Quilter, I'm glad you took that step of faith to find a healthier therapy environment.

Here is my experience with outside contact. It took me a couple of months to consent to my T's suggestion that I could contact him any time (usually we text) just to stay connected, like a thread, and especially if I was scared, hurting, worried about how I was feeling or thoughts I was having. I have been texting with him for about five months now, and in the beginning, I was constantly anxious, wanting to hide, to quit, to run away, to punish myself for reaching out. I don't know much about history you have with rejection/abandonment or abuse for communicating your feelings. I have a lot in my family. So, even though T has outright stated that no amount of contact is burdensome to him, that it is actually a blessing to him that I am able to trust him in that way when I have trouble opening up to others, I have fought hard to NOT believe it. Intellectually, I get that T is not either of my parents. He is so kind and caring. He is stable, steady. Even if he cannot always respond right away, he makes me feel heard and held in general. He shows me that he is willing to listen and he is there for me. Why is that so hard? Because, internally I am certain that I cannot be cared for, that anyone who gets close enough will hurt or leave me. Quilter, it will take time to unlearn that certainty. I still have to regularly fight projections. Just today, I had to text T that I was reading bad things into his text about scheduling. Literally, his text said, "Ok. Thanks. Dr-" and I was reading it as, "Stop trying to act like you have something to offer me, because you don't. I'm sick of you being so needy." It is scary to always be feeling that way. I have found that it lessens with time and with honesty. If you are able, the best way I can tell you to help manage this anxiety is to be perfectly honest with T about how you are feeling.

Do you think you could listen to her voicemail and text/call her back to say, "When you called, I regretted texting. I immediately felt very anxious about allowing myself to depend on you in that way." Maybe you already know why you felt anxious (something in the past that makes you assume it is not safe to depend on her). If so, perhaps you can identify that for her. If not, maybe she can ask you some questions in your next session to get to the bottom of it. There is so much you can learn in therapy that is best (and sometimes only) learned through these triggering episodes, sometimes outright reenactment of childhood feelings, with T. I hope this made sense. I am typing with my infant nephew sleeping on my lap, so it's a bit hard to stay focused. -Yaku

Isn't it strange when our "dreams come true?" I know that when my T said I could call anytime, I actually, deliberately, drew back, resisting the fact that she was giving me exactly what I wanted. Really uncomfortable feeling for me, since any time I've gotten what I wanted in the past (from family) it's always had a hefty price tag.

I'm SO glad you and NewT (formerly known as Consult T) have started building such a supportive relationship - it sounds like she is on top of things and and is truly there for you! It might feel strange right now, but she wouldn't have told you to text/call if she didn't mean it. Hard to swallow, the care and concern of our Ts, isn't it?

Keep plugging along, taking things one day, one text, one phone call at a time. Rely on her, it sounds like that is what you need, and what she is able to give you!

It can be sooooo scary when we have free reign to call/text/email our Ts. I'm honestly not sure which I prefer...no outside contact or unlimited contact.

T1 is a texter and I have permission to call as well, though I don't. I text the hell out of her though. Sometimes I feel like can't go a day without texting her! I think I texted her 15 times on Sunday.

T2, on the hand, is not an outside communicator. She's never come out and said that, but zhe hasn't had to. It's just sort of unspoken. I send her one or two emails a week, but they are very brief and sometimes I get a response back and other times I do not. I don't mind when I don't get a reply; sometimes it is not necessary. However, I fear the day that she asks me to stop emailing her outside of therapy. So, like I said, I keep them so brief and to the point and I usually end the email with, "See you on Thursday". and sometimes I even state, "let's discuss this further when we meet again" so that she doesn't feel I am seeking a reply.

