Hmmm...I had never considered bringing in something to make me safe, but a blanket surely would be nice. What I really wish I could do is asking T to take me on a drive. I have my best, most vulnerable conversations while riding in a car with people. I think I feel less focused on and can feel safe being side by side with someone. They are close at hand, but I don't need to worry that I am getting in their space, because the space was designed to work that way. I know it would never happen, but that would be the "safest" feeling way to talk. I'm curious about what objects other people bring in to aid in creating that safe environment.

I'm sorry about you had a setback regarding your old T. It sounds as if it feels like being the child who obviously is not treated as well as the others, who is not cared for as much as his or her siblings. And you don't deserve that! I'm so glad you have a solid T now and I hope you are able to heal and get that closure regarding your past T from working with your current one.

I have never asked a t to keep anything for me, but I always want to be able to quit without any further contact and I would hate leaving my blanket there or worry about them sending it back. But I understand you wanting one to wrap yourself in.

There is a blanket in my P office and I cover up with it EVERY time I see him. It just sits over the back of one of the chairs. I have no idea if a pt brought it or if he provides it. I think you should bring it with you and ask your therapist if you can just keep it there for when you need it. I bet he will be ok with it. He seems like a very good therapist.

I have brought a blanket with me to session four times. Only two of those times did I actually wrap myself up in it. Once I just used it to cover my feet because they were so cold, and the other time I decided it was too hot to wrap up in, so I just left it folded. I have honestly not thought before about leaving it there. In considering it now, I don't know where T would keep it where it would be out of sight to other clients. I wouldn't want other clients seeing it and/or using it.

I have never asked my T for a blanket because I didn't want to be turned down. I figured she couldn't turn me down if I brought my own. But for a while my T did have a blanket draped over one sofa, and one day I mustered up enough nerve to just verbally point out that she had a blanket there that didn't used to be there. I was fishing for information, like is that blanket available for all clients to use, or does it belong to someone specific, or is it just for decoration? She said it was a blanket that her young granddaughter had used recently to wrap herself up in one day when she forgot her coat, and she just kept forgetting to take the blanket home. I never asked if I could use it, so I don't know what she would have said. But honestly, I was sorta glad to know it didn't belong to a client because I think I would have felt jealous.

Thanks for the responses. I suppose I could leave the blanket in the car in a bag and take it in with me when I go. I see him straight from work not home and so I would have to lug it into work or leave it in the car. Ideally, I would just like it to BE there in his office for when I may need it. OldT kept my blanket in a small closet for awhile and then once after I used it he draped it over the couch and I could see it there but I was sort of upset thinking that anyone else could also use it and I felt sort of possessive about it, which is silly I know.

I also need to examine and think about why I need it to be in his office. Maybe... it's leaving a little piece of me there? So he does not forget who I am? but that would apply more to a gift that he displays. I remember feeling comfort in oldTs office when I saw my little gifts on his fireplace mantle. New T has a lot of little things around the office... I would guess from other clients...but nothing of mine.

I'm not sure about this.

I just think I have the need to do something about the awful shaking I do when talking about trauma stuff. I just think a blanket would help but I worry that T would prefer that I do without and just tough it out and stop being such a wimp. That's why I'm afraid to ask.

TN

My T has a heater in his office, and he is always offering to turn it up whenever I get chilly, but I never let him. I can't really leave anything with him, though, because he only uses that office Monday and Tuesday and it is used by others Wednesday through Friday.

quote:

I don't think he would think that at all! That doesn't sound like something that your T would say. I think he would think you were using your resources and practicing good self-care. He seems to not want to you tough it out in other areas so I doubt he would in this situation either.

Hi STRM, thanks for what you said. I have been thinking about this most of the day (while trying to focus on work) and I think that I'm afraid he will laugh at me and think I'm foolish for needing a blanket. I'm really sensitive to that because I was so often ridiculed and laughed at as a child. I was the family joke it seemed. That always used to hurt so much and I fear that humiliation.

June I have been tempted to go get my coat and cover myself with it when I shake but I never have. The trembling I think comes from releasing the trauma from my body. I'm cold but not cold if that makes sense. It has nothing to do with the temps in his office.

