((((((LG)))))))) I'm sending you some hugs and hope it helps at least a tiny bit. I really do understand how you are feeling as I had a couple of MAJOR disruptions with oldT regarding meds. We just could never agree and it ended up being part of my downfall with him.

I'm sorry she could not hear you and that you felt uncared for or unliked and disrespected. All bad feelings for sure. I hope in time feelings will settle down and you can both have a good talk about this.

Hugs
TN

Thank you two for the hugs.

I tried to talk to T1 about how the conversation was feeling to me, and not only did she repeatedly cut me of, she also said, "i don't want to get distracted by how you are feeling about this. we could easily get distracted and off topic..you are very skilled at doing that.

Ouch.

I called T2 in tears and left a very short message with a shaky voice that she's never heard before. I've never called her out of the blue. Havent talked to her in 5 weeks and this is the message she got. I'm embarrassed that I was such a mess on the phone. all I said was, "Hi T2, this is Ladygrey. Please call me." and my voice was all crackly and my breathing was like hyperventilating. Oh gosh. I wish I hadn't left that message.

T2 called me back right away and we are going to do a phone session at 4pm today.

Basically the conversation with T1 was about meds. She has been pushing meds for a while, but I have resisted. However, I am now at a point medically where if I continue to binge and purge, I could die. I have had five surgeries on my esophagus since February. I am looking at having to have my esophagus removed and rebuilt using my stomach. Its a risky proceedure and I am refusing the recommended surgery. So basically any time I binge and purge, I could be at risk for another ruptured esophagus and septic shock.

Because of this, T1 is adament that I get an anti-anxiety med to help me in the times when I feel at risk for purging. I am reluctant and resistant. she says I am stubborn and in denial about how much my life is at risk. I do not disagree with her about this.

What I am upset about, however, is the way in which she approached the topic with me. I had asked her last week if we could leave 8 minutes at the end of each session to help me calm down and get my anxiety in check as sometimes my therapy tends to stir things up and put me at risk for eating disorder stuff. She agreed and said we could definitely do that.

So today, she is hard-nosed and cold. She cut me off repeatedly. When I tried to let her know that the conversation was anxiety-provoking for me, she said, "I knew you would blame me for your anxiety". Which of course made things worse for me.

There was a lot of silence. I would finally cave in and try to express how I was feeling and each time I was met with her cutting me off and talking down to me.

She said, "I care about you, I don't want you to die, that is my first priority above and beyond your feelings right now". But the way i saw it was that the conversation itself was putting me at risk of purging, so if she really cared about my dying, why was she continuing to be so cold. I tried to tell her that it wasn't that she wanted me to go on meds that was upsetting, but that it was the way in which the conversation was being dealt with that was upsetting to me. She didn't care. She didn't want to "go down that road" with me. She didn't want to "get off topic".

Then, at the end of the session, she denied me those 8 minutes of calming and nurturing that I had asked for last week. It was the 1 thing I asked for...and she denied me that. Instead she just scheduled an appointment and got off the phone with me. I hung up on her without saying goodbye.

I feel so hurt that she didn't care about my anxiety. It just doesn't make sense to me that she would say she is so worried about me dying, but then continue to put me in a situation where my anxiety was being provoked ...and she wouldn't help me calm down. I feel abandoned when I needed her.

I am also really disappointed in the quality of my therapy. Her saying things like, "See, I knew you would blame me for your anxiety" when I was mid-sentence in trying to tell her how I was feeling seemed like she was tending to her needs and not my own. I feel like the conversation had a lot more to do with her than me.

I am also suspecting that because she has said that she will never terminate my therapy, she is trying to push me to the point of not wanting to work with her anymore because she secrectly does not want to work with me, but doesn't want to break her promise not to terminate (sort of like what Beebs' T did to her). I feel like this is her way of getting ME to do the terminating. Be a total shitty therapist and complete bitch until this crazy patient dumps me so I don't have to deal with her anymore...

Sigh. I am really spinning from how little she cared about provoking me today. It just feels so intentional on her part.

