Big slap in the face to T1, feeling guilty.

ladygreyMember

T1 has been pushing me to go on anti-depressants. I have not had positive experiences with meds in the past and am very reluctant to go back on them. I truly believe that they will make things worse for me. I know they have helped many, but for me, they have only made my depression and suicidal thoughts worse.

I've told T1 about my experiences with meds and she continues to pressure me to go to a psychiatrist to get on meds. On Friday she basically told me that therapy alone isn't helping me and I either need hospitalization (which she claimed was T2s idea) or meds. I said if I have to choose between the two, I will go on meds.

So I made an appointment with a psych for next week, but after doing so I became extremely pissed off about it and texted T1:

me: I really don't feel that I am being heard when I say that I have had negative experiences with anti-depressants. I am not happy with the direction my therapy with you is headed in. I feel passed off to someone else. It feels like you don't care. I do not feel that meds are in my best interest but are instead being pushed on me to remove liability for you and T2 and make you both feel more at ease. I feel my experience with meds is being totally disregarded for your peace of mind."

T1 wrote back:
"Want to say that this has NOTHING to do with liability. I care about you and am scared you are going to die if you continue to binge and purge. I just want to keep you alive. Ultimately it is your decision if you want to take meds. I would never pass you off to anyone else and have tried to show you that I will never give up on you. My concern is genuine".

So then I felt really shitty. I texted her back:
I'm sorry for thinking that. That must have been a slap in the face after all that you have done to show me that you care. Very shitty of me and I am truly sorry. I know that you genuinely care. I don't deserve it, but I do appreciate all that you do to show it. "

and then she didn't write back. Now I'm worried that she's really pissed and/or hurt. I'm worried that I've come across as totally ungrateful and bitchy. T1 has really bent over backwards to be there for me....texting me multiple times EVERY single day and night. I mean, she really has done so much for me. She has continued to work with me even though she cannot see me in person and feels uncomfortable with the arrangement because she feels that she really should see me in person since I have an eating disorder. But she has been willing to be accomodating and flexible in the arrangement and here I go practically spitting in her face telling her she's just passing me off to someone else.

UGH. Why i am such a bitch?!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so ashamed of my behavior. I'm worried she's thinking, "what an unappreciaive little bitch. I text her every f'ing night before I go to bed and she's telling me I don't care?"

How dare i? seriously. I mean, how dare I?

4/18/116:06 PM

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yakusokuMember

LG - I honestly think if that's how you were feeling, expressing it honestly is the very best thing and what most Ts would want from you. I would hazard a guess that even if your T was bummed that you felt she didn't care, she didn't take it personally. She has been a T for many years and they are trained to not take things personally, and to get their own therapy when it becomes difficult. And even if she was hurt, I'm sure your apology and appreciation of all she does should have more than covered it. My T has only suggested meds once and just as an aside, so I can't say much about that, but sometimes I feel pushed off into the spiritual stuff, like he'd rather I go deal with God than have to deal with me himself, so I get those feelings.

It hurts and I think the pain and anger are justifiable if that's the message you were hearing. It may not have been the message T1 intended, but it's important that she knows what you hear when she says those sort of things, either so she can communicate more clearly with you in the future or you guys can work together to discover what is triggering you to hear it so differently than she means it and what (probably in the past) might cause your interpretation to be different than hers.

4/18/116:43 PM

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ladygreyMember

Yaku,

You've mentioned a couple of times that you have felt that you feel your T would rather you rely on God than on him. Have you told him this? I think you should talk to him about this. I know that can't feel good, but I am thinking perhaps it something you may be misinterpreting because everything else you've said about your T seems to indicate that he cares a great deal about you and wants to be there for you when you need him.

DF,

Your T told you that you are a liability? UGh. how tacky! I mean, sure that is what they are thinking but they are supposed to totally deny that! lol

T1 wrote me back and said, "its ok, I know the Rx is a scary topic. "

So I guess she's not mad but I honestly do think that her feelings were hurt and that sort of breaks my heart a little to know that I was so mean to her. But I also know I can't continue to push the conversation with her because as we all know, if she was hurt, its for her to take care of and not me. UGH. Damn. I hate that sometimes. Wish I could send her flowers and give her a hug to say I'm sorry without it being creepy or boundary pushing.

