Hi Empty,

I have definitely experienced a dependency on my T in order to heal, although it was so safe because he has incredibly clear boundaries. So I was safe letting myself learn to depend on him.

I've posted alot on this subject, so I'm hoping you won't mind if I'm lazy and post some links to old posts.

dependency - how much is too much? Scroll up on this one and start from the top.

therapy relationship question This is the same link as in the post above

The End Goal - finishing therapy

I just want to add that as I am nearing the end I am finding that I am no longer feeling dependent on my therapist. The times I feel like I really NEED him (notice I didn't say want but need!) are fewer and further between these days. So I did enter into a state of dependency and then stay there. Again, his boundaries have been very important. My T never does anything for me that I am capable of doing for myself but does not hesitate to provide what he can give that I actually need.

AG

Hi Em, I’m beginning to struggle with this idea right now too (lol also thanks to True North’s wonderful explanation of how it is for her!).

I suspect that therapy on this deep level actually doesn’t work (at least not as well) without some kind of emotional attachment from us - and I’m really dubious about this boundaries thing too. AG has written so much good stuff about all of this - I hope her links will help you sort through what’s going on for you right now. I remember your other posts about the boundaries issues with your T where suddenly new boundaries came slamming into place. I take it that is still not resolved?

And yeah where do you draw the line between ‘healthy’ and ‘unhealthy’ dependency? To me dependency of ANY kind is unhealthy, but that’s a combination of my own fear and external messages. Sigh don’t you just wish there was some sort of definitive instruction manual about therapy that we could refer to and get to know what it’s all about without all this agonizing confusion and pain.

Lamplighter

quote:

And yeah where do you draw the line between ‘healthy’ and ‘unhealthy’ dependency? To me dependency of ANY kind is unhealthy, but that’s a combination of my own fear and external messages.

Thank you for this -lamplighter. I needed a reminder of my blinders in this area too. (preparing for the big talk on Monday)

And AG- I just reread your threads, and continue to find them oh so helpful.

Yes- TN a great description.

Em- I wish you the best, as wou journey and balance the dependency line. And I read the book that AG talked about, it was fantastic, and now time for me to go back and reaquaint myself with parts of it. The book explains things quite well. The quote that AG posted about the book is very accurate for me- that was the draw for me to buy it.
Mayo

quote:

I realized that the boundaries feel so painful not because of what I'm not getting from my T, but because of what I didn't get from my parents. I needed to be loved, I needed to be cherished, I needed to feel like I was someone special, and I needed to feel like my needs were important enough to be met. That's still difficult to say. I didn't get those things and its incredibly painful. I'm letting myself feel what it felt like and it hurts and leaves me grief stricken. I'm struggling so hard with the boundaries because on some level I believe if I can just force my T to give me what I want then I won't have to experience the pain of the loss. Which is why my T could never do enough, even if I was all he paid attention to 24/7, even if he said everything I thought I wanted to hear from him, it wouldn't change a thing. Because I had very deep needs that went unfulfilled and it hurt. And I was furious and angry that I wasn't being taken care of. I get angry at my T because I want him to make it not have happened.

AG
************possible trigger********************
For years I could not see what it was I needed from my T. I thought I went to therapy so she could help me solve my problems (not unlike most who see therapeutic help). I soon discovered I had repressed memories of abuse from childhood and thought I then needed her continued help to uncover them. I thought that if I could walk through them that I would land at a place of healing. I still thought the events of the past were my pain and that talking about them would heal them. I did not connect to the real pain; the fact that I was sexually abused and neglected at crucial moments during my life. After nearly five years with my T I was still trying to find the truth. I wanted to find concrete reasons to explain pain and do something to fix it. When she recently refused to see me as a client I felt the flood of emotions that I had successfully avoided all of my life. The anger and the pain I felt without someone to help me hold or regulate them was nothing short of excruciating. It's been several weeks and the external wounds have healed; I am still here. I now realized the lie I was believing about what I needed from our relationship. Ugh! There is much more I can say about this but I have to get to an appointment.

Thank you AG for your posts on attachment, transference, and boundaries. Thank you SG for posting about dependency. I appreciate the insightful and transparent posts of everyone on this forum.

deeplyrooted

((((((deeplyrooted))))))

deeplyrooted

Can I join AG in giving you a hug? I understand a little about your childhood issues because of my own experiences, although I know nobody can truly understand what it is like for you personally, sometimes it helps to know that others have empathy for similar reasons. ((((deeplyrooted)))) I just want to say I can imagine even more then, how dreadful it must have been when your T refused to see you. That is such a big fear for any of us in therapy, but especially so to those of us who have been hurt or rejected in the past at such crucial times - the times when we needed people most.

I have had to check many a time with my T that she won't suddenly not see me or walk out - have told her I need to know first so I can walk first. The memories of abandonment lie close to the surface still, but I am lucky to have had that reassurance from her now and am slowly learning to believe it. But it's taken ages and I can imagine deeplyrooted that for you, all trust will have gone, not only with her, but in anybody else who tries to help you for a while.

I am sorry for your intense pain over recent weeks. I can only try to imagine how very hard it has been for you - yes the wound heals outside, but underneath it will still feel so very raw. Don't give up the belief that you can be helped to heal from your experiences of abuse and neglect, you really can and I hope one day you will with the right person to help you.

starfish

Thanks for the hug AG and starfish . It does help to know at MyShrink that I do not walk this journey alone, even though it sometimes feels like it. Though the pain of rejection exposed deeper issues, I am grieved that the relationship cannot be repaired because trust was broken. I am tempted to blame myself for the anger I expressed. I am guilty of scaring her away or resenting me for something I did or said. I don't know how to move past that right now. Thank you, starfish, for the words of encouragement. Since the breakup, I have met with a couple of other therapists but I really should take that to a previous post on another thread, lest someone hit me with the slapper.

deeplyrooted