hi AG:
Holidays are very hard for me. I lost a very important figure in my life at Christmas and the memories are huge this time of year: All the smells, the music, all the hype...

I can't see my T for 4 more weeks(it's already been 2 weeks). I am really struggling today because I REALLY REALLY want to contact him. But I am trying to be strong. I may discuss terminating my therapy at the next visit. I can see lots of progress. I don't want to not see him again, but I am not knowing what to do with the tansference issue. I think that may be the only reason I am still going...

we seiin our therpst on friday, then we meetin shrinklady and her onsatday, den we having holidays for two weeks.

samy

Hi Samy! It's good to hear from you. Sounds like you will have quite a full weekend. Are you going to be in and out for the two weeks or will we have to wait to hear from you until you get back? I hope you have a good time.

As for me being a basket case: My T is out of town all next week... AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! NOT AGAIN! Ok, it's just one week, you can do this. Does re-traumatize mean _anything_ to her?

Ok, not really. I think I will be ok this time, but thanks for starting the thread a little early AG. I am sure it will be quite the hot spot over the next week.

And ((((((AJB)))))). It sounds like you are really struggling. The decison to terminate is not an easy one even when "it's time." So my heart goes out to you. You really feel that you've dealt with all the issues you needed to deal with? (I wonder what that's like) It's true that sometimes you do have to move on, but I hope it is because you really do feel a sustainable and positive shift in your life. I hope you will make your way back here from time to time though and at least say hi even if you do terminate.

JM

My last appointment is tomorrow morning, then I wait until Jan. 8, and I'm not thinking about it! OK, now I am.

I'm sure I'll be a basket case on Friday because not only is it the last appointment with my T for a couple of weeks, tomorrow afternoon I will see my son's T at a Christmas party her agency is throwing for all the kids in the school-based mental health program. It will be the last time I see her before my son gets a new evaluation which will most likely recommend a new T that specializes in his recent issues.

Happy Holidays!

Wow! Glad I opened the thread.

AJB,
It's good to hear from you and I am sorry for your loss. We lost my very beloved MIL last January and this is our first Christmas without her. This can be such a tough time of year just because of expectations, add in a major loss and its really difficult.

And four weeks! You're a better woman than I am! It must be hard to be thinking about termination. But I definitely think talking to your T about it is a good idea.

Hi Samy,
Wow, I didn't know you knew Shrinklady out in the real world. That's pretty cool. I would imagine seeing your T followed by seeing your T and Shrinklady makes for a really great couple of days. But I know two weeks is a long time!

JM,
Just keep telling yourself that you made it through three weeks before, you can do one week. May not help, but it will give you something to do to pass the time.

OW,
That's a lot to handle all at once, seeing your son's therapist for possibly the last time while your T is away. I'm really sorry. I really have to get going on finishing my time machine so we can all skip these gaps.

We can all get through this together!

AG

quote:

I can't see my T for 4 more weeks(it's already been 2 weeks). I am really struggling today because I REALLY REALLY want to contact him. But I am trying to be strong. I may discuss terminating my therapy at the next visit. I can see lots of progress. I don't want to not see him again, but I am not knowing what to do with the tansference issue. I think that may be the only reason I am still going...

AJB...you sound like me...trying to be strong (or good) by not contacting my T when I needed to. In fact, if you do contact him that is a healthy thing to do. It's really okay to want contact with him when you have a need you don't have to be strong. As I've learned, it's not wimpy or needy or dependent, you are just asking for what you need. Some of never learned that it was okay to make our needs known and so we struggle with this. As far as being finished with therapy...I think (and please this is only my opinion)if you have not dealt with the transference issue within the therapy then there is still work to be done. Bringing the transference into the open can be lots of grist for the (therapy) mill. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

TN

Thank you AG for this topic. I think we will all need support from each other during the holidays. This is my first Christmas without my mom and my Dad died 10 days before Christmas 4 years ago. So Christmas is bittersweet.