4/18/116:49 PM

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yakusokuMember

LG - Yeah, I have identified it to him, but it usually comes up via text or journal entries (email), so we haven't talked much about it in person. The reason is, it usually comes up in the middle of the week when he responds to my texts in certain ways. Every time I tell him I'm feeling pushed away, like I am too much for him to deal with and I should go away and get (the care I need) from God, he reassures me that I'm not a burden. We spent a lot sessions early on talking about MY perception that relying on people made me "bad," because I wasn't relying on God. Theologically and intellectually, I know that's not true, but internally, it feels true. T said he thinks those ideas are a defense against (read: excuse) getting close to and depending on others who might hurt me. So, yeah, we have talked about it and I think the message I get from T is that the feeling of being pushed away to God is actually internal to me and not something he is trying to do. He sees Jesus as central, yes, but doesn't see my needing him so much as incompatible with that idea at all. I think *I* am the one always reading that in there. So, my options are: keep asking T to change the way he words things in the hopes that I won't be ABLE to hear that message; or get down to the root of WHY *I* feel needing people is incompatible with faith and so easily feel pushed away from T.

Sorry, I just made this all about me. But, it does kind of relate to feeling foisted off on another resource, which brings on those worries that our Ts feel we are way too much for them to handle without some other resource to stack the odds in their favor...

4/18/117:01 PM

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ladygreyMember

I'm thinking T1 is actually maybe a little mad at me because on Friday when I talked to her, we scheduled an appointment for wednesday. I wanted Tuesday but she said Weds worked a little better but that she said if I needed to do Tuesday too, that she could make that happen and to just let her know. So I texted her and asked if we could do tomorrow. She texted back that she doesn't have any time tomorrow. So now I'm confused as to why she would tell me she would make it happen if I needed it but then when it came down to it, she didn't. I'm thinking its because she is mad at me about my texts earlier. or because I won't go on medications. or both.

4/18/119:15 PM

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seablueMember

((((LG))))
Maybe she could have worked it out earlier but at this point she can't??

I really doubt she would try to get back at you by holding an appt time you wanted. I know you are left feeling anxious until you can talk to her.

I hope you can talk through it with her tomorrow and find some resolve about this, the texts, and the medication issue.
seablue

4/19/117:38 AM

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jonesMember

Hmm, DF & LG - I am hearing a big difference between 'there's a liability issue' and 'you are a liability'.

Just sayin.

Take care,
Jones

4/19/117:46 AM

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ladygreyMember

Yeah, I'm not hearing the difference between those two statements, Jones, but it is giving me something to think about.

4/19/114:24 PM

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jonesMember

quote:
Originally posted by deepfried:
quote:
'there's a liability issue'

Jones - in this sentence though... what is the subject? If a T said "there's a liability issue" and the client asked "what's the issue?" wouldn't the T's response include the word 'you'? Like "Your ______ problem" "You doing/being ______" ? I dunno I guess I am just arguing ways to find that it is me (at least in my situation) that is the liability. The two sound the same to me... a liability issue involving me still sounds like me.

Hi DF & LG -

"You are a liability to me" means, literally, "You are my responsibility or obligation". There's also a strong connotation of a burden. The implication is - irrespective of what the T does, irrespective of what you do, you are a burden to the T. This is not about the T's choices, or the structure of the professional relationship, or about your choices of behaviour, it's a value judgement of your character and worth.

But when a T is talking about their liability, they are talking about their responsibilities and obligations to their professionalism. So they have to respond in certain ways to be professional. They can't control whether you harm yourself or not, but there are only certain paths that they can professionally endorse and support. If they chose paths of treatment that are known to be professionally unsafe and unsound, then they would be responsible - liable - for any harm that resulted to you.

Hope that helps.

Jones

4/19/118:31 PM

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ladygreyMember

JOnes,

Thank you for explaining. I see the distinction you are making more clearly now.

4/20/113:32 PM

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