I am sorry you are in such pain and I do not think you are being weak or pathetic. This is a huge loss, like a death of sorts, and your grief is not wrong. I am sorry I have no useful advice to help ease the pain.

quote:

am sure you are all getting tired of me whining about my T moving. I am embarrassingly tired of me too. WTF is wrong with me? I feel so weak and pathetic because I cannot seem to handle this. It hurts so f-ing much. I can't breathe. All I can do is sob. In a ball. Why am I so weak? I cannot get it together. I can barely respond to anyone's posts and when I do I feel like a big fat hypocrite. I am so sorry I can't be any help to you all.

Seablue... this is NOT true. We are not tired of you at all... and neither is your T. And you are not whining you are talking about how you feel and what is happening with you which is the purpose of this board. And you have responded to my posts quite consistently and you just posted two very lovely and supportive posts as I was panicking about my files.

There is nothing AT ALL "wrong" with you, sea. You are grieving. This is what we do when we are in grief. We curl up in a ball, we cry, we become inarticulate, we feel helpless, we feel very frustrated and powerless and of course sad. I think the worst feelings for me were the powerless and frustrated feeling. I felt helpless and trapped in a horrible nightmare. I understand what you are going through, I really do. You are not weak at all. I expeienced all that you are experiencing now, would you say I was a coward??

And you are handling this even though you cannot see it now. You are reaching out here. You are being supportive of others, you are meeting with new T's (even if you didn't like them and felt upset at doing so). This takes extraordinary courage and strength. You will be okay but it will take some time. Don't try to rush it and allow yourself the luxury of grieving. It is healthier to do so than to repress it for another time.

sea... I don't know how people do this. I am not even sure how I did it... moving on to another T. But you will figure it out and all I can tell you is to keep moving. Gather your strength and meet a new T and then curl up and refuel for the next round until you find the T you are meant to do the next phase of your work with.

The best thing you can do is to keep posting here even if it's only to let us know how you are doing with this. And call your T if you need to. She is still your T.

Take care
Hugs
TN

I want to echo what TN says here. We are not tired of you. This pain is heavy. It would be heavy for any of us. There are those here who have experienced it before and others of us who only worry about it. Please keep posting if it helps at all to get it out. I hope you are able to call T if that will help too. I know it's hard to not just run away, but I'm sure she wants to help you.

((((((Seablue)))))) We are here for you..

Hi Sea,

I don't know why you're beating up on yourself. It's not like you asked for this to happen to you, or that you could have prevented it. Of course you're in pain. Grief is like that. I agree with everything TN and stoppers have said. Please don't think we're tired of you. You are going through a very agonizing and painful loss in your life, and I think anyone would be feeling the way you are if they were attached. I know the pain got so bad for me when I decided to leave my T in February that I just couldn't do it. It does feel like death is creeping in, or even that it would seem like a better option than going through the grieving process, but we're here to grow and learn through the struggles we face in life. Please be kind to yourself. I'm glad you have this place to vent and receive support, because I know it is badly needed under such circumstances.

Hang in there, Sea! Keep posting and allowing yourself to talk through this and work through the feelings. It's got to come out, and we're here to support you.

(((((Sea)))))

MTF

SeaBlue - So sorry that you are going through this. (())

So grateful for your replies. They are helping me feel less alone. Thank you.

So sorry for what you are being forced to go through, the grief, the loss, the anger, the confusion. I don't know how we do this, lose our T's - it hurts SO MUCH and I am so glad you can post here and tell us, lean on us and allow us to support you.

It is such a tough thing to go through. You are not alone, and some of us unfortunately have had to go through similar experiences. And I don't think any of us would say it was easy, I have never found losing a T easy, usually I go under for while.

((((SB)))))

I am not tired of you talking about your T moving....so please keep on posting as much as you need and as much as it helps.

Termination can be so painful. Its not going to be easy but I can promise you that it will get easier over time. I know that doesn't help right now but the pain you are feeling won't last forever.

Hey Sea-
You are doing exactly what you need to be doing- what you should be doing, and that is reaching out for help when you are in pain. We are here to give you and each other support. When we help you by listening and offering support, we are helping ourselves as well. So really - in effect- you are helping us. Get it?

I don't know you very well, and I can not imagine how hard being in your shoes really is, (although I am trying)I just know if I lost my T , I would be devestated and lost. It must be a very hard space to be in. You are brave for sharing your pain. Keep sharing and let us help you through this.