I am hoping that T2 can calm me down and help me get into a better spot, but I am also worried that she is also going to provoke me to the point of no return.

I have an appt with T1 scheduled for tomorrow, but I don't want to keep it. I'm terrified of being hurt even more.

LG, I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this but I do think she cares..a lot. I think this is why she is pushing the med issue.

You state "I tried to tell her that it wasn't that she wanted me to go on meds that was upsetting, but that it was the way in which the conversation was being dealt with that was upsetting to me."

(sorry, haven't got the hang of quoting and stuff yet)

Does she fully understand your reasons? (sorry if you have stated them before)

LG...maybe she is risking you hurting because she wants you to BE HERE and safe...sorry LG if I am speaking out of turn...but from what I have read I do think she cares a great deal...and maybe that gets in the way of her professional judgement?

I hope you can work this out with her

(((LG))) Faith xx

quote:

Originally posted by Faithless:
LG, I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this but I do think she cares..a lot. I think this is why she is pushing the med issue.

You state "I tried to tell her that it wasn't that she wanted me to go on meds that was upsetting, but that it was the way in which the conversation was being dealt with that was upsetting to me."

(sorry, haven't got the hang of quoting and stuff yet)

Does she fully understand your reasons? (sorry if you have stated them before)

LG...maybe she is risking you hurting because she wants you to BE HERE and safe...sorry LG if I am speaking out of turn...but from what I have read I do think she cares a great deal...and maybe that gets in the way of her professional judgement?

I hope you can work this out with her

(((LG))) Faith xx

Faith, I would agree with that except that she knew I was experiencing anxiety (which leads to binging and purging for me) in the conversation but refused to allow me to talk about it and made no attempts to calm me down or end the conversation on a positive note. If she cared about me and didn't want me to die, why would she leave me hanging like that? I feel like she is saying one thing and doing another.

((((LG))))) I'm sorry. I do agree that it came from a place of care for you and your well-being, but the way she went about it was undermining the whole point of what she was trying to do, and she didn't seem to understand your warnings about that. Feeling unheard when I am scared and in pain is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I bet if she had "heard" you about how you were feeling, the conversation would have only needed to take a slight detour to process that together, rather than going permanently off-topic. It sounds like something was a bit off today, but please try not to assume there is some giant, permanent shift in how she feels about you (i.e. believing you are being rejected/abandoned in a tricky way--I think hat about my own T on occasion). I hope your T2 calls you back soon and helps you work through your anxiety. Please take good care of yourself and keep working through your feelings here if it is helping you.

((((LG)))))

Aw LG, I doubt your T1 is trying to get rid of you. Your situation seems a lot different than mine was. She's been there for you all along. I would just hate to see my stuff, which I might even be wrong about, get projected around here. I don't think generally, T's behave that way. I think she is just sincerely and genuinely trying to "take the reins" in this situation...but what she is forgetting about is your "free will." That it is still, ultimately your decision, and she needs to respect that, since you are not a child anymore. At the same time she failed to provide the soothing and comforting that would have helped more than anything esle. I am sorry she failed you like that. I'm glad T2 is back. I think that if she had approached the subject with you, respectfully, gently, and with compassion and understanding for your feelings on the matter, instead of being so harsh and demanding about it, it would have helped you to be much more open to the idea, which seems like a reasonable one, but which is a scary one for you. It reminds me of my T on the money issue. He didn't want me to stay in therapy too long, because he was worried about me overspending my money on him without making progress. The whole issue is that I wasn't making progress because he was doing stuff like that, instead of relaxing and letting me decide what I thought was best for me. It hurts when T's don;t respect our free will and treat us like children who do not know what is best for ourselves or know how to take proper care of ourselves. I hope she will be more gentle with you next time, and that T2 will help you and treat you with respect.

Hugs, LG. Please go gently on yourself right now.

