(((( Yaku ))))

I’m sorry you had what felt like a mostly wasted session and ended up frozen through most of it

I get very well how a ‘should’ can screw things up just as you described. There may not be an overt expectation or potential rejection behind it, nevertheless it DOES exert a subtle pressure on you that I find would make me feel very defensive. If your T was ill and continued working while at the same time saying, oh I ‘shouldn’t’ really be doing this (and turning it onto you like you’re responsible because YOU might get sick) is actually quite unfair I reckon. Well I know I would feel obscurely responsible for it and would instantly feel bad and guilty and shut down, so I get why your part wanted to bail.

I think I also get why you got angry at his caretaking (which wasn’t really caretaking in this instance at all, even though he intended it to be). True caretaking in this case would have been either not holding the session at all in order to spare you catching his bug, or asking you whether you were prepared to go ahead even knowing that you might yourself become ill as a result and accepting your answer. By going ahead with the session but saying ‘well I shouldn’t really be doing this because you might get sick’ (though well intentioned!) isn’t really caretaking at all.

I’m not explaining myself very well here and I hope I’m not making out that I think your T is some kind of manipulative monster. It’s just that if I were in your place I know I’d react in a similar way even knowing that T only meant well.

For what it’s worth I think the words ‘should’, ‘ought’ and ‘must’ ought (!!lol) to be banned

LL

Hi Yaku,

I've been thinking and thinking, has my T ever used the word should? And I don't think he has ever used that word. He usually tries to stay away from that word. BUT, I have read shoulds into things he has said because I am a people pleaser and it has definitely interfered with my ability to ask for what I need. My needs then just kind of float around in my head, staying in the background and just having whatever it is he said out there, suddenly disempowers me from being able to verablize my needs. So, yes, that does happen to me also.

And as LL pointed out, it wasn't really caretaking at all. He was trying to do the right thing. And, it was great that he was so upfront from the very beginning of the session as to why he wasn't sitting in his usual spot. The *ideal* (IMHO) response from him would have been for him to tell you he was sick and then to leave it up to you, so that you could make the decision for yourself. I'm just thinking here, though, off the top of my head, how I feel when I'm sick and generally I don't like anyone to sit close to me because I just feel yucky. You never know, it could have more to do with him just not feeling good and not wanting to be close and feeling guilty about it because he knows how much it means to you and so hence, his repetitive statements re: " I can do this if you want but probably shouldn't."

It's one of those situations that's bound to make you feel bad simply because you are not getting what you needed even in the face of T's wonderful *caretaking*. And, so, the anger is there under the surface but, if you were me, I'd invalidate it because T seemed so considerate on the face of things. And then I'd beat myself up for being angry.

xoxox

Liese

LL, Liese - Thanks for your replies and insights.

I should clarify that he only used the word "should" about twice and the rest of the time, it was kind of the implied should of him expressing his desire that I not get sick. He is definitely not a big should-er in general and we have actually talked about me hearing those messages when they weren't intended before.

Maybe caretaking is the wrong word, but even the sense that someone has protective intentions and is attempting to say or do what is best for me (rather than leaving that role to me) is very disconcerting to me. It's like all alarms and anxiety and anger inside when that happens, almost universally. T did kind of do what you are suggesting Liese. He said he was sick, but it was entirely up to me and he was more than willing to do things as usual. It's just that once the should got thrown in there, I shut down. I identified that for him later.

He actually said that it was probably his misattunement (he didn't use the word, but the concept), because when I didn't respond positively to his willingness the first couple of times, he assumed that I agreed with him and it was his mistake, that assumption. He meant those statements to express concern for my health (and my family's) during this time when I am overloaded (the temporary job, reduced therapy time, lots of internal stuff coming up). He also owned once we brought up that topic that he would feel guilty if I did get sick, but those feelings were his own responsibility. He was really good in the conversation, actually.

T is not the type of person who would say he doesn't mind being close if he actually does, though, and use something else as an excuse. He is quite sincere and open (at least if I ask) as to his thought process on things. He might not bring something up, maybe even avoid it unless I specifically/directly asked, but I trust his genuineness as he has never given me a reason to doubt it (despite my continuing ridiculous projections). So, while T absolutely did trigger these reactions in me, I don't see him as having done something all that wrong. He just wasn't "on his game" that night. But, despite that, we had a good conversation. I was able to share stuff. He gave me a lot to think about. And we will see each other Wednesday (as long as he doesn't go home sick). He said, if I still feel the same, he is absolutely willing to sit closer on Wednesday. The only reason it matters to me is that Little Yaku is sharing more details about stuff right now and she can't do that at a distance, so I'm kind of stuck in a freeze in this yucky stuff until then. Otherwise, my need to caretake T by being as little of a burden as possible (another reason for wanting to bail on the session) would have overridden things.