I will see my T on Saturday but it's not my session it's my child's appointment (we share the same T). I won't have another session until the 29th which right now seems very far away. I expressed my panic to my T and he very graciously told me I can call him or email him and if I really feel the need he can schedule a telephone session for me. I don't think I will need that but the offer felt so good to hear from him. I will probably end up calling him for a quick check in or email him during that time. Even that small connection helps me get to the next session.

TN

And I thought I was the only one who was already freaking out about a break in my rhythm of therapy! I see her tomorrow and then not until the 30th. Of course at the moment I am going 2x's a week, so missing a week and a half is a killer! Even with going twice a week, I write my feelings to her over the weekend. Writing really helps me to say what I am afraid to say out loud. She is happy to read it before the next session and then I can choose to talk about it or not. It just really helps me to know that she has read it. Good thing that she hasn't offered me her email, I would probably send her a million emails a day. Then she would really be sick of me!

I had already been thinking that this forum was going to be a great help for me while I am not seeing her. Nice to know you all will be around to give your sage advice.

PL

My group met a week ago, meets the 2nd week in January, and then not again until the 3rd week in Jan, so that's the next time I see Tfella again. And in-between it looks like it's the Magical Chairs of T-search.

Nice thread, AG!

Oh man, Wynne,a month! Here's hoping the next T works out! The longest I ever went was six weeks and boy, was that a LONG six weeks. Actually the worst part was that it was five weeks (two week trip by my T, followed by a three week vacation for us) but when we got home there was a message on the answering machine that our T needed to reschedule for a week later because his first grandchild, who had the bad taste to be born in Utah which is a bit of a hike from Syracuse, NY, had been born.
Thought my head was going to explode. But how do fault someone for going to see their first grandchild. Don't ever want to do that again. I think that was actually one of the first times I made an emergency phone call.

My T usually takes two weeks off over Christmas/New Year's. I remember how miserable I was last Christmas. Thank goodness she decided to work next Monday so I'll see her one more time before the holidays and then not until the 5th. So, it is only two weeks but it is two weeks with no possible contact. She doesn't take calls or emails during her breaks. I can't say that I blame her because she only takes a total of 5 weeks off a year.

You know, I am really impressed by her consistency. In the last 2 1/2 yrs that I've been seeing her I don't think either of us has had to cancel an appt. She is pretty much always on time and always cheerful and attentive. I don't think I could do it - having my life so scheduled out like that and having to plan all my vacations way in advance and then prepping all the clients for my absence. I am all for schedules and routines but I still don't think I could keep it up year after year.

Wynne... I've been following your search for a new Tfella. I wish you much luck on your search and I think you are going about it in a very sensible way. I never had to search for a T I sort of just fell into therapy with him. He was recommended by the school for my child to see and after a few weeks I thought...wow I'd like to have some sessions for myself with this guy... he's really good. The rest is history.

PL...That is a very good strategy of writing things down for your T to read. When I have a hard time bringing up a subject for whatever reason, I send my T an email and alert him to the fact. And sometimes I ask him to bring up the subject because I cannot. He is very good about it and this system works well. I also will write stuff down and take it with me but instead of just giving it to him to read...I read it to him out loud. And sometimes that is excruciatingly difficult and painful but I do it. He always tells me how brave and courageous I am. Maybe one day I will really believe it.

And not to get totally OT...yes this is a great place to hang out when you are trying to survive to your next session.

TN

Mine will still be seeing patients during the holidays. While I like and trust my new therapist, I think that it is important for me not to get to "attached" to him. I have enough anxiety with issues in my life that I don't need to add to it and I think that is what I would be doing if I got to the point that I was counting down the days until our next session. Although I do click with my therapist and trust him, I do have great friends that I am able to talk to when things get rough.

Simplyme2003

I am so glad to hear that you have great friends to talk to when things get rough. My question would be though, are these people who you could tell anything? Without worrying about what they think of you, or that they might just slip and tell your secret to someone else, or when they look you in the eye are they thinking about your deepest, darkest feelings? If so, then I think you are very lucky to have people like this in your life.

None of us intended to get "attached" to our T, it just happens. While I know that it is possible to heal without transference, I also know that it is the purest way of getting to those feelings and emotions that you never knew you had.