BB

Sorry LG....I really wasn't trying to be dismissive of how you feel and I am sorry you were left in such distress. I was trying to reassure you that she does care...and in so doing, also reduce your anxiety levels..((LG))

Hey everyone, I don't have time to reply to everybody right now but I will later and wanted to let you know that I have read your posts and truly appreciate feedback and the thought you put into your replies. ((((group hug))))

In the meantime, just want to say that I talked to T2 today for 45 mins for the first time in over 5 weeks! (she's been in Europe). She was amazing and I love that she called me back right away. It was so good to talk to her. She was so warm and empathetic. I cried into the phone and it felt safe to cry with her.

Also, want to say that I just got a text from T1 asking me, "R U going 2 fire me?"

I don't know why...but her text seemed so weird to me. At first I read it as her being vulnerable and being worried that she screwed up. Then when I had a few mins to think about it, I thought perhaps what she meant was, "are you going to fire me again? are you acting out again? are you being silly and dramatic again?" in an annoyed tone of voice....like sort of making fun of me (because I've fired her before)....sort of "oh, are you firing me again? lol whateva!"

Hi LG,

I see T1's text as a genuine question, like she does know she screwed up. Like the others, I really think she cares deeply about you and she probably realizes that it got in the way of realizing what you needed. Texts can be so ambiguous sometimes...are you going to text her back?

quote:

Originally posted by kashley:
Hi LG,

I see T1's text as a genuine question, like she does know she screwed up. Like the others, I really think she cares deeply about you and she probably realizes that it got in the way of realizing what you needed. Texts can be so ambiguous sometimes...are you going to text her back?

Kashley, yes I texted her back and said, "No" and then a few mins later I texted her and said, "Do you want me to?" and she wrote back, "absolutely not". I also told her that I sent her an email. In the email I explained how I felt after therapy today, the specific things that were said in therapy that were upsetting, and I said that I do not want to terminate my therapy, but that I am also terrified to have therapy with her tomorrow. I also TOLD HER THAT I LOVE HER!!! (never said that before!) but that I feel ill-equipped to deal with another session like today. I told her I am at a loss as how to proceed. She doesn't read her email often, so I don't know when she will read it.

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
((((LG))))) IIt sounds like something was a bit off today, but please try not to assume there is some giant, permanent shift in how she feels about you

Yaku,

This is so similar to what T2 said to me when I spoke with her today! She said that something seemed off about my session today, that it is not consistent with how things normally are between T1 and I, and that perhaps something was off with T1.

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
Aw LG, I doubt your T1 is trying to get rid of you. Your situation seems a lot different than mine was. She's been there for you all along. I would just hate to see my stuff, which I might even be wrong about, get projected around here. I don't think generally, T's behave that way. I think she is just sincerely and genuinely trying to "take the reins" in this situation...but what she is forgetting about is your "free will." That it is still, ultimately your decision, and she needs to respect that, since you are not a child anymore. At the same time she failed to provide the soothing and comforting that would have helped more than anything esle. I am sorry she failed you like that. I'm glad T2 is back. I think that if she had approached the subject with you, respectfully, gently, and with compassion and understanding for your feelings on the matter, instead of being so harsh and demanding about it, it would have helped you to be much more open to the idea, which seems like a reasonable one, but which is a scary one for you. It reminds me of my T on the money issue. He didn't want me to stay in therapy too long, because he was worried about me overspending my money on him without making progress. The whole issue is that I wasn't making progress because he was doing stuff like that, instead of relaxing and letting me decide what I thought was best for me. It hurts when T's don;t respect our free will and treat us like children who do not know what is best for ourselves or know how to take proper care of ourselves. I hope she will be more gentle with you next time, and that T2 will help you and treat you with respect.

Hugs, LG. Please go gently on yourself right now.

