((((SMT))))

Sometimes we need a gentle push but you shouldn't talk about anything unless you want to. It certainly shouldn't be a shove to get you to talk about something. It is not wrong to say "no way". A good T won't push you into talking about something you are not ready to and would expect you to be reticent about talking about difficult topics. They would also expect that you might have to be exposed to the topic over and over again until you are comfortable talking about it.

I see it this way - you 'could' ignore it and vow to never ever ever talk about it... BUT - it's kinda like the proverbial giant elephant in the living room.

What I found helpful was to write a list of all the things I found so incredibly hard to talk about -many things on the list were 'this I will never ever talk about!'.

You can list them or rank them in order of easiest hard thing to hardest of hard thing.

I then told my T I had a List of Hard Things I didn't really want to talk about BUT knew that because I had SUCH a fear of talking about them, it meant I really probably did need to, at some point.

We spent a few sessions talking about talking about the things on the list - what did I need to feel ok enough to bring some of them up? What was I most afraid of, in talking about them? (Ie - her reaction? Or mine?). We talked about my fear of fear of talking about them.

That helped a LOT. I was able to realise 'hey - most of my fears (major understatement, more like TERROR) were unfounded).

One day I had a bottle of brave and emailed her some of the things on the list. It helps if you are clear like I was - I said 'here is so e of My List - I don't think I can talk about it in person with you yet' - this meant that at our next session she was able to ASK if 'it's ok to talk about some - or one - today / yet'.

I then said ok - she acknowledged how hard it was for me to face this. I could hardly talk, so she - very sensitively - suggested 'how about the first one'. It helped she did t SAY what it was, just referred to 'no 1' on the list.

Once we started talking about it, it was NOWHERE as hard as I imagined!!!

That one session we covered all the things on my sub list and I left feeling SO much better!!!

Over a few months I am working through each thing on the list.

It really does help - but I think preparation before hand is the key - Talk a LOT about talking about it before yu actually make a start.

Ps) I remind myself - for as long as I avoid taking about the hard things, it's exactly how long I will remain stuck for

I avoid things... But will usually let my T know when I have stuff brewing. She'll help me break it free if that is what I want, or she will help is work on my connection with her, or whatever roadblock is there. When I avoid something it just keeps coming up until I stop... So eventfully I will but it's brought up in teeny tiny bites over a long time.

I tell my T no all the time or change subjects if I can't handle it. She really let's me drive most of the time.., if we need to get to it she will very gently ask directly, but never forced

I don't think the time to talk about the hard things is now or never. There is a right time. A time when you are ready. A time when you need to talk about it. A time when you know that to move forward means talking about it.

Rather than having a tug-of-war over whether or not you talk about it, it may be more productive to talk about why you don't. I don't mean just stating the usual defensive words. I mean digging deep.

You are protecting yourself from something. Maybe you had to protect yourself in this way in the past. You needed to protect yourself then. Things should be different with T. Try to figure out how you can be safe with T and talk about it.

Or, tell T you need to put it on a shelf and return to it later. Last night I got upset in group when a woman was talking about her parents' illnesses and doctors, etc. It brought up all the memories of the awful things that happened in the hospital with my mother. I told T about this response and said that I would need to talk about this sometime. T said, "we'll talk about it whenever you're ready." I'm not ready.

Bottom line is that it's your decision, your choice. Try to be honest with yourself and consider if you're avoiding it, ignoring it, denying it, terrified of it - and then ask yourself if it would be a good idea to talk about it (not whether you feel like talking about it). Then, just do the best you can.

Take good care,
-RT

I'm the Avoider -of -the -Year, seems like. When it comes to transference. I wish so very much T would give me a shove!

Very wise RT