Today during my session my shrink .. oh sorry, my 'P' told me to stop blaming my poor excuse for a deceased mother for all of the abuse and crap she put me through as a child and to accept responsibility for myself and my own actions.
I only blame my mother for my inability to be 'visible' and my lack of social skills. WHY? Because when I would show any feelings I would get yelled at, if I cried I would get slapped and told "Here's something to cry about, go to your room, no one wants to see a baby" I was to be seen by company and not heard and I was not to initiate conversation with her unless I was invited - and that was the odd time when she was sober. God help me if I interrupted her drinking with a question or a need .. I might get chased with a knife or stabbed with a fork, maybe tossed against a wall, what ever suited her that particular day. So what do people do in that situation?? Well I spent a lot of time in my room, alone so that I wouldn't get into trouble for looking at her the wrong way or saying the wrong things, or I would do things that might make her happy so that I would feel loved or appreciated for even a minute, or I would spend time with the few friends I had as a kid - friends who thougth I had a pretty good life! Being financially well off doesn't make for a great life!!!
So YES i freakin blame her. She's dead now for 13yrs. I had wished it upon her DAILY since I was old enough to remember doing it .. when my friends would jump over a crack in the sidewalk saying that they wouldn't want to break their mothers back .. I was the one jumping up and down on it as hard as I could wishing and wishing that it would happen to her. I blame her (amoung others)for how I am today, and in turn I blame myself that she became so ill and died a painful death. i nursed her through her death and I took the responsibility of caring for my adopted developmentally and physically handicapped brother, which I still do today (giving up my youth for his full time care) ... WHY THE HELL CAN'T I BLAME HER !?!?!? What could I have possibly done in my life to bring this onto myself and be 'responsible' for my own behaviour? WHAT? If anyone knows i would love to hear from you!?!?! Or heck - if anyone can give me even an idea of how I can get past all of this blame .. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
My P obviously knows but she is too much of a hard ass to share any of her infinite wisdom with a mere 'ill' person such as myself. She made it clear to me that I'm not smarter than she is and that I shouldn't be trying to lead our sessions .. despite her telling me over and over again that for 'insight' terapy to work, i need to talk to her .. she doesn't initiate our sessions - she waits for me to talk .. so is she not forcing me to lead the sessions??? I don't get it!!!
I left my session with her today feeling rage and more anger than I have felt towards a person in a very long time. I just wanted to shake her and tell her that I didn't understand what she wanted from me .. maybe her mission today was to make me angry so that I could 'feel'. that;s not gonna work for me because anger shuts me down - she should have figured that out if she was 1/2 the Dr. she claims to be.'
Maybe this is her way of getting me back for bringing up the transference last week that I know made her feel uncomfortable, despite her telling me that it didn't. But she knows better than I do - she is the Dr. after all!!!
Okay, i apologize everyone .. I needed to vent BIG TIME. Anyone that reads this .. thanks for listening to me rant, I appreciate it. I'll be back to normal tomorrow and will probably kick myself in the butt for writing this in here.
I have to go to bed. Goodnight and Happy Good Friday!
Holly
What could I have possibly
Your mother sounds like mine, I totally hear what you are saying, I hated my mother, and still do even though she is gone and hating her isn't worth the effort. but I look at what I could have done, what I should have done as a kid and also where I could be if it wasn't for her. I know that I am the only one that is incharge of my destiny, but it's hard to get past all of that when in the back of your head you are hearing 'you're stupid, you can't do that, you'll never amount to anything yadda yadda yadda' 
