(((HELD))))

Everyone needs a therapist. Wow, what they give us, all that undivided attention. Lap it up and enjoy!

Oh HIC, I'm going through a bit of the same thing. I stopped seeing T weekly last semester cos I felt like I was in a good place. I had also gotten way too dependent on her and needed to take the time to do stuff on my own. By the end of the semester I was doing really well but I had a bit of a rough break (bad break up, pastor passing away) but I tried to keep it together on my own. Well, it was a lot more stressful to take on then what I thought, so in one angry email I lashed out at T for not taking into consideration what I went through over the break and thinking everything was so fine with me when it really wasn't blah blah blah. Yeah, that was embarrassing cos I mean of course she couldn't know how bad I was taking everything when I wasn't being honest with her in the first place go figure right?

I thought weekly sessions would make me be clingy again so I asked for once every two weeks. It was ok but then lots of other things that I had kept hidden from everyone for years finally started to catch up with me and after much resistance, it came out to T last month. And because of the intense nature of that thing T and I both decided weekly was necessary for me again. It felt like I had regressed and I felt like T was disappointed in me for needing to see her weekly again. But then I realized, I am not the same person I was a year ago. Sure there are things that I need T to walk with me through, but it doesn't mean I can disregard all of my hard work; it just means I overcame a lot of crap, and I think I'll always have to overcome and walk through some stuff. Sometimes I'll be strong enough to do it on my own and other times Ill need a helping hand. This is just one of those times I need a helping hand. I think it takes some real courage to admit that we need someone to help us out still HIC.

I need to remind myself to assign value to my inner life. Sometimes I do and then when I ask myself why I'm in therapy I answer, "I am engaged in a process of intrapsychic transformation that my relationship with T is facilitating. I'm in the middle, obviously I can't quit now without disruptions and etc."

Other days I'm more externally focused, and I realize that I'm functioning decently well and not having any "symptoms" that bother me much-- but I know from experience if I lose track of T they will all flare up again. In a more pragmatic sense, I'm in therapy because I fall apart if I go too long without seeing my therapist. There is a part of me that is really annoyed by that.

Oops, cross posted, Diva. Thanks for what you wrote. . . it is very relevant and your perspective is encouraging.

(((Lies))) Hugs back at ya'. Yeah, that undivided attention is kind of addicting. No one has ever been as nice to me as T is. How could I not keep wanting to go back? But I can't do this forever. . .

(((HELD)))

quote:

(((Lies)))

Hope that wasn't a freudian slip.

quote:

But I can't do this forever. . .

1. Why not?

2. Has it been forever yet?

3. Who has to take care of you?

(((Lies e )))

quote:

Hope that wasn't a freudian slip.

lol, who knows? I hope not.

quote:

1. Why not?

2. Has it been forever yet?

3. Who has to take care of you?

1. Hmm, it might have something to do with the payment issue. I don't feel icky about paying for therapy while I'm actually using it for something that I'm clear with myself about-- personal growth, change, working through problems, or etc. I don't think of therapy as a business transaction only, but it is partly that, and I suppose I feel like I have to be making use of it in a certain way so that paying for T's time and expertise feels appropriate. I think I'm a little uneasy with the idea of paying to see T (at least on any regular basis) just because I'm attached to her. Does that make sense?

2. Nope. Although it's been a lot longer than I originally intended and not having an endpoint in view makes me anxious. Thinking about leaving makes me even more anxious. And that makes me mad.

3. No one, I guess? Or do you mean me? Is this a trick question? lol. Maybe you are suggesting that in place of all the shoulds and whys I could simply accept that I apparently need therapy for now, and I have a responsibility to meet that need for myself if I can. Perhaps that is so. It's harder for me to validate that, even just with myself, if there is not a tangible, external problem to point to. It was easier when I used to SI.

(((Irish)))

quote:

Why not give yourself a break, don't talk to yourself about the should of could of's, and just re-evaluate things 6 months down the road?

This actually sounds like pretty good advice! I don't know why I've been feeling this pressure lately to get my course in therapy figured out. I don't know if it's that I distrust T on some level (and whether or not that is well grounded) or if it's because there's something in the process I'm afraid of facing. It's also partly pressure from H. He thinks therapy has been useful for me but that I'm now using it as a crutch. He voices his discontent with this every few months or so now.

quote:

What do you think is driving the anger? Annoyance is, imo, a mild anger. Is there something in your relationship with your husband that might be behind this? Is he intimate with you (no I don't mean sexually)?

I am not sure what might be behind the anger other than the obvious dislike of dependency.

As far as H goes. . . emotional intimacy is not a big part of our marriage, although it has increased some in the last couple years, almost certainly a trickle down effect from therapy. I think both of us, when we got married, were looking more for things like companionship, family life, affection (and yes, sex), than an intense emotional connection or the experience of being deeply known. The emotional stuff is harder for me and part of what drew me to H originally was that he was a nice person and a "good" person while still being so emotionally oblivious. I could enjoy spending time with him and satisfy a desire for togetherness without my defenses being challenged.

That felt like a comfortable dynamic while dating. In marriage it's been different, because people grow farther apart, and resentments build up, and you wonder how relevant they really are to your true life. I realized part of the problem was he didn't know me all *that* well, but it turns out he's fairly infatuated with an image of me that is not entirely accurate. When I deviate from it, he becomes sulky and rejecting, which I have a really hard time with. A couple friends I've talked to have just told me to be more assertive, be more honest, "stand up for myself", but I don't think you can simply decide to do those things when the ego strength just isn't there yet? I guess therapy is helping with that, too, but it feels like slow going. Is it supposed to take this long?

I'm more fully real with T than I am with anyone else. Are you thinking I don't really "need" therapy as such, but I'm using therapy to fill needs that could ideally be met in my marriage? I could see that contributing to anger and/or annoyance for sure, although I hadn't really made the connection before now. Hmm. . .

P.S. Thanks you two for helping me process.