****Trigger warning**** Hugs in therapy and post-therapy relationship content included.
Monte, True North and Blackbird: Thank you for the well wishes for today. It meant a lot to me.
I had my session with my T earlier today. I’m feeling a lot better, but I’m still a bit overwhelmed by it all. I was so nervous that a lot of what I remember from the session is foggy, as I wasn’t totally ‘there’, if you know what I mean. I hate that!! She started out by asking me where I was. I told her I was in a better place than I was three weeks ago. I said I had gained some clarity and was feeling more grounded in reality. She said reality is about our own perceptions and I agreed and said I was just not so much in fantasy land anymore. I told her I was seeing our relationship better than I had.
She started saying something about how I put the people I have attachments to on a pedestal; I make the relationship unequal and put the other person in a higher position than myself. I idealize them and want what they have, want to be like them. I told her I agree, but the part she wasn’t seeing was that I want to be special or important to that person, I want them to give me what I didn’t get in childhood from my parents, and I have come to realize that no one can do that for me. While I was saying all that she had a look on her face that I interpreted to be one of a bit of confusion, but perhaps an attempt to understand fully what I was really saying. I think she may have finally 'got' what the whole issue for me has really been about.
I told her that her offer of a post-therapy relationship had caused me to wonder if I was special, and that all her other ‘offers’ had sort of hung on that offer, that I had assigned so much significance to those other things because of what I took her initial offer to mean about our relationship. I think what she thought I was referring to, the things I've been taking out of context, were the negative types of things I have put out there for her in the past, not so much the positive things (if you can call them that) that have made me wonder if I’m special. I could have made that clearer to her today, but feel like I made some headway in spite of not laying it all out there. She told me that I assign intent to things she says when there IS NO INTENT. She said I need to take what is said for what it is, nothing more. And if I have an issue with it, I need to speak up in the moment. I told her I struggle with that, but that I was seeing the value in it, and at the very least that I need to call her and clarify things with her post-session if I'm struggling afterwards.
She wanted to know what I want to get out of therapy. THAT is a question I couldn’t really answer on the spot. She wants me to give it some thought, although I told her that I need to work on myself and my very low self-esteem. I want to feel worthwhile. I’ve never really felt that before. I keep looking outward for what I need to develop within myself. She agreed that that is a good place to start.
She asked me to read from my journal. I didn’t want to. I’m not in the same place that I was when I wrote that stuff and it didn’t feel relevant anymore. I sat there for a while looking through stuff and then stopped on one page that I thought might have been okay. I just sat there in silence not wanting to read any of it. Eventually I just told her I didn't really want to read it to her. She asked me what had changed so much for me in the last 3 weeks, as she said my affect was brighter and I seemed to be quite a bit better off than I had been then, and I told her that I have just come to see things more clearly. I told her that I wondered if I had to ‘end’ therapy with her in order to feel safe enough to get some stuff out, step back and get a sort of different perspective on the relationship. She asked if it had been helpful and I told her it had. I have done a lot of reading both as a distraction but as a way to better understand myself and where I’ve been coming from. I told her that in retrospect I wonder if I was testing her to see how she would react to me leaving. I told her that the way she reacted was good for me in a way because she didn't chase me, try to convince me to stay, etc., and that had helped me see the reality of our relationship--I am not 'special'--and it helped me feel 'safe' with her knowing that she would do what I know she should do and not cross boundaries. She asked if the way she had acted had angered me. I told her no because it was something I needed to see. She asked me what she could have done differently when I was in the process of ‘ending’ with her that might have helped me more. I told her I didn’t know. I also told her that the fact that she acted okay with my leaving had hurt, but then seeing the tears in her eyes that final day told me it wasn’t a happy thing for her to have me leave. She didn’t say anything about that, but the look she had in her eyes as I told her that was enough for me to know that she was glad those tears had been there that day. If they hadn’t I think she knows she would have likely lost me as a patient. She told me ethically she can’t try to force or persuade someone to stay in therapy. She is to never harm, and if she does she is supposed to refer the patient elsewhere. She felt like I felt harmed by her 3 weeks ago, and she was offering to refer me because she just wants to do what’s best for me and felt like that was what I needed and wanted.
She said now she wants to work on helping me feel like her office and our relationship are a ‘safe place', as she has come to feel like I don’t really feel safe with her. Then she pointed to her chocolate stash on the console table and said she has a year’s supply of chocolate, extra clothes (in a big black trash bag which I assume are hers for an emergency), a blanket, pillows if I need to lie down and take a rest, etc. She was mostly being funny, but I understood that she wants me to feel safe in there, with her. She told me it was her safe place. I told her that I do feel safe and that is why I was there, why I came back, because I do feel safe with her. She said she was glad that I came back.
She pointed out to me that I self-sabotage by projecting my negative feelings about myself onto others; I want to put the responsibility for my feelings onto others and have them deal with them instead of dealing with the feelings myself. I see myself having done that in the letter I wrote her last. I was putting blame on her for the fact that I haven’t been able to make progress, when in reality my lack of progress is due to me not putting my issues out there. I can’t make progress if I don’t bring my ‘stuff’ to therapy!!
She asked if I do that in other relationships and I realized that I do that with my husband. And when someone says something that hurts or confuses me I don’t check out what they really mean and instead I assign my own meaning to the words or situations—-make them diabolical, hurtful and vengeful like I did about things I put in the letter I wrote her. Oops. I apologized for that, but she said it had to come out somewhere and better with her than somewhere else. She said she can take it. She needs and wants me to be completely honest with her from now on. No hiding. She will take what I say at face value so it had better be my truth, not a lie or what I think she wants to hear. She said I need to be true to myself, even if what comes out is ugly or hurtful. She wants it all so she can see what’s going on and so that I don’t hold stuff inside anymore and spin on that stuff. I’ve made such a mountain out of things in my head. She said she doesn’t censor everything she says. She can’t be that watchful of herself with me because then she feels she can’t really do therapy with me. She said she realizes though that she needs to be more consciously aware of what she says that might set me up to feel like I have felt in the past where I question the nature of our relationship and wonder how she feels about me, as she doesn't want to cause me more pain and confusion. She wants me to feel safe to say what I need to say. She asked me if we could start over and do this the ‘right’ way. I told her yes, and apologized again for putting on her all of my crap from the letter. I realize that a lot of what was in that was just my own stuff, not really hers.
She asked me if there was anything in the journal that I DID want to read to her, and I said I just wanted to shred it. She said that sounded like a good idea. She wants me to journal my successes with checking things out with people. When someone says something to me I need to check out my perception with the person if it makes me feel anything negative. Rather than assume I know what the meaning is behind the other person’s words or actions, I need to actually question them and then believe what they tell me, not assume they’re making stuff up. She said she will always give me the truth if I make the effort to ask the tough questions—-I deserve the truth and that is what she will give me.
She wants to do some EMDR with me on feelings/emotions that are bothering me, either with her or daily life stuff. I’m not so sure about how I feel about EMDR. She wants me to take what she says for what it is, or confront her if I’m not okay with it. I’m really seeing how important that is. Had I asked or confronted her about all the things I’ve been keeping tucked away in my head that have been eating away at our relationship, I would have been in a MUCH better place with my T, and with myself. Going into her office with problems that I’m hiding and telling her I’m fine has caused me to feel like a fraud with no integrity and that is NOT who I am. I see now how important it is to be my true self. In fact, my T said that she wants to see me as I really am—-the true self I’ve been hiding—-even if my truths seem silly or embarrassing or even if I feel like they might hurt my T. She can’t help me grow if I’m unwilling to let her see where I’m at and what I need to work on. So true.
As far as the post-therapy relationship is concerned, I don’t know if that’s still available or not, but my T told me again (like she did when she offered the post-therapy relationship) that sometimes she feels a connection to certain people and that if she had met those people outside of therapy (in her neighborhood, at church, book club, etc.) she would have been drawn to them and pursued a friendship with them. She said the nature of the therapeutic relationship is such that emotional boundaries are lowered for both parties because of the disclosing of such personal information (by both parties) that often there is just a connection that she feels with some people, and if they are both wanting to pursue a relationship outside of therapy (only after they have completed therapy with her and been discharged), which is sort of what I was saying I wanted when I told her ending therapy was terrifying me, she is okay with that and willing to engage in a relationship if she feels like that would be something that would work for both people. I also read in M. Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Traveled” that he has had personal relationships with ex-patients that were beneficial to both the patient and to himself. So I guess even ‘good’ Ts (and M. Scott Peck seems to me to be a really good psychiatrist/psychotherapist) see that there can be value and good, beneficial things that can come from a post-therapy social relationship. One thing I do know is that my T won’t cross boundaries with me, as she never has, and I also know that I can trust that she has my best interest at heart. I’m feeling safer with her today than I have ever felt, and that is a good thing.
At the end she told me that we could see some patterns now and things were getting clearer. I apologized to her again for the letter. She made some comment about it that I don’t remember, and then said, “If the foo shits, wear it.”
We both had a laugh over it. Wish I could remember exactly what was said that led up to that. I’m thankful my T has a sense of humor and a quick wit. She has a way of making me laugh even when I’m totally down and don’t think I CAN laugh.
When it was time for me to go, we both got up and I just started toward the door. I wasn’t expecting a hug, although I definitely wanted one. Then my T gently said, “Come give me a hug, MTF.” We had a good hug, and again I wish I could remember what she said while she was hugging me, but I don’t. I hate the disconnect that comes after a session, mostly because I know it lasts for 2 weeks and that feels excruciatingly long. I was just hanging onto her, trying to soak up as much of my T as I could from that hug before I had to let go and endure the next two weeks. As we started down the hallway she told me to burn the journal entries that were painful to me, because she knows if I don’t I’ll re-read them all and just beat myself up over everything that has happened. Then she told me they had graduation last night for the substance abuse support group she helps direct and that one of the guys that was graduating was a chef and he had made them tiramisu for dessert. She said he brought another one today for the entire staff and she stopped into the kitchenette on the way down the hall and asked me if I had ever had tiramisu. I said no, and she said last night had been the first time she had ever had it. She cut me a piece of it and stuck it on a plate. Then she had to go through every drawer looking for forks because the usual place was empty. She finally found some in the bottom drawer and said, “See. There’s another reason you shouldn’t assume things.” meaning that she had assumed she knew where the forks were but was wrong. Then she handed me the plate and finished walking me to the exit. She told me to take care and have a good weekend, and I said, “You, too.” I feel so much better now than I did going in, and I think it was worth putting my stuff out there. She always brings me back to earth and grounds me so that I’m not so ‘out there’. I love that woman. I’m grateful to have her as my T, even if she isn’t perfect.
MTF
In my mind, I have quit about ten times today. I just keep saying, "I can't do this anymore!!!"
