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yes, this is a slippery slope indeed.
I can sort of see where he is coming from...he is your support and if you won't/don't reach out to him, he is wanting you to have other people you can reach out to which would be his motive for telling your friends/family of your SI tendencies.
However, I can see how it would feel like emotional blackmail from your perspective. I don't think, however, that he is wanting to use this as a punishment, but is instead wanting to build up other people for you to reach out to.
the good thing about this is that your T obviously cares enough about you that he is willing to go such lengths to keep you from SI. That says a lot!
I can sort of see where he is coming from...he is your support and if you won't/don't reach out to him, he is wanting you to have other people you can reach out to which would be his motive for telling your friends/family of your SI tendencies.
However, I can see how it would feel like emotional blackmail from your perspective. I don't think, however, that he is wanting to use this as a punishment, but is instead wanting to build up other people for you to reach out to.
the good thing about this is that your T obviously cares enough about you that he is willing to go such lengths to keep you from SI. That says a lot!
Hi Lizzygirl,
Agree with LadyGrey on this one. His caring is amazing. And I know that for me, personally, that there are things that I have shared with my T but not with anyone else. And just trusting him with that was hard enough. But to share it with others would be just too much for me now. You have the absolute right to tell him that you are not ready to share this information with these other people and you cannot agree to this.
Tell him your concerns about contacting him and him not getting back to you and how you'll feel rejected. Maybe you can work something out around that instead of the letter idea.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
Agree with LadyGrey on this one. His caring is amazing. And I know that for me, personally, that there are things that I have shared with my T but not with anyone else. And just trusting him with that was hard enough. But to share it with others would be just too much for me now. You have the absolute right to tell him that you are not ready to share this information with these other people and you cannot agree to this.
Tell him your concerns about contacting him and him not getting back to you and how you'll feel rejected. Maybe you can work something out around that instead of the letter idea.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
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Lizzygirl ~ sorry about my earlier messed up post. I was wanting to respond, but mixed up screens.
I wouldn’t worry too much about reading into the question you wrote. I would take that question just as you meant it. Your T should know context is often lost on email.
I have mixed feelings about the letter your T wanted to bargin for - well mostly about the way he went about it. It is a good goal, just feels like a crummy way to go about it. Maybe he could have phrased it more like: if contacting him isn't a coping skill you can use, then to try contacting family or friends... or other coping skills...
I’m very glad you promised to call your T before SIing and are going to give it a try. I can really understand your fears too - I have struggled with SI too.
You are right about Si possibly being addictive. It can be not only psychologically addictive, but even physically/biochemically addictive. It took me awhile to reach out for support, and it is really hard, but it is really important you do.
One way to look at the old idea of the letter in maybe a different way, is that if you can’t reach out to him before SIing, then you will add more people you can at least contact and say you are struggling, and ask them for help – even without having to tell them of the SI – or even just practice calling a friend as a coping skill in and of itself. Most people SI as a way to cope with intense overwhleming feelings. Over time - we have to learn other ways to handle those intense feelings, much like people who are struggling with an addiction do. I have a friend, and she is one of very few who know about my SI. She doesn't SI, but she had struggled with prescription addition in the past. Ebough though I have never struggled with any drug or chemical addiction - we have a lot in common. We are both learning how to feel our own emotions again and handle them without using crappy coping skills of drugs or self injury. So yeah, there are a lot of things that can be simillar to an addiction, and recovering from one.
I have sometimes felt the urge to SI, and quickly called a friend just to ask them how their day was, or just to talk, or even texted a friend (when things were to emotionally intense for me to call). Sometimes I would just send a text to say hi… (so to speak) and sometimes I would say I was having a crummy day and ask how their day was. At first it seemed stupid to try this but over time, it became a good distraction for me. And yeah, I would even call in tears and tell a friend I was having a really hard time emotionally, and would tell them just talking for a couple of minutes might help me “get through a tough moment.” I would contact friends that I contacted before those “tough moments” happened. I had told them in advance that I was dealing with some stuff (and I was vague) and asked them if I included them on a list of people I could call if I was in a tough spot to help distract me. It helped my friends know what I needed (and didn’t need) – and this made them safer and easier for me to reach out to. (I was actually surprised by this.) It helped me build more support even when I couldn’t face all my fear in telling people about the SI.
For me, agreeing to do anything before self inuring was very hard because sometimes it would all come on so fast. The urge and impulse to SI can come on so intense and fast, my T and I had to define success as even delaying it for 2 minutes. Literally. At first, if I still SIed in the end, I felt like I failed – but my T kept encouraging me that no, even just delaying acting on it for 2 minutes longer than I would have otherwise, that is success. She was adamant that even if I SIed in the end, it was still partial success and progress forward every minute I waited. Now, I understand why. Those 2 minutes have added up and over time, I was able to get through urges to SI, by taking it 2 minutes at a time. The urge itself also changed – my experience of being overwhelmed by feelings is qualitatively different than it used to be. The intense feelings come on a lot more slowly… My T explained why, and I’m not sure I can explain it well right now. SI is still a battle for me, but one that has become so much better.
Your T cares a lot about you. Have you talked to him about your fear of feeling dependent on him? For me, learning to not SI and breaking that pattern, has been partly about learning to trust my T enough to say “I am struggling and I want to SI and I don’t know what else to do.” Your T wants to know so he can help in the moment, and also so he can understand better. The more you talk to him, the more it will help in the long run. It was really great for you to write him about what you experience before you SI.
