I understand the difficulty talking about food and the body. I've spent five years with T and I have rarely discussed it. I also spend a lot of time doubting myself, whether I'm working, why I can't control myself, what is wrong with me anyway?

Sorry you feel defeated

You're not insane Cat and I mean that sincerely. You are hurting and you have been through so much. Please be kind to yourself. you don't deserve to be treated unkindly.

You're not insane, dear (((Cat))). I don't really struggle with ED, but having some eating issues and definite feelings if hating, feeling foreign in, and wanting to take penance out of my body. I have just started putting a toe in the water when it comes to body awareness, because it is so triggering. I'm in physical therapy for an injury right now and it's pure torture to be aware of my own physical existence and have strangers paying so much attention to the workings of my body. If I could live between my ears all the time, I would do it. I guess it's probably a pretty normal.thing to have a difficult, tumultuous relationship.with your body when it seems like it holds so much betrayal in it. You're not crazy for this being so hard, and I can tell you work at it with tenacity. I know it's hard to be patient with yourself and see how far you've come, but you really have and you're still pointed in the right direction.

Hi Cat,

I can only give you a simple I understand. So wish we could sit and visit face to face some time. I think we would have a lot in common to share.

Last week T and I were talking about food and bodies. She gave me another card to to look at/read often. It says that my body is not nothing and its not everything but it is something. The goal is to get to where i can just exist with that belief. I swing from anorexic restricting tendencies when I let it be everything to an overweight binger when I ignore my body and make it mean nothing to me. I literally swing 100pounds usually within a years time go through this yo to.

Let me know if you find any great breakthrough.

OKAY... I'm brave enough to face this again, thank you guys for being so vulnerable...

((cogs)) ((turtle)) ((yaku)) ((hollow)) ((jillann)) ((SP))

It is such a hard topic to broad, like you guys have said... unfortunately, starting my ED treatment about 2 months after seeing my T didn't exactly give me time to have it off the table. Thank you for your gentle support and understanding cogs, turtle... I know this stuff is hard to go in depth with - there is nothing wrong with either of you, for the record!

Both of my Ts try to give me analogies, or point to the care I give my animals. I'm still so hurt about the comment my T made, and don't know how to bring it up (again) because how I internalized it just... hurt so so badly. T called me yesterday to suggest why she was thinking (because I called and left a message) it was so hard. I brought up a lot of neglect growing up in session which I'm ashamed of. For example, my parents not taking care of basic needs such as showers/baths reliably as a young child.

A lot of body stuff is also tied to sexuality, relationships, triggers... food.

They do shift, like Hollow was saying... and if I could live between my ears all the time I would, too yaku. My scale time is ritual, but instead of being several times a day it has weakened down to once or twice. It is also hard to lose that obsession... since a gym opened by my house recently it's like... a giant open can of tuna for a cat just sitting there. I want to cry with frustration because I have been an over-exerciser... and I keep telling myself these lies that well if I join I will get my food/everything sorted out, I'll get a routine... this will be "the thing" that makes me better. When I know it won't. Even talking about it amps my anxiety, it's almost a compulsion.. I know I'd go several times a day.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before I join, and I know I won't tell my Ts. I know how hard it will be to break... I know how enraged I will be at myself. The temptation of having a membership would be just as bad as GETTING a membership. It makes me cry. They mostly suggest I can't because I don't get enough intake, but why can't I... just like a normal person. Will I ever be able to?

I wish we could meet in person for coffee too, Jill we do sound so similar! My Ts have given me cards, too. Talked about mantras, visualizations... etc and I feel so much too lazy to do them and in some way I "can't". It's like trying to move a paralyzed limb. Existing is so, so very hard.

Looking in the mirror is very hard, SP, because it represents something more than it looks like something and it does feel disconnecting, and odd. I can't see myself on videos, or the like without thinking 'hey who is that girl' and it's me. It is tiring to have a body, especially when the mind needs so much. Thank you for being in company with me... my T says she's crazy and is proud... that we're all a little crazy.

I'm having such a struggle right now, because I don't meet any criteria for an eating disorder anymore except EDNOS, (I don't weigh little enough, I don't binge/purge enough, I'm not above weight enough) - I don't LOOK like someone who has an eating disorder, and even if I did... I'd never see it. So it's hard to feel like it is a real, actual, existing problem.

Sigh. I've done good today though, one day at a time... even if I have the sign up page for the gym open on my desktop... like I do every day.

Hi Cat,
I certainly relate to hating having a body. As far as I can remember, it has mostly caused me feelings of distress, shame, weakness, repulsiveness, failure, etc. Rare occasions where it has caused me pleasure, never weigh up to all the negative experiences it gives me.
I hate it because it makes me feel so weak. I am so frustrated because I feel I’ve been struggling forever to stay on my feet, to ‘function’ in life but it just keeps – literally – weighing me down. I get very sad when I think of 37 years of struggle against ED and only judgment coupled with indifference in return.

I agree most ED’s they start out as a way to regulate emotions, but over the years I grown more and more aware about the addictive aspects of what we eat. Off course we eat because it soothes us, helps us to regulate but then my next question is: how does that work? I think the answer to that is biochemical to a large extent. Our food contains so many addictive substances (of which gluten, sugar, caffeine and alcohol are the best known) that our brain just keeps us craving for more. And then there is this whole metabolism thing with carbs revving up our insulin production and fat depositing. I am less and less convinced it has anything to do with willpower! One just has to read people’s post on this forum. So many of us are showing tremendous courage and strength in their healing AND struggling with eating issues as well. These are NOT weak-willed people.
The behavioral/cognitive approach to my problems never worked for me. So far, I have been more successful tackling things foodwise, i.e. I’ve made some progress omitting gluten, sugar, coffee etc from my diet. Unfortunately I do relapse cyclically but I feel this approach gives me a lot more to work with then the purely psychological approach.
At this point in time, I’m allowing myself to indulge. I’ve been on an binge for a couple of weeks now but trying not to punish myself emotionally about it. I’m dealing with rejection/attachment issues in therapy and I’d like my emotional resources available for that. I am always in a sort of latent standby mode to get back on track where the eating is concerned, but it’s not a priority right now.

You are definitely not insane. You’re dealing with a complex and widely misunderstood load and that just sucks at times.

I’m thinking of you.

Biiigg huggggg