Hi Intense

Welcome to the forum!

Your situation sounds similar to one I went through with my P a few months ago. I'll give you a bit of background so you know where I'm coming from.

I had gone to a P at the direct suggestion and referral of my GP because I was having some anxiety and depression issues around my job. I always thought Therapy was stupid, a waste of time and made people worse if anything. I went hesitantly to see what if anything it would do for me, but in going I felt like I was being made to go by my GP, even though it was my decision and I went on my own accord.

Similar to you I had been in therapy once a week for about 5 months. I said very little during my sessions, never opened up, felt like it was a waste of time, I had no breakthroughs and was seriously stuck. That said .. I wanted to be there and I realized that yeah, I need some help here and this Dr. is going to do that for me. So I would say hi, talk a little about my week, then NOTHING for the next 45 minutes! I had no idea where to start, what to say, I felt stupid ... yadda yadda. I know I have huge issues, but I just didn't get the process or how to talk to someone because I just didn't do that sort of thing (talk to people about me).

I turned to her one day and I said "You know, I have really nothing to say and this is silly". She immediately went from a sweet, caring, compassionate Dr to what appeared to me as angry, bitter and irritated. She slapped my file open and snapped "Fine, you are obviously not ready to participate in this process, so we'll end the sessions and should you ever be prepared to offer something to this, you can call me and we will look at it again!"

I wanted to say FU B--CH! and I felt it coming out of my mouth, but all of a sudden I started to tremble and bawl right there in front of her (I had never done that infront of ANY person before and I haven't since). I realized at that very point that I was not just wasting her valuable time (I don't pay for my sessions), but I was effectively sabotaging myself by not participating. I told her that I was scared, that I didn't know how to communicate the way she wanted me to, but that I knew I wanted and needed to be there, and even though I didn't say anything I felt like I trusted her and when something was ready to come out I knew that she would be there for me. She snapped back to her 'normal' self and told me that she was glad that we had made a breakthrough. My GP felt that she used this as a tactic used to see if I really wanted to be there. It worked, because I didn't say 'you know what' and walk out to never return (that's the type of person I am)

That was only about 3 months ago. I'm still quiet for about 1/4 of my sessions, but I put more of myself out there for her to see each visit. Between that breakthrough and now I found this site and have learned to express myself much better, and have found that I'm not alone in how I feel about a lot of things. I attribute much of my new success to this forum and the people I talk to everyday (even the ones I bicker with ) I hope that it can benefit you as it did me.

My point finally (believe it or not I actually do have one in there), is that 6 months isn't a lot of time in therapy for those of us that have trust issues and problems sharing ourselves with others. A breakthrough will come when you are ready to trust your P/T and when you are ready to offer more of yourself to them for exploration. A good P/T understands that this is hard for some of us, and will be patient and prodding to try and get you to a place where you feel safe enough to participate.

My assumption is that you are feeling embarrassed about walking out, and now you are questioning if you did the right thing. My suggestion (seeing as you asked hehehe) is onve of two things. If you felt like you could work again with the T you had, call him to set up another appointment and wait to discuss your feelings and fears with him about what had happened until that day. I waould certainly ask him how he even felt about getting patient calls on the weekends .. we have to respect their boundaries too (I only say this becasue I know how hard it is to work with clients during the week for 10hrs a day and then to have to take calls at night and on the weekends - it was really hard on me and my family). My other suggestion is that if you don't feel safe with him, or that you can trust him. Find another Therapist and start fresh, but tell yourself that you need to try harder to participate and get all you can from the Dr, and the money you are investing.

Personally I don't call my P, I always wait until my session no matter what is going on, but that's just my issue with not wanting to bother people with my stuff, and she prefers not to be called by patients except to reschedule appts. I understand that they have their lives and it doesn't revolve around me. They are drained all week long, the weekends they need to take care of them. But that's my opinion. So I can understand that your T said he had his own personal things to take care of and that's why he didn't return your call.
THAT SAID, he had no right to call you immature.
But I also don't think that ethically they can try to talk you out of quitting, and that's why he said that he'd be there if you needed him again. I wonder if he was trying to do what my P did to me .. shock you into realizing that HEY, I DON'T WANT TO QUIT, and I'm here to fix me. Obviously that backfired for him seeing as you walked out and said you'd never return.

