(((Athenacus))) i don't have anything to say other than i'm thinking about you. my best to you! do take care

Hey Athenacus,

I am bumping into this this week as well. I read a lot about it this week and although my T hasn't tightened her boundaries - the nature of the relationship is evident all the time. She keeps saying it is a mutual relationship where we work things out together. Crap - it is one sided and all the power is on her side, once I say or do something wrong I am going to be pulled into line and put back in my place. I have to be on my best behaviour. That doesn't sound equal to me. I am too scared to talk to her about it and in fact I would have been too scared to discuss what you did, I admire your bravery.

I would feel like crying as well. I really understand what you are feeling. I am sorry that we all have to hear these really difficult things.

Athenacus,
Sometimes they can be so stingy! My T had to not cooperate with me last week and I needed it and it hurt mostly. I hope you feel better soon.

Take care,
Hopeful

Athenacus I’m sorry you had such a painful session .

I hear you saying that in some way you are relieved(?) that the out of session contact boundary has been made clear, though the way you describe your T as ‘slamming down’ the boundaries makes me wonder just how empathic and understanding she was in making things clear to you. There are ways of setting limits that don’t come across as laying them down like draconian authoritarian rules and it sounds a bit like your T messed up in the empathy stakes here.

quote:

It seems like the mixed messages that I got over the the last couple of years were just miscommunications.

Do you mean that you misunderstood the messages or that your T wasn’t being clear enough about what she meant? To have felt this way over two years is a long time to have received messages that in some way misled you.

I’m sorry I don’t know your story and am probably missing a lot here, but did the question come up of your T mentoring you in some way and now she’s withdrawing that suggestion? Or was it something you were hoping for and in openly asking her about it she responded with setting these boundaries instead?

Is there anything in here you could continue talking to your T about? I get the impression that though you are in some way accepting of her new(?) boundary that there is still a lot of feelings and needs that should be discussed a whole lot more.

I hope you got a good night’s sleep and feel a bit better today

LL

Hi LL and others,

It's a long story about the relationship between me and my T. I wish I could write it all up at the moment, but I don't have time.

T has times where I believe she gets her needs met by having me in session. On those days she doesn't seem to have boundaries. She tells me a lot about herself during her weak boundary days. T has even told me where she hangs out after work once in a while (I ran into her there). It feels more like a friendship when she shares so much of herself. Some of her stories as far as I can tell have no therapeutic purpose.

During one session I asked her if we had an end date and if we were working on terminating due to an assignment that she gave me. She was very shocked and said that she thought our relationship had turned from moving me through my crisis onto a mentor/student type of relationship. I thought that sounded good. She told me I could call her for help with homework. I thought that was very sweet, but there were no boundaries put on when I could call her or how much time she was willing to put in with me on my homework. I'm about to go to school to train to be a T. I've only called T once on her cell in between session and that was a happy/excited call...not bothering her with any problems or issues.

Some other days T is in a fowl mood and I don't open up much to her or she seems extremely cold and uncaring.

Now, I suppose a lot of this is my perspective an how I'm feeling on certain days too. Sometimes T and I are extremely in tune and work well together and other times I don't feel great coming out of the room.

A strange thing that occurred over the last week is that I ran into someone I know and some how T's name came up. This person said that my T has her own issues, but can still help others. Yikes! I know we all have our own issues, but I was rather shocked to hear someone we know in common say that about T. My best guess is that T has a drinking problem.

At my last session T and I were talking about boundaries because I asked her what the boundaries were on the homework help phone calls. I interpreted certain things to mean that I wasn't anything special to her. I was just another person in a line at the check out counter. In previous sessions though she has mentioned how she thought of me out of session when such and such reminded her of me. That melted my heart and made me feel cared for.
Hearing I'm not special to her in so many words hurt.

Well, I have another session in about a week. We'll see how that one goes.

Feeling special to your T can be like a sugar-coated poison pill sometimes though. It feels just awesome until you realize they are not supposed to be there to make you feel special. They are they to make you feel like you have the same inherent worth as everyone else, and to help you work through the things that are holding you back.

Sometimes I wish I were special to my T, but then I realize I am paying her to be steady and impartial and keep her own stuff out of the room. Then I'm just glad I'm getting the same great level of care from her as she gives all her clients.

Your T doesn't sound like the most consistent person ever, but I guess if you think you work well together most of the time, it might be worth dealing with it. What do you think?

Hi BLT-
I think the majority of the time we do work well together, so I think I will stick with her for a bit longer. I may also need her in court one of these days. I see her this week. I'm looking forward to it. I've been stressed out beyond belief and really need this appointment.
I hope she is in her kind and warm mood and not harsh with me. Communicating that to her right away as I enter would probably be a good idea.

thanks all....you have given me things to think about...

Hi Athenacus, thanks for updating. Can’t help but thinking it must be really difficult for you with your T being inconsistent in the way she presents in sessions. You have enough to deal with without having to be on guard against changes of mood and potential boundary crossings from your therapist.

What your mutual friend said would make me feel . I suppose it’s hearsay so you have to reserve judgement, but do you really think T has a drink problem? That would definitely not be conducive to inspiring trust!

I do get what you mean though by saying that you work well together most of the time, and that you may need her for practical stuff in the near future. I hope your session this week goes well .

LL

Hi

We'll see how my session goes today.

There is more to my therapy story that I'm not going to share here, because I've told some therapist friends of mine about this board and I don't want to give away all of my info here.

Update-I had my session-
It ended up ok, but not great. T right away started off on a topic that irritates us both.
Then, T seemed to not remember much about my story. I needed to remind her of several things. I understand that she has many clients and has a hard time remembering which thing is going on in which person's lives. I've also been seeing her for 2 years now though. After a few reminders she seemed to click in on my story, so then we started catching up. She seemed objective and cold in many ways. I felt that way too though.

We touched on some of my deeper issues, which she was happy to hear that I was ready to talk about today. She also pointed out that I need to eliminate some of my activities, because I said I was feeling tired and overwhelmed. She also made it sound like I'm depressed. Hmmmm....I know my monthly patterns, so I know I am usually down about this time of the month.
I am overwhelmed w/life circumstances and activities too.
I have to figure out which extra thing to drop.
ok...off to do homework before I pick up the kids from school and then to kid activities.