I am barely keeping it together tonight. I am grateful that my brother was here to take my daughter to her sleepover so she wouldn't have to see me like this. I thought I had been making some progress in therapy and then one crisis sends me right back into childhood mode and I can't choke back the tears. I have no one I can talk to about this because none of my friends no the entire soap opera story of my family. Some know parts, but it's too much to try and explain it all when all I really need at this moment is to not feel so alone and rejected. Why is it that even as an adult I let my father's mean rejection of me hurt so much? For the last 7 months he's supported another brother of mine and his psychopathic wife in forbidding to let me see my niece and nephew. This is not the first time I've been dead to them. It happened a few years ago and I was dead to them for almost a year. Both times have been because I wouldn't lie and choose her side in going to court for custody of her older son, who's father is my best friend. I had been friends with her and him way back when and she started fooling around with my then teenaged brother. She lost primary custody the first time around and this past June she was in contempt of court and now only gets two supervised visits per month. So she's rallied my brother into hating and blaming me because I am still friends with my friend and his new wife. My brother is so messed up himself that he keeps her around even though she's a meth addict, mean, thief. She's stolen thousands of dollars from him multiple times and has been fired from every job for stealing. 

Fast forward to today. My brother texted me and asked if my daughter and I would stop by on Xmas. I sat with it for awhile and texted back that we would. My dad then called and said to bring my daughter over to his house later and we could both see my niece. I should have known it was too good to be true. About a half hour before we were going to leave my brother's wife sends me these mean texts forbidding me to go to my fathers and I better not see my niece. She says she's still mad and resentful and I should have thought about the older nephew who she now only gets to see twice a month. Still jabbing at me like it' all my fault and she's just an innocent victim. I called my dad to tell him I guess the plans were off. He was at her house and had to know she was texting me. When I wanted to tell him I was hurt he starts yelling at me about making assumptions and that he's tired of the whole situation and everyone getting after him about it. Then he hung up on me. My nice brother was still at my house and he's as mad as I am about my dad's constant lying and manipulation. He called him and my dad hung up on him too. Then he texts me so I text him back and thank him for standing up for me, his daughter....which is being sarcastic but by then I was already hooked in the game. He calls me yelling and I start crying but he doesn't care. I'm trying to tell him how it hurts that he always backs her and let's her treat me like crap but he's yelling that he deserves respect and he's tired that us other people just can't work things out. He's the one who keeps it going! He's so self absorbed I don't even know if it's truly that he believes all his lies or he's such a sociopath he doesn't care. He has no conscience. He's never made me feel loved or like my existence mattered. He had 5 kids and only supports one, the messed up one. My T says it's not that he only loves the one brother and not the rest of us, it's that he's a psychopath and chose that one brother because he fits in his game. It still sucks that it hurts me so much! I don't want  it too. I don't want to care if he loves me or not because I know he doesn't. I just want to see my niece and nephew who I love and miss so much. But then I also know that once I get to see them again this round,they'll yank them from me again in the future when it suits their game. That's not fair to me or the kids. I don't even know what to do logically let alone with all these emotions rolling around inside. This sucks so bad. Maybe just writing this all down will help......