1. Saw T Monday night and finally talked about one of the topics I've been avoiding for the last 2 1/2 years. It went better than expected, felt ok with letting another big chunk of my guard down with T.
2. Spent all day Tues waffling between feeling good about previous night's session and feeling freaked out by it.
3. Came across provocative article online about transference and decide to email it to T and ask her some questions about it.
4. T decides to call rather than email me back (grrr...), & doesn't address the article so much as hoping I am careful about what I read online. (She doesn't get online often so I am rolling my eyes now.) Anyway, call is ok & I hang up feeling ok. No better but no worse.
5. Wake up in the middle of the night, can't get back to sleep, start dissecting earlier phone call with T. This is when I start feeling silly about sending the email and wishing I hadn't. I am now remembering the conversation as more of her being kind of unhappy with me. Somehow I get back to sleep.
6. Daughter wakes up cuz of bad dream at 3:30am and I have to get up anyway so I hit the shower. The gears in my head really start turning now and the silly email I sent yesterday has become the most stupid and embarrassing thing I have ever done.
7. Now the battle is on. I know that what I am feeling now does not match what I felt talking to T last night. I didn't feel stupid or embarrassed then but now I am mortified and want to vow to never send another email except maybe one more to apologize profusely for being so stupid.
8. I write one more email to T before leaving for work at 5:30am that describes said battle between the new neural pathways we've cultivating and the big primeval one that has hijacked those poor little suckers. I equate them to little hobbits battling with the nasty Gollum.
9. Now, 12 hours later, the battle still wages but Gollum has gained a lot ground and is winning. He is very ingrained and well practiced. I am rooting for the little hobbits but they really don't know how to fight. They are so nice and cute though I would much rather they win!
) No response from T about 2nd email sent this morning but I don't think I asked her to respond so she might not. I don't mind if she emails me but it she calls I might not pick up.Ah, transference at its finest! Well so much for making a long story short.
) - and helped the little hobbits drive Gollum back under the mountain! I wish I could say he fell into the fiery pit of lava but I don't think he'll be quite that easily gotten rid off. I went to bed last night and realized that I felt great. No self-doubt, no internal struggle, just a nice feeling of peace. It was wonderful - very rarely do I ever not cry myself to sleep at night. Thanks again for giving me that extra encouragement and understanding (resonance?) to help me stay in the truth and not be seduced by an old bad habit. 
