I was excited to have a Friday night at home alone with nothing to do. I planned to read, take a bubble bath....all the good pampering there never seems to be time for. Before I realized it was happening, I was fighting back against a mini-meltdown. I felt so lonely and like a loser stuck at home alone on a weekend night. No friends to hang with, no boyfriend to cuddle up with, and my 13 year old daughter now knows more than I do and hates my company! I know this sounds like a pity party, and it was, but what was really coming up was the feeling of not belonging. I've never felt like I've belonged - to my family, friends, or even the world. I believe that belonging and connection is essential to being human, but I don't. I know it's my fault. That's partly why I started therapy 15 months ago; because I wanted to feel whole and experience the joys of life. 

When I was young, I fantasizes about belonging to my friends' moms, teachers, camp counselors - basically any motherly figure that acknowledged my presence. I never thought too much about belonging to a peer group. My family pretty much moved yearly after I was 12 and I knew I couldn't make close friends. My fantasizing slowed down when my second younger brother was born when I was 11. I had to take care if him and he felt like my baby. He loved me and needed me. Then my youngest brother was born when I was 14. I only remember feeling three things when I was a teenager: taking care of my brothers, succeeding in school so I could go to college and get away, and wishing my parents cared that I existed the way I was.

I did go away to college and had a great 4 years. After I graduated I moved back to the city my family had ended up in because my mother had finally left my psychopathic father and I felt like I needed to be there for my brothers. I often felt guilty for leaving them, but knew I needed to. I wasted my expensive college education for 6 years while I waited tables and bartended. I met a friend who introduced me to partying and drugs and the years slipped away with me feeling a false sense of belonging. This friend ended up cheating on her husband (also my friend and still my friend) with my teenage brother. The one born when I was 11 who I loved so much. I felt total betrayal. She and my brother are still together, caught up in a web of hate, lies, and manipulation. They are also parents to two precious children who I love dearly.

When I decided to try therapy 15 months ago I was in a depression because it was the second time in 4 years that I was "dead" to my brother and the kids (that's another long story and this one is already long enough). My parents and 2 other brothers went along with them because they were afraid of being cut off from the kids too. No one stood up for me and I honestly did nothing wrong. It was his wife, my ex friend an now enemy, who made up lies to get him to banish me.

So it's really hard for me to feel belonging because if years if abandonment, abuse and betrayal. I'm so numb to feelings, I probably wouldn't know it if I had it. If I had it I'd screw it up by pushing anyone away. I am a master of minimizing and can actually convince myself that everything (that I can remember anyway) was nothing to be upset about. I've pushed so much so far down that I don't remember a lot. Then I get myself thinking that there is nothing and I'm just crazy and shouldn't be feeling so much pain. Maybe I'm trying to make stuff up or remember stuff that doesn't exist. Dies anyone ever feel this way?

I still have trouble sharing in therapy and don't trust T even though she's great. I just know she's going to have enough of me soon. I numb out and freeze and can't share, even when I've rehearsed and/or bring my journal. I nearly always feel nothing until after I leave. I want therapy to work and I can't do it! Does anyone else experience similar patterns or feelings? I dissociate by going into daydreams, but I don't have other parts. I especially hate when T gets silent, waiting for me to feel or let something sink in, and I'll go somewhere else in my mind and forget what we're talking about. I don't know how to stay present and have feelings.

I would be so grateful for any thoughts, ideas, suggestions ir feedback anyone can provide. I feel like I'm running out of time and I not want to be a failure at therapy too.

Thank you,
Raven