Urgh, you have my sympathy but tonnes of admiration too for what you're going through.

Transference has been the single most crazy-inducing feeling I have ever experienced I think. I think Attachment Girl has a good explanation about why you get the full-on cinematic surround sound experience with Ts that you don't necessary feel with other people in your life. I think her post is specific to erotic transference but it helps you understand transference in general terms too I think.

I swear, if he gives me the same speech tomorrow that he's given me the past three times, I might have to break his chair.

Is it worth mentioning what you think you need from him up front in the next session? I think one of the things I have been prone to do in the past is hope for a certain response from a T without telling them and then I've gone away frustrated and unhappy that I've just opened up and they've given me what felt like superficial therapist schtick.

Best of luck for tomorrow.

Thanks, Mallard. I'm very familiar with Attachment Girl's blog. I've probably read that post on transference 3 or 4 times alone. Her blog has helped me understand the therapy dynamic so much and given me perspectives to keep me grounded when my emotions threaten to rage out of control. It was through corresponding with AG that I ended up joining this forum.

Unfortunately, the erotic aspect of things applies to my situation as well, which I think only worsens my sense of shame. I'm married, and T is more than twice my age. The transference is so severe that I don't even allow myself to shake his hand.

(((affinity))))

transference is no respecter of persons.

I've experienced erotic transference too. It got so bad that I actually consulted with a former T about it because I was freaking out so much. She calmly told me that she'd experienced intense erotic transference towards her female therapist. She was happily-married, grandmotherly, and heterosexual (as far as I know). So, yeah, it really does cross boundaries and hit us when we least expect it. I had no idea I was going to wind up feeling it and it took me a long time to come clean. This was nearly 10 years ago now.

I've since experienced strong transference with a female T (not erotic this time and not a positive transference either) just lots and lots of crippling fear. I do truly think it can be a useful thing to bring up, and I think I've done some healing work but bloody hell it can feel like closing your eyes and walking through fire with your T and hoping you'll get out the other side intact.

quote:

So I had a great session last Wednesday and spent the next few days basking in warm feelings for my T.

quote:

The conversation went well (T was caring as usual), but something he said unearthed my deep shame about it all.

quote:

Last session, I told him I wanted our connection to be strong because I was about to wade into some really heavy stuff with him and needed the support. Now I just want to take it all back and tell him to forget I said anything.

Affinity,

I know how crazy making this can feel, but actually think you are reacting quite normally and coherently for someone dealing with a disorganized attachment. Moving closer to our therapists involves an intricate dance balancing the deep sense of danger pulsating out from our limbic system versus our deep longing to be connected and understood and accepted.

I pulled the quotes above, because the sequence I see here is that in your last session, you connected deeply enough to allow yourself to bask in the sense of security provided by the connection. Your implicit memories stored in your amgydala look at that and go "oh no, you moved closer to a caretaker and now you're even relaxing and enjoying it! NO NO NO, how stupid are you? You are only going to get hurt you idiot! Get the hell out of there!"

Our longings and need for connection are deep and strong and healthy, so in order to fight against them we utilize the strongest weapon in our emotional arsenal: shame. So when you move closer, the shame gets thrown up in order to attempt to move you to a "safer" distance where you won't get hurt (your limbic system wants you alive, not so fussy about the happy part). SO you moved closer, a lot of shame got evoked, you decided you wanted to move away.

I have done this more times than I can count, sometimes in very subtle ways (I suspect I may be doing it right now ). The truth is our limbic system senses danger and screams get out, and then we come along and lay a sophisticated rationalization on top of that desire, but really we just responding to that sense of "RUN!!" See Time to Run: The Power of the Amygdala for a more detailed discussion.

You're doing the right thing to go in and talk about these feelings. It's only in walking into our fears and having a different experience that we can learn that what we are doing in moving closer is no longer dangerous, but actually a good thing to do. You're not crazy, you are having reasonable reactions to unreasonable circumstances, if you see your actions in light of your early experiences it makes total sense to react this way, it would be crazy if you didn't.

I also think Mallard's advice about expressing what you need is excellent (she is a very wise woman and I don't say that just because she recommends my blog. Thank you Mallard!). T's can be so empathetic that we just expect them to know, but the only way they learn what we need is if we show it to them. Good luck!

AG

(((Mallard))) (((SB))) (((AG)))

Thanks so much for talking me through this. I had a really bad day today just waiting to get into session. I could barely focus at work, and I was pretty sure I'd just start screaming the moment I walked into T's office. But session was brilliant. We talked anime and Old Testament for a few minutes to break the tension, then I read my letter. T was super cool and kept the mood light. We worked through some really heavy stuff today, but...it didn't feel heavy if that makes sense. I think T was in a good mood; I got on one pretty horrific subject (hereafter referred to as The-Subject-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named) and, I swear, he actually got excited. All this to say, I faced my shame head on and won...at least, for today.

(((Affinity))) - Isn't it great when therapy really works? Blows my mind sometimes.

I'm just getting into the strangeness of admitting out loud to T my transference feelings for her. like you say, really terrifying! But something that is helping is to make clear to T my dependency feelings are coming from my inner child, not the grown-up me. Actually I'm older and bigger than her, probably can run faster too, LOL. It's so embarrassing! And making this distinction about inner child is helping. At least to break the ice.