Many hugs ((((((((((Seablue))))))))))

I feel very undeserving of the kindness from all of you.

Thank you.

I am not as low as I was yesterday. I have been able to get out of bed today. Well...actually I was forced because my daughter woke up with the flu during the night and I have been doing laundry and disinfecting my house all day. eeeew.

Stoppers,
Thank you. Thank you for validating that losing my T is a huge loss and that grieving is normal. It is scary to be in such pain and when I received your reply, I knew I was not completely alone in that moment. Thank you.

TN, Lovely TN.
Cannot thank you enough. I know you are right when you say that this is what grieving looks like. It is difficult for me to believe that what I am doing is a "regular" part of the human experience. I try to remind myself everyday that others have survived and it helps a little. Still everytime the waves crash in, I am knocked to the ground. What is really scary is that she is not even leaving for another 2 1/2 months. What will I do when she goes??

quote:

I think the worst feelings for me were the powerless and frustrated feeling.

I can relae to this feeling. I know your abandonment was cruel and shocking, so I am not sure if that is what you are referring to. Lately I feel completely defeated, like I am watching her slowly slip away from me, unable to stop her, the way sand falls slowly through the fingers of an open hand and eventually it is all gone like she will be to me.

quote:

allow yourself the luxury of grieving. It is healthier to do so than to repress it for another time.

There is no doubt that I am finding this so difficult because I have always pushed pain away in the past. I have never sone this before and I feel like a complete freak. I don't have an experience of getting through pain like this and that makes me doubt my ability to survive it even more I am sure. T tells me I need to let the pain come and it will feel less overwhelming over time if I stop fighting against it. I know she is right but it's exhausting and feels so so bad.

yaku,
Thank you for saying you aren't tired of me and for validating the pain in this loss.

Kashley,
Thank you for the hugs.

MTF,
Thank you for your support and it's good to see you! I hope things are feeling better with T. I know you were struggling for quite a while.

Smiley,
Thank you for being here and for the hugs.

Sadly,
I am sorry you know how painful losing a T feels. Thank you for supporting me.

LG,
Thank you for saying you're not tired of me. It is nice to hear even if I can't fully believe it.

Mayo,
Thank you. I remember when you went through the big disconnect with your T last year. I followed it but don't think I posted much. Sorry. I am glad you were able to work things out with him. Thank you for saying I am brave.


This is definitely something I have always thought I would never ever have to deal with (even though losing my T has always been one of my biggest fears and I feel like on some level that I expected it) and never be able to survive and here I am in the middle of it. I have to face it and it is sooooo painful and soooo exhausting. It feels like when I lost my baby. I thought before it happened..."I can't imagine losing a baby," and then I was faced with it and forced to cope.

Tomorrow, I am meeting alone with the T I met last week (with my T), and scheduled and appt with a different T next week. Going through the motions.

I know the pain is being awakened by losing my T, but the pain is actually from unmet childhood needs. My T keeps reminding me that I survived the worst part which was my childhood. I know that it is true and I did survive a lot of pain as a child, but I coped then by dissociating. I am now trying to do it by facing it, something I just don't have much experience with.

Thank you again everyone. I am taking things one moment at a time. I appreciate your gentle words and giving me permission to grieve.

quote:

I know the pain is being awakened by losing my T, but the pain is actually from unmet childhood needs. My T keeps reminding me that I survived the worst part which was my childhood. I know that it is true and I did survive a lot of pain as a child, but I coped then by dissociating. I am now trying to do it by facing it, something I just don't have much experience with.

This bit really struck me as it was what my P said when I was going through losing my ex C.

I do remember thinking " well now I know what a heart breaking feels like - big time"

Dissociating does indeed mean that pain is reduced or alleviated and living through this pain will feel very hard. I was shocked by the level of pain I felt. I was stunned by it. So please keep remembering to take all the support you can from wherever you can find it. Here of course, as well.

Do take care. Keep posting.

Seablue,

I'm so sorry that I didn't see this until now. I agree with what everyone else has said. We are definitely not sick of you and we are here to support you as you go through this. I think you are coping as anyone facing a huge loss would be coping. It is a really significant loss and that means the pain is going to be significant as well. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please remember we are all here for you. (((hugs)))

Thanks STRM

Monte,
Thank you for your support.

quote:

It's the most awful and powerless place to be...just having to face the inevitable in slow-motion almost It is a replay of original childhood loss, but never-the-less the pain is NOW.

Yes. Thank you for getting it. And I am so sorry that you get it.
seablue