Okay, I have to go ... lucky for you and everyone else. I hope that my post was of some benefit to you.

I look forward to talking to you again. Be well!

Holly

Thank you Holly!

It's nice feeling you're not always alone...
I still feel like s--- and I now know that I probably overreacted, still I'll have to wait a few days to think things over and really decide what to do, because as of now I'm mortified.
And what's done is done there is no going back!
I need therapy but am not thrilled with trying to find a new T, we?ll see.

Hi intense,
Welcome to the forums! One of the nice things about therapy is that you can ALWAYS go back. I saw my first T over a period of 20 years through three or four runs of therapy. The second time I just dissappeared on her. We had finished up 15 weeks of group therapy, and I just didn't make another individual appt, didn't call, nada. Around 3 years later I needed to go back and she was great about it. I did apologize and promised I wouldn't do that again. She retired around three years ago but gave enough notice that we had time to really process the ending. So I would trust your T that he meant what he said, you're welcome to come back.

On the other hand, he seemed to have reacted very defensively to your frustration with therapy. I wonder if he's feeling frustrated and like he may be failing so he threw it back on you.

But either way, with a new T or going back to the old T, stick with the therapy, it really can make a tremendous difference in your life, it just takes a while. And btw, you're not pathetic. It's really scary going to therapy and it's completely understandable that you responded the way you did.

AG

Hi AG,
Thanks!
I've been reading a few posts and it helps to understand a lot of things!
About my T really meaning what he said I'm not so sure; right now I think he said it because he had to, it's his job. I am scared, maybe too much, so like I said above I'll have to wait a few days to see.
Is it really normal to feel like this? I feel like I'm mourning over therapy...

Hi Intense,

I'm glad you posted.

Mourning a Therapy rel'n is actually pretty normal. Even if it seemed to not go all that well, there would be a connection, an attachment to this person who provided attention to you, your emotional needs and was caring (shrinks usually care, I think?). Just like when we're kids and our parents don't give us a healthy atunement experience, the same can happen in therapy. Childhood attachment injury is pretty common, where kids didn't get their emotional needs met (they feel alone, scared, not noticed, a burden, bad, unable to soothe their own emotional distress, etc)...and we see it show up rather rudely in adults who were not supported enough to grow a strong sense of self (it's also the basis of kids disorders such as ADHD). Attachment injury is the biggest reason I've been in therapy for the past 5 years.

I also want to ad that my therapist has said many times that a therapist can only take a client as far as they have healed themselves...so if the therapist has an unhealed attachment injury of his or her own...then you're pretty well guaranteed a rough ride.

Mourning the loss of any therapy rel'n is painful ..so let yourself grieve. Take real good care this wknd and I hope you keep posting to let us know how you're doing.

I hope that made a bit of sense?

Karie

Hi Intense – welcome! I am new here as well and have found this to be a very friendly, helpful place.

I would have to agree with Attachment Girl – “But either way, with a new T or going back to the old T, stick with the therapy, it really can make a tremendous difference in your life, it just takes a while. And btw, you're not pathetic. It's really scary going to therapy and it's completely understandable that you responded the way you did.”

When I started working with my T he told me straight up that therapy was “damn hard, painful work” and he sure was right, but that said, I have found therapy to be extremely helpful and though there are tough times, and it’s been scary - it has shown me a lot of good, positive things in myself as well. Give yourself some time and try again, or try another T who might be a better match for you.
MP

Another day, I'm definitely mourning.
All I want to do is call my T(which I wouldn't do on a weekend ever again), apologize and re-schedule an appointment.I really liked my rel'n with him until last week. Still, I have trust issues and those won't go away anytime soon, or are in any way related to my T(or they weren't before). I would feel the same way with any other T as well...And yes, therapy can be scary, but quitting before time is worse!
Thank you for your posts, like MP said I have also found this to be a very friendly, helpful place! and thanks for the part telling me that I'm not pathetic, but it sure feels that way now and I can't help it.

I

quote:

thanks for the part telling me that I'm not pathetic, but it sure feels that way now and I can't help it.

I know that feeling is very strong and so present it feels like it MUST be true, but it's still only a feeling which means it's not neccessarily an accurate reflection of reality. Trust all of us, no patheticness involved.

And I think your realization that these trust issues are yours and will go with you is a really important one and a place that many people are never able to go.

