Butterfly,
I will respect any decision you make but please know that it's really ok to come here for support and to talk about whatever you need to. Each person here is capable of avoiding what they need to and only having to respond if they feel up to it. You're facing something very difficult and I hate to see you deprive yourself of support from people who can actually understand what you're going through. I hope you'll reconsider. But in either case, it's been good having you here if only for a short time, and please know that you're always welcome back whenever you want to come. Please take good care of yourself.

AG

Dear Butterfly, and dear member of this forum. I am so sorry that you are facing the hardest part of ending now.. But for all it is woth to you: I think you leaving this forum are for the wrong reasons.. I am sure everyone here would like to have the ability to help you trhough this painfull part- and i know for sure tht even if i dread my own therapy-ending, i wont be bad effected by your posters.. that is absolutely true. I think we all here are fully aware of that posters might be triggering, and yet- we keep comming here to read and to participate because even if we can relate to othesr pain, i think it is helpful as well.

quote:

I feel my being new here, it is not fair to impose that on others so feel it would be best to stay away for now,

quote:

You being new is not something that dismisses you from the rights to be here when your in pain. This IS WHY THE FORUM EXISTS! its for people who struggles with therapy-related stuff.

let this poster be mine "voice" of genuin wish that you will alllow yourself to stay here as long as you need to. And again: i am so sorry that you feel falling apart. Its very natural though.. and it will be better, time is on your side Butterfly. Let us be as well. And whatever you decide i respect of course. Whatever helps you- do that.
All the best.

Hi Butterfly,

I really want to wholeheartedly second what AG says here - you are very welcome to be here and to write about what you are going through, and to experience the support of those who are willing and able to give it. You enrich this place by adding your experience to it.

It is no doubt true that some people here find reading about endings triggering; some people find reading about good T relationships triggering; some people find reading about painful on-going T relationships of one sort or another triggering too. That pretty much covers the gamut. We are all learning how to process our own stuff. It's a bumpy ride sometimes, but trying to protect each other (or ourselves) by going away/not talking will lead us only into silence and isolation.

Everything - *everything* - this forum has to offer is available because someone took a risk and wrote what they felt and thought.

I hope we see more of you.

Jones

quote:

You being new is not something that dismisses you from the rights to be here when your in pain. This IS WHY THE FORUM EXISTS! its for people who struggles with therapy-related stuff.

Hear hear, Froggie.

nothing to add - just wanted to say I agree completely with AG, Frog, and Jones!

hope you consider coming back...

i joined in the middle of terminating and i didn't have anything to share to support anyone... still don't!

part of what helps me so much then, and now, is knowing i'm not alone - others have the simillar battles.

i respect your decision, and i really hope you come back...

miss ya already

Dear butterfly

Please stay if you feel that the forum could still offer you support and help. Your contributions have been very sensitive and I for one would miss you.

starfish

I also agree with what AG said and what to echo everyone else as well. I will respect any decision that you make, but I really wish that you would stay and seek out the support that you need.

Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many responses.
AG, Frog, Jones, JD, Starfish and STRM thank you all of you for saying it is ok to talk about my issues here, it makes me feel really accepted.

quote:

I think you leaving this forum are for the wrong reasons..

Frog maybe you are right maybe I would be as I so need some support right now (and as AG said I would be depriving myself of the support offered here) but I am not very good at seeking it out and at this point of time I fear rejection more than ever as even though I know my T isn’t doing so I can’t help but feel a little so.

Jones I know you are right and that there is always something on here that will trigger someone and if I want to stay maybe that is something that I will have to learn to accept.

JD and Starfish I didn’t think I had been here long enough to be missed so thank you for letting me know that I would.

I feel really sad because I don’t want to leave here but am scared that my posts will reflect how I am feeling. That sounds really wrong I know…guess I have never been good at sharing my ‘stuff’. I think I may have been a bit hasty in my decision to leave just feeling wobbly right now and most definitely don’t want to rub anyone up the wrong way. I will try and stay around for now but I know you will all understand if I feel I can’t. Thank you!

It took me a long time to build up a trusting relationship with my T and she is the first person I have really been able to talk to about me and who has understood me. I am sorry if it feels like I am not trusting you guys because I do! It is me I don’t trust because I feel like the only good in my life (my T) is over.

