quote:

I can handle not eating, or eating too much of really bad food, but eating a healthy meal is seriously hard. It makes me have to sit with my emotions more.

Jane, I don't know anything about ED stuff, but this really stood out to me. This is exactly how I am. I seem only to be able to either eat one meal a day or eat tons of junk. Eating a few relatively healthy meals seems nearly impossible for me. I wish I had some advice to offer you. The only way I ever controlled it was rigorous meal journaling when I was trying to lose weight last year, tracking my Calories and exercise and making sure that all days (except one cheat day a week), my net Calories fell within a certain target range. Even then, I couldn't always manage to eat healthy meals... (((Jane))) I'm sorry. I know how hard it can be to find healthy ways to process the sorts of things that come up in therapy and life in general. I also live next to a 7-11, so I know how hard it can be to not let a bad habit take over.

((((JD))))

Sitting with emotions can be really difficult, especially when in the past we've resorted to disordered eating to numb them. Its something I am really struggling with lately...just being able to sit with the emotions. one thing that has been helping is to do breathing exercises when I am feeling intense emotions. I lie on the floor and focus on inhaling to the count of 4, then exhale for 4, then pause for 4. I do this for about 5 minutes and it really helps me get centered and work through those difficult emotions.

I'm so sorry that you all struggle with this too. It is tough. Thanks for the great feedback and kind support.

Yaku ~ you live next to a 7-11? yeah, that would be hard. Food journaling has helped me recently to keep a more realistic perception of how good or bad my food intake is. Sometimes it can really backfire - I can also use it to fuel my self judgement and periods of over-focus on food.

DF ~ great suggestions! The idea of distracting to break the restricting of food is a good idea. I tried it yesterday and it really helped.

LG ~ I like the breathing exercise. I'm going to practice it tonight.

~~~

I tend to restrict or binge. Yesterday, I had a strong urge to do both. They somehow tend to numb out my emotions a bit – something I don’t need to be doing. The more I numb out, the more I tend to get flooded later on.

I restricted for most of the day yesterday, but I did ok with dinner. I did go to the grocery store, and I stood in front of the one triggery food I was so tempted to get, and somehow just didn’t buy it… and bought something better instead. I used your suggestion of distracting to break the anorexia, and it worked. I think writing about it here too made me be a little more mindful of how much I can get pulled into this destructive pattern with food really fast. I start eating dinner, pretty slowly, but once I got something in me, it became easier. I ate some healthy stuff for dinner, and then let myself have a treat to end with. Today, I have done sort of ok with food. I feel much more emotional, so I have been trying to do some stuff to relax… The urge is still there. I wish this battle would just go away!

anyhow, thanks everyone for the helpful responses and feedback.

~ jd

I did ED stuff today... and I don't know why... I can't identify any triggers or emotions that came up that led for me to not do well with eating today. I have had a huge urge and impulse to not handle food or eating well today and I have totally given in and acted on it all day long. I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day. What baffles me is not knowing why I did this today. How can I do such a destructive thing and not even know why? Once I started today, it got hard to stop. I have stopped, and I'm tearful and all I want to do is hide from myself and my life. If only that actually worked to help make anything better. I don't want to be hard on my body like this. I need to do well with food so I can do well with life and so my body can work well to get done all the things I need to get done.
feeling sad,
~ jd

ALL I know JD - is that when I was full of feelings locked deep inside, not even really known well to myself, mostly well hidden, I had strange eating problems and it was all very sad.

I wish I could have the perspective I have now, years on. To feel sad for me, and hug and hold me, for I have to be suffering deeply at some level to be acting out this way and it is not WRONG - it is just a coping mechanism and indicates lack of feeling secure and loved and okay deep within. I am probably not making myself clear but I wanted to send hugs and caring and some understanding too of how puzzling these things are. Please do not judge yourself, in years to come when you have stopped doing this, you too will look back in tenderness at the pain you are in now, that is underlying this and feel such kindness and tenderness to yourself, and it would be great if you could feel some of that to your self now.
I wish you well with your struggles. I know how hard and frustrating it can be.

Hi JD... so sorry you have been struggling with this. It's so hard to deal with and so complicated. I have come to realize of late that while I do not have an eating disorder, I do at times exhibit disordered eating. There is somewhat of a difference although right now that does not make me feel any better. I remember being at a Weight Watchers meeting many years ago and the Leader was talking to us and said that getting into good eating habits was harder than quitting smoking or drinking because when you do that you can just totally abstain from those things. You don't NEED to smoke or drink to live but you do need to eat to live, so you just can't cut out food from your life, you need to learn to eat correctly. That makes a lot of sense and sometimes helps me to feel like less of a failure when I don't make good choices. Just know how truly hard this is.

I'm also in a really bad place right now, weightwise and it triggers all the horrible self-hatred and wanting to hide away from people. I can trace my disordered eating back to childhood when I was not allowed to make food choices and practically force-fed under duress. It left me with lasting scars and a complicated relationship with food.

I know you would tell me to be kind to myself and I would like to tell you to do the same for yourself. We must learn to celebrate and feel good about the small victories and hopefully they will pile up and become the norm.

Hugs
TN

(((Jane))) I'm sorry you are struggling right now.

Also, kind of in the not having an ED, but often having disordered eating category like TN and this statement really rang true for me. I don't know if it is true for you, Jane, but I was never taught to take care of myself properly in this sort of a way and many others. I often get perplexed about how people can have all these "natural" instincts about how to take care of themselves really well, cope with pain really well, etc....but, turns out most of them were actually taught, coached, modeled, etc. through that process.

All I'm saying is try to be gentle with yourself for struggling. It's ok to not have it figured out on your own, because we weren't really meant to.

quote:

I can handle not eating, or eating too much of really bad food, but eating a healthy meal is seriously hard. It makes me have to sit with my emotions more.

Jane, this is so what I am dealing with right now too. Both my T and my Pdoc decided it's time for me to see a nutritionist since my eating, or lack thereof, has gotten out of control the last few months. I do not believe I have an ED, or at least I've never been diagnosed with one, but I do know I use food to control myself - depriving myself of healthy food as a way to punish myself for having too many annoying food allergies that make it challenging to eat. I also go to the extreme, and eat only foods that I know will make me sick when I'm in a bad mood. I recently told T this, which is why I think she's backing up my Pdoc about the nutritionist.

Food is supposed to, according to many people, be a good thing and an enjoyable part of the day. For me, though, it is torture.

I'd love to live in a Jetson's-esque world where I just have to pop a gumball sized pellet and it is a fully balanced meal tailored to my allergies and needs!

quote:

I don't want to be hard on my body like this. I need to do well with food so I can do well with life and so my body can work well to get done all the things I need to get done.

Have you contemplated seeing a nutritionist? I know that my Pdoc recommended I see one several years ago, but I ignored her. Now that my T is on my case, I actually took her referral and emailed the nutritionist last week (haven't heard back from her yet, though) as I obviously can not do this myself. No, I don't have the $150/$90 for the initial and follow ups, but the way my T put it, I don't have time to get sicker, either.

(((((Jane)))))

thanks everyone for such supportive responses and helping me process through this. I'm in a tough spot with all of this now, so I'll have to respond more later. Right now I just want to say: I hate ED and my totally screwed up eating habits. I have been working so hard to cope better. I just so don't need to keep messing up with this.
jd