PF... I don't think I'd want anyone else to use my blanket. I'd like him to keep it out of sight like in bag behind the couch or in a cabinet... I don't know why this seems so huge to me. I did ask him to close the blinds as the light bothers me, especially behind him and he has been very gracious about it.

Yaku... it's tough to have a T who just is around 2 days a week. I used to see someone who was in my town only one day a week and I ended that relationship because I felt I needed someone who could see me twice a week... at least for now as I go through the grief of losing my oldT and my old therapy.

MH... why did you bring the blanket those 4 times? Did you expect rough sessions? Why did you stop? I am glad your T explained the blanket in her office as her granddaughter's blanket. I would have felt the same way you did and maybe that is why I would prefer to keep my blanket out of sight, so others would not see it and feel jealous or curious.

Monte, it was nice to hear that your T thought it was a good thing to do to take in a blanket. He understands. I agree with you... having my T just wrap it around me or drape it over me during an emotionally difficult time would be amazing. I'd even forego the hug to just have him do this. Not sure it would ever happen as he proclaims himself to not be warm and fuzzy. But STRM and I suspect he has at least a smidge of the warm fuzzies!

DF... I think it's sweet that you can keep a stuffed animal at your Ts office. My oldT GAVE me one of his stuffed animals that he had for the kids he sees to play with. It was a scruffy looking little golden retriever. I love that stuffed dog. I took him home and gave him a bath and bought him a new ribbon for his neck and he sits near my bed. He was an important transitional object for me and I took him on vacation one year and took a picture of him at sea and gave the picture to old T who hung it up in his office. That was an amazing connection. It's all I have left of oldT and there are times I cannot look at little dog... too painful still.

I'm a five year old too and my oldT had some toys around his office that made it feel more like home. My new T has a very "adult" and serious office. The only whimsy I could find was a lamp with red hearts going around the lampshade. I like that lamp.

I'll keep you all posted. I see him again on Thursday.

TN

quote:

MH... why did you bring the blanket those 4 times? Did you expect rough sessions? Why did you stop?

TN, I brought the blanket for 2 reasons: 1) I felt vulnerable and the blanket was something I could hide in. 2) I wanted comfort but was too ashamed to ask for it from T. Those 4 times are certainly not the only times I've felt vulnerable and in need of comfort though, so I don't know why I haven't brought the blanket more often. Maybe its because in the past T made a point to comment that I was hiding in it, and to me that felt like a judgment or something she didn't like. It's probably something I ought to discuss with T, now that I've thought about it consciously, so thank you for the question.

Hi MH... I'm glad this thread has given you something important to discuss with your T. I don't think of the blanket as a hiding tool, just for comfort reasons and I think to help me feel contained while doing trauma work. There was only once I wanted to hide from OldT and I asked him if he had a blanket and he said no, why? I said because I want to put it over my head. He smiled and said, you can't hide from me I would still see you. LOL. I told him... yeah but I wouldn't be able to see YOU. It was after that when I brought my blanket to leave at his office (which he still has and I'm trying to get back).

Thanks for the feedback.
TN

quote:

Both Ts have golden retriever therapy dogs, however. I'd rather have a blanket to wrap up in than a dog sniffing at my crotch while I pour my heart out.

LOL, literally. That was an interesting mental image. And that would be quite distracting!

quote:

Last week I took my shoes off at T2s office and stretched my feet out on her coffee table. I think she was a bit shocked, but she didn't comment. Normally she comments on how closed off my body language is, legs crossed, arms crossed, shoulders hunched over. This was a huge departure from the norm when I kicked back like I was at home, yet she said nothing but simply looked shocked. I can only imagine if she'd had a blanket. I probably would have curled up and taken a nap right there.

I did a similar thing last time. I'm usually sitting, legs crossed, arms crossed, bent inward, closed off. When we were discussing some childhood memories, I actually found myself leaning back with my arms behind my head. I wanted to change when I realized I was doing it, but decided to keep myself "open."

My EMDR T got me a cream blanket, the nicest ever, and made a point of telling me it is only for me.
My P keeps my teddy in his filing cabinet (under 'B' maybe?) and puts it in the room before he comes to get me. So sweet. He now has my toy shield too (under 'S' maybe?!)

