quote:

write a letter to all of them, explaining that they need to encourage you with their words to live in this moment, what to do, how to do it, how to live the life you would like. even if they dont understand, get them to do this, they may surprise you.

hi missdel...I'm glad that this worked for you and that you now feel cured (as I read in your other thread) but you need to be aware that this will not work for many of the members on here.

Many have been hurt and worse by the hands and actions of their own parents and family members and it would be harmful if not dangerous to approach them for what you describe in your quote above.

My question to you is: what do you suggest if your parents/family are dead? Then what do you do?

I believe in the vast majority of situations, an experienced, well-chosen, trusted therapist is the way to go and healing and growing through therapy is the better choice.

Best of luck to you
TN

my psychiatrist taught me to not see them as black and white. this has been very important in seeing my family the way they really are and letting their help wash over me.

i have no easy solutions, only to those who may have given up hope on their family when they could actually still help, even when you utterly despise them, as is the case with my own story.

it is a viewpoint to say the family have damaged you. you may be seeing it in black and white, as my therapist has taught me. i now can use their support and ignore the bad, because good parenting and family behavior is not taught, so abuse and neglect will happen. of course continue with a therapist, but putting the most hope and faith and hard work into getting the most from you family together is the most effective treatment, as long as they are up to it. my point is that is down to the way you see it. i thought mine werent and ive cut them out and been lost for years. they totally were. they must give encouragment to build a life of active doing and new directions, that is most what you need from them to have the courage to start living again. if you can see that they believe you can and want you to be happy, you will believe it too and make it happen without having to try. you can put the past behind you by doing doing doing alot more every single day with no excuses and thinking less. confidence comes naturally after that. you have to see no limits in this world, and believe you are entitled to all of it, take interest in it as your family encourage you to.

i am lucky as my family are hardworking, very active go getters. but i saw them as neglectful abusive a********. now i see past that, and see what a respectable cool family i have! theyre not perfect, but noone is. you dont have to hate them.

quote:

it is a viewpoint to say the family have damaged you.

Missdel,
It is a truly wonderful thing that you have been able to experience this with your family. But to be clear, in many cases of members on this forum, it is NOT a viewpoint that they have been damaged by their family, it is a fact. I think that it is dismissive and minimizing of other people's experiences to reduce what happened to them as a viewpoint problem.

And yes, the goal of healing should be to move forward into living more fully, but for many of us that means going back to heal before we can go forward to live. You are very blessed that you were able to do this in your own family, but for many of us, it's just not an option.

thanks. i believe alot is down to opinion and alot of peoples pain happens from our sentimental culture. i couldnt get out of bed, walk down the street and have isolated myself from people for about 6 years. i have felt real pain. now, the anxiety has gone, because my family hate has gone and i have them back. it is a viewpoint that families are good and bad, it really is a viewpoint that damage is damage. anxiety and society make people believe this and without support this is understandably what people think. i have been crippled by my fears. i am not reducing peoples problems, that is your perception. this is an idea, patronising and ignorant who cares if it is! just an idea you might try.

i have suffered serious neglect by my family. but that doesnt make them bad people. just idiotic parents. if anyone who isnt really worsened by a truly horrific family can relaise this as i have done, id like to help them see it.

quote:

i now can use their support and ignore the bad, because good parenting and family behavior is not taught, so abuse and neglect will happen. of course continue with a therapist, but putting the most hope and faith and hard work into getting the most from you family together is the most effective treatment, as long as they are up to it. my point is that is down to the way you see it.

misdel.... there is no excuse for abuse and neglect of children. You don't need to read a book on parenting to have human decency and to treat your children with care, love and respect for who they are. So I guess that is the way "I" see it.

You still have not answered my question as to how a person should handle this if their family/parents are dead... as in not alive???

Thanks
TN

i fully understand your irritation at what im saying. is it right that our society gives us these expectations in the first place, is that not child abuse in its own right. the issue isnt whether its right or not as we try to recover.

it is the moralisation of the family unit, when we dont even have compulsory good parenting monitoring or teaching anywhere in the world, that is causing pain. it is social abuse that damages people and gives them expectations, not two citizens who moronically raise their children. in the absence of anxiety, this is how you end up seeing it. you must let go of the anger against the family unit, our society doesnt cater for the perfect or even decent family. thats almost impossible.

A viewpoint? That my father abused me (CSA) for most of my child hood? Beat the crap of me? So are you saying this is just bad parenting ?

I really don't get what are saying!

Luci

top of my post i said not for constant abuse, only some situations. please get as much therapy as you can, but for those who may have lost faith in the anxiety and hopelessless of depression. i dont think your father wanted to hurt you, few people are evil. is he sorry for what he has done? he was a stupid boy who had a kid and had no idea what to do with her clearly.

i think abuse is society giving children the expectation that their family will be good to them. that is where the real problem starts. theres a reason why the poorest people in the world are sometimes the happiest, they have no social expectations encouraging them to hate and frustrate themsleves. if you look at people like oprah who was abused like hell, she still got her life together. you need nobody but your own perception and the actions that might come from it. it really is a genius game to be free from anxiety, hopefully your therapist can find that for you. please try not to let society tell your story for you.

attaching my emotions to my actions when im outdoors rather than the constant anxiety in my mind is very useful as i go through therapy

Missdel,

quote:

you must let go of the anger against the family unit,

Letting go of the anger or reaching forgiveness does not require anyone to reach out to their family of origin and write a letter.

quote:

this has been very important in seeing my family the way they really are and letting their help wash over me.

Many of us are able to move forward, let go of the anger and see our family in a light that is more realistic, but that doesn't mean that everyone has a family that they can let in and that their help will be there to "wash over" them. The reality for many of us is that despite our best efforts and even our parents best efforts they were not capable of giving us what we needed and deserved. The key isn't in going back for everyone. What we can do is separate the parent we should have had from the parent that was abusive and see that they weren't capable of being what we needed due to their own issues. We can have compassion for them, we can see their struggle and misguided parenting in that light, but it doesn't take away what they did and it certainly doesn't make it safe to have a relationship in the present.

I hear you saying that you have learned not to see them in black and white. From the outside (I don't know you or your situation) it sounds like you've gone from total disconnection and pushing them away/hating them to all is good and wonderful and they are so helpful. To me those are opposite extremes of the same issue. I could be way off base and I'm happy for you if you have been able to put things back together in your family. That is wonderful for you. The point is though, that is for you and what works for you (or someone else) isn't going to work for everyone else. We all need to find our own path.

In my opinion, it isn't that society has set us up to expect the perfect family. Society has repeatedly ignored the epidemic of child abuse and as such has allowed it to pervade every corner of our world. We don't need to alter our expectations of having a "good enough" family where people can make normal human errors. We need to raise our standards and treat children as humans, as people with feelings and have respect for them and treat them as if they are the precious gifts that they are not objects to posses and control.

Edited by moderator for content - AG

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AG, Moderator