend to become attached to people who are quiet, peaceful, introspective. People who remind me of my father. It just feels safer than being attached to someone like my mother who is loud, self-centered, etc.

I do think that our paying these people does provide some sense of security even though really its a false sense of security because as we have seen here, there are Ts who do abandon their clients even though they were being paid not to do so. But somehow that exchange of money gives the sense of certainty, security, etc. "i've paid them, so now they MUST provide a service". It feels as though an agreement has been made that as long as you continue to pay, they will be there for you. But it doesn't always work that way.

((((AG))))

Thanks for that explanation. It really helped a lot. It's hard for me to be able to imagine a day for me when I can step out of the house and not feel as though there are all these potential landmines out there. It IS getting better in that there are more "safe" spots out there but still a lot of landmines. I try to imagine what it might feel like to be able to leave the house and feel as though the ground is safe to walk on, as if it isn't suddenly just going to drop out from underneath me without warning. I try to imagine what T's life is like, having all these people in his life and not really attaching to them, at least not in the dysfunctional way that I do? It's very hard for me to envision what that might feel like but I can only imagine that it must feel good.

My attachments have always been with older women. It's my pattern, and it explains a lot. "Motherless" child searching for a secure female for comfort and care....

^story of my life...i thought it was just me

I feel like True North. I'm also middle aged, the difference being I have only ever attached to females and never to males. My Ex T (I don't have a new one) was female and younger than me by about 8 yrs. The attachment was maternal and so just the thought of thinking of someone as a mother figure who is younger than me is bizaar, yet very real. I have also noticed that the people I have felt this way with (there have not been many) have all been calm and caring type of people. Like there is an energy about them I can't explain. Anyway I clearly sounded like some freak of nature to her because I have never heard anything more from her since I told her about the transference. I wish she could just have understood. Only God knows how much I loved and needed her.

quote:

I wish she could just have understood. Only God knows how much I loved and needed her.

I get this, I really do. I feel so alone in my feelings for my T - I think he just thinks I'm "in love" and even obsessed to some degree (from what he said Friday), but I feel like those are such superficial descriptions that just don't do justice to the depth of what I feel. No one understands who hasn't been through it, and you dear souls here are the only ones I am able to confide in.

Night all,
Starry

(((Starry))) and everyone else going through this private hell

v

Thanks, CD. I felt it!

I keep going back to what I said when this attachment/whatever first struck me - I didn't WANT to get attached, esp to someone that knows so much about me and has that degree of...whatever over me!
I didn't want this, but now I can't imagine my life without it and that FRUSTRATES the heck out of me! I feel like a 4 year old yelling, "No Fair!!!"

~ sigh ~
Starry

my attachment figure when i was very young was an imaginary chinaman that would come out only at night. although he was no more than 3 feet high i had no doubt he could kick anybody's ass if he needed to. it was his job to watch over and protect me. later, in junior high, high, and post high school i began to fantisize about male teachers. always male, and they would always be saving me from some sort of harm. i flip-flop between feeling attached to T (male) and not feeling so attached. not sure what that's about, but at least when i'm NOT feeling attached it's like a vacation because the longings that accompany the feeling of attachment truly are painful.

Starry, i didn't want to become attached to T, either. i really fought it, and still do. i've always considered myself to be independent and self-sufficient, and that i don't need anybody else. but for the times i think about terminating therapy, or when my brain interprets his words as saying "i think we're about done" it can really freak me out, just like your 4-year old. the thought of never seeing him again? i think i'd bawl like a baby and i dread that day. what the hell have i gotten myself into?

tandem ~sigh~

cd

quote:

although he was no more than 3 feet high i had no doubt he could kick anybody's ass if he needed to.

LOVE this!!

I never had an imaginary friend or guardian, but I knew I was adopted, and always believed that my birthmother was somewhere out there (cue Linda Ronstadt song), thinking of me and praying for me. Ended up not being so idyllic, but it worked for me in the meantime.

Starry

quote:

Originally posted by heldincompassion:
I've noticed a pattern in the people I tend to attach to-- they are all women, and they all possess qualities I wish my mother did.

In a way I feel bad saying that, because I have a wonderful mother that I love and I know that she really did try her best. I hate to admit that she "failed" me in any way, but the truth is, she was such an anxious parent and often controlling. Although she cared for me, I feel she did not provide a sense of calm and acceptance.

So, I have at times attached to other female role models who exude calm, kindness, validation, and trust.

Thank you for writing this, heldincompassion! This is exactly how I feel, too. I have been racking my brain trying to understand these attachment feelings (because I haven't talked about it yet with T) and this is how I feel. My mother was also always anxious, and overprotective and controlling...she always wanted to prevent "the worst (in her mind) from happening."

Well, I think what happened was that I was always trying to make sure she didn't worry, that I never felt able to really open up to her about things that weren't going well, or feelings I felt that were less than ideal. Because if something wasn't right, she would worry about it.

Now I have a strong attachment to my T. She is about 13 years older than I am, and I feel so CALM and safe when I am with her. I think she fills the void in my heart where my mother was not always there for me emotionally.

I know your post was many months ago, and I don't know if you are still here, but heldincompassion, this post was like a lightbulb, a sort of "aha" moment for me! Especially the part about not wanting to admit to any failings on Mom's part (or in my case not really recognizing them.) Thank you for this insight!