I asked EMDR T where she got the lovely cream fleecy soft blanket and she told me and straight away after that session I went and bought one. I am thinking of taking it into my session with P tomorrow and I would love to ask him to keep it there, but with a teddy and a shield and then also a blanket, he might object to be me taking up too much room (wow, and where does THAT judgement come from ! )

So i am a bit shy to ask and I hate lugging things in and out of sessions. Feel like a bag lady.

Also I would feel a bit shy infront of him wrapping myself in a blanket.

Don't think I can dare take it OR ask him to keep it. Sigh.

DF... it's okay, really. You didn't trigger me in a bad way. I'm starting to be able to think about stuff with oldT. At least some of the memories are good ones.

I spoke to T today about the blanket. We had an intense but good session but I have to cook dinner now and go to a school meeeting be back later.

TN

It's been a crazy day!

Saw my T this afternoon. I was anxious to see him again but I was feeling sad. He noticed that as soon as he saw me. He is very perceptive. So after he told me he liked my red shoes LOL... he asked me why I was feeling so sad. Before I launched into anything I told him I appreciated very much how he worked out my schedule while he is away for a few days on vacation. I told him there was barely a ripple to be felt and that I knew he spent time working on it and taking care of me and I wanted him to know I noticed and I was grateful. He smiled at me and said that most people would not be so aware of that and maybe even if they were, they would not say anything. He told me he appreciates my feedback, good or bad and it helps him a lot.

I told him how last week when I had the setback of seeing my oldT's car with another car of a female patient outside his office it triggered me badly and I felt like I was thrown back into the trauma all over again. Last week he wanted to know why I didn't call him and I said that I didn't want to bother him but I told him this week that I felt that he would be disappointed in me. That I was still grieving oldT and how long would that go on? He said he was glad I told him this and asked if he ever did anything that would make me think he was disappointed in me in any way and I said no and it was not him ... it is just in my head and maybe I'm transferring my parent's and oldT's disappointment in me to him.

We talked about the attachment and I told him that I'm still holding him away from me even though I know the attachment is growing. He asked me why and I said that it was too scary to allow him to get close to me and he emphasized that ... yes it FELT scary but it was not dangerous to allow him close to me. He tells me that a lot... that a lot of things I talk about feel scary but they are not dangerous. Some things ARE dangerous and he wants me to be able to recognize the difference. Doing this will protect me.

Then he asked me what was scary and I told him that he would disappear on me... poof! And he said he understood and even though he is not planning on going anywhere, things could happen. But... he told me in a very passionate way... that he wants me to take anything I can from him, to draw from him everything and anything I want to, the support, empathy, caring, knowledge, reassurance. That I should take this into myself. If I take his part of him into myself and something happens then I will always have that within me, but if I refuse it and something happens, then I am left with nothing. So should I refuse the good he offers out of fear that he won't be with me forever? Or do I take it, use it, enjoy it and grow richer for it, even though he may not be around forever? It would be better to have the attachment than to refuse it. I could see the sense in this and that there are no guarantees in life but if we refuse to participate in life and relationships because they may one day end, then we lose so much of the best parts of life, the richness and color of life. He is so wonderful and so open and attuned to me.

This discussion went on for awhile when I asked him finally if I would be allowed to bring in my blanket and leave it there? He said of course where do you wnat to keep it? I looked around and said... maybe in a bag under the couch or behind the couch and he said why do you want to hide it? I said because I didn't want to bother him or upset his office. He smiled at me and said "why is it huge, like a giant king size bedspread or something?" I cracked up and said not it's a small fleece throw I just bought because I cannot get my other blanket back from oldT. Then I realized that the little table next to me has a drawer in it and I asked ...what about in here? He said... how about you drape it over the chair you always sit in?? I said... well it may upset your other patients if I keep it here and they see it. He said they only get upset when something goes missing from the office not when something new comes into the office. That made perfect sense to me. He then asked me "so what does it mean when you leave the blanket here?" I dodged this and said...oh that it's handy for me when I need it" He said okay but what else... I thought a moment and then said "it means that I am leaving a piece of myself in here too". He said exactly! Then he added.... so when I look at your blanket there I will think of you and that's nice. he went on to say that some other patients have left their things there.... stuff you would think was strange LOL... but he would look at the stuff all around him of his patients and he says he feels the warmth from those things and it feels good. So I said... I guess I'm joining a special group... then I stopped because I got scared of the word "special". I said... oh I really meant... you know... a group of patients that leave stuff here.... he said you are not special because you leave your blanket here... you are special because of your courage...

I just felt so overwhelmed by his caring that I started to cry. I could not talk. Throughout the session I was having a real struggle with the eye contact for some reason and he kept bugging me to look at him. He told me he knows he pushes me and he likes that I respond to him well. He said to me "do you have any idea how hard you are working in here?" And I said I don't know what I'm doing. He said you are working very hard and it makes me very proud of you.

I just wanted to fall apart but time was up so I heaved a great sigh... that he noticed... and we firmed up next week's appointments and we shook hands and said see you have a good weekend.

I am still sort of shaky from how intense it all felt to me. That he was SOOOO accepting of my need for my blanket and that he did not want me to hide it. That he wanted to see it there as much as I wanted to leave it there. I just have no words for how wonderful and kind he is to me. Sometimes the kindess and caring is so intense I don't know what to do with it and it can be harder to handle than the bad stuff.

Thanks for listening...
TN

TN,

I feel all warm and fuzzy (like I've been wrapped up in that blanket) reading about your session. I swear, your T (and AG's) could be the guy version of my T. So many similarities in how they work.

My T says the same thing about getting attached and carrying her with me and taking the good in to keep with me even if something were to happen to her. I know how hard it is, especially to take in the good sometimes, but you are working so hard and I can feel in your writing how much you are taking it in.

Thanks for the update!

STRM... yeah today I really took in a lot from him. I still feel it. It feels good.

I think a lot of the really good Ts that "get it"... the attachment needs and the trauma... they sound the same because they DO get it and they are doing the right and healing things for us. I never knew how this could feel. OldT was occassionally good like this but very inconsistent and I had to work so hard to make him understand what I needed and to explain why it was not weird or over the top. With my current T, he just understands with no explanation necessary. It's really nice.

TN

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
STRM... yeah today I really took in a lot from him. I still feel it. It feels good.

I think a lot of the really good Ts that "get it"... the attachment needs and the trauma... they sound the same because they DO get it and they are doing the right and healing things for us. I never knew how this could feel. OldT was occassionally good like this but very inconsistent and I had to work so hard to make him understand what I needed and to explain why it was not weird or over the top. With my current T, he just understands with no explanation necessary. It's really nice.

TN

Yep, I think you are right. The ones that "get it" will sound alike because they are speaking the language. I'm sure it is such a relief to not have to manage that part of the relationship. In other words, you don't have to convince or educate him as he already understands.

quote:

he said you are not special because you leave your blanket here... you are special because of your courage...

That is lovely, TN. I adore newT more and more each week.

I wonder what oldT has done with the blanket? I wonder if it is still in his office and if he thinks of you when he sees it. I hope so.

TN - that gave me chills. What a good session! I wish my T didn't have to share his office (others have it Wed-Fri) or I would ask to bring something too. I know my T would understand, but not so sure about the other Ts and trainees that use the office.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

:0





I do.

And that write up of your session was just so healing to read, so full of his care and his gentleness and his warmth. And you know, TN, (I know I can tell you this) I read it and it made me feel close to sweetP. Same kindness and caring and depth of experience and understanding things that you and I have been struggling to get understood with other T's.

Oh I feel like I am basking in the warmth of your session - all the way over here in England. How utterly lovely.

I see my own P today at 1pm. Dying to see him, scared of what he will say about the holding, scared I might throw my bear at him and stick out my tongue and mis behave and yet love him too for whatever he says as he will have thought it through for MY best interests.

good aren't they!

and yea, for the blanket. i might dare to take mine in today. following your inspiring example.

Your T really really gets you. You can attach. He is going to be brilliant for you. Yea.

(((TN))) I am so proud of you and happy for you! Sounds like your T really gets you - soak it all in knowing you've got a such a supportive person as your first mate on your journey.

Thanks for bringing a smile to my not-so-good day!

Right when I was leaving today I said that I had brought my blanket in, and I knew I felt like I was asking too much, but could I have my blanket there? could he look after it for me.

he looked perturbed. He said that would I mind bringing it next week and that would give him a week to see if there was somewhere he could put it? As he could not think of anywhere. (becos it is the NHS, we use four rooms in a communal Mental Health building and he does not have an office of his own as he works else where the rest of the week, so logistically I think he has no space only a small filing cabinet.)

to my embarrassment, I said I would take home my shield and half of bear if he could keep my blanket, and I squashed blanket right down to show him how little room it can take up, but he still said he wanted to see if he had room.

I don't think I will take it next week, it felt like I have asked too much. Really it did.

((((((((Sadly)))))))))

Ts and Ps should have cubbies to use for each client/patient. I would love to have a space that was "mine" at T's office. It would symbolize my attachment to him was acceptable.

(((Sadly)))

I'm so sorry that he reacted that way. It must be hard not having a consistent space, for both of you. Did he mention the holding at all?

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:


((((((((Sadly)))))))))

Ts and Ps should have cubbies to use for each client/patient. I would love to have a space that was "mine" at T's office. It would symbolize my attachment to him was acceptable.

I told my T that once. That we need lockers to keep our stuff in so we don't have to lug it back and forth. Of course, my littles use their objects in session with T and then need them between sessions to keep that connection, but there are a few things I'd like to just keep there.

TN,

You are so brave. And, I'm so glad your T responded in the way that he did. What a beautiful man. You said he is in his 50's? Did he just get into the attachment stuff? Or was he always into it?

I'm so glad that you had a great session, TN- awesome...thank you so much for keeping us updated on your story. It is so good to hear some positive stuff about a T. and yours is "the bomb."

Love,

BB

Thank you all for the lovely comments on my session. It makes me feel so good to know you are all sharing in my relief and happiness in the session. I'm really starting to believe that I will be okay again one day after what happened with oldT. And that I'm starting that journey to find myself again.

LG... I wonder too what oldT has done with my blanket and if when he looks at it and all the other things I left in his office if he thinks of me. And if he does, is it with kindness or with hate.

df...it's so hard to allow that caring from my T in because the good stuff is scary too... Sometimes when my guard is down I do feel it and it feels good.

Yaku, it does make it difficult when they share an office. Thanks for being happy for me.

Sadly, I'm glad that reading about my session felt healing and brought you closer to sweetP but I'm also sorry that you had a difficult subsequent session where he did not accept your request of the holding and of bringing in your blanket. I don't see the blanket issue as a rejection of you in any way but of the logistics of the office situation he finds himself in. My T is in private practice and has a fairly large office that only he uses so he has more discretion about what is left there. And he did have your bear and the shield. I didn't have anything there at all.

PF, thanks for being happy for me while you are also struggling in therapy. I hope one day you settle into a warm, supportive therapy relationship.

Blanket Girl... yeah he is a safe T who gets it. I am still feeling warm at his words to me. They are something to cherish.

R2G...thanks for being proud of me. I like thinking of him as my journey companion because I don't think there is anywhere he would be afraid of going with me. That feels good. Glad I could make you smile. Hope your days get better.

Liese... yes he is in his 50's and yes he is starting to look really beautiful to me. My T is a PsyD and had 5 years of intensive training in all aspects of psychotherapy plus his own therapy. He is psychodynamic and much of attachment falls into that. Attachment theory has been around for many years, I think from the 1940's and the related parent of attachment theory was object relations theory. My T also follows Kohut who was the "self-psychology" theorist. He takes all of these principles and uses them in his work. He is also an avid reader, a supervisor of interns, and has worked with diverse populations... borderlines, schizophrenics, complex-ptsd, addicts, bi-polar, people with depression and anxiety. He is very open about his working history. I am very fortunate to have found him but it took me awhile and seeing 5 other Ts first.

BB... thanks so much. I need to tell him that he is "the bomb" he would get a kick out of that.

Now I'm off to get much needed sleep.

TN

TN,

You deserve to have this beautiful experience after all you went through. This guy will not let you down.

The attachment stuff is psychodynamic? It just seems so basic. My T has no problem with me getting attached to him. He knows he's the center of my world and he tries to make that comfortable for me. Even though the treatment approach is different, don't the CBT's have to have a general theory of the mind and dysfunction?