((Cat)) I can understand how your trust has been shaken by this. I think people who have a hard time with control issues (and we all do to one degree to another) can panic that a suggestion of what you might be thinking/feeling etc is incredibly intrusive and an attempt of the external other to control you which could lead to horrible consequences (being abused, having your self taken over by someobody else, having all your good inner resources pillaged for somebody else's benefit etc).

My T often does this but in a tentative manner - it puts the feeling or thought out there as a possibility but he (usually) doesn't insist he's completely right about it. I guess I went into T having no idea on who I really was and having enormous difficulty describing my inner world, and hence he's had to step in and provide scaffolding from time to time. I've come to have an enormous level of trust and love for him and I know he would never ever intentionally hurt me so when he makes comments about what i'm thinking or feeling, i'm usually grateful for the ideas.

However there are times when i'm stuck in a major defensive mode and I get really angry with his seemingly stupid, selfish responsibility-relinquishing statements. I'm usually trying to avoid something painful when I'm in that space.

I hope this helps. I think its very difficult to trust that anyone has good intenntions towards you when you've had abusive caregivers and incompetent T's (and I've had both) who screw up to your detriment. There are good T's and people out there who are worth trusting. Hugs xx

(((Cat)))

Oh, what an awful position to be in with a T. Yeah, I had a lot of childhood emotional abuse for "thought" or "feeling" crimes, some of which were accurate and some of which were not. What I got a lot of was either being told how I (potentially, not always accurate) felt was wrong/unjustified and what an awful person I was for thinking/feeling that way...or else just told I was making it up, exaggerating it, didn't actually feel that way. It's probably a lot of why I learned to shut down and be so unaware of what is going on in my own head.

I can't imagine finally being vulnerable with someone, someone who is supposed to be safe, and then they replay that same thing. I know I project those same messages on him at times, but objectively, I don't think I've ever had him insist I thought or felt a certain way when I didn't. He will sometimes observe things, how I seem, but he will always frame it as his observation and if I explain he isn't quite on target, he accepts it, though he will also explain why he is perceiving what he is. Sometimes, he intuitively notices something that was out of my awareness and upon reflection, I'm like, "Whoops, I guess that is in there, huh." Even in those cases, when I push back, he just explains his point of view, accepts my own explanation, and waits for me to work through it on my own. It feels really safe.

We had that happen with me being defensive over wearing makeup (which I almost never do) and him perceiving me as defensive and it as more meaningful than just my tomboyish nature. Turned out he was right, but even when I told him that, there was no gloating or anything, just listening to what I had discovered. That may be a stupid example, but my reaction (to trying to wear makeup to test my own theory) was so extreme that it was pretty intense for me. (Please don't hear me saying your T was right or anything like that, just explaining how my T processes with me when he perceives something and I don't agree with it initially).

Anyway, sorry, that was a long explanation. I don't know exactly how to move on except to really understand that in the case that this happened, you know it was this other person's issue and not your own. Maybe building trust and assessing safety will have to be a more patient endeavor for a time? And, I think that's a normal response, as much as it's not fair that you're the one who has to deal the most with the fallout. And I think any good (future) T or really safe person will understand your hesitancy there. I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to "fix" it. It sounds like the whole experience from rupture to termination has been simply awful, and knowing how hard you fought to salvage things, I can understand how deeply painful the whole process has been.

Lots of

Cat,
I'm so sorry that T talked to you like that. I don't believe it should end that way...how can it be helpful it seems more selfish or something that she felt she had to tell you what you feelor how you're supposed to feel or think. Jumping in and talking before you've got to say what you feel (if she did that) is not polite in any setting and feels to me like it's a one way conversation and no wonder you feel like you don't have a voice.

Part of why I'm reacting so much is because that is precisely how I feel I've been lost and not had a voice either.

Take care Cat,
's

I keep asking my counsellor, what should I be feeling, what should I be thinking!!!