BB

Beebs,

I apologize if I perhaps used your situation with your T in a way that felt like I was making light of your situation. I guess I did see some parallels, but as you have pointed out, there are quite a few differences as well. Also, your situation didn't plant a seed in my mind that made me think my T was doing the same. I just thought T1 was trying to get rid of me and then a light bulb went off and I was like, "oh, that's what Beebs T did!"

quote:

Originally posted by Faithless:
Sorry LG....I really wasn't trying to be dismissive of how you feel and I am sorry you were left in such distress. I was trying to reassure you that she does care...and in so doing, also reduce your anxiety levels..((LG))

You weren't dismissive at all, hun! I appreciate your participation in my thread and for sharing you input! ((((Faithless)))

quote:

Originally posted by sea-green:
Hi Lady Gray,

first, I'm sorry you had such a negative session today. I know how you feel because I had a similar issue with my last T, over meds. I have two things I want to ask you:

1. You mentioned you saw your T today, and will see her again tomorrow, and that you have another T as well. Do you see a T nearly every day? Because based on your posts, it seems like you have several issues with your T - for example when she didn't text you back, you assumed she was manipulating you to text her less, and now you think she's manipulating you by being rude to get you to stop seeing her. Do you think maybe cutting back on the number of sessions with her would do you some good? Like maybe 2 times a week instead of 3-4 times? I think too much therapy can be harmful and overwhelming.

2. Is your T just a psychotherapist, or does she can have medical background, like psychiatry? Because if she has no science/medical background, she has no right to push pills on you since she would have no idea how those drugs even work at the molecular level in your body. I had the same issue with my last T. She was a LCSW with no medical background, whereas I have a background in biochemistry. She kept pushing me to get meds and I kept declining, as my issues weren't serious at all and I didn't want the pills. Eventually I stopped seeing her as she didn't seem to have anything to offer.

Hey Seagreen,

Welcome to the community! Nice to "meet" you.

To answer your q's:

1. Yes, I do have therapy almost every day. Usually 2-3 times a week with T1 and twice a week with T2. T2 has been gone for 5 weeks though so I have been doing therapy 5 days a week with T1 while T2 was gone.

The reason I do therapy so often is because I refused in patient hospitalization for my eating disorder. So we have come up with intensive outpatient therapy using the two Ts. T2 is a VERY good therapist...so good at her job. I get so much out of my therapy with her. T1 is not as skilled of a therapist, but we have a very long history (she was my T in high school back in 92-94). So there is a lot of trust between us. Or rather, there was.

2. T1 is a psychologist with a PhD. She is not a psychiatrist.

So I told T1 in my email to her that I love her and she wrote back, "I care about you deeply". which equals, "I don't love you". I'm so embarrassed that I told her I love her.

She also said she wants to give me some space. I didn't ask for space, but simply told her I was terrified of having therapy with her tomorrow. I feel like that's her way of getting rid of me. She said she's not terminating, she just wants to give me whatever space I need and to contact her when I feel ready. I feel like what she is saying is, "Deal with your emotions/hurt/anger about today's session on your own...and once you've dealt with them, we can talk." That hurts.

LG...I know how it sounds, but please remember that Ts have to be very careful about the L word. My T texted me yesterday that a part was "cared about anyway," despite her not being able to trust him, and another time said a different one was "always special and cared about all the time." I think that is T speak, really. Sure, they can't "love" us in the way they would someone in a less professional relationship, but I think to "care deeply" is a profound statement of feeling toward you. My T saying he cares for me (all of me) is more meaningful than all the times in my life that my parents have said they loved me...which, granted, is relatively fewer than it probably ought to be, because it is real and safe concern and connection (even if the boundaries mean it is more formal than I would like).