Attachment is some scary shit...and I do think there is more potential for dependency and attachment when we have permission to text, etc. However, in time, I think the goal is for it to be managed. In a sense, it gives our T a means of gaging our progress. "Oh, she is only texting three times a week now. She must be making progress!" I can't wait to get to that point! lol

LG - I know how you feel. Had to text T a bunch today. One was about how I was feeling. Two about scheduling stuff (back and forth with him) and one because my mortgage company wants me to prove what we're paying for therapy and he has never given me receipts/invoices/statements (they want more than our cancelled checks and a copy of his business card, obviously). Even though only one was actually me reaching out for something I needed, I was hating myself. Some days I project he hates me because he ignores me. Other days, I wish he would stop responding, otherwise, I will just keep going. I can't make it stop!

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
LG - I know how you feel. Had to text T a bunch today. One was about how I was feeling. Two about scheduling stuff (back and forth with him) and one because my mortgage company wants me to prove what we're paying for therapy and he has never given me receipts/invoices/statements (they want more than our cancelled checks and a copy of his business card, obviously). Even though only one was actually me reaching out for something I needed, I was hating myself. Some days I project he hates me because he ignores me. Other days, I wish he would stop responding, otherwise, I will just keep going. I can't make it stop!

Isn't it odd how sometimes our Ts don't reply much and other days they are texting back and forth a lot? I often wonder what the story behind that is. Is it because she is busy? Is it because she is out partying and too drunk to reply? (seriously, I have thought this).

T1 has a pattern and I usually know when I am going to get a text back on weeknights. (10pm my time, 11pm her time after her son has gone to bed). I sit there and wait and wait until that 10pm rolls around and if I don't get a text back til the next morning, I am certain its because she was having sex that night and didn't check her phone because she was "busy" (or getting busy, lol). I know its crazy I think these things, but I swear...this is what crosses my mind!

Ugh...since my T is a guy and I have dad issues with him, I hope I don't start thinking that!!! LOL. Luckily, the only times he has texted me back late at night have been right after I left his office. He lives 2.5 hours away from the office I meet him at (only there Mon-Tue), so I KNOW he's not doing that then, at least. Anyway...back to the...ahem...topic.

Yeah, um, maybe we aren't making the best case for communicating with Ts in between sessions.

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:


Yeah, um, maybe we aren't making the best case for communicating with Ts in between sessions.

lol, yeah. Unless you want to know your Ts sex patterns, don't get into a routine of texting them at the same time every day!

LOL, I am so glad for the serious responses that made me feel like I wasn't the only one to have this problem and then the last few posts of ridiculousness just made me laugh (and laughing is gooood!!!)
Thanks for your responses, gave me the courage to listen to the voicemail she left me... which was so supportive and sweet (pretty sure I felt more attachment and support from this one voicemail than I did from six months with OldT, which just reinforces my decision that it was good to switch.)
Thanks for all your help and whatever I do I will make sure not to text at a certain time every night!!

Hi Quilter,
Sorry I am late to the discussion but do you mind if I toss something into the mix? You're reaction makes total sense to me if viewed through a lens of disorganized attachment.

We are biologically driven to seek out our attachment figures to meet our needs, the drive becomes especially strong when we are in distress.

My T calls what you're talking about "the bind" our desire to move closer for connection and comfort and our absolute terror at getting it. A long time ago we learned that to go towards others in our need was a great way to get hurt, abused or rejected. So to protect ourselves we learned instead to just stay alone. But the needs never really go away, and become more insistant with time because we're human and we need those connections.

So while on one hand you have longed to be closer to your T and have the outside contact, getting it meant you can move closer to your T, which signaled on a very deep, unconscious level that you are doing something dangerous, which makes you want to flee.

This is what makes healing from this stuff so hard. The very thing you need to do to heal is the thing that scares you the most. Dependence is terrifying because in the past, when we were supposed to be dependent, it didn't work out well, nor could we rely on the people we were supposed to. No matter how well you understand that your T is reliable in a cognitive way, experientially you will not be able to trust her, until you have, despite your fear, reached out to her and been met consistently with acceptance and understanding. That outside contact may very well be theraputically necessary. I know it was for me.

AG