Intense,

I've wanted to reply to this since you've posted, but I haven't felt well enough to think. While I'm still ill, I think I can think now.

I have a few points to make:

1. It wasn't right for your therapist to call you immature and impulsive. If it's true, then I could see it becoming a part of your therapy in a kind and respectful way. But, it sounds like he became defensive, and attacked. However, he's human, no? Perhaps if you decide to go back, you should confront him on this and tell him that it was painful, and you think it was inappropriate, even if you do this in a letter.

2. The relationship with your therapist is that, a relationship. In our friendships and relationships, there are occasionally glitches. If the relationship is worth keeping, it's worth working through these glitches. If I gave up on a relationship every time there was a glitch, I would have no relationships. I've found that when I work through these glitches, there is a deeper understanding of each other, and a closer relationship. I've found that the relationship has been tempered (is that the word? imagine a sword being hammered in the heat to become sharper, more effective, more sword-like, that's the word I'm looking for) by time and experience. It's worth working through the glitches, even though it's painful.

3. Our relationship with our therapist is different than any other relationship. It's a true opportunity to work through our stuff. Maybe in this instance, there's something for you to work through, perhaps having to do with abandonment issues. If he is able to not take it personally, and you are able to talk and talk and talk about what happened for you, and what you felt, it is a chance for you to get closer to your core issues.

4. Does he have a phone number that he doesn't answer that you can just leave a voicemail, telling him that you don't want to bother him on the weekend, but you are having a huge reaction to what happened, and you wanted to apologize for your behavior, or whatever? This might alleviate some of what you're feeling. Or, you might just want to wait until you see him. But, then you'd probably be rolling around with all of the feelings.

5. Perhaps you could write him a letter explaining your reactions and feelings about it. I always find this helpful.

6. Therapy is hard. Issues arise. I can't tell you how many times I've seriously considered quitting, but I'm grateful that I haven't. So, if you stick with him or move on, I hope you continue with therapy.

7. If you feel attached to him, and that, so far, therapy has worked with him, I challenge you to take the opportunity to work through a touchy issue rather than running from it.

8. Therapists deal with people and their deep issues. People get angry and quit therapy and come back, and get angry at their therapists for not being every thing that they want them to be (which might often come from the lack of what we got from our parents), and get angry at them for challenging them, or for not giving them all of the answers, etc. My point is therapists are used to people becoming angry with them. A good therapist will use this as an opportunity to help the person to work through their issues. I hope that your T can do this for you.

I hope all of this makes sense and is helpful. Good luck to you! Come back and let us know what you decide and how it works for you.

catgirl

I actually left my T a voicemail yesterday. He called me backed telling me we have an appointment Mon. to talk about whatever is going on. But he sounded angry, maybe it's just me right now feeling too sensitive and vulnerable but that's what I felt. We'll see tomorrow, I'm actually scared.
Thank you all, it has been really helpful!!! I'll keep you posted

Hi intense and welcome. I just want to add that sometimes we hear our Ts as angry or upset and they are not. I have suffered through this as well but have now learned after 15 months of therapy to ask him about it. 99% of the time my perception of him being angry with me is totally wrong. The good part is that he will then ask me about it .. what did he do or say to give me that impression and that usually opens doors to the underlying issues which need to be discussed and addressed.

What you are feeling I think it that you want to run towards your T because you really do feel that you need him and then you want to run away from him too because of all the feelings and emotions that get churned up in therapy that scare you. This was a very familiar feeling for me and I would tell my T that I had one foot out the door. And even when things were going well I was hyper-alert for any reason to run from him. Then of course there were those sessions where I would open up and tell him things and then leave and sit in the car and think "OMG... WHAT did I just tell him!!?" and get totally freaked out.

I think most of us share these feelings. It's very normal in therapy to go through this constant questioning of "should I stay or should I go?" My answer is to stay. And I have to believe it will be worth it in the end or I couldn't keep doing the work I need to do.

Hang in there and be open and honest with your T. I'm sure he will understand and help you through the feelings. And keep posting too.. it really does help.

True North

I totally relate to what you describe True North, the constant "should I stay or should I go" and I do freak out a lot (but never thought it would be even worse if I left)I feel literally sick.

Catgirl, I hope you're feeling better!

