Feeling lost, alone, hopeless. Like a failure to my kids, my parents, my P, myself.
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Holding On,
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad this weekend. Remember, it is just a feeling. Just because you feel that way doesn't make it true. I know it is hard to feel that way in the meantime. (((hugs)))
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad this weekend. Remember, it is just a feeling. Just because you feel that way doesn't make it true. I know it is hard to feel that way in the meantime. (((hugs)))
(((((((((Holding On))))))))))
You're not alone and you're not a failure!
I recently wrote a poem when I was feeling like that and I'll share some of the last lines with you, hoping it helps. It had a mixed meaning for me, but hopefully you hear the positive of side of it:
...tell me what is
lost except not choosing
which way to try next?
As long as you are still searching, trying, choosing to take a next step, even if it ends up being a step in the wrong direction, you can never, ever be lost on your journey!!! Much love and many prayers your direction!
You're not alone and you're not a failure!
I recently wrote a poem when I was feeling like that and I'll share some of the last lines with you, hoping it helps. It had a mixed meaning for me, but hopefully you hear the positive of side of it:
...tell me what is
lost except not choosing
which way to try next?
As long as you are still searching, trying, choosing to take a next step, even if it ends up being a step in the wrong direction, you can never, ever be lost on your journey!!! Much love and many prayers your direction!
(((((((holding on)))))))))))
Im sorry to hear that you are in a dark place this weekend. You are not alone, I can assure you of that. As for feeling lost and hopeless...can you say more about that? What specifically are you hopeless about?
Im sorry to hear that you are in a dark place this weekend. You are not alone, I can assure you of that. As for feeling lost and hopeless...can you say more about that? What specifically are you hopeless about?
It's sort of a long story, but involves my adult kids, my P and my out of control emotions.
I know this is going to sound silly to some of you but what happened to trigger all of my emotions and negative feelings is that my daughter's boyfriend of 5 years broke it off with her. I actually think it is for the best but I get so emotional when my kids are troubled and sad--totally out of control. I can't really tell her that I'm sort of ok with the break up since she is so distraught. We talked for a while and I felt that I said everything wrong and have pushed her away from me. Very painful, as we have a very close relationship.
I drank too much, took some muscle relaxants. I was hysterical crying (very out of character for me)and went to bed early. While lying in bed I called my P on his urgent line. He called me back apparently but the next morning I had no recollection of our conversation. I wouldn't have even know that we talked except that my phone told me I had had an incoming call from him the night before. I realized than that he had called.
Well, I was a little panicy because I couldn't remember anything that was said, so I called him AGAIN!!! He called me back and when I told him that I didn't remember any of the conversation, he was really concerned and I think upset with me. He knows I had been drinking but I didn't tell him about the pills. Don't know if I will.
Because I get so emotionally out of control, I just feel like a failure. I can't seem to say the right things to help my daughter in her crisis.
That is why I feel hopeless.
My P is supposed to call me if he gets an opening for this week. I'm not gonna hold my breath. In the meantime, I am trying to sort out all of my feelings by myself and control myself. Something that is very difficult for me.
I need him to tell me what to do, what to say, how to act. I'm a failure.
I know this is going to sound silly to some of you but what happened to trigger all of my emotions and negative feelings is that my daughter's boyfriend of 5 years broke it off with her. I actually think it is for the best but I get so emotional when my kids are troubled and sad--totally out of control. I can't really tell her that I'm sort of ok with the break up since she is so distraught. We talked for a while and I felt that I said everything wrong and have pushed her away from me. Very painful, as we have a very close relationship.
I drank too much, took some muscle relaxants. I was hysterical crying (very out of character for me)and went to bed early. While lying in bed I called my P on his urgent line. He called me back apparently but the next morning I had no recollection of our conversation. I wouldn't have even know that we talked except that my phone told me I had had an incoming call from him the night before. I realized than that he had called.
Well, I was a little panicy because I couldn't remember anything that was said, so I called him AGAIN!!! He called me back and when I told him that I didn't remember any of the conversation, he was really concerned and I think upset with me. He knows I had been drinking but I didn't tell him about the pills. Don't know if I will.
Because I get so emotionally out of control, I just feel like a failure. I can't seem to say the right things to help my daughter in her crisis.
That is why I feel hopeless.
My P is supposed to call me if he gets an opening for this week. I'm not gonna hold my breath. In the meantime, I am trying to sort out all of my feelings by myself and control myself. Something that is very difficult for me.
I need him to tell me what to do, what to say, how to act. I'm a failure.
Holding On,
It's understandable that you're upset BUT I do want you to put down the hammer you're beating yourself up with and step away from it for at least a little while.
When I wrote what happened, I didn't see a failure, I saw a woman in so much pain that she is desperately trying to handle. And like any human in enough pain, you reached for anything that would work.
You talk about being a bad mother, but you cared enough to be there for your daughter and talk about what happened, you didn't just ignore what she was going through. For people whose own parents failed them, our worst nightmare is to in turn do that to our kids, so we can often set ridiculously high standards. When someone loses a relationship of that long a duration there really isn't much you can say. But you were there trying. And I can hear that so much of your pain grew out of the feeling you failed your daughter. I would have had a drink too.
And you're recognizing that you probably didn't make the best choice with the drinking and muscle relaxants, but here's the thing: you realized it, your facing up to and taking responsiblity for your behavior, which takes a lot of courage, especially in the place you are right now. You cannot wind back the clock and change what you did, you can only go forward and try to do it differently next time.
And I don't think your P is upset WITH you so much as he's concerned FOR you. When we care about someone, we don't like to see them doing things which could hurt them.
I know that the hatred you're feeling for yourself is very real right now, but you need to know you don't deserve it. No one should be hated for simply being human.
(((((Holding On)))))))
AG
It's understandable that you're upset BUT I do want you to put down the hammer you're beating yourself up with and step away from it for at least a little while.
When I wrote what happened, I didn't see a failure, I saw a woman in so much pain that she is desperately trying to handle. And like any human in enough pain, you reached for anything that would work.
You talk about being a bad mother, but you cared enough to be there for your daughter and talk about what happened, you didn't just ignore what she was going through. For people whose own parents failed them, our worst nightmare is to in turn do that to our kids, so we can often set ridiculously high standards. When someone loses a relationship of that long a duration there really isn't much you can say. But you were there trying. And I can hear that so much of your pain grew out of the feeling you failed your daughter. I would have had a drink too.
And you're recognizing that you probably didn't make the best choice with the drinking and muscle relaxants, but here's the thing: you realized it, your facing up to and taking responsiblity for your behavior, which takes a lot of courage, especially in the place you are right now. You cannot wind back the clock and change what you did, you can only go forward and try to do it differently next time.
And I don't think your P is upset WITH you so much as he's concerned FOR you. When we care about someone, we don't like to see them doing things which could hurt them.
I know that the hatred you're feeling for yourself is very real right now, but you need to know you don't deserve it. No one should be hated for simply being human.
(((((Holding On)))))))
AG
Still waiting for P to call me with an appointment time. Constantly have this anxious feeling. I wish he would call. I'd still have that anxious feeling but for a different reason--I'd have to talk about all the stuff that happened last weekend and I'd be anxious about that.
GRRRRRR
GRRRRRR