I understand about all your anxiety issues. I have plenty of my own. And my transference has caused plenty of anxiety too, but I also think that the feelings and anxiety I have with and for my T are helping me to get to the core of my problems.

Just my own 2 cents -- it may be different for you.

PL

I have two great friends with whom I divulge everything with. They listen and I never have to worry what they think about me. I am blessed to have them in my life.

It's interesting that you stated that transference is the purest or best way of getting to emotions or feelings. Different psychologists will have varying opinions on this. Some will even tell you that the term transference is not always used correctly.

I know that everyone is different, but I have made a concious choice to not get attached to my therapist to the point that I am counting down the days to our next session. While I feel that our sessions are productive and helpful, I feel that I would experience anxiety if I were to start counting days to our next session. I believe that I, alone, control my life so I have made a concious effort to not get overly dependent in regards to my therapist. As I stated before, I know that everyone is different and I respect that.

Hi SimplyMe!
It's good to hear from you and I'm glad that things are going well with the new T.

That is so wonderful that you have friends like that. I know I have several good friends who see it all, the good, bad and ugly, but I know they are there no matter what. I have one friend that I've known for over 26 years and I still remember clearly when we realized that this friendship was as important to us as our respective marriages. Having that kind of support has been an amazing help in healing. I'm really glad to hear you have that.

And I agree, transference is not necessary to progress in therapy. I rather envy you for not experiencing it, it tends to be a little consuming for my taste.

But I think when it happens, and I know I could not believe how intense it was, the best way to handle it is to face it head on. So I actually agree with both you and PuppyLover.

AG

SimplyMe,
It is absolutely truthful and I think I already said this, but not everyone experiences transference in therapy nor does everyone need to. But when it happens (and trust me it takes most of us by surprise)it can be an excellent magnifying glass into our deepest emotions and relationship problems that we can't otherwise see. It is not so much about the Therapist as it is about the past. Transference is not a four letter word and while it does incite some anxiety and counting off days, it is not an enemy either.

I will say that if you have to fight or concsiously hold back from experiencing it you're fooling yourself. Someone who doesn't feel transference doesn't have to fight it. And to hold back from attachment is repeating the same thing you learned to do in your history. To think that attachment and dependency mean bad, when in fact working with someone who is highly qualified to help you see the difference is more rewarding than any of us can find words for.

But I also appreciate that the experience you had with your last T may make you err on the side of caution and I don't blame you for that. In fact, it is smart of you. You were given intelligence, and I believe a great deal of intelligence as I sense from your posts and you are using it. Also sounds very much like a survival mechanism, but then I am implying my own expereince there and may be way off.

Anway, I do respect your opinion and feelings and it is nice to have you back.
JM

quote:

I have quite a broad understanding of transference and see it as something that applies to every relationship we have both in and out of Therapy.

You raise another great point HB. Someone get her a hat, coat, and t-shirt. Once it was defined for me I realzied that I experienced transference in MANY realtionships throughout my life. If your prone to it, you will do it naturally.

HB,
I think you nailed it. Learning to handle pain so we can stop building our life around avoiding it is a good summation of what therapy is all about. You can avoid pain but to do so you must give up everything that makes life worth living, including intimate relationships, love, living in the moment and being "present." It's way too high a price.

Instead we need to learn to handle the pain, 'cause no matter what you do, pain happens.

So much of my behavior was built around not allowing myself to be hurt again and it was making me feel miserable, isolated and incredibly lonely. A really significant turning point in my therapy happened when I was telling my therapist about a situation and saying "but then I'll be hurt!" (Honestly, I might have been a little whiney). And my T (who I must assure you is an unbelievably gentle, compassionate, caring man) looked straight at me and said (for shock value). "So what? It won't kill you." I think I literally rocked back in my seat. My thinking had never gone beyond what you did when you were hurt because I was concentrating all my resources on NOT being hurt. We were able to start talking about how do handle the hurt, how do you recover from it, how do you repair the relationship.

Thanks, it was good to remember this (since I'm much better talking about it then putting it consistently into practice. )

AG