JM,

Is there anyway you can add an extra appt either before she leaves or right after she gets back so that you don't have to wait 3 wks instead of just 2? It is great that you are planning things with friends and your hubby. I know it is not the same but the more you are able to connect with people who care about you the better you'll feel and the faster the time will go.

I feel for you, I really do. It hurts and we feel helpless to stop it. We work so hard in therapy to create this attachment and open ourselves up and be vulnerable and we can't turn it off or get a break from it. It's a cruel byproduct of the "system." I guess this is why I have trouble trusting the system. It seems to extend needless suffering. (By system I mean how the therapy process is set up with short appts, once a week, etc. As far as I can tell it was an arbitrary design.)

Anyway, how I wish I could offer you something to make the wait more bearable! It is kind of like having to go several weeks without pain meds for an injury because your MD is on vacation. That would never fly. Can you imagine? I wonder if seeing a colleague of hers during the time, not for anything deep but just encouragement, would help. I wonder if anyone ever does that?

As far as your question about how long this lasts, I wish I knew. I guess for me it started almost a year ago. I remember being completely miserable over Christmas last year and after this summer I am already dreading this Christmas holiday. I hope someone can respond with an answer. I certainly don't want to feel like this forever.

Hi River,

Thank you for your reply. I was feeling so alone in my thoughts and spiraling around like a lost little girl. It was nice to hear such soft words of understanding and encouragement. I really needed that.

I’ve thought of asking for an extra appointment before she leaves, but I am afraid she is all booked up cramming everything in before she goes. I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask, does it. As for seeing one of her colleagues, she said that while they are there and will return brief phone calls, there really is no basis that they share in filling in for each other. She doesn’t see that working as well as one might think it would, but by all means I am free to call if I face a dilemma and if it is urgent certainly someone could meet with me if absolutely necessary. The truth is they don’t know me, I don’t really know them, I doubt that my feelings will pour out as smoothly as I wish they would if I haven’t built up a relationship with them. (besides all I have to do is just push play.)

I agree the system does seem arbitrary at times doesn’t it? But somehow it manages to work. The whole vulnerability to someone who can seemingly take you or leave you is a stabbing reminder of its subjective method. But I still trust that the taking or leaving aspect is a tough pill to swallow for both parties and never administered harshly or easily. My T has let me know recently in the case of my alcohol rehabilitation that “in her attachment to me that she would feel disappointed if I relapse.” (So it feels personal to them sometimes) How can one really resist it all together?

Just an extra side bar on that note: I don’t think that our T’s have the easiest position in this inherently difficult relationship either. My T admits that she thinks of clients past and present all the time and wonders and hopes that they are doing ok, but she can’t pick up the phone to call them. She said she likes to hear when her clients are doing ok, especially after a difficult situation, but she can’t initiate the call, because then that no longer fits their need, but hers.

It was really good to hear from you. What you said was very helpful and insightful.

Thanks,
JM

A couple of weeks ago I was doing really well. I felt pretty strong and stable like I was OK on my own. But I must be heading towards some sort of breakthrough or growth spurt or something because since then I've been back to that "whimpering in a corner" feeling as AG puts it. But the pain is goobs better than a year ago when I couldn't even talk to my T about our relationship. At least now I can get a few words out since I've finally acknowledged and accepted my attachment to her. But it is still an insecure attachment since I sometimes find myself waiting to be dropped like a lead weight at any moment. My goal for my session tomorrow is to talk to her about this. I've been trying for the last 2-3 sessions and last week I got closer so hopefully this week I'll do it. The only way out of the pain is to go through the pain. I've been in denial about this for a really long time. Talking with everyone here is helping me to see there is really no other way to heal. Yes, I would love to know how long this is all going to take and when the pain will go away but trying to avoid it isn't going to make it go away any faster right?

Thanks,

It just hurts so much sometimes to feel so attached to someone you can only see for an hour once a week.

I just called my T and left her a message asking about an extra appointment between my regular one (Wednesday morning) and before she goes. I will see what she says when she calls back.

Any bets on her reply?

1) “I’m sorry, I am booked solid between now and then.”
2) “Yea sure how many do you need?”
3) “Would you just like to come on my vacation with me? I have an extra ticket.”
4) “What is the matter with you, you clingy little nutcase?”

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
How long would it take you to pack if you got no. 3? (I wouldn't get between you and your suitcase.)

I'm already packed and sitting on her curb.

quote:

I'm hoping for no. 2 but I understand why you think no. 1 is really likely. But please remember that it wouldn't be a sign she doesn't care about you. Its just that many of her patients may be feeling anxiety about her going away so that her schedule is kind of tight.

OTHER PATIENTS? What other patients? She sees other people besides ME??

quote:

And that would mean, that no. 4 isn't true or she sees a LOT of nutcases.

Therapist calls into waiting room; "NEXT!"

quote:

Now stop it, you are not a nutcase. You're the opposite, you're working hard to face the truth about your feelings. I'm really sorry this is so hard, that its so difficult having her away.

Writes on chalkboard ten times;
"I am not a nutcase. I am not a nutcase. I am not a nutcase..."

Oh, my goodness, that's hilarious.

Shrinklady

You guys are way too funny!

Robin

Another oldie but a goodie (and a very funny one too!) Even shrinklady stopped by to comment!

Just Me:

quote:

I want to just sleep, because it doesn’t hurt when I sleep. But that’s not coping.

Oh, that's so true. I LOVE my bed!

Just Me:

quote:

I don’t think that our T’s have the easiest position in this inherently difficult relationship either. My T admits that she thinks of clients past and present all the time and wonders and hopes that they are doing ok, but she can’t pick up the phone to call them. She said she likes to hear when her clients are doing ok, especially after a difficult situation, but she can’t initiate the call, because then that no longer fits their need, but hers.

I found this interesting as it gave me a view of the other side of the whole dependency / attachment / boundaries issues we keep raising on these boards.

AG -

quote:

The people who get really stuck are those whose sole concentration is on turning the relationship with their T into something other than a theraputic one instead of using the opportunity to learn more about how they react in relationship. That's how you get really stuck.

I don't want to get stuck. Again, another good reminder about why we need to push through with therapy instead of getting stuck in the whole dependency / attachment / boundary areas.

I'm OK