I understand it hurts that she is saying she wants to give you space, but I really don't think it is her trying to get rid of you (though, I want to validate you feeling that way, because I would too if it were my T). I think it is an honest acknowledgement that it needs to be your decision how to pace these things. These are hard conversations you're having with her and she isn't going to push you if you're indicating that you're not ready (terrified would be a good indication). Ts, I think, tread lightly with people who have been traumatized, because they don't want to recreate the dynamic their client has experienced in other relationships where they had to sacrifice their own health and safety to comply with others needs/demands/etc. So, as much as it would make you feel cared for if she pushed you to connect with her, it wouldn't be a caring thing for her to do, I don't think. Obviously, you don't want space right now, or it wouldn't hurt that she is trying to give it to you. Do you feel like you might need space, though? Some time to work this through on your own? Or is this something that working through with her, despite the sort of anxiety it might provoke, would be more helpful with? If you feel like you need her and are ready to tackle it together with her, then I think it would be OK to say so. However, if you feel taking a step back might be helpful, she is making you aware that you have room to do so. I think that's all that is going on. I could be way off base, and if so, feel free to ignore all this. I just hate to see you struggling under the perception of her disregard for you, because one does not intentionally and harmfully pull away from someone they "care deeply" about. I think she is trying to let you figure out (decide) what feels right/best/safest for you right now.

((((((LG))))))) Could you talk about what would feel best for you? Realizing that T1 has very strong concerns for you and that may come up in a phone session if you have one, does it feel best to take a break from that anxiety for a bit (i.e. until you're ready) or to face together with her these feelings you are having about what she is suggesting her not hearing your distress?

(((LG)))

I hope you find help for your ED. I would be so sad to lose you. You are a wonderful person and it's so sad that your life is in danger.

LG, I'm so sorry your session with T1 ended the way it did, that she seemed to be totally unresponsive to what you needed in that moment.

I can't really relate to the meds issue specifically since I've never had to do battle about that. But from what you've shared, I am convinced that T1 definitely cares a lot about you. From her POV, your life is at stake (and I agree) and that takes top priority above how you are feeling. If your situation is as serious as it sounds with your ED, then I might actually see your T as NOT caring if she DIDN'T very strongly push the meds.

Now, I do get your point about why would she then leave you in such a state of anxiety if she knew that would be triggering for you to binge/purge. If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same anger as you about that. Perhaps she handled it unprofessionally because she allowed her frustration to cloud her judgment. I am glad you had T2 to turn to at this point.

quote:

So I told T1 in my email to her that I love her and she wrote back, "I care about you deeply". which equals, "I don't love you". I'm so embarrassed that I told her I love her.

I've been in that place before, more than once. So the result is that now I try to avoid saying the words, even if I'm feeling them, because I don't want to be crushed again by that "caring" response. I'm not going to make excuses for T's not using the "L" word because I happen to think its BS. What I would like to tell T's is...If you feel it [meaning genuine love], then acknowledge it. Explain what that love does and does not mean to you, if you feel it necessary, but don't be scared of the word itself. Don't feel ashamed, or make us ashamed, for the use of that word.

Yaku, L2f, and MH...thank for the replies...I am going to reply to them in detail in a bit..

for now just a quick update:

Just had therapy session with T1 and the most bizarre thing happened in the last 10 minutes. I told T1 that I feel unsafe in my therapy with her and that I don't know how to move forward. She totally broke down and started crying. She shut down, could barely get a word out, and I felt compelled to take over as the therapist. MUCH harder job than one would think.

There was about a minute of silence. Finally I asked, Are you there? and she said yes, and that is when I could tell she was crying. I asked her what she was thinking and she sobbed, "I'm not thinking anything".

I feel terrible for having upset her so much. I feel as though I've exhausted her. I asked her if she was mad at me and she sort of laughed and said no. I asked her how she wants to proceed (with my therapy)....LONG pause. I mean, like 20 seconds. Finally she said, "I don't know". I said, "are you wanting to terminate my therapy" and right away she said , "NO. I've said Never. I will never do that to you. That isn't even on my mind".

Then I said, "I'm not mad at you. Just really scared" and she said, "Me too". Then more crying.

I wish she would have been more forthcoming about why she was crying because a lot of things ran through my mind...she's reached her limit with me. She cannot terminate me because she has promised she won't but she doesn't want to work with me anymore and feels trapped. I've hurt her feelings. etc.

The silence and the tears...it leaves too much to my imagination.

I feel like a terrible patient.

Wow. That sounds very unsettling. I hope you are are okay dealing with it.

((((LG))))

I am a little worried about you too... I hope that things work out for you so that you can get your ED under control and get out of the high-risk zone.