Thanks so much for your thoughts ladies, this helps a lot! No updates of any sort today... I'm waiting on hearing back from a new T re: my insurance and a session this week but.... have not heard back so I'm already scared away. Sigh. *update they just called back!*

((GE)) I have major control issues, it's made therapy... fun. T1 will suggest, probe, put in to context, sometimes she is wrong, right or painfully right (depends on the day). T2 on the other hand will do the literal just assuming where she will do something or say something in response to a feeling she thinks I have. Or say "you're probably thinking ______ so __________". She once started doing something my other T was doing to connect with me (I had used it as a contextual example of something). So I asked her WTF was that about? And she said well she assumed since I had said it that I wanted her to do that (what sort of T????). I told her, no, that's not what I was saying and I didn't need her to do what she was doing. She did this... 3 times at least... she was trying hard, but a little too hard. She also told me while I was crying once, trying to collect myself she says "Well, don't you have anything to say?" ... "if anything you should feel _____". I'm used to the good kind of feedback I get with T1, we were talking about the other day how we're very good about asking each other what we mean and communicating well; I was happy she pointed that out. Anyway, sorry, that was long. I'm sorry you get stuck in defensive mode, too. I do/did for a long time with T1 and it was worth the grueling effort and still is. It is super hard to trust I was supposed to see a new T this week but they didn't get back to me after checking my insurance (which I know all my insurance stuff already) so it makes me feel like... okay..... projection, projection, projection. So now I don't even think I can meet this T. Ha..

((non)) Being punished for imaginary thoughts and feelings sucks. There are times in my life I actually question what I'm doing to make sure I'm not being "bad". Like if I go to the airport I'll consciously think... OKAY I'm not smuggling drugs... RIGHT? Which is something I would never do but I ask myself at least 4 times. When I think things I will question their validity, etc. It's no fun. It was a real blow emotionally to have her go from someone safe to someone very unsafe - her stuff was our therapy. The only thing she intuitively noticed in a whole year that she didn't make about her was when I dissociated for a second and she asked 'Where did you go?' I almost wanted to snark back at her about even being interested or noticing. I'm really okay with being confronted and challenged, because I do it with myself a lot AND T1 has been relentless with that. She makes me own my stuff... even when I project on her (at least now) I correct myself and say "Boundaries, boundaries! I can't tell you what you're thinking!" and she'll say THANK YOU. Hehe. I have an in-my-head version of her that is much less kind that the one in person. It also really messes with my mind having a safe, consistent T in stark contrast to my other experience. So I try to say 'I'll never trust a T AGAIN!" or "All authority figures are horrible and I'm horrible.." when I have this big sign in front of me. It's also really vulnerable because I think my world would crumble for quite a while if something happened with T1. It would be... I can't even think of a word.

((hopeful)) I don't want it to end this way either. I'm still seeing her at a distance while I'm looking for another T. It's very difficult but I try to stick us to the work we are good at, and process my deep anger and grief with T1. She did jump in before I got a chance, there are many things she never asked my thoughts or feelings on and I couldn't express them because I felt plowed over, scared and confused. It gives me a lot of rage right now - but good to process because I was never allowed to speak up growing up and it's allowed me to realize I really do want a space in this world if I'm allowed to say "I deserve to be listened to". That's big. I'm sorry you feel lost and w/o a voice has your T been giving you a voice?

((scars)) Haha, I've done that too. Or I want them to make decisions for me that I don't want to make or can't figure out what is right... I feel like that is more of a "healthy" thing. At least when you can notice and process it. It's a bit different when the person is being vindictive, or venting their anger. T1 even tried explaining to T2 what was going on, I've tried explaining, T2 refused any sort of help in the room and told me you either talk to me or I have referrals. A 3rd party would have been needed to control the projections (on both sides). So right now I have T1 as a side intermediary... (or DID while things were going on but I'm still processing very intense feelings with her) and sometimes I Stop us talking and sort of loudly say "HERE WE ARE AGAIN, TRYING TO BE T2's T... " I've wasted so much time talking about that woman's issues and the grief it's caused me.