I thought I had got a grip on this when my T first told me she was stopping her work as I went to a very bad place and it was really scary for me but I came out the other side and thought that maybe that was it and I would be ok but am now starting to feel like I am in a dark place all over again and imagine it could only be worse as this time its not just her telling me, its actually happening! I am wanting time to standstill so that my last session never arrives and I don’t have to go through this pain. I also really want to share my fears with my T but at the same time don’t want her to be concerned about me when it is our last session. I feel like it needs to be as light as possible when that is totally the opposite of how I feel.

I'm just a bit of a mess at the moment.

Butterfly

Butterfly ~ glad to "see" you!

I think it makes a ton of sense to be more scared of rejection here when you are dealing with fears around ending with your T - and even if you were not dealing with that, you are so not alone in that.

quote:

I feel really sad because I don’t want to leave here but am scared that my posts will reflect how I am feeling. That sounds really wrong I know...

It just sounds... real - it's what you feel. I'm so sorry it's so scary to share.

My T says one of the main goals of therapy with her is to let a little more of "me" show up every time. It scares me so much to do that. With her, here, with anyone. Yet she says - take small steps. Just a little more. So I do. It gets easier, and sometimes a million times harder, and then easier again...

and it helps when there's more places I can go to - like here for support. It get's less scary. Sometimes more because it's harder to share anywhere - and then I pull back, but then I come back, and it gets even easier...

I'm so sorry you are in such a dark and awful place.

It's ok to post when you are a "mess."

It's ok to share what you can, and take small steps. It's ok to vent, it's ok to just be "messy" - none of which I think you are doing at all, just saying if that's what is scary, that's ok if all those things happen. And it's not an imposition on anyone.

quote:

When I joined it hadn’t really sunk in that I would shortly be ending therapy therefore I thought I would be ok dealing with it as I know that talking of endings on here is a very sensitive area – either others have been through their own painful endings or are not ready to end therefore not in a place to think about such things. But now it seems to be more of a reality for me and my final session is now this week I find myself falling apart in slow motion. The thought that anything I bring up in the session will not be able to be followed through is hurting so much. I feel my being new here, it is not fair to impose that on others so feel it would be best to stay away for now, I am not too sure, but I have really valued being a member here (even if only for a very short time) and hope that when I am in a better place I can offer to others.

It's ok if your stuff triggers others. It's not what any of us want - but it is each of our own jobs to handle that for ourselves... don't do my job for me. If you think you have something that might trigger others - you can say that at the top of the post, but outside of that, you can't take care of my triggers for me and I wouldn't want you to. I for one, have been through terrible ending with a T - and I actually find it helpful to hear of others, and yes, painful too, and yet even then, ***especially*** then, I want you to share what you are going through. If you don't then... not only do you not get support, but then others miss out too - like me, on the opportunity to support you.

I know it's really super hard to believe it's ok to share. I hope you keep sharing more, and sticking around, as you can, as you feel comfortable enough to do so.

Are you meeting with your T this week? Your last session? oh, I'm so sorry for having to face that...

and please know there is no pressure to answer any of my questions, that's ok too. And for whatever amount of what I have posted is off base, please just ignore. (I do tend to stick my foot in my mouth)

i'm so glad to "see" you.

many hugs and good thoughts for this time for you,
~jane

Dear butterfly

Oh what an awful predicament for you to be in. I can understand the not wanting to bring up difficult issues at the last session, no, that's not what I guess you had in mind as to how a last session should be, BUT I think it is more important to be true to yourself and your feelings right now, especially as they seem to be so powerful and emotive.

Butterfly honesty always seems to be the best policy in life, can you tell her your dilemma without going into detail even, and see where she suggests you take it then? If you just keep up the pretence, you are gong to be left in a difficult place afterwards and that feeling of not being true to yourself as well. Your T wouldn't want that I'm sure.

This is all easy for me to say - it's not happening to me I know - many thoughts for your butterfly as you go to your session and a gentle hug,

stsarfish

Butterfly - I'm sorry that you are feeling so stressed out. I haven't been talking much but I wanted to just chime in here. I know you are ending your therapy but do you really want to? If you are still having doubts than maybe you shouldn't. No one says that you have to do it today. Maybe you need a few more weeks to understand if it is really time for you. There's no harm in saying, maybe I should wait. I think your T would understand, don't you? Just my opinion, but if you still have some issues than maybe you should wait. I also think you should try to tell your T how you are feeling. The truth to her is important. I think she would want to know.