Hi Intense,

I'm glad that you called your T and that he is going to see you on Monday. I hope that he will be open to hearing you and not be so rude. Like TN said, we've all thought at one time or another that our T sounded angry about something .. but in reality we were reading into it wrong. So go in there and lay it out on the line and get what you need out of your session.

Let us know how it goes

Be well!

Holly

Ok, I went to therapy yesterday with my same T.
I was out and open about how he made me feel last week. He listened and was calm. He asked why I think I should continue with him even though I sometimes do not trust him (and we went over my trust issues, etc)
The thing is that after the session he told me he didn't know if he could continue seeing me. He said he felt frustrated that maybe he wasn't helping or couldn't help me.That he needed to consult with his superior on my case and then make a decision. This felt like a knife to me. And here I relate to some other people in this forum, I felt (and still do) completely inadequate, like I'm not worth it, and there's definitely something really wrong with me...I mean if my own therapist or any other T or P can't help me than who can, right?
I am grateful for his honesty but I do feel rejected and once again abandoned. There is a reason I don't trust people, and I was proved right once again. I didn't write yesterday because I felt so bad. I've tried my best to get out of the hole I'm in (and I mean reaaallyyy tried these past months) and coming back to this site helps at least in a small way which for now is enough to not totally give up!
I'm sorry to be in such a negative mood, but the idea is to be honest right?
Thanks

P.S. He said he would call me towards the end of the week,and I actually don't care if he does or doesn't anymore, all I want is to feel better at some point. Today is not a good day to make decisions.

quote:

Originally posted by intense:
I'm sorry to be in such a negative mood, but the idea is to be honest right?

Intense,
No apologies necessary for feeling how you feel. That's what we're here for.

I am so sorry that it ended that way for you. You were vulnerable. You opened yourself up. You took a huge risk. Then, it's like he slammed the door in your face. That must be so painful. I would feel abandoned and rejected, too. He definitely didn't do much to help your trust issues. In fact, he probably did the opposite. Now, you're probably less likely to open up and be honest and trust someone in the future.

The truth is, it's his limitations, not yours. If he's saying he's not sure he can help you, that's him, not you. He's saying that he doesn't know if he has the tools and knowledge, not that you're some type of freak. Right now, I know it's probably impossible for you to hear that, because you're blaming yourself. You said, "I felt (and still do) completely inadequate, like I'm not worth it, and there's definitely something really wrong with me...I mean if my own therapist or any other T or P can't help me than who can, right?" It's not you. It's him. It's his limitations in his career. There are plenty of therapists out there who would be able to connect with and work with you. I hope some small part of you can hear that it's not about there being anything wrong with you.

Maybe he's not the right T for you. Maybe he'll come back and say that he wants to keep working with you. What do you think you'll do next?

Whatever you decide, we'll support you. Let us know how you're feeling over the next few days.

catgirl

Hi Intense.

Sorry to hear that after you found it in yourself to be open with your T, that he derailed you at the end of the session. Personally if he had any doubts about his treatment, or ability to help you, he should have kept that to himself, consulted with his superiors THEN told you the situation, and ONLY if it came down to him not being able to help you further. Who does that .. tell someone I don't think I can help you but I'll talk to someone about it and let you know at the end of the week if I can or can't continue!? Personally and honestly (and sorry, honesty (as I see it) is my 'thing' here!) .. I think he's an A--H-LE and you should look for someone who is better suited to help you. Finding a T or P that fits YOU is kind of like investing in a really good pair of shoes. You aren't going to pay $300.00 for a pair of shoes if they don't fit you just right, so why would you invest your money and your life in a thereapist that doesn't fit ... just right!?

I totally agree with CG - it's his problem not yours and you shouldn't take it to heart. I'm very glad that you have this forum to come to, and I hope that you visit often when you are feeling like you need the support. One thing you can trust in is the ability to feel listened to and respected when you are here!

Be well !

Holly

Okay, I can be a little TEENIE tiny bit disrespectful once in a blue moon .. right CG!
For the most part I'm okay

What you've related sounds terribly frustrating. Sometimes it can be tough to tease apart what you are feeling from how you think your T is feeling or acting. At some level, you have to trust yourself to know if something is wrong with the match between you and your T. It sounds like you may not end up making this decision, which can feel awful.