I know that it feels really risky to call your T before you SI. It is really hard to reach out when I have the urge to SI – but even when I can’t reach my T or a friend in time, it still has helped me to tell my T I had the feelings.
This is just some of my personal experince and none of this may be helpful at all. It may all just totally miss the mark (sorry if it does). I do hope you keep reaching out and keep taking steps to trust your T with a little more and more, just like you are. It takes a ton of courage - you are doing really good work. Keep hanging in there,
~jane
I wouldn’t worry too much about reading into the question you wrote. I would take that question just as you meant it. Your T should know context is often lost on email.
I have mixed feelings about the letter your T wanted to bargin for - well mostly about the way he went about it. It is a good goal, just feels like a crummy way to go about it. Maybe he could have phrased it more like: if contacting him isn't a coping skill you can use, then to try contacting family or friends... or other coping skills...
I’m very glad you promised to call your T before SIing and are going to give it a try. I can really understand your fears too - I have struggled with SI too.
You are right about Si possibly being addictive. It can be not only psychologically addictive, but even physically/biochemically addictive. It took me awhile to reach out for support, and it is really hard, but it is really important you do.
One way to look at the old idea of the letter in maybe a different way, is that if you can’t reach out to him before SIing, then you will add more people you can at least contact and say you are struggling, and ask them for help – even without having to tell them of the SI – or even just practice calling a friend as a coping skill in and of itself. Most people SI as a way to cope with intense overwhleming feelings. Over time - we have to learn other ways to handle those intense feelings, much like people who are struggling with an addiction do. I have a friend, and she is one of very few who know about my SI. She doesn't SI, but she had struggled with prescription addition in the past. Ebough though I have never struggled with any drug or chemical addiction - we have a lot in common. We are both learning how to feel our own emotions again and handle them without using crappy coping skills of drugs or self injury. So yeah, there are a lot of things that can be simillar to an addiction, and recovering from one.
I have sometimes felt the urge to SI, and quickly called a friend just to ask them how their day was, or just to talk, or even texted a friend (when things were to emotionally intense for me to call). Sometimes I would just send a text to say hi… (so to speak) and sometimes I would say I was having a crummy day and ask how their day was. At first it seemed stupid to try this but over time, it became a good distraction for me. And yeah, I would even call in tears and tell a friend I was having a really hard time emotionally, and would tell them just talking for a couple of minutes might help me “get through a tough moment.” I would contact friends that I contacted before those “tough moments” happened. I had told them in advance that I was dealing with some stuff (and I was vague) and asked them if I included them on a list of people I could call if I was in a tough spot to help distract me. It helped my friends know what I needed (and didn’t need) – and this made them safer and easier for me to reach out to. (I was actually surprised by this.) It helped me build more support even when I couldn’t face all my fear in telling people about the SI.
For me, agreeing to do anything before self inuring was very hard because sometimes it would all come on so fast. The urge and impulse to SI can come on so intense and fast, my T and I had to define success as even delaying it for 2 minutes. Literally. At first, if I still SIed in the end, I felt like I failed – but my T kept encouraging me that no, even just delaying acting on it for 2 minutes longer than I would have otherwise, that is success. She was adamant that even if I SIed in the end, it was still partial success and progress forward every minute I waited. Now, I understand why. Those 2 minutes have added up and over time, I was able to get through urges to SI, by taking it 2 minutes at a time. The urge itself also changed – my experience of being overwhelmed by feelings is qualitatively different than it used to be. The intense feelings come on a lot more slowly… My T explained why, and I’m not sure I can explain it well right now. SI is still a battle for me, but one that has become so much better.
Your T cares a lot about you. Have you talked to him about your fear of feeling dependent on him? For me, learning to not SI and breaking that pattern, has been partly about learning to trust my T enough to say “I am struggling and I want to SI and I don’t know what else to do.” Your T wants to know so he can help in the moment, and also so he can understand better. The more you talk to him, the more it will help in the long run. It was really great for you to write him about what you experience before you SI.
I know that it feels really risky to call your T before you SI. It is really hard to reach out when I have the urge to SI – but even when I can’t reach my T or a friend in time, it still has helped me to tell my T I had the feelings.
This is just some of my personal experince and none of this may be helpful at all. It may all just totally miss the mark (sorry if it does). I do hope you keep reaching out and keep taking steps to trust your T with a little more and more, just like you are. It takes a ton of courage - you are doing really good work. Keep hanging in there,
~jane
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Hi lizzygirl... I'm glad you were able to be so open with your T and shared the post of Jane's. It is such a positive thing to know that our Ts care about us and that they are truly invested in our healing.
Your feelings for him may be a good topic for discussion at some point when you are feeling comfortable enough to bring it up. If he's a good T he will be accepting of all your feelings while keeping the appropriate boundaries. Discussion of those feelings may take you to other insights and healing connections that will further your therapy and solidify the therapeutic relationship. And as Irving Yalom a noted P says... it's the relationship that heals.
Best to you,
TN
Your feelings for him may be a good topic for discussion at some point when you are feeling comfortable enough to bring it up. If he's a good T he will be accepting of all your feelings while keeping the appropriate boundaries. Discussion of those feelings may take you to other insights and healing connections that will further your therapy and solidify the therapeutic relationship. And as Irving Yalom a noted P says... it's the relationship that heals.
Best to you,
TN
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