Yes, kind of, but I'm not sure if it is the same, really, or not. What I have experienced is also very hard to explain. I actually described something sort of similar to T recently and he interpreted it the way you are, being in the past in the present. Then, I have also had the sensation of being both inside of myself and in the outside world at the same time and that can be quite confusing, but happens quite often. It's like I go inside and am processing stuff in there, but haven't lost awareness of what is outside of me. However, I don't have much ability to act in this state. I have a lot of internal reactions filtering, but they seem to get trapped behind a wall when I am like that. I don't know if that makes sense...sorry if I am being more confusing than helpful.

(((YAKU)))(((DF))))((((AG))))

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me. It's hard for me to know what is going on exactly but I like to think that maybe I'm growing some new neurons. Yeah!!!!

Yaku, That's interesting that your T said that you were in the past in the present. Yes. I think I understand that.

DF, you really had me laughing with "only TWO places?" I love the way you describe all the things going on inside of you at once. I have that too but I'm not sure this is what has been going on for me.

AG, I am thinking that maybe it's closer to what you described except that it didn't happen just in one session, it's been happening for me for the last YEAR!!! I'm serious. It's exactly what you described, I wasn't remembering, I was experiencing. Oh, so scary.

I've just realized that for the past year I have been experiencing the year I was 18, probably brought on by loving T but not being able to have "that kind" of relationship with him. There are so many parallels although the facts are different. But the parallels are striking.

T has confirmed for me that this is what happened to me last year. Now my next question is, does that mean that I was actually dissociating the entire year?

When I had my traumatic experience at 18, no one knew about it. I cried myself to sleep for a year. Not only did my family not know about it but they were spitting on me because I was out drinking at night. I had to pretend that I was okay all the time for my family. It was torture. And that was also like being in two places at once. The incredible pain inside with the smile on the outside.

I was trying to go to college at the time but not successfully. It was just bad bad bad bad bad. I would skip classes and then show up a month later. But by then I didn't know anyone - which didn't help and of course, I'd be behind in my work. I went to the university counseling center but after my traumatic experience, stopped going and then returned. When I went back to my T at the time, I couldn't talk to him. I would sit there. The T would ask me questions and I would just answer, I don't know, I don't know. It was brutal.

I have no idea how I pulled myself out of it back then or how I recovered. There wasn't one person who knew what I was going through and I didn't have any support at all.

So fast forward to last year. I fall madly in love with my T. I can't talk to my T about it. I can't talk to my H about it. I can't talk to my kids about it. No one around me understands therapy or attachment. My life itself is stressful and oftentimes all I want to do is curl up in bed in a ball. I felt so isolated.

For some reason, I've been able to break through the isolation and talk to T. Until recently, I could tell him what happened to me at 18 but I couldn't FEEL it. Well, now I can tell you exactly how I felt. It was the most harrowing experience - actually both years.

So, last weekend, I had that pain, that pain that I get when I want to curl up into a ball. But I had the kids. I had to take care of the kids and drive them places and interact with them. But the pain was distracting me and all I wanted to do was go to bed. But I couldn't. And I couldn't tell anyone what was going on. How could I tell my kids that I needed to curl up in bed for the weekend? I couldn't tell my H because it would make me feel uncomfortable. He sometimes looks into my eyes too deeply as if he's looking into my soul.

So I was in zombieland all weekend, doing what I had to do but I wasn't really there. I could barely respond to the kids. All of a sudden on Saturday night, I realized that I was reliving that year again. Well, I'd just had the realization recently but I realized I was isolating myself unnecessarily. That I could reach out for support. I might not want to talk to my H but I have a dear close friend who knows my story. I could call her. I could call T. I didn't have to take this sitting down. I forced myself to visit with my friend and explained to her everything that was going on. She was so amazingly wonderful and gentle with me. It really helped a lot.

I don't know, maybe this means I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough if I can see that all this crap I've been feeling is related not to my T but to that year. It almost feels like being in a zoom lens or like breaking through a filmy sheet. It's very wierd.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. I'm trying to get a handle on it all. But I was excited that I was able to pull myself out of that state even though the pain was still there. And, that's why I'm thinking new neurons are growing. Somethings happening. Something good.

xoxo

Liese