Remember that therapists are people too, they have flaws and feelings just like the rest of us. Being dropped by a therapist doesn't make you a waste of time or inadequate. (I know, easy to say, not so easy to believe.)

My heart goes out to you, I hope you are able to navigate to a better situation, with or without your current T.

Intense, how have you been doing? I'm new to this site and have read this topic for the first time...my heart goes out to you too! I was dropped by a T approx 15 yrs ago for 'having a strong mothering rxn to her'..and all of that really hurt and made me feel like there was something seriously wrong with me..in fact, I'm still not over that one!...have you found another T? What was the outcome of the original one? I hope you are okay and I look forward to your posts. mlc

Mic, I have been reading the posts this past month, but it hasn't been a good month at all... to say the least. Well, I'm still around (good or bad depending on the point of view)
I took some time off therapy. My old T called me back and asked to talk. I went as I really do like him inspite of how pathetic that makes me (having gone through what I did with him)and he was extremely open about what had happened or at least that's how it felt at the time(you see, I have major trust issues)or maybe he just felt sorry for me, who knows.
We talked A LOT and he explained why he said what he said and told me he just wanted me to react (obviously not the way I did)and that he wanted to continue therapy and that he was sorry for how things had turned out, that he had made the mistake not me etc...
Of course I accepted to go back being as needy as I am. I was just so happy . Now I'm not so sure anymore (again)

This is the reason I haven't posted anymore, my thoughts are so negative there's not much to give. And everyone's so wonderful here, it just doesn't feel fair.(and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your support!)
But I do feel something's really wrong with me, and that's something I can't change, at least not right now.
Anyway, thanks for caring Mic!It does help to feel less "alone". I've read your posts, I can definitely relate to some situations, I wish I could be more open or communicative like you(and most of the people around here)
My best to all of you out there!

HI you guys

mlc I know what you mean. Does that mother longing ever truly go away? I have struggled with that most of my life. All that I can remember anyway.

Intense,

I too can relate to what you have written here. I have stayed away because to be honest what is going on for me in therapy and in my life seems by far too negative to write about here. I saw a therapist for almost 16 years and now it seems she actually almost hates me. I was so upset at her leaving that she began to resent me and finally told me that if I didn't stop trying to contact her that she'd take legal action. Well that scared the crap out of me but also left me feeling like some sort of freak. Other people tell me that she's nuts etc. but deep down inside I really wonder about myself.

What did your T mean when he said he just wanted you to react? That seems odd to me. Almost careless. I mean if you are working on trust issues do you really need someone who's going to just say things to make you react? Say things that aren't even true? I don't know. I mean I understand that it is probably way more complex than what you can describe here but I feel protective of you.

Hi Intense and Jo,

So far I've read you guys expressing feelings--rejection, fear, feeling like a freak or wrong--nothing 'negative'...I find your expressions cathartic(sp? right use?) for myself...I do hope you both keep posting; I can relate to both of you!...and Intense, I do find you open and communicative, too! You guys aren't 'wrong'...your feelings aren't wrong, you both as people aren't wrong...please know that...and Jo, I too wish I could protect you guys both from feeling so wrong/negative....your feelings are valid! mlc

Hi mlc

Yeah but this is me holding back!

Anyway I do appreciate your support.

It does help to read about other people's experiences in here too.

If I knew for a fact that my identity was completely anonymous and no one would ever be able to figure out who I am I would be a lot more candid. But as it stands I am not certain that is that case. I would love to openly talk about exactly what I am going through but so often you see guests here and no offense to them at all but you just have to wonder who is reading all of this. Did I wake up on the paranoid side of the bed this morning?

Hi everyone, I never thought I would have the nerve to post. I am one of those guests who have read this board for a long time without registering. I found this board back when transference was such a hot topic. This place and the people who post here have helped me more than words could ever express. The wisdom,understanding and acceptance that I find here is priceless. I am sure that there are alot of other guests who are like me afraid that I have nothing to offer but screaming YES! YES! I have found people who "know me". One of my biggest regrets has been not acknowledging whoever it was that made that one statement about transference that opened the floodgates for me to be open with my T and talk to her about transference. Whoever you were and I can not even remember how you said it but what freedom it brought me! Thank you.

Welcome Tues., I am new, too..I'm glad you posted!

