((Jane and df))

Jane, I know this sounds horrible of me but when I read what you wrote I felt relieved to know that someone else was spending Christmas without a partner. Gosh, I'm sorry to say that. And BIG hugs to you because I know how it feels. I think I'm glad I've read what you wrote cause most people on here are married I think. I wish I was married or in a love relationship. It might make things easier for me..

I'm reminded of the bird lady in Home Alone. The lady who Kevin meets in the park and is at first scared of her and then becomes her friend after he sees how lonely she is.

I don't know how I feel about this Christmas. My disgust at my Mum is coming back over me again. For most of my life I've been disgusted by her. Where the interpersonal relationship should have begun at aged 1, was when she left. And she apologizes too which is great but still, I put myself at a distance.

Lately the more I go to therapy, the more I distance myself from everything I think. I don't know. I feel lonely and it's almost like I want to be alone this christmas. Almost like I want to validate to myself that this is what I should be feeling and this is how life should be. That loneliness is real and safer than being let down by people. I almost want to detach from the whole world sometimes these days. Either that or I realize that I am actually detached from the whole world.

I just don't know what to make of myself right now. I think I'm fooling myself and being stupid. I'm making these emotions happen by obsessively thinking about them...I'm uncertain.

This Christmas will be okay I guess but I have a feeling that for those two days at Mum's I will prefer to stay in solitude. I can't take her smothering. I feel like saying to her sometimes 'STOP smothering me. You were never there when I was younger. What gives you the right to do that now? And what makes you think that I'll accept all this sudden flourish of feelings. Don't expect that I'll heed to what you want from me. Don't expect anything from me actually because most of the time I think I hate you'.

Oh well. Time's a healer I hope. The disgust is so pervasive that I can't imagine I'll ever really feel close to her again. Which makes me want to say to both my parents 'Hey to hell with you both. I'm starting again. I don't want you both in my life anymore'

I don't speak to Dad anymore. he's hurt me too much and too ignorant for me. Mum is depressed and quickly attaches and makes me her world which I can't deal with, too stressful, too pressuring. Maybe I'll start a new 'family' with my friends.

I think life might just be better without my parents in it at all..

((((((df)))))) (((((forgetmenot))))) (((((fot)))))

I'm so sorry the holidays are hard for you as well. It seems like family stuff just intensifies around this time of year. Or it is the same, just hurts more. It does help to know I'm not alone in dealing with the holiday blues...

I was going to go do a Christmasy thing tonight, but I can't seem to get myself to go... I talked to my brother, and I'm happy for him... and I'm must admit, I'm also downright envious of him - he has a wife and new baby girl. They have their own struggles... but still...

I put up a tree in the house I share for the first time in a couple of years. I lived alone the past few years before this year, and I just didn't have the heart to put up a huge tree in my tiny apartment just for me and my cat. But this year I did - lights and all. It makes me smile, and it makes my heart ache. It reminds me of some happier things when I was a kid - things I wish I could get back or have again. It also reminds me of a lot of pain.

The past few years I have spent more time with more friends, but due to recent events of the past two months, I don't feel safe with many friends - or things are just too weird and I'm still recuperating and so shakey from some recent trauma of the past two months that it all gets weird fast. (Something I am working on with my T.)

Oh, my rambling doesn't make a lot of sense or have much focus. I think I just needed to share a bit. Thanks for letting me write here and for listening.

hugs to you all,
~ jane