If I'm way out of line I apologize. It's just my wee thoughts.

Smiley

Hi Butterfly,
I don't have a lot of time right now but I wanted to post this in the hope that you'd see it before you went to your last appt (oh and I'm REALLY glad you posted about it!). If this were a normal relationship, you're wanting to spare her more pain would be understandable, if not commendable, but it's therapy not a normal relationship. Which means, even through the last appt, it's about your feelings. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it would be appropriate to walk in, and starting screaming and throwing things, but it's important that you are able to express any and all of your feelings about the ending. I know you are choosing to leave before she's done practicing to exercise a measure of control, but this ending was driven by your therapist's leaving practice and she has to be aware of what that could evoke in her clients. There are no rules as to how this should go, so you don't have to conform to anything.

I'm afraid I don't know too much about your background, so take or leave this. For neglected or abused children, the relationship with their parents which should have been all about the child's needs, often became about the parents needs (that's what abuse is, a parent using a powerless child to express their own rage or shame or powerlessness). We fall back into that dynamic so easily. So you're worrying more about how your therapist is going to handle this last appt than how you're going to can be a repeat of an old dynamic, a dynamic that you're in therapy to correct. That's why the setup is so weird, it's so we can repeat this type of relationship but this time with appropriate boundaries and focus.

Last but not least, I did some of that with my first therapist, refrained from saying some things hoping to make it easier for her. I've always regretted it and wish I had spoken up. It can sometimes feel like the last thing I did was lie to her and I hate that.

It's definitely your call and I would absolutely respect any decision you make (you know both yourself and your therapist better than I do) but I would urge you to speak up about this stuff. I understand your desire to not hurt your therapist, you really care about her. But she's a therapist and has her own resources to meet her needs.

No matter what you do, please let us know how it goes!

AG

PS NO triggering here!

Thank you Starfish, I think she knows what my dilemma about the last session is as she was the one who brought it up which was what shocked me as I thought that would never come up again with her. Oh well. She probably also knows how bad I will take the ending too….an hour just doesn’t seem long enough to share issues on a normal basis let alone a last session.

Nice to ‘meet’ you Smiley. No I don’t want to end therapy!! Firstly I have wanted to end for a while because I have trouble dealing with my attachment to T and secondly she told me she is stopping at the end of the year, so yes I could carry on for a bit longer but it is a case of me wanting to leave her before she leaves me.
You are not at all out of line, thank you for your thoughrs and yes the truth is important but it also doesn’t seem right.

I guess I won’t know until I get there what does come up as no matter how much I try and plan it never works. I am just panicking at the moment

Butterfly

Hi Butterfly

Just wondering how the session went for you? Sending thoughts your way,

starfish

Thank you for asking Starfish and thank you for your thoughts.

My mind was completely blank and I spent half the session in silence which I fully regret (I have many regrets about that session) but the thought that that was the last time I was going to see her was just so overwhelming I couldn’t think of anything else. I feel so alone at the moment without my T as she was the only one who I felt cared for and understood me and I am silently hurting inside as no one around me knows of the loss I am feeling. I have being trying to carry on as normal and every time I feel myself thinking of it (which is a lot) I try so hard not to as I don’t want to have a complete meltdown – I know I will have to let myself feel the full force eventually as I am probably making it worse...but I don’t have my T to share my pain with if I do and I used to feel safe in the knowledge that if I did fall apart I could take it to her. Even just thinking about her tears me up. It feels really lonely and I hope it can only get better with time.

Butterfly

(((((Butterfly)))))

my heart goes out to you. be kind to yourself. I had a horrible ending with my T, and I never thought I would get past it... it does get easier over time...

keep posting as it helps you.

when I had to end with my T, I never had an ending session and honestly, I don't think I could have handled it at all. I would have been way to freaked out and upset about the idea of seeing her for the last time to even be in the room.

You are very brave and you did a very hard thing and endings are painful.

I wish I had words to make th pain easier or lighter, please know you are amazing and string and vcery courageous and you not alone in this.

~jane

(((Butterfly)))

I am so sory it was such a hard ending - did your T pick up on any of your hurt? Was there any offer of contact should yo need it, or would that feel impossible? I can imagine how very alone you feel with all of this right now, it's so hard when nobody else knows the extent of your pain. But you have people here who care and can try to understand how hard it is, I don't know if that might help just a tiny bit,

starfish

Butterfly... I'm so sorry you are in pain and feel so alone. I can honestly say that I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard when we have grieved our losses in our lives with our Ts and they know us so well we don't even have to explain much of how we feel or why. They just know. So now where do we go with this awful pain when it's the loss of our T that we are grieving? We feel lost and alone.

I have said over and over that it is that profound sense of aloneness that is so painful to me. So isolating because no one on the outside understands the loss. There is no dead body to mourn, no one died. In my case I feel as if I was the one who died. I have lost myself and I feel broken apart and shattered into a million tiny fragments. If you try to explain people look at you and think... it was only her therapist and no one died.

But know that those of us here who have lost Ts by termination can truly understand. I'm sorry I'm so in despair that I have no hopeful words for you except to say that I understand and am thinking of you.

Hugs
TN

Thank you so much for your kind and caring responses, it is so nice to know that there are people out there who know how it is to feel the loss of a T as I am feeling like I am so pathetic for feeling like I do. It isn’t something that is explainable to people who haven’t been there and there are very few people in my life who even knew I went for therapy in the first place. There are so many things in my daily life that are a constant reminder of my therapy that shouldn’t be, I think because I focused so much on my therapy a lot of things seem to revolve around it so it feels empty now but I guess on a positive note there is also the opportunity for new things.

JD, thank you for saying I am brave, that is certainly not how I feel though and think it may have been best not to go for that final session because as I was sitting saying nothing inside I was screaming because I knew that it not how I wanted the session to go but yet I didn’t have the words, it just didn’t feel right to end that way and even though it hurts so much I am grateful that it wasn’t a horrible ending like it sounds like you and so many others have experienced. Thank you so much for your comforting words they do help to ease my pain. I have been thinking of you too as I know you have recently experienced a loss.

quote:

did your T pick up on any of your hurt? Was there any offer of contact should yo need it, or would that feel impossible?

Starfish, my T knew how hard it was for me to be there and how much I was hurting but we didn’t really talk about it, I guess she didn’t want to talk about things that would be painful for me and I guess I wasn’t brave enough to tell her the extent of how I was feeling…I think that is why I turned to silence. It is so hard to know what to do in the moment and hindsight is such a wonderful thing.

We didn’t talk of contact, I assumed that as she is stopping her work with clients soon that it wouldn’t be appropriate, even if she wasn’t I think if she is no longer my T it is not fair of me to contact her. She has give me the names of a few therapists she would recommend but it is so hard to imagine working with anyone but her and am not sure I would be able to go through the pain of letting someone get close again.

Yes it does help to know there are people here who understand, but I feel so apprehensive when posting about myself…I would much rather post on other peoples threads and feel really sad at the minute that I haven’t felt in a place where I have been able to do that. I would like to support so many others who I know are struggling at the moment but just don’t have the words at the minute and hope that within time I will be able to do so again.

Thank you for your care Starfish!

TN, it means so much to me that you would think of me when I know you are going through a tough time yourself, I read what your T did to you and I really feel for you and I am so glad you are posting again.

quote:

I have lost myself and I feel broken apart and shattered into a million tiny fragments

TN, this is so powerful, your pain really shows through and I really hope that this new T of yours will be able to help you put all of these tiny fragments back together again. I have really admired your strength at finding someone else and I know that this is probably not how you see it because as you say you are in so much ‘despair’ and I wish I were in a better place so I could say something to help you through. I am thinking of you too.
Yes the grief of losing a T is so lonely and there are so few who understand the grief that goes with it. I find it hard knowing that my ‘routine’ I had for my session days will never happen again. I used to always feel nervous just before my appointments and I will even miss that.
You don’t need to provide me with hopeful words your thoughts when you are going through so much are truly touching. Thank you!

I am really grateful to have found a site where others can understand what I am going through and at the same time it makes me feel really scared but I have gained a lot of comfort from reading here. I have thought about using one of the T’s mine recommended but I think my main issue at the moment would be the loss I feel…but I am hopeful that I will come through this a stronger person.

Butterfly