Anyway, despite stirring up yucky feelings inside (and a TON of analysis of that stuff today), I'm not really upset at my T. I kind of feel like 75% of it was internal stuff that is from the past and the other 25% was T not picking up on what was going on...but it's hard to blame him when it took me nearly 60 minutes to figure it out myself.

Thanks again for the input, you guys!!!

Yaku,

Just wondering why the red flags when someone acts protective? Like, I got red flags yesterday when T told me that I am strong, as if a compliment itself is going to have the effect of stopping me from asking for what I need, as if that WAS in fact the intended effect from T, in this instance. Like, you're so strong, why would you need anything else? Go away.

I was wondering if there was something similar going on for you. That in the past, someone might have told you they were being protective of you but actually crossed some boundaries and that's why you felt the anger and anxiety? Their protectiveness perhaps wasn't protectiveness at all but selfishness and self-centeredness disguised as protectiveness? Just thought I'd throw that out there. So glad you were able to work through most of it.

xoxo

Liese

Liese, just processed that in a journal entry...but some of the stuff just seems a little too sensitive for the OF, so I will say in summary: Yes, protection/caretaking was received by maybe two people on a regular basis as a child and it was shaming, often devoid of actual comfort, oppressive, anxiety-producing and eventually both of those people betrayed me deeply in different ways, one of which I can't even fully accept right now.

There is a lot of ouchy stuff coming up regarding this right now. It just feels too raw to put it up here for all the world to see, you know?

Yeah, Yaku, I understand. Not to worry. A light bulb went off for me as a result of this thread and how *flattery* was used by my mother to deflect my needs, as in "you're the natural child, you got it all, you don't NEED what they NEED. We NEED to give to the orphans and make them feel LOVED and ACCEPTED." Nevermind that I actually felt like a leper, despite being the "natural" child. It was interesting for me to see how and why my back went up when T told me I was strong. I haven't looked into it but my guess is that flattery might be used often by people to get what they want.

Ugh, nevermind about the Wednesday session. He is having to cancel everyone, because he is too sick now. Overwhelmed with a lot of feelings.

Sad and worried, because he is ill.

Sad and disappointed about losing my session.

Glad that he is taking care of himself.

Uncertain whether I can feel comfortable taking a Skype session on Friday or Saturday, as he will have to do odd times to accommodate me, due to my current work schedule.

Pathetic that it is such a struggle to make it a full week without talking to him.

Ambivalent, torn between being proud and hating myself, for the fact that I was able to ask what options were available and could admit to him simultaneously the knowledge that I will be fine if I have to skip and the fact that I sincerely don't want to.

Did I mention disappointed? I feel like crying. It means losing the chance to be with someone safe, to talk about so much stuff coming up...but also just to have time to myself. An hour drive over to his other office...by myself. 1.5-2 hours of adult conversation. An hour drive home. Tired at the thought of losing it.

Yaku

How I relate to that...but be sad and you can be angry..allow yourself that... and then try to keep in mind it will pass, that it is not for ever. That you will see your T soon!

Lots of hugs for you and litlle Yaku!

Aw, I had a response all typed out and lost it. I've got to run now, but just know I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry you lost the Wednesday session, but I hope you'll accept a Friday or Saturday session. Just try to remember that your T wouldn't offer you the session if he didn't feel able and didn't truly want to give you the time.

((((((Yaku))))))

Yaku... so sorry you lost your Wednesday session and that special "you" time. I know how important that is and how a cancellation can stir up all kinds of feelings.

Please don't hesitate to accept the Friday or Saturday Skype session. This is your T's boundary to keep. Also, it's like you would be rejecting a gift he is giving you. He is freely offering and I would encourage you to accept without the guilt or discomfort.

Sending you supportive hugs,
TN

(((Ninn))) (((ninna))) (((kashley))) (((TN)))

Thanks for the support and encouragement, you guys. You're all amazing!!! I did end up agreeing to take a Skype session, but gave him the choice over which day/time was best for him, so we are talking Saturday at noon. It's not the same as talking in person and I will only have one session next week due to the holiday (unless he offers a Skype on his holiday weekend), so I thought it was important to not skip a session two weeks in a row, since now is such a confusing, tumultuous time for me.

Kashley - So sorry about losing your post. Sorry I don't get to read it and sorry for the frustration on your end, as I know how that feels, especially with how busy you are.

Yaku-

Beebs

(((BB)))

Aww, thanks! My Saturday session went really well. It was really productive and somewhat connecting, despite not being face-to-face. I am blessed to have you all thinking of me and supporting me here.