I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to point out one other perspective... If I remember correctly, a while back you were contemplating terminating with T1 yourself. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to rethink your relationship with her? Not necessarily go as far as terminating, but maybe shifting to more of a "check-in" situation, where you talk to her once a week, or once every other week, and keep your focus on working with T2?

Just a thought, and I hope you know that I am here to support you whatever you choose!

((((LG))))

(((LG)))

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
My T saying he cares for me (all of me) is more meaningful than all the times in my life that my parents have said they loved me...

Wow, that is a very powerful way of reframing the "I care deeply" comment from T, Yaku. Thanks for helping me see it in a different light.



L2F,
((((Thank you)))))


(((MH))))

Thanks for the words of encouragement about having told T1 that I love her. I am sorry that you can relate to that experience of feeling embarrassed after having told your T that you love her. We make ourselves so vulnerable in doing that. I wish they could make it feel safer for us.

I hear what you are saying about T pushing the meds because she does care about me and that if she didn't push the meds, that would be a sign of not caring. I am not upset with her for pushing the meds though. I feel like she's having a hard time hearing that. What I am upset about is the way in which she approached the topic. I'm upset that when I tried to express my feelings about how the conversation was going, she actually said we could not talk about my feelings because she wouldn't allow us to get distracted by my emotions. That felt like abandonment. I needed help managing the anxiety I was having because of the conversation...the conversation itself was upsetting to the point that it could easily have led to binge/purge behavior...but she wouldn't help me with my emotions....when I needed her help the most. I honestly don't think I could have gotten through the night without my T2 giving me an emergency session to work through my emotions.

(((PF))))
I think you are right about her feeling a lot of pressure given the gravity of my situation with my ED. I do think it is getting to her and I think she was feeling emotionally drained and exhausted today when she broke down. I texted her after the session and told her that I am sorry for being so much to deal with and asked if it would be helpful for her if she had a break from me for a few weeks. I told her I don't want her to get burnt out on me. I have not yet heard back from her.

((((Stoppers)))))
Thank you.

(((r2g))))
I think maybe you might be right about me spending more time with T2 and less therapy with T1 going forward. I believe that the 5 weeks that T2 was away put a lot of pressure on T1 to have to keep me alive. I feel that T2 is more equipped to deal with that sort of stress than T1. I don't know if that's because I'm closer with T1 and that makes it more difficult, or if because T2 is simply a better T. Perhaps it is a combo of both.

((((Faithless))))
Thank you.

((((LG))))

Do you think that maybe there is some added stress for T1 considering you are so far apart and can only do phone sessions? There's only so much that can be done over the phone...I can see that being stress-provoking considering the situation you're in with your ED. That being said, it's not helpful at all to you that she let her stress effect the way she responded to you.

I'm worried for you about your ED, and I wonder about the same thing DF asked.

Take care ((hugs))

Kashley & DF,

T2 doesn't do the practical ED skills stuff.

T1 does do a little bit of DBT, though very little of it. I do not think either of them are as experienced in EDs as they'd like to think they are.

T1 is more of a grief and adolescent counselor. T2 is a certified sex therapist who also advertises herself as working with eating disorders. She has never mentioned DBT though.

Dear LG,
I am crying as I read all of this. I worry for you, as I too have had similiar situations. First with the binging & purging....major stomach bleeds, and so on. And now with your T. My current T will speak to me like in such harsh tones at times, and it so deeply upsets me, and I fear that she may fire me some day. I too have told her that I love her, and I don't even know if she like me as a person. It's a scary world out here in therapy land isn't it? I cannot even imagine talking about any of this with family or friends, but am so glad we all have this forum.
I hold you all in my heart, and will pray for positive outcomes for us all. Even this day as I myself struggle with the decision of choosing life.
LG - please, please take care of yourself, first and foremost. Let our words wrap around you in a healing blanket of love.
Take care.
Gargyrle

DF,

I honestly don't think T1 can help me with my ED. She just doesn't know what she is doing.

