Today is August 12th. Two years ago today, a few days out of surgery, I went to see my oldT. He handed me a list of other T's at the end of our session and told me to go and find a new one to see going forward. I was blindsided and traumatized by his announcement and barely walked out on my own strength. I sat outside in my car and cried for a long time. OldT came out, felt I was in a dangerous place (he decided this without talking to me beyond asking me what was the "problem") and then took it upon himself to call the police to take me away to the crisis ER.
I was mortally wounded that day. Somehow I lived through the night, sleepless, shaking with anxiety in pain from the strain hysterical crying put on my surgical cuts and profoundly alone and terrified. I was traumatized. The person I was then, died the next day when oldT sent me an email telling me that the appointment I still had on his calendar... and that the night before in the ER he reminded me that we had.... was now cancelled and I was fully terminated. Have a nice life. We had been together almost 3 years. I was healing and coming into a really good place. He also abandoned my son. No reason.
It's hard to believe that this was two years ago, yet if feels like a thousand years ago for all that followed those days. The darkness, the pain, the grief, the loss, the confusion, the terror, the hopelessness....it was all suffocating me.
The hopeful, cautiously optimistic, somewhat naieve person I was then... she died. She had just learned to trust and was hit by a freight train. That part of me will never come back. I know this. Things can never be the same. My T says it's good that things will be different. He tells me that while I will heal, I will always bear the scar of that day. He is at least honest with me.
I still grieve what was lost that day. Who was lost.
I will buy some flowers later and take them to what I call her gravesite. I will go and acknowledge what happened on August 12th and mark the day alone.
On Monday the 13th... the anniversary of the final banishment... I will see my T. I know I am lucky that I have him because I know he understands.
Thanks for reading
TN
Original Post
Of course, I don't know what you went through with OldT but can only try to compare it to my own life experiences. This quote really resonated with me:
