My T is back and I will see her again tomorrow. During her absence i had a couple of dodgy days at the beginiing when i felt really resentful and angry that she was off again, so soon after the last time, and then i had been ok, i had continued mynormal routine, teaching full time, and had managed a really traumatic event at work. She has texted me daily in her absence, sending smiles as I requested, and that has felt very supportive, but now I am beginning to feel anxious.

Tomorrow i will turn up unable to express my self, there will be no words, i wont tell her about work, i rarely tell her about my day to day life- there seems no need. i know that i have to go to the place where i feel bad.I have to rake it all up again, I have to go to those emotions which I don't want to experience; I will resist expressing them and I will come into conflict with my T, and eventually I might reach a place where I can feel nurtured by her, after I have raged, and fought against expressing anything - she says I have to let the feelings out, and I try but it seems like an automatic response to hold on to them, which ends up making the outbursts far worse.

So I think why am I going back, and yet I know that nothing would make me not want to go and see her.
I find this push and pull of my emotions really tiring, and wondered if anyone else experienced this.