I do think T2 has the possibility of helping to a degree.

Ultimately though, I believe my recovery from my eating disorder will result from treating my depression. When I am engaged in life and career, I don't have time for my eating disorder. Its like I just forget about it. I believe the solution for me is to get a job, get back into design, get passionate about my life again, and everything else will fall into place. The only problem is...time. I dont' have a lot of time to play with. I have to get better asap.

I cannot believe that your T said to you, "You don't look underweight". What a freaking stupid thing to say to someone with eating disorder. Did you tell her how triggering that was?

Gargyrle,

((((Thank you))))) I appreciate the kind words and thoughts.

((DF)) I totally understand your wanting to wait a few weeks after your trip before you bring things up so that it is not interpreted by T as misplaced anger. I love that you have thought that through...so totally something I would do!

When is your trip?

I think what is scarier than running up against a therapist's set boundaries is running up against their humanity. I know I want my T to be the rock of Gibraltar only to find that she is not. When I figured this out it left me hanging in scary place. A place where I realized that ultimately my recovery is up to me to figure out. My T can only support and sort of guide me. It's scary because I only ever wanted someone to save me from all this fear and pain. I don't imagine what I have said is helpful so much as I am just commiserating.

(((Gargyle))) I truly hope you are okay. You sound so scared and alone. If you ever want to talk you can always PM me.

Day two of T1 crying during my therapy, only today it was much more intense and there was a lot of sobbing on her part as she tried to get out some powerful words. It was so intense.

She said, through her tears, "I don't think you have any idea how this feels for me! I asked myself the other day how it would feel if you died"....(long pause, lots of crying)...."and I was very very sad....I would feel awful. I do not want you to die...and I feel DESPERATE...absolutely desperate to do whatever I can to keep you alive....even if that means being hard on you or yelling at you. I don't want to lose you!"

I did not know what to say to that. I was surprisingly very unemotional in that moment. I heard what she was saying, and I felt compassion for her, but I did not break down and cry. I didnt' feel numb....I just felt oddly detached...I don't think it registered that she was talking about ME.

She continued to cry and went on to say that she feel so powerless to help me, that she feels limited by the phone and the distance.

I told her that I have a great deal of compassion for her and that I have empathy for how difficult this must be for her. I said that logically, I understand that she felt she needed to take a calculated risk to push me on the meds and to be tough with me and to say things that she knew would be hurtful, but that emotionally, it breached my trust, but I get that it was a risk she was willing to take in order to keep me alive.

My saying this seemed to bring a great deal of relief to her and she stopped crying.

In the meantime, T2 has emailed me saying she wants to call T1 and figure out what is going on with all this crying. I imagine that T2 is a bit alarmed that T1 is using my therapy to cry and talk about her emotions, but I anticpate that once T2 talks with T1, she will have compassion for what T1 is going through and I am hoping that it will be helpful for T1 to talk to T2 about how hard this is for her. Though I am not that pleased that I will have to pay both of them for that conversation which I am picturing being more like therapy for T1 than a discussion to help me.

quote:

Originally posted by Learning2Fly:
I think what is scarier than running up against a therapist's set boundaries is running up against their humanity. .

So true, L2F! Very powerful statement. It is so difficult to seem them being weak and vulnerable. It is in those moments that you realize that this is a person, just like you or I and there is something very frightening about that.

I suspect that when and if your two Ts talk it will be on what is the best approach to help you save your life.

After day two of T1 sobbing during my session, it started to eat away at me. I felt like I needed to do something...to show her that I do trust her, and that I do want to live, that I don't want this eating disorder to be the end of me. I know it crushed her when I told her that I no longer trust her...so I want to let her know that I do trust her. This was just a temporary setback, but our long history gives me the confidence that I can trust her.

So I made her a card this afternoon. Here are the pictures. On the inside I wrote, "I trust you. Please help me become a butterfly...I don't want the world to be over".

That is a really beautiful card, LG. Thank you for sharing. So creative. I'm sure she will love it.

Hugs,

BB