I think I kind of owe everyone an apology. I really did think that the only reason I wasn't really around much was because I wasn't feeling well (which I really wasn't, I'm still not feeling completely better, that was one nasty virus.) and I can't tell you how much I appreciated everyone's care. But I also realized when I went to therapy yesterday (ok, it crept up on me gradually the closer I got to therapy) that I was really pulling back because of what I was dealing with. But I think it was so painful that I was really just trying to ignore it, 'cause I really didn't want to go there. I was feeling very needy and very young because of the stuff coming up and my reaction to that is to pull back and go into hiding so I can stay "safe." And I think the mom thread was really triggering for me so it was just easier, although unconsciously done, to fade into the woodwork.
In my last appt with my T, we talked about the phone call to my mom on Christmas day and my T really helped me sort it out and realize a lot of things about my relationship with my mom and the need to change it now that I had changed so much. But in order to do that I have to face and accept the reality of who my mother is. In order to do that I have to let go of the "relentless hope" that I can get what I've always wanted from her, what I didn't get as a child. But letting go of that hope, which I need to do to, brings me face to face, unavoidably (and trust me I tried to avoid it
) with the incredibly powerful, deep sense of loss over what I didn't get. So I have been shut down. Letting go of my expectations of my mother, seeing her for just who she is, is leaving me with a terrible sense of loss and grief. It hurts so much that sometimes the pain feels intolerable.I think I was staying away from it until I got to my appt yesterday because I needed to know I was safe. And I think I'm finally getting to my mom because I finally feel secure with my T. I wasn't willing to fact this loss until I KNEW I had someone to depend on. He was really clear about how I was feeling. I think the most important part was receiving affirmation that it really was difficult and that the amount of pain I'm feeling is appropriate to the loss. That the problem wasn't my needs, the problem was my needs not being met when they should have been. I was holding this in so tight, I think I couldn't talk and so the dearth of posting.
Near the end of the session he asked how I was doing and I told him that I was simultaneously soaking up feeling safe and contained while being scared that I had to leave soon and handle this on my own. His answer was really perfect. That of course that would call up feelings of getting a little and then being told I have to handle the rest on my own, that I could even be angry about that, and feel like how could he know what kind of pain I was in and still send me away? But that the connection would still be there, I could call, and I could know that he trusted me to be able to handle my feelings.
Its getting a lot easier to talk about however I'm feeling knowing he'll understand and accept it, even if it can't make a difference. I was even able to tell him that I just wanted him to fix this. I feel a lot better now, there's a sense of much less pressure and like I can talk again.
Of course I broke my own record and called him a mere nine hours after the appt.
And although I am grieving and the pain comes and goes there is a bedrock sense that I'm going to be all right and I can get through this. And that as painful as it is, I'm healing. In fact, my T told me on the phone last night, that the way I'm feeling is a sign that I am facing this. So I asked if I could run away. 
OK, we both agreed I had tried that and it didn't really work very well for me.So sorry about disappearing for a little while, I wish I could have been there more for everyone. But as you can see by the length of this post, I'm think I'm back.
You guys are the best.AG
)