Do you remember what the statement about transference was that caused you to open up to your T?(I'm just curious...I have transference issues myself--I'm thinking the words might help me as well...). I hope you keep posting...mlc

Thanks for the greetings MIC and Summer. MIC I wish I could remember the poster and words. I have major trouble with recalling info. As I said I regret not saving the post and thanking the person. What I can tell you is I know the hell of transference. What I also know now is no matter how painful or scary it is to discuss this with your T it is life changing! I was convinced when I finally spilled my guts she would call the cops and escort my crazy ass right out of her office. Instead I was treated with such compassion, empathy, understanding etc. ALL that good stuff that I was not use to receiving. I had researched her to the point of ridiculous and had so much personal info on her and her family. When I told her she did not even ask what info I had gathered she just wanted to know if it helped me do the work that I needed to do there. I said yes and she said that is all that matters. When I told her I had stolen a painting in her waiting room because it was so peaceful to me( I stole it and brought it back in 15 minutes cause I am screwed up but still try to do what is right)I fully expected her to come down on me hard and she just said well why wouldn't you want to recreate that feeling of peace that you find here in your home? So, I saved the hardest one for last, I told her about my feelings of wanting to harm her even though she had never done anything but help me. I sure didn't understand that one. She just reminded me that is how I handle people that I have trouble with so why should I feel any differently with our relationship. I learned that day that I could TRUST HER WITH ANYTHING! That is why now after a break I have gone back to finally deal with all of the CSA. NEVER did I ever think I could open up to anyone about that stuff. The painful journey has begun but I know I am in good hands.

Hi Tues.

I can sooo relate to what you just wrote--even the part about wanting to hurt your T. I used to(and images still flash thru my mind) have thoughts of doing unspeakable things to my T--and they seemed to come out of nowhere/on their own..that is, I couldn't seem to control them. I felt/feel like such a FREAK!and I love my T! I never knew anyone else to have thoughts like that! I do it with anything good in my life ex) I used to worry about harming my innocent cats and yet I wasn't aware of any anger or anything towards them--they were just innocent, unconditional loving beings and I had visions of hurting them!!! mlc

Hi HB,

Have you been able to identify what the fear is about?(abandonment, boundary violation, etc?). I am going to try to look deeper into this myself...so far the fear I think I identify is being hurt by abandonment? I am going to talk more to my T re this topic this week. Thank You for your insights! I hope you are doing okay--I read your other post re the violence going on around you and that must be terrifying(I wish I knew how to protect you...)mlc.

Hey Tuesday @11:00 I love your ID! It's perfect for this board!

I saw the title of a book once called "Terrifying tranferences" or something like that. I have always been interested in getting it but didn't have the nerve. Plus it's super expensive but I think I saw it cheap on ebay.

My belief is that if we are brought up in a violent or psychologically terroristic environment there is no way we are not going to incorporate some of that into ourselves. When I was a kid I used to fantasize about killing my parents. I never understood why and it upset me a lot. I mean it was intense. I think one night when I was about 13 yrs old I stood by their beds with a butcher knife thinking I'd stab my dad first then my mom. Well my dad would have over powered me so there was no chance in hell but I never did anything. But the fact that I got that close scared me. Now so many years later I learned through my siblings that my dad used to beat the crap out of all of us. I thought I was exempt from that treatment because I have absolutely blocked it out of my mind. But all my siblings talk about it freely and though they all have different reactions to it (from pain to indifference) no one denies it.

It's the weirdest thing to me to know that such violence was a common experience in my childhood but that I do not recall it. I remember my dad beating my sisters but I thought when it came to me he just didn't do it. WRONG. So now i think back to that kid who wanted to kill her parents. NO wonder.

Hi Jo, Mic and HB. So nice to know I am not the only one who has plotted violence against others. Before therapy I was convinced I was an evil person. I am learning my thoughts of violence was all about survival. When my sister and I were younger we use to plot ways to kill my dad. We suffered mightily at his hands. He has been dead for nearly 11 years and I still thank God he is gone. How sad to have lived a life such as his and to leave a wife and three kids behind who did not grieve his death but celebrated it. Thank God for therapy! I am 51 yrs old and I am not leaving this earth with all of this garbage. I will be free to live peacefully and to die peacefully. In the meantime, my T